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Santos Says...

"Join me in demising!" --Santos G., 10-5-02

A Santos Mini-Bio
For those of you who are not lucky enough to know Santos, I must tell you about him. Santos is an art education major at the University of Houston. He also has an interesting way of dealing with stalkers; namely, he befriends them. Anyway, he has this neat word-play ability that I'll showcase here, since he's probably special enough for it. And should you want to know more about the mysterious Santos, feel free to visit his site, www.paperninja.net. You can even e-mail him because he is amused by random mail. Who could ask for a more understanding, stalkable guy? He'll be your buddy, too, if you ask nicely.

Santos Quotes

"Today I discovered a new breed of the snack crackers: Game Day Cheez-Its. They look like little footballs and taste really good. And the top 1/8th of the box's front is textured like a football. Oooooh." --10-14-01
"I turned John Jay into a pirate!" --11-6-01 (He, uh, turned John Jay into a pirate.)
"I don't think they intend for the hapless consumer to simply suck out the vital organs while leaving the carcass intact." --11-10-01
"I don't really associate 'You're not supposed to do that...' with a lack of sleep...I associate it more with something like throwing bricks at old people." --11-20-01
"I think they invented peanuts to keep people from growing gray hairs...and they invented puppies to cure leprosy. They invented Al Gore to cure decency." --11-22-01
"What does one do with a foily wasteland? Dump garbage? Sit and mope? Butcher kittens?" --11-22-01
"They just needed more sprinkles...just a few damn more sprinkles! Was that too much to ask?! And then they blame the murders on me! I have a remote. It controls the TV. And the satellite box selecter system. And on warm, cozy nights in the winter, it controls the VCR." --11-22-01
"Confusia. It's a state of mind, and a warm-toned color!" --11-22-01
"But I feel light-headed. And there was never any mention of insulin before today." -11-22-01 (I didn't mention any insulin.)
"I'm going to extinct you!" --12-5-01
"There was a kangaroo...and it told me to buy snack crackers shaped like him...and dip them in chocolate or cream stuff and eat 'em." --12-5-01
"It's disorienting to disorient myself." --12-6-01
"I think it's a male/female thing. Girls are supposed to like pink. Guys are supposed to like death." --12-6-01
"Swords can make someone very, very miserable and/or dead." --12-6-01
"I told one kid at the fencing club recently, 'Can I have your skull? I need it for a costume I'm making.' Which was the truth." --12-14-01
"You make me have to be smart!" --12-14-01
"I hang out with my shirt. We stick together." --12-18-01 (Oddly enough, he didn't mention pants.)
"You could go outside and pour it on some ants. They like sweet stuff." --12-29-01 (The alternative to wasting soda.)
"I eat raw cheese. Yeah, I'm just hardcore." --1-2-02
"One day I'll be cool like Helen-with-one-L." --1-5-02
"Oooh...I feel like cold tuna, without the fish part...I need some socks..." --1-5-02
"She corrected herself! Neat." --1-5-02
"There must be food! But there is no time, no time for food! Where is the name for a meal that I need! Nowhere! The names stopped being handed out at Dinner! Maybe I can get away with a Midnight Snack...though I may not last the night." --1-5-02 (It took me an entire day to figure out what he was talking about.)
"So you're just waiting for the perfect kidnapper to come along, huh?" --1-5-02
"The next thing you know, you're staring up as the clouds fly past, you feel a breeze blowing through your hair, you notice that you can't move your hands, and you have an awful headache." --1-5-02 (Oh yeah...)
"Don't think of it as stealing. Think of it as neglecting to pay." --1-7-02
"I decided to adopt your means of buying hash browns. I'm going to collect all of the money that I find, and add it to the spare change that I accumulate. But instead of using it to fund food, it's going to fund a PS2. (pause) It might take me a bit longer." --1-7-02
"I think that I have another stalker..." --1-9-02
"But I don't like to sexually threaten guys that I don't know." --1-9-02
"You know, reading through your quotes, I would think that that Santos guy is some type of crazy person..." --1-9-02
"Oooh. I took a pic of myself with lots of Q-tips today." --1-9-02
"Mmm...waterness." --1-12-02
"Hah...it's like you can sense that I'm playing with a broadsword..." --1-17-02
"Hey, Helen, do you want a secret massage? It's really special." --1-18-02
"Whoah...3:17. It wasn't that late a few hours ago..." --1-18-02
"Why am I evil...?" --1-24-02
"Your little innocent look...how could you have known that he would be angered! He should be happy to get decayed, useless fruit peels in his fridge!" --1-25-02
"I wouldn't mind being a Hyperborean...just as long as I could acquire the ability to have a singing voice like a ten-year-old girl." --1-25-02
"Water. The fluid. It's like rice, but not." --1-25-02
"I saw someone buying gold fish yesterday! It was nuts. I almost died." --1-25-02 (But then he didn't.)
"I'm hoping that the Cleansing comes very soon." --1-31-02
"No! You've stated your opinion! You've voiced your mind! You've spoken your lung-ness! I shall heed your words... Of stabbiness." --2-3-02
"This music rocks...weeee...I like jamming out to some big symphonic madness. It's music that makes me feel as though I need to conduct." --2-3-02
"You were...*cough-wheeze*...t-too...prepare-ed...this time...*gasp* I just can't...*gargle*....take much...*Campbell's Soup*...much more...of this... Umlauts!!! Kiosks umlauts juji." --2-3-02
"They're the perfection of the meal. They turn Fish Sticks in Master Sticks! They turn cole slaw into feast slaw! Newer, bolder, better! Abrupt Bacos, a surprising addition to every meal!" --2-3-02
"I found an awesome hat yeSTERDAY! IT WAS AWESOME, I SAY AAAAAAAAH AAAAAH AAAAAH I FEEL SUGARFUL. I don't know what happened." --2-3-02
"Nah, it was the division of labor mark. It's likealk;werra;kwadf asdfl; coadjulated. I feel odd..." --2-3-02
"Yes! It's mitigation in action. Without the tough-acting Keebler contradictions." --2-3-02 (I really can't follow his train of thought sometimes.)
"I want to be an ism when I grow up. Or a fictional character." --2-3-02 (I could arrange that...)
"My grammar is obviously decomposing." --2-3-02
"I won't be fencing when I'm old. I'll be dead." --2-7-02
"Maybe I should become an Eskimo." --2-7-02
"Do you have that class with the stuff at that certain time?" --2-7-02
"I don't know if I'm pretty enough...to be pretty." --2-13-02
"I think my long-term goal is to die someday. This way I won't be let down!" --5-9-02
"Chicken and Stars. Greatest chicken-infested soup ever, I think. It sorta swims around, and you have to find it...your spoon takes on the role of the antibody." --5-15-02
"Making text bubbles is kinda fun, in a sick, sadistic sorta way." --5-15-02
"Wooo...bunches of tiny new extremely loseable parts to play with! Wooo!!! This one's soooo cool!! Yey!" --6-3-02
"Ew. You sick placebo!" --7-9-02
"I made my family aware of the fact that I hadn't dined on Hamburger Helper, in any form, for a very long time." --7-12-02
"But I need host bodies! I must feed! You know...to hang around. And talk." --7-12-02
"Remember how my mouse kept dying? It turns out that it was a faulty mouse. So now I have a non-flawed mouse. The poor little rodent was put out of its misery at last." --7-14-02
"Happiness! That's happiness! Crackers, cheese, and a cute lil' butcher knife. You can't get much better than that!" --7-14-02
"You're weird sometimes." --7-14-02 (And that, class, was an example of an understatement.)
