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A Sprawl On Us All


Time to toot my own horn--this was my biggest achievement to date, and it wasn't even that great. Basically, I researched for an hour, wrote for another hour, and beat over 16,000 other entries for the $1,000 prize in the Upperclass Division of the Zero Population Growth/Teachers' Population Education Training (ZPG/PET) contest. Yawn. I also got a nice Zero Population Growth T-shirt out of the whole experience. They still have my entry up on their site. The finalists were judged by celebrities, and I got some nice feedback on my treatment from one of the writers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

After the opening credits, we see a shot of Springfield Elementary. Next, we see Bart Simpson in class. There is noticeable overcrowding, and we are then shown specific examples. The twins, Sherri and Terri, are seated so close together that they appear to be one giant purple girl with superfluous features. Martin is trying to do work, but his desk is continuously jostled by two others who are trying to share the same desk. Frazzled, Mrs. Krabappel attempts to sit down at her desk, only to find students already sitting around it. The loudspeaker crackles to life.

"Attention, children. I'm sure you are aware that Springfield Elementary had been experiencing a slight overcrowding," began Principal Skinner. While this is being said, we can see shots of the school cafeteria and gym, all full of noisy students and teachers trying to teach class. The principal continues, "I want to commend the teachers on the wonderful job they are doing, controlling the increased number of pupils..." There is a quick cut to a hapless teacher trying to hold class outside in the schoolyard. She obviously has no control. "...and don't worry, Superintendent Chalmers and I are working on a solution."

Now, we see Marge in her station wagon, driving home with groceries. She is caught in heavy traffic that stretches off into the horizon. Marge grumbles that she's going to be late in starting dinner. Suddenly, a squirrel that was on a nearby lamppost leaps through the car window and grabs a package of chips. It throws the chips and other groceries out the window and into the paws of a huge group of forest creatures. There's a shot of the Snuggle Bear (of detergent products), catching a box of static cling sheets and tossing it away in disgust. Marge screams and tries to shoo the squirrel away. However, a beaver clambers in and begins gnawing on the passenger seat. Marge gets out of the car and attempts to get help from other drivers, but they roll up their windows and ignore her.

One haughty-looking driver comments to his wife, 'It's atrocious, the lunatics out on the streets these days." His wife looks equally displeased.

Later, the Simpson family is sitting in front of the television. Itchy and Scratchy are up to their usual tricks. Through some plot, Itchy has tricked Scratchy into running into heavy traffic. The ending is gory, and Bart and Lisa laugh appreciatively. Then, a message reading "This show is brought to you by Mothers Against Urban Sprawl" shows up on their television set.

"Pssh...sprawl," says Homer rolling his eyes, "those mothers are against everything!"

"Dad, do you even know what sprawl is?" asked Lisa.

"Of course, Lisa," Homer says condescendingly. "Sprawl is something only mommies, daddies, and other grown-ups can do. You'll understand when you're older." Lisa sighs and explains that sprawl refers to the increasing amount of population and developed land. She says that the widespread unplanned growth is causing bad traffic, crowded schools, and increasing water and air pollution. Farmers are losing their land, and the suburbs are growing larger. At that moment, Kent Brockman mentions on the news that property taxes are rising to a new high.

Homer groans. "Is this because of that stupid sprawl-thingie, too?"

Marge interrupts, saying that the family is having yogurt for dinner, since the groceries she bought earlier were ruined by "crazed forest animals." Lisa is about to suggest that the animals' homes in the forest have been destroyed, but Bart beats her to it. He speculates that they are trying to fend for themselves in the city. He experiences a brief daydream sequence that includes superhero rabbits and a baby bird that borrows lines from Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol.

Grandpa Simpson is present for dinner. He complains about the amount of difficulty he experienced, trying to get transportation to their house. He says the elderly are experiencing more isolation than they ever did before. Then, we see that Grandpa is sitting by himself in the kitchen, and the rest of the family has already moved back to the living room. They are watching Mayor Quimby give a speech on television.

"People of Springfield," the mayor drones. "I feel personally responsible for the problems our city has been experiencing. However, we are all responsible." The Simpsons look exasperated at his stupidity. The mayor continues speaking. "We are drawing up plans to construct more people-friendly streets and mixed-uses areas. Let Springfield be the city built on human scale!" The mayor turns aside and whispers to the publicity director, "Did I miss any buzzwords?" The publicity director shakes his head.

Marge wonders if the mayor is really going to change things. She feels doubtful and decides to encourage the community to write letters to Mayor Quimby and Kent Brockman. A series of shots of Marge writing and convincing different people to get things done follows, accompanied by the Beatles song, "HELP!"

The show is concluded when a temporary new school has been built, and plans are set for changes to begin throughout the community. Posters of Marge are everywhere, including street signs, windows, and Snowball II. We see shots that advance closer to Marge herself until herself until her face is in an extreme close-up, and se evilly chuckles to herself. The credits are run, with a devious-looking Marge as a background.