"I sorta zoned out and started smiling a lot this morning, causing me to talk to the forklift and tell the sandblasting grit barrels what I'd be doing with them. You know, to try to relax them. It's really hard to work with nervous aluminum oxide." --7-24-02
"I did a new /EB strip! I'm rather elated. If you could see me right now, I would be sitting almost perfectly still, staring blankly at the computer screen. That's how utterly excited I am." --8-4-02
"So...I can't possibly be competition...even if I were a pretty Joel-girl, because you're not even looking!" --8-4-02
"I left that life behind! Being a cute, cat-eared, whistling merchant just wasn't all it was cracked up to be." --8-4-02
"Attrition, ambition, and a tiny bit of superstition; tie them up, we're goin' fishin'!" --10-16-02
"I don't care what kind of corpses you leave in my bed; you'll always seem like a good friend on paper!" --11-25-02
"Don't you have other people eager to remove body parts from your lifeless corpse? 'Cause I don't really have any sort of trophy system going right now, nor do I really intend to begin one." --11-27-02
"I won't hurt you...I just want your LIFE. And soul. Pretty, soft little soul..." --11-27-02
"Handicap, gingersnap, ba-ker's way, two more dozens and I'm through for to-day!" --12-2-02
"Are you causing my headache?" --12-2-02
"I saw another random person that seems to have that genetic combination that I currently find particularly interesting!" --2-5-03
"Your lips keep glittering at me! Make them stop!" --2-24-03
"I'm in one of those moods in which I just want to laugh really loudly at the sky. I think it's going to be hard to fall asleep now..." --3-23-03
"But you're dangerous enough with just the power of a single Helen!" --4-13-03
"I could get a chinchilla and psychiatric assistance. Or just one." --4-21-03
"I think that I look really cute eating Pop-Tarts." --4-25-03
"I keep getting stuff from things that don't exist. Today I got a message on the answering machine from someone regarding paperninja.net. They left a toll-free 800 number that is, as I found when I tried to call, disconnected. Where are all these other-dimension people coming from?!" --5-6-03
"At UH for all my learning and leading needs. Maybe I'll die." --1-28-04 (His away message. UH's slogan is "Learning. Leading.")
"Today smelled especially good once I got outside and stood around a while." --3-7-04
"You need more abuse, Helen! I'm doing it for your own good!" --3-8-04

Santos Liners

"I left it under my pillow one time, and the leather fairy left some cash for it." --Santos G.
"I have a distinct feeling that my clothes have little adventures while I'm gone." --Helen L., 11-9-01
"I was occupied with my potato." --Helen L.
"See, you let your guard down..." --Santos G.
"Ah...'twas a decoy potato!" --Helen L.
"It even made noises, to further distract you...a cleverly-laid decoy, it was." --Santos G.
"Now I can never trust potatoes again..." --Helen L., 11-10-01 (or: Why Baked Potatoes Should Not Be Eaten At 3:40 A.M.)
"It's as though I have a humbled, abused personality which usually reflects my thoughts and an angry, forceful personality that points out how corrupt and pathetic my existence is." --Santos G.
"Wow. It's like you have a sadist personality inflicting itself on the rest of you." --Helen L.
"It's an unending search for motive that usually blames stupidity." --Santos G.
"Hm. Do you live by your heart, and then your head beats you up for it?" --Helen L.
"Sometimes. Sometimes I try to go by thoughts and plans, and my head beats me up for it. Every time I try to act on what my heart says, it blames lust, and every time I use my mind, it blames stupidity." --Santos G.
"Perhaps you need a head transplant." --Helen L.
"Perhaps. That might hurt, though." --Santos G., 11-22-01
"Technically, it already is tomorrow, though." --Helen L.
"I'm talking about tomorrow, not tomorrow." --Santos G.
"Oh, tomorrow. See, that wasn't totally clear." --Helen L.
"It was clear. You just weren't paying attention." --Santos G.
"Nah, I have issues with time. Stupid time!" --Helen L.
"I have issues with pineapples." --Santos G.
"How so?" --Helen L.
"That's another story." --Santos G., 11-22-01
"Also, tomorrow only, there's a big 60% sale at Ace Hardware." --Santos G.
"Great...I can go get those...wrenches...I've always wanted...oh! Oh my God. And hinges." --Helen L.
"Yes. Hinges." --Santos G.
"I totally forgot that I was going to start collecting hinges." --Helen L.
"So did I. Since I never knew, I can be more disgusted." --Santos G.
"It was something I started in 6th grade, only no one ever took me seriously, so the whole thing sort of...ended. Now I collect nothing unusual except for Andes mints wrappers." --Helen L.
"I think that I collect receipts. I have...hundreds of receipts. I have a shelf devoted to receipts...every once in a while I empty it into a large box. A large box...full of receipts." --Santos G., 11-22-01
"Shut up, fool! You know nothing...except for all that stuff..." --Santos G.
"Don't set any bushes on fire!" --Helen L.
"You wouldn't be so smart if it weren't for all that knowledge!" --Santos G.
"Oh...good. Knowledge...yum. I eat knowledge for breakfast! Wait, I don't eat breakfast. That might be the problem." --Helen L.
"I eat breakfast for knowledge. And shoelaces. Contradictions! You are Lord of Lies." --Santos G.
"Shoelaces?! Never talk to me about shoes again!" --Helen L., 11-22-01 (The Battle of Late-Night Wits)
"If socks had souls, would we all lead better lives?" --Santos G.
"Those socks have lost the Protestant work ethic." --Helen L., 12-5-01
"Quiet-ful, helpful, devoid of those malicious activities that some people have..." --Santos G.
"Malicious activities? Is that a dig at me?" --Helen L.
"Umm..." --Santos G.
"I really needed that umbrella, I swear!" --Helen L., 12-5-01
"Next time you get the chance, watch windshield wipers at work! It's like playing chess without hands." --Santos G.
"I think it's like a power struggle. It makes me upset to watch." --Helen L.
"It's a metaphor on life. It's like trying to jet ski without teeth." --Santos G.
"And that's why it's upsetting. Even windshield wipers can't escape our human constraints!" --Helen L.
"Nope. They're around, they're around, faithfully serving their only purpose, until that one last day when they're stricken down and go to that big budget cut in the sky." --Santos G.
"No, no, no more things in the sky, they're all going to fall, going to crush us, no, death, no, no, bad, no, dying, hurt, pain, no...!" --Helen L.
"Bidding on things is fun. Sometimes. Do you like rusty things? I like rusty things. Especially Mars." --Santos G., 12-5-01
"I want to be a people!" --Santos G.
"I'll make a note of that. Next time I assign future lives, I'll let you be a people." --Helen L., 12-5-01
"Wait, no, I don't like children." --Helen L.
"I had to put up with many tonight. I think that I realized how...tolerant I am towards them. I was actually quite proud at how well I was able to sit and refrain from snapping their little bodies in half. I was just sorta mellow..." --Santos G.
"I'm sure if they could read minds, they'd be far, far away from you." --Helen L.
"I doubt it. They'd probably antagonize me more, just to see what I'd do." --Santos G.
"Hm. Yes. The puzzling minds of children. So very puzzling. So very tender. And good with basil." --Helen L.
"A pinch of garlic. Never more than a pinch! Any more, and you're ruining your breath-status, as well as detracting from other natural flavors. Minds...so...tender...good with...basil..." --Santos G., 12-5-01 (on the deliciousity of children's minds...figuratively, of course...)
"What about cats' necks?" --Santos G.
"I've never handled one." --Helen L.
"Ah. Excuses, excuses." --Santos G.
"Why would anyone throw a cat's neck?" --Helen L.
"That doesn't matter too much. I was just wondering if you could get a good grip on one." --Santos G., 12-5-01
"Maybe, I wonder, maybe they are not to be understood, and are simply a way of escaping that bitter world which every threatens to consume us. Why, then, would I completely forget that they exist whenever I am not consumed with one?" --Santos G.
"Are you having one of those thought voiceovers?" --Helen L.
"No. My leg fell asleep." --Santos G.
"Your leg is very profound." --Helen L.
"So is Spam." --Santos G.
"Spam is a fun shape." --Helen L., 12-8-01
"My dreams are often narrated in voiceover..." --Helen L.
"My dreams often end when I wake up." --Santos G., 12-8-01
"Yes. Santos. Llamor." --Santos G.
"Eh?" --Helen L.
"Yes. Santos." --Santos G.
"My mind is in a fusion of con." --Helen L.
"I feel like I'm stuck in the Bermuda Quadrilateral with nothing but a Hawaiian shirt, my wits, and a half-empty bottle of antacid." --Santos G., 12-8-01
"Our whole High School was about 500 people." --Santos G.
"Wow. The class of 200 was 584 at my school." --Helen L.
"The class...of...200...was 584? --Santos G.
"We went back in time." --Helen L.
"I'm hurting in my mind area." --Santos G.
"We were originally the class of 2000." --Helen L., 12-8-01
"I just haven't hatched an elaborate enough scheme to rid this planet of humanity while preserving the life of everything else." --Santos G.
"What you need is one big hoax." --Helen L.
"What about a collection of tiny hoaxes spread out across a yearly subscription?" --Santos G., 12-11-01 (Just imagine getting a tiny hoax in your mail every month. It's funny; I swear it is.)
"Here, have a weird look. I'm giving them away tonight." --Helen L.
"Nah, it's alright, I'm trying to quit." --Santos G., 12-21-01
"Beige has become associated with computers, and computers with evil and distractions." --Santos G.
"Oh...I always thought they were more of an impotent gray." --Helen L.
"Impotent Gray. If that were a crayon, I would be careful not to waste it." --Santos G., 12-29-01
"To a certain degree, gray alarms me." --Helen L.
"Hammer-wielding children alarm me." --Santos G., 12-29-01
"Can you write out 'Being?'" --Santos G.
"Sure...do I want to?" --Helen L.
"I was just asking if you could, not if you wanted to. Are you asking me if you want to?" --Santos G.
"I think so? I often don't know what I want." --Helen L.
"You're asking me if you think you're asking me if you want to write out 'Being' on your duffel bag? I'm just excited to be a part of this." --Santos G.
"I'm so confused." --Helen L., 12-31-01
"I have fireworks." --Santos G.
"Are you sure? I have a half-eaten banana." --Helen L.
"I have fireworks! Aaaand I intend to use them!" --Santos G., 12-31-01
"I made boom-booms! And they made the sky pretty for a few seconds!" --Santos G.
"I made little paper pants." --Helen L., 12-31-01
"Wheee...my hands smell like smoke and gunpowder." --Santos G.
"Um...yay..." --Helen L.
"They smell like adventure!" --Santos G., 12-31-01
"Have a Kleenex. No, no...have a Puffs Quilted tissue...if such a thing exists." --Helen L.
"Quilted tissue." --Santos G.
"...for when a regular quilt won't do." --Helen L.
"I like saying it as tis-soo. 'Tis Sue?" --Santos G., 12-31-01
"Oh oh oh! I forgot to tell you..." --Helen L.
"Oh...you did..." --Santos G.
"I had Tang! I had Tang!!" --Helen L.
"Alright. Was it a lot? Did you Tang to the extreme? Or just add enough to have a weak orange flavor? It's not real Tang unless there's a layer of orange grit on the bottom of the glass after you're done stirring." --Santos G.
"It came in one of those Capri Sun-type packets." --Helen L.
"Oh..." --Santos G.
"...I regret to say that I didn't see Sparky." --Helen L.
"I know not this Sparky." --Santos G.
"Sparky is the orangutan my sister saw the first time she had some." --Helen L.
"She got to see a monkey when she drank Tang? How was I supposed to know that? I don't usually hallucinate when I drink Tang. I just eat some sort of crackers." --Santos G., 12-31-01 (I wonder what sort?)
"I found that it was rather hard to find an image of Chester Cheeto, let alone a decent image." --Santos G.
"Really? I didn't realize he was so prevalent in the seedy underworld of porn." --Helen L., 1-1-02 (Get it? He couldn't find a 'decent' image?)
"I wonder why I haven't had many horrendous days? Or nights?" --Helen L.
"If you want, I could make a night horrendous for you." --Santos G.
"You should offer that as a service. For people who want revenge." --Helen L.
"'In need of bad times? Everything just seem to fit together a bit too often? Call me, I'll give you the worst night of your life!'" --Santos G.
"'Call 1-800-BAD-TIME.'" --Helen L., 1-1-02
"I'm no angel. I'm a sun with a pancake on my head." --Helen L.
"Oooh! I want to wear a pancake!" --Santos G., 1-2-02
"I've noticed over the past few months...that there's really no line between right and wrong at all." --Helen L.
"I suppose that kidnapping children is justified law-breaking if you're hungry enough, huh?" --Santos G., 1-7-02
"I have lil movies in my head!" --Helen L.
"Oh...I just talk. And sometimes when I talk, people hear me. It's one of those nasty side effects that's just bound to happen." --Santos G., 1-9-02
"And I usually have both halves of my face." --Helen L.
"That's handy." --Santos G., 1-11-02
"Wanna...see?" --Santos G.
"Okay. I like sight a lot." --Helen L., 1-12-02
"The other day he walked in and said, 'Here's a present,' and handed me some black sandstone-textured skull candle holder with red, plastic-jeweled eyes." --Santos G.
"Oooh..." --Helen L.
"Then he left." --Santos G., 1-15-02
"I have a broadsword here now! Right...here...wheee." --Santos G.
"Mine's under my bed. The safe place for swords to be." --Helen L.
"I used to keep my favorite sword right beside where I slept...I could just sort of reach out and grab it if I needed it. Now it's in my little closet." --Santos G., 1-16-02 (My broadsword really is underneath my bed...)
"Sometimes I sort of fall into a single gloomy attitude, and that overwrites other stuff." --Santos G.
"Aww...don't be gloomy...Eeyore..." --Helen L.
"Aaah...broadsword...so nice..." --Santos G., 1-17-02 (When your friends aren't consoling you enough...you can always turn to your sword...)
"It's been almost 2 years since I last had some..." --Helen L.
"I thought you had someone set you up with some." --Santos G.
"It didn't work out..." --Helen L.
"Your supplier did a lousy job..." --Santos G.
"But I went berserk, so my mom started buying the Stouffer's kind. Terrible, terrible withdrawal symptoms...I was going to start breaking things." --Helen L., 1-17-02 (Addiction? What addiction?)
"Weren't you shorter the other day?" --Helen L.
"Shorter?" --Santos G.
"Yes, you know, less tall." --Helen L.
"What day?" --Santos G.
"The other day, the one that was not this one." --Helen L.
"I don't know what you're talking about." --Santos G.
"Clearly I don't either." --Helen L., 1-27-02
"I feel like buying those lil plastic swords that people use on hors d'oeurves...or whatever it is they use 'em on..." --Helen L.
"Hamsters." --Santos G.
"Ah, yes, that's what I was thinking of. I don't know how I got the two confused. One is...so much hairier than the other." --Helen L., 1-29-02
"We don't get cots...we get urinals." --Santos G.
"Those, I would imagine, are tough to sleep on." --Helen L.
"Very." --Santos G., 1-29-02
"Is that fruit real?" --Helen L.
"Yes. Only the realest." --Santos G., 1-30-02 (Do you suppose real fruit feels inferior to realest fruit?)
"Less expensive games! Neat games! It's a portable Super Nintendo." --Santos G.
"Okay. And here I am being entertained by some person's pillowcase on TV." --Helen L., 2-2-02 (It's a long story.)
"I think that you just have the fate of the world on your shoulders, and here you are...simply online. You should use your information for good!" --Santos G.
"Simply online? What makes you think I'm not using this information online? I desperately want mashed potatoes." --Helen L., 2-2-02
"But I'm going to go do mine the sneaky way." --Helen L.
"I'll do mine the obvious, irritating way. Wheee!" --Santos G., 2-3-02
"Remember, I'm working on your song." --Helen L.
"I thought of another inappropriate response comment." --Santos G., 2-3-02
"I follow the advice of critics everywhere that say, 'Inking is that step that usually follows pencilling. The lines get so much darker. It would be blasphemy, if it weren't so damn pretty.'" --Santos G.
"Really?" --Helen L.
"Yeah...at least, that's what my imagination told me." --Santos G., 2-3-02
"Do you ever find yourself turning the book upside down? I know I do." --Santos G.
"Whaaa?" --Helen L.
"Oh...I thought you were keeping up with the micro-conversation that was going on this whole while. I took every few of your lines towards every four or five of mine... I guess you weren't keeping up as well as I thought." --Santos G.
"I wasn't aware that a book had been brought into the conversation..." --Helen L.
"Maybe you just need to work on your micro-management skills." --Santos G.
"I have none at all! My country will fail! Tumble yesterday! Exist only as rubble for the next civilization to find!" --Helen L.
"How quaint. And other fiber-enriched adjectives." --Santos G.
"How did you recover from the stabbing so quickly? My inner-stabbee wants to know." --Helen L., 2-3-02
"Yeah, I know your type. Build up trust, try to seem semi-non-threatening, then, when they least expect it, you destroy them with massive apples." --Santos G.
"I wouldn't try to destroy anyone with apples. That dropping apples thing would merely be a game. You know, like 'Who Wants To Be A Survivor?' Well, actually, that name brings up rather nightmarish game show qualities. But um...yeah. I'd only drop apples in fun." --Helen L.
"For fun! Sadisticness! So you'd destroy people for your own amusement!" --Santos G.
"It's their job to avoid the apples!" --Helen L.
"Not everyone can be prepared for apples." --Santos G.
"Then they shouldn't be in the game." --Helen L.
"They don't know they're there! You make stuff into a game...without them knowing...crazy!" --Santos G.
"I don't think I'm crazy. I think you're crazy." --Helen L.
"You should think that you don't think that you're crazy, while thinking that you think that I'm crazy." --Santos G., 2-5-02 (Okay...)
"I shall...work on homework tomorrow...seeing as I whittled daylight away today working on that curse-ed fencing site. The FINISHED fencing website...bleah." --Santos G.
"I shall also do homework tomorrow. Today I slept. Tomorrow will be boring." --Helen L.
"Today was fried shrimp eblazoned with raspberry sprinkles. Tomorrow is a spinach leaf on a piece of bread." --Santos G.
"I like spinach." --Helen L.
"I bought a big baggy of spinach today...for consumption purposes." --Santos G.
"Really? Not for artistic purposes?" --Helen L.
"EATING! The spinach of eatingness." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"So it's one of those things that stops you? Gets you hot and bothered?" --Santos G.
"It doesn't bother me so much. It bothers my parents." --Helen L.
"I guess it would...you staring at food products, rather than killing things." --Santos G.
"My parents don't encourage killing...I don't think." --Helen L.
"Maybe they exude encouragement, much like you exude bitterness and dementia." --Santos G.
"I don't deserve this." --Helen L.
"I'm just trying to keep you...awake. I don't really know what I'm doing. I just know that it involves crackers." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"I think I'm going to try and find some salad..." --Helen L.
"Wouldn't it be better if the salad tried to find you?" --Santos G.
"I don't want active salad. I want passive salad!" --Helen L., 2-8-02
"You need some life, a spark of livingness, and what better way than through vegetables that seek to disrupt your intestinal fortitude?" --Santos G.
"I...don't think I want such veggies." --Helen L.
"Have you tried them? Or rather, let them try you yet?" --Santos G.
"If they've tried me, I haven't heard about it." --Helen L.
"Well, you shouldn't make judgments so soon." --Santos G., 2-8-02 (Intestinal fortitude...?)
"All along, it was Lenny Kravitz. I can't believe it." --Helen L.
"I thought it was Kenneth Chambers." --Santos G.
"I don't even know who that is." --Helen L.
"Me neither." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"...Thanks for the big space." --Helen L.
"It was a pause, as my mind imploded with wisdom and drowned in paper airplanes. I was frightfully aware of what was going on, though I couldn't get the smaller rodents to listen to me. All I could get them to hear was my call to arms, or, as they say in America, 'I need a bath.'" --Santos G.
"...That's so awesome." --Helen L.
"I didn't think much of it as I typed...I think that I missed a magical moment, the breaking of the cookie, the cutting of the denim cake, and all of that fun." --Santos G.
"Denim cake! Aaah, that's so cool as well." --Helen L.
"I should charge you for these!" --Santos G., 2-8-02
"I'm...just in shock." --Helen L.
"Is it a good shock or a bad shock? A good little battery lick shock, or a more misplaced extension cord shock?" --Santos G.
"I guess it was a neutral shock." --Helen L.
"Like a glass of warm water, sitting outside in the shade on a cold day, collecting earthworms and finger-flies." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"Remember? I'm listing your good attributes, so you can look at them whenever you feel I've slighted you in some way?" --Helen L.
"What about staring at a light post without it knowing, spying on its light while it thinks it's alone? Is that a good attribute, or something to worry home about?" --Santos G.
"I feel sorry for the light post. You're invading its privacy." --Helen L.
"It's not my fault that it was just standing out there! It should go inside, get a hotel room or something if it wanted privacy." --Santos G.
"I've been thinking about that. No, not the light post part." --Helen L.
"You're confusing me, it cried in triumph." --Santos G.
"Holy cow. Are you human tonight?" --Helen L.
"I am am. But only am. Sometimes simpler, never lighter, and always with a pinch of garlic toast." --Santos G.
"Would that be like a crumb?" --Helen L., 2-8-02
"Okay. Here is the list, incomplete as it is... It's in alphabetical order!" --Helen L.
"That it is, side of yak." --Santos G.
"I'm not a side of yak." --Helen L.
"How would you know?" --Santos G.
"Yak sides can't type." --Helen L.
"Your list required me to consult a dictionary. How very impressive." --Santos G.
"Really?! What did I write?!" --Helen L.
"I have to say that I'm quite pleased with your bullet-ridden list." --Santos G.
"Ha! Now it's not bullet-ridden." --Helen L.
"Oh...now it is...diminished...angel food cake, without enough eggs." --Santos G.
"Oh. So you're no longer pleased?" --Helen L.
"I (the am in this story) think that it still works. It's a list, listing things quite quaintly. It's a very listly list, among other things." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"My hair weighs about 2 lbs. I wonder if I should be concerned." --Helen L.
"You probably have enough to wield as a weapon at this point." --Santos G.
"I accidentally smack people all the time. With my hair." --Helen L.
"When I read that sentence, my editor told me to omit 'accidentally,' and replace it with 'thoughtfully.' For convenience purposes." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"I just need privacy sometimes." --Helen L.
"Sometimes I need checkered flags and metered mail, a roll of dimes and a cat named Comet with no tail. It's the world I live in right now. It's a world that I can see sometimes...the sun hints at it, but only passively, never truly leading me on. A world where I can live, live, without a worry in it, just happy to have cold feet and fast fingers tapping out my thoughts on plastic ivory keys. My board of keys, it's my music, I'm the conductor, and it sings its off-key notes all the way to dawn with me riding all along, paying the fare without a moment's hesitation." --Santos G., 2-8-02
"Have you ever wished for smoke that curls in patterns above your head?" --Helen L.
"Not that I can recall. I watch them. But I don't remember to ask for them when the wind isn't blowing." --Santos G.
"I think it would be nice to have them. Sort of like an insubstantial companion." --Helen L., 2-8-02
"You know, sandwiches. I'm allowed to have a little Helen on the side, right?" --Santos G.
"Like fries?" --Helen L.
"Only not." --Santos G.
"I don't offer myself as any sort of side dish." --Helen L., 2-13-02
"I wonder what widgets are." --Helen L.
"And where they came from. And why they don't give me pie." --Santos G.
"I don't think they're pie-dispensers." --Helen L., 2-13-02
"It's a beautiful morning." --Helen L.
"Wh...what?" --Santos G.
"It's a beautiful morning! Don't deny it!" --Helen L., 2-13-02
"I guess if I only used the computer for fifteen minutes a day and did nothing but check my e-mail and look at a single webpage, my homepage, it would seem like a great computer." --Santos G.
"We must term that The Alternate Existence." --Helen L., 5-13-02
"There's a class called 'Color'?" --Helen L.
"Yes. Only one. Meets 8-11am, Mondays and Wednesday." --Santos G.
"...what does it teach you?" --Helen L.
"Guess." --Santos G.
"I honestly can't say." --Helen L.
"The use of color." --Santos G.
"But...how so?" --Helen L.
"However you want." --Santos G., 5-13-02
"Me, I'll just school myself in psychology for about 12 weeks." --Helen L.
"Drawing takes so long...you should pursue acting." --Santos G.
"What?" --Helen L.
"You'd probably make a really terrible cannibal, though...so maybe not." --Santos G.
"Cannibalism! I'm there! Mmm, people. Limbs. Oh boy!" --Helen L.
"Chewing on your lip doesn't make you a cannibal." --Santos G., 5-13-02
"Always manipulating. You're like a big...pile of...manipulation. With handlebars." --Santos G.
"I feel so complimented." --Helen L.
"Like colors! They're almost always complimented. When they're not, we panic and quickly change them." --Santos G.
"Well, okay." --Helen L.
"I seem to have a little ninja on my computer...it watches over me." --Santos G., 5-13-02
"What exactly are you doing?" --Helen L.
"I'm not quite sure." --Santos G.
"You're just...sitting there?" --Helen L.
"I'm teaching my wooden mannequin the Heimlich manuever...manoover...manuvre. Tennis." --Santos G., 5-20-02
"This e-mail I just got tells me that if I subscribe to Men's Health, I could become the man I've always wanted to be. I wonder if they know what they're saying." --Helen L.
"That's great! So are you going to try it? I think you're up to it." --Santos G.
"I already subscribed. Last year. I'm still not a man. And I think that's a good thing." --Helen L.
"So do you feel better?" --Santos G.
"About what?" --Helen L.
"So do you feel groggy, angry, and shunned by females?" --Santos G.
"No. Is that what guys feel like?" --Helen L.
"I dunno." --Santos G., 7-9-02
"I think all my friends are insane. I naturally gravitate toward insane people. So you must be insane as well." --Helen L.
"But...I'm not insane! I like fish sticks! FISH STICKS!!" --Santos G., 7-9-02
"Ego waffles." --Santos G. (No, not a typo.)
"I wonder if those are good with syrup." --Helen L.
"Probably not." --Santos G., 7-9-02
"You should always compliment someone's batch of Ego Waffles." --Santos G.
"I'll keep that in mind." --Helen L., 7-9-02
"I need some damn touch. Touch! Human contact! Like, with non-family. I dunno. Maybe it's part of being alive and having a mind." --Santos G.
"Ew. Joel, you're a touch whore." --Helen L.
"Hey! I don't just touch anyone! I mean...I think the phrase goes, "I need a hug." I feel tingly and refreshed when I get a good hug. But it don't happen much, you see." --Santos G., 7-12-02
"Heee!! A little butcher knife! So cute!! So much little butcher knife happiness!" --Santos G.
"I need stationery that says that!" --Helen L., 7-14-02
"Do you think you'll ever be a wife?" --Santos G.
"Yes. Heh." --Helen L.
"Oooh. Wife! Are you going to be a widow, too?" --Santos G.
"I hope not." --Helen L.
"Because of mysterious circumstances, and a hair dryer." --Santos G.
"I don't think so." --Helen L.
"So you want your spouse to outlive you?" --Santos G.
"I guess. I'll marry someone durable." --Helen L., 7-14-02 (Is he threatening my future husband...?)
"Cohesion and scrambled eggs. Breakfeast of champions!" --Santos G. (No, not a typo.)
"I imagine the next time I visit the breakfast aisle of a grocery, I'll see a cohesion-and-scrambled-egg-flavored...something." --Helen L.
"I doubt it. People that market things don't know what the minority wants. I wouldn't mind seeing cohesion and scrambled eggs available and the local 'raunt. But I guess that's jus me. Come on, Helen-woman! Make up a breakfast!" --Santos G.
"'Raunt." --Helen L.
"It's easier than great death pie!" --Santos G., 7-14-02
"You want to die, now? Did death find you?" --Santos G.
"I wouldn't know Death if I stepped on its foot. Actually, maybe I would." --Helen L., 7-24-02
"I can't say what I am." --Helen L.
"I could, but you'd probably get mad at me." --Santos G.
"I wouldn't doubt that." --Helen L.
"Hee. It's like playground ethics!" --Santos G., 7-24-02
"'Used Helen for sale! Low mileage! Old '82 model, great shape!'" --Santos G.
"Low mileage?" --Helen L.
"High mileage?" --Santos G.
"Mileage?" --Helen L.
"Miles? Story!" --Santos G.
"Huh?" --Helen L.
"Watch. Pen. Pencil. Glasses." --Santos G.
"Hat! I can play, too." --Helen L., 7-24-02
"You're trying to find where I'm sitting! I'm not the one losing my mind!" --Santos G.
"Oh. I thought I'd pick up the stalking thing for a moment. You know. Just for kicks." --Helen L.
"You're a pretty crappy stalker. Just so you know." --Santos G.
"I'm not really a stalker. Just so you know." --Helen L.
"Uh-huh. I see you! Peering from around corners! Staring into the window!" --Santos G.
"Ooh, paranoia sets in." --Helen L., 7-26-02
"Eventually, I'll need a job where I can wake up at around 4 or 5 pm." --Helen L.
"Graveyard shift?" --Santos G.
"That's my best time. Yay!" --Helen L.
"My best working time would have to be...um...cannibals! Fully clothed!" --Santos G.
"Fully clothed cannibals? That's like the alternative to Barenaked Ladies. How amusing." --Helen L., 7-26-02
"I only keep the hides of those that I devour myself." --Santos G.
"To mark your kill. I understand." --Helen L., 7-26-02
"It was like three years ago." --Santos G.
"...okay." --Helen L.
"In...um...dog years! Yeah!" --Santos G.
So we are in a funky time warp. I should be out of college now! Yeah." --Helen L.
"Dogs are magical, then! They have advanced machinery." --Santos G.
"That's why I killed my dog in the summer of 2002." --Helen L.
"It lets them travel around the sun seven times for every single time that we go around." --Santos G.
"Remember that? You were there." --Helen L.
"I...don't recall that...I haven't seen you all summer. At least, that's what I'm supposed to say." --Santos G., 7-26-02
"The next time that I have to work will be Tuesday. My fingers, they move, and letters come out. Scary." --Santos G.
That means you can use the weekend constructively! Like...um...what do people do when they're not on the Internet?" --Helen L.
"They...do...stuff. Draw? See movies? Listen to music? Watch TV? Explode? Wash the car, clean the house, rinse the dogs, fleece the lambs, feed the chickens, plow the fields?" --Santos G., 7-26-02
"So your life worsened with my presence? Presents..." --Santos G.
"Tangerines." --Helen L.
"It was my presents!" --Santos G.
"Yeah." --Helen L.
"My simple drawings, and Holiday Cheez-It Valentine Love-Action Card of Doom." --Santos G.
"Yay. I still have it. It's living inside your folder." --Helen L.
"What'd you do with it? Put it in your secret, candle-lit, underground stalker-shrine?" --Santos G.
"No, it's on this cart-table I have. Waiting." --Helen L.
"Aww...so...not-what-I-said-ish. Waiting for what? The End?" --Santos G.
"I have no idea...I mean, you're the creator." --Helen L.
"...I didn't give it for waiting!" --Santos G., 7-26-02
"So...there! Isn't here. Good thing you're not here!" --Santos G.
"Really? Why?" --Helen L.
"'Cause if you were...uh...I dunno, I'd probably fall asleep." --Santos G.
"Oh..." --Helen L.
"Yeah. Phones do odd things. Like allowing you to hear the other person's voice." --Santos G., 7-26-02
"I don't think Prozac is all-natural." --Helen L.
"Me neither. But it's a drug, like Radio Shack. Err...like caffeine. That's what I meant!" --Santos G., 8-4-02
"I'm in an affectionate mood. PLUSHIE EXPLOSION!!!! Oooh, pieces everywhere." --Helen L.
"'Splode. MANY PIECES!!!" --Santos G.
"Joel had a mini-'splosion?" --Helen L.
"I must retrieve these pieces! *retrieveretrieveretrieveretrieve*" --Santos G.
"No, they're gone. Leave 'em." --Helen L.
"But but...pipe cleaners..." --Santos G.
"You...make pipe cleaners?" --Helen L.
"Nope. Pieces!" --Santos G.
"So that's where they come from..." --Helen L.
"Plushies?" --Santos G.
"They always told me it was from fairy lint." --Helen L.
"I wonder if we could petition to change their names. Maybe something like, 'Fuzzy Wire Floof Yay!!'" --Santos G., 8-8-02
"Have you been drawing pornography again?" --Santos G.
"I've never drawn pornography. Maybe I should start!" --Helen L.
"Why not?" --Santos G.
"I don't know how." --Helen L.
"Oh. It's all the rage. I...never hear of anyone doing it." --Santos G.
"I never hear about people doing it all the time!" --Helen L., 8-8-02
"Santos happens." --Santos G.
"Or something." --Helen L.
"I could be happening to you all of the time, and you'd never know it!" --Santos G.
"That's quite a scary thought." --Helen L., 8-9-02
"Carnage! I'll have the carnage, well-done. It's so much tastier than raw carnage. No risk. RISK!! *penpenpenpenpenpen*" --Santos G.
"Wow. I'm going to stay on your good side." --Helen L.
"Again? What's wrong with my bad side? Is this my bad side?" --Santos G., 8-9-02
"What's wrong with me?! She hates me again! No more self-esteem!" --Santos G.
"Um... Why don't we go for a little ride to the Self-esteem Station? Fill up on some premium-grade Self-esteem?" --Helen L.
"But it's ooky." --Santos G.
"Here. *pours Self-Esteem* You know what guys' problem is? You don't have that clothing brand called 'Self-Esteem.' No wonder girls have all the self-esteem now." --Helen L.
"I have legs." --Santos G.
"That's...commendable." --Helen L., 8-9-02
"This is some good soup, yo." --Santos G.
"Then gimme some, foo'." --Helen L.
"Well, there are a few steps to preparing it. And you don't have access to the necessary stuff." --Santos G.
"High expectations, shot down again." --Helen L., 9-24-02
"That's all we need, you know." --Santos G.
"To live. Or to die?" --Helen L.
"I like dye." --Santos G.
"I like food coloring." --Helen L.
"You're lying." --Santos G.
"I can't lie!" --Helen L.
"You lie more than you die. You're just jealous of my soft shirt." --Santos G., 9-24-02
"Why?" --Helen L.
"Because. That's what Santos said." --Santos G.
"Why do you let that guy dictate your life?" --Helen L.
"Because. That's what Santos said." --Santos G., 9-28-02
"I thought you stalked!" --Santos G.
"Hello, I'm not really a stalker? Sheesh." -- Helen L.
"Yeah, right. And I suppose your sister's not really a psycho killer either, eh?" --Santos G.
"I'm not really sure about that one." --Helen L., 9-28-02
"Do you feel ill right now? Are you funked? Your breath a bit sweeter than usual? Few too many layers of clothing? The birds fluttering too innocently?" --Santos G.
"Whoa." --Helen L.
"Does the carpet dry itself?" --Santos G., 9-28-02
"Now you're making my brain crumble. Vast networks of neural connections are breaking down this moment!" --Santos G.
"Wow. Can I have some?" --Helen L., 9-28-02
"What are you going to be when you grow up?" --Santos G.
"I don't know yet. I'm aiming for death." --Helen L.
"As a career?" --Santos G.
"I can make it look good." --Helen L.
"I dunno about that." --Santos G., 9-28-02
"So...tiredness. I don't want to be reduced to inane babbling. Especially since I did rather well with coherent thought earlier." --Santos G.
"Congrats. You were quite cogent and had good points." --Helen L.
"My feet feel gooood." --Santos G., 9-28-02
"Man, I tell you what. I got milk and cookies, and some headphones playing newly-downloaded Spirited Away musics. Nice goings-on." --Santos G.
"I don't have anything in particular, but I'm pretty happy. I also crack boiled eggs on my temples. It kind of hurts. I should stop." --Helen L.
"So silly! Crazy Asian woman! Right there! Her name is Helen! Eccentric!" --Santos G.
"Anyway, I saw it on TV. So it must be okay! It's just amusing what I can make people do sometimes. At least, I think I'm making them do those things. The first time I cracked an egg on my temple, I turned to my sister and told her to do it too. Without hesitation, she picked up another egg and cracked it on her head. I wonder how many people would go ahead and do it, even though it's an utterly stupid thing to do." --Helen L.
"I eat cookies." --Santos G.
"That's not stupid." --Helen L., 10-5-02
"Corrugated Emancipation and four riots later, Samson forgave the mutant's transgression. Insofar as anyone might think, there was no longer torpor to be had, and the populace received naught but vortexes." --Helen L.
"When I grow up, I wanna live in the little town of San Miguel de Allende, Guanajuato, Mexico." --Santos G., 10-5-02
"::Helen crumples to the ground for the heck of it.::" --Helen L.
"Hark, for I hath happened upon a veritable crumple of Helen. What shalst I do with such a Helenly Helen?" --Santos G.
"::Santos may not interact with non-living environment.::" --Helen L.
"I shallst sling it over my shoulder, this Helen-of-Helens, and take it home as a spoil of wartime events! What shall I do with such a great booty as this?" --Santos G.
"::Santos does not see a Helen here.::" --Helen L.
"Verily, for it has vanished! What square knave could have scurried off with such a booty? It must hath been a verminous weascal! Off with it!" --Santos G.
"::Santos does not have that.::" --Helen L., 10-5-02 (And yes, he DID say "weascal" on purpose.)
"My mouth is an orgy of aftertastes! Chocolate lingers!" --Santos G.
"I am not going to comment." --Helen L., 10-5-02
"Helen. Isn't. Here." --Helen L.
"Yeah, well...Joel isn't here, either." --Santos G.
"Heh. I won't tell him if you won't." --Helen L.
"I won't tell Helen if you don't." --Santos G.
"Sounds like a plan." --Helen L.
"We're a secret from one another!" --Santos G.
"Shhh!" --Helen L., 10-5-02
"I won't mention Helen� if you don't mention Joel�." --Santos G.
"I won't kill you if I don't kill you." --Helen L.
"If I were to drown, I wouldn't be able to breathe. How would I know which would be my dying breath?" --Santos G.
"The one where you inhale water. And stop living. *push*" --Helen L.
"*splosh!* Help! For I am unhappy! There is a drowning� going on!!" --Santos G.
"McDrowning! It comes with the McUnhappy Meal at McDeath's." --Helen L.
"Drowning House!" --Santos G.
"Would you like fries with that? *peers into the water to see what has fallen*" --Helen L.
"*grab-pull!!* Join me in demising!" --Santos G.
"Yes, I would like to try some of that McDrowning! Would you care to sample some McProfuseBleeding?" --Helen L.
"So much anger...why so many Mc things?" --Santos G.
"It's the new American prefix! Try on some McSuffocation for size." --Helen L., 10-5-02
"She's busy." --Santos G.
"I'm not! I was...just arguing with my sister." --Helen L.
"It's all right, don't mind me." --Santos G.
"I wanted her to hold my apple, but she wouldn't. And then I asked to try on her pajamas, but she wouldn't let me. I guess that might be because she was already wearing them." --Helen L., 10-12-02
"I had some pork roast...something...stuff. And a half a potato. Potatoe. Something." --Santos G.
"Joel's got Dan Quayle tendencies! I wish I had a bit of potato." --Helen L.
"Well, you've got promiscious tendencies!" --Santos G.
"Thanks. I was looking at the Chippendales calendar while at work today. There are some scary male-dudes out there." --Helen L.
"Do you compare your suitors to them a lot?" --Santos G.
"Uh...ew... That's so wrong." --Helen L.
"So you don't compare? That's nice." --Santos G.
"No... My suitors are, ya know, fictitious characters. A 24-year old cartoon cat, a 14-year-old wizard, and an ageless, tentacled alien." --Helen L., 10-12-02
"The weather's nice now! It's chillin' out!" --Santos G.
"I know. Woo-hoo! I can start wearing wintery clothes." --Helen L.
"And muffins!" --Santos G.
"Um... Say what?" --Helen L.
"Muffins. That's what I said. Totally." --Santos G.
"No. YOU wear muffins." --Helen L.
"But...I..." --Santos G.
"I'll just watch." --Helen L.
"It's muffin!" --Santos G.
"Puffy." --Helen L.
"Absolutely muffin!" --Santos G.
"I sense a new product in the making." --Helen L.
"A new fragrance for women and children! Absolut Muffin." --Santos G., 10-12-02
"Damn. I was gonna take a pic of those dogs on that poster. Oh well." --Helen L.
"She said damn! She angry, wrath follows in small cups!" --Santos G.
"You can have one, too!" --Helen L.
"Aaah! I'll be taking no cup of wrath from you!" --Santos G.
"Careful, it's hot." --Helen L., 10-12-02
"Dr Pepper." --Helen L.
"Dr. Perky!" --Santos G.
"You can be Dr. Perky. I'll be Dr Pepper. We'll lay down some mean pop-hip hop." --Helen L.
"We found Dr. Perky on the senior trip." --Santos G.
"I didn't realize he was lost." --Helen L.
"It was awesome. And gnasty. Like extremely watered down Dr Pepper. So that would mean...what, I'd be a really diluted Helen? I'd rather be a deluded Helen! Fun! Maybe you do that well enough on your own, though..." --Santos G.
"So, you'd want to be me?" --Helen L.
"No." --Santos G.
"Aw...I was going to offer to trade." --Helen L.
"*shoot*" --Santos G.
"*dodge*" --Helen L.
"I was aiming at your dream." --Santos G.
"I don't dream of being you..." --Helen L.
"Uh-huh." --Santos G.
"Definitely not. I don't!" --Helen L.
"But if you were me, you could...um...sleep in my bed! And wear my socks!" --Santos G.
"...that's all right. I don't think I'd do that. I'm sure there are vast amounts of more entertaining things to do as a Joel." --Helen L.
"But you don't know anything about the Joel experience! You don't even have a subscription or anything." --Santos G.
"I want to subscribe to the Joel Experience!" --Helen L.
"I don't know if you can." --Santos G.
"Oh...darn..." --Helen L.
"I'm not prepared to take people inserted in my life for a fee." --Santos G.
"So...for free, then?" --Helen L., 10-12-02
"I had to laugh when I looked at my calendar and noticed how I'd denoted my tests for Psych of Human Sexuality. Upon receiving the syllabi for my classes each semester, I make up little month-at-a-glance calendars for myself. Usually, I'll abbreviate with the course abbreviation, like 'PSYC Paper due' or 'ENGL test'... But since I have 3 COMM classes and 2 PSYC classes this semester, I had to differentiate them further." --Helen L.
"Sex!" --Santos G.
"Yeah. So Psych of Human Sexuality became SEX. So if you look through my calendars, I apparently have a 'SEX Exam 1,' 'SEX Exam 2,' and a 'SEX Exam 3.' It just looks sorta funny. Because later on, I had to handwrite a 'Bring blue scantron' next to each." --Helen L.
"Could you look yourself in the mirror knowing that you'd gone to your SEX exam without a scantron sheet?" --Santos G.
"I'd be ever so angry..." --Helen L., 10-12-02
"He's using my words against me!" --Helen L.
"Yeah, well... They're so...useable. As weapons." --Santos G.
"Ou un bon mot..." --Helen L.
"Ock. Maybe you need some Sleep�." --Santos G.
"I don't have copyrighted sleep." --Helen L.
"I know. But maybe you need some." --Santos G.
"Nah. I gots mine. I had luscious, beautiful sleep until 1:15 pm. At which point I stood up and went downstairs." --Helen L., 10-12-02
"I have a terrible headache. I think that it's been lingering since around Tuesday." --Santos G.
"Oh no! You should go rest." --Helen L.
"I'll try some pills in a moment." --Santos G.
"Don't try too many." --Helen L.
"Just two." --Santos G., 10-12-02
"I have a rather hard time swallowing pills." --Santos G.
"I know. I'm improving! When I had that cold a couple of weeks ago, I was able to swallow whole Benadryl. With a lot of hesitation. It sounds so wrong to say this, but I've been working on my swallowing." --Helen L.
"My mom said to try using M&M's." --Santos G.
"I thought your uncle said that." --Helen L.
"My uncle said to try using M&M's." --Santos G.
"Ooh, I can make him change his sentences." --Helen L., 10-12-02
"'Scuse me, I'm about to die of carbon monoxide poisoning." --Helen L.
"So turn off the car, and stop spying on people." --Santos G.
"You must have some sort of secret desire to be spied upon." --Helen L.
"No...not me." --Santos G.
"You don't have to be jealous. I can spy on you." --Helen L.
"But I'm sorta tired." --Santos G.
"Oh, it requires absolutely no participation from you." --Helen L., 10-16-02
"I have an old long-sleeve shirt or two. Could just take them along, with a belt or something. Put 'em on around that time." --Santos G.
"Oooh. Can I watch? Watching people dress is funny. I learned that from watching Mrs. Doubtfire." --Helen L.
"You want to...watch me change clothes?" --Santos G.
"Um...yeah! Sure. I thought you'd never ask." --Helen L.
"That's messed up. Crazy stalker lady. I'd feel so USED." --Santos G.
"Oh..." --Helen L.
"Helen just puts up with me because of the way that I get dressed!" --Santos G.
"I don't even know how you get dressed." --Helen L., 11-3-02
"*scrunch*" --Helen L.
"*flesh*" --Santos G.
"U." --Helen L.
"I'm down with that." --Santos G., 11-4-02
"You're so...wrong. Just...wrong." --Santos G.
"I don't poke children." --Helen L.
"Uh-huh. You red hot child poker!" --Santos G.
"I try to stay away from their grimy little squish-bodies." --Helen L.
"So you like that they're squishilicious?" --Santos G., 11-4-02
"Hey! Say 'Alumline' 5 times fast!" --Helen L.
"Potato!" --Santos G., 11-4-02
"Now my hands smell like sword. Kinda oily." --Santos G.
"You smell your hands a lot, don't you? Why is that?" --Helen L.
"I dunno. I think that my hands are important. So...I pay attention. You climb on things a lot, don't you?" --Santos G., 11-4-02
"Where are you? Who are you? Why are you wearing that shirt?" --Santos G.
"It's my favorite shirt..." --Helen L., 11-25-02
"Yours sounds kind of weird." --Helen L.
"Oh...I'm not weird. Nooo. No. Cookies." --Santos G., 11-27-02
"How about your soul? I like it...hee...heeeee....can I have your soul before you die? You can add that to your will. 'Right before I die, I cede all rights to my petite, delicate soul to Santos.' I'll treat it well!" --Santos G.
"Right." --Helen L.
"It'll be like a picture...a fun picture...to gaze at for times when I am not looking at other things." --Santos G., 11-27-02
"Helen holds onto traditional ideas! Keeps 'em alive, even in this era." --Santos G.
"Some traditions are good." --Helen L.
"Like the plague! And toaster-making!" --Santos G., 12-2-02
"I just...wanted to show you...these. Three were written by me. I'm just curious...to see...if you can pick out which ones." --Helen L.
"You didn't write any of these! It's a trick question! None of these mention cannibalism or lasagna." --Santos G., 12-2-02
"Oh, Helen, you're so nice and friendly!!" --Santos G.
"Um..." --Helen L.
"You're like the sister that someone else had!" --Santos G., 12-3-02
"I wanna spy on Helen! See what she looks like when she interacts with people! What a strange and untrodden area of knowledge that is for me." --Santos G.
"Er...the key to spying on someone would be not to tell them..." --Helen L.
"Bleah. That never keeps me from watching you sleep." --Santos G., 12-7-02
"I killed myself today! I was a corpse in the trunk, then in the bushes." --Santos G.
"Uh... No one has ever said that to me before." --Helen L., 1-19-03
"I have this desolate, remote, unpopulated location to...show you." --Santos G.
"*shiver* That sounds like...a recipe for a crime scene...or a misguided come-on." --Helen L.
"Um...I disposed of my body there earlier today." --Santos G.
"Crime scene. Yep. Show me? So I should trust you, you who keeps threatening me, to show me a unpopulated area?" --Helen L.
"Yes! It's pretty neat. In a remote sort of way." --Santos G.
"How did you find it?" --Helen L.
"I got lost." --Santos G., 1-19-03
"Hee. Sprinkles! I like sprinkles. They taste like baby madness." --Santos G.
"Which kind?" --Helen L.
"Um...the good kind." --Santos G., 2-13-03
"Let me cut your hair! I'll do a gooood job." --Helen L.
"No!! Scary! I don't want you near my brain with a sharp instrument!" --Santos G., 2-13-03
"I laugh a lot when I cut people's hair. It brings me enjoyment!" --Helen L.
"Disturbed! All suicidal. Trying shoot oneself in the head with a blow dryer, or make attempts to slash the wrists with a turtle. Waah! Sadist!" --Santos G.
"I had two turtles who liked trying to slash my fingers." --Helen L., 2-13-03
"Joel, in his handiest form, comes in pocket-size! I could be happy with a Pocket Joel. I'd call him PoJo." --Helen L.
"She's so obsessive!" --Santos G.
"...?" --Helen L.
"First she wants a Joel-doll, then a Joel-dog, and then to watch me shower, and now to have a pocket version of me! Waaa!" --Santos G.
"...I do not want to watch you shower." --Helen L., 2-23-03
"But you're right there! On campus! And you made me feel stupid, so I had an excuse!" --Santos G.
"No excuse! You're like, so mean sometimes!" --Helen L.
"But you're mean, too! And you're scary, and make me feel uncomfortable, because you want versions of me to carry around in your pocket! I'm just a thing to her!" --Santos G., 2-23-03
"I guess...I guess I can't visit you when you're all mad! You might hurt me!" --Helen L.
"You could visit! I wouldn't hurt you! Just...maybe squeeze your neck or something...no harm! Playful!" --Santos G.
"Oh, in a friendly way. I see. *suspicion*" --Helen L.
"Y...yeah, that's it...*twitch* No hurt! I'm going to go do something else now! Drawing is too frustrating!!" --Santos G., 2-23-03
"Something's wrong with you. And it doesn't begin with a vowel." --Santos G.
"Oh! Is it leukemia?" --Helen L.
"I don't think so. Are you losing hair?" --Santos G.
"No. I thought that didn't happen till after chemo." --Helen L.
"Maybe you're anorexic!" --Santos G.
"How can I be anorexic? I eat enough. Anyway, 'anorexic' begins with a vowel." --Helen L.
"Maybe you're prosthetic!" --Santos G.
"Maybe I really am prosthetic." --Helen L.
"See! Maybe you're megalothoptic!" --Santos G.
"And maybe you're sesquipedalian!" --Helen L., 3-3-03
"A while ago I had this...this burst. Of life, of soul, of something." --Santos G.
"Ooooooh. It sounds pretty..." --Helen L.
"I suddenly felt all angry and defiant towards the whole world. Strike me down, that's all that could hold me back! I felt really ready to just go go go!" --Santos G.
"Go where?" --Helen L.
"Hah! It's like I'm alive or something." --Santos G., 3-23-03
"I feel all burny! Like...like if anyone got too close to my soul, they'd just catch on fire!" --Santos G.
"...ooh... *edge away*" --Helen L.
"*soul-poke*" --Santos G.
"Ack! You can't poke me! I'm Le Chat Inexplicable!" --Helen L.
"I'm going to go try to fall asleep! To get sleep! Woo!" --Santos G., 3-23-03
"I haven't seen Anne since last Friday...I miss her. You only get to see Jimothy every few months or so, right?" --Santos G.
"Jimothy?!" --Helen L.
"Or...Jim...whatever..." --Santos G., 3-26-03
"You have a fixation on seeing people, don't you?" --Helen L.
"Um...I just don't mind it that much, is all. 'Cause I'm more of a person when, you know, I get to be a person. Not-text. 'Cause my name is Santos! I'm a person of many occupations! College student, photographer, team captain, graphic designer, forklift operator! Waboo." --Santos G., 3-30-03 (He actually is a licensed forklift operator.)
"Have you ever heard of Jay-Jay the Jet Plane?" --Helen L.
"Yes." --Santos G.
"He has a helicopter friend who likes doughnuts." --Helen L.
"'Kay." --Santos G.
"So indifferent..." --Helen L.
"...I got the moral! What else do you want?!" --Santos G.
"I missed the moral...what was it?" --Helen L.
"Some things are better when friends like them." --Santos G., 3-30-03
"People always say I'm creative, but I think what they mean is I'm weird." --Helen L.
"I dunno. You seem to lack knowledge of things that just about everyone takes as common sense." --Santos G., 4-13-03
"So can I adopt you and raise you as I would a daughter, slowly exposing you to everything that you'd encounter in the over-stimulated advertising-based world?" --Santos G.
"Aw...you're the third person who's wanted to adopt me! I feel...so adoptable." --Helen L., 4-13-03
"Joel makes me smile!!" --Helen L.
"Helen makes me scared!" --Santos G., 4-21-03
"I'm a side effect of something." --Helen L.
"Ew!" --Santos G.
"Hm, I think that got misinterpreted. Never mind." --Helen L.
"I was thinking of ice cream." --Santos G., 4-21-03
"I'm not going!" --Santos G.
"I was just kidding..." --Helen L.
"I'm not driving two hours for a notable lack of creamy frozen flavor! That icy nectar of cows..." --Santos G., 4-21-03
"I wanna be a bird..." --Helen L.
"I can push you into that water..." --Santos G.
"Is it magic water for turning people into birds?" --Helen L.
"No, it's magic water for making people wet." --Santos G., 4-27-03
"Hi, Helen! *manly charm*" --Santos G.
"So where do you stash your manly charm when you're not using it?" --Helen L.
"Islands." --Santos G.
"What do you call these islands?" --Helen L.
"Islands. Basically." --Santos G.
"Oh...I thought they might have neat names like 'Santos' Manly Charm Stash' and all." --Helen L.
"Nah...then people would find them. Their names are more like 'Rob' and 'Jackop.' And 'Island.'" --Santos G.
"Oh...you're right; your way is much more inconspicuous. But, um, I could save up some of your manly charm and and start my own island." --Helen L.
"..." --Santos G.
"Then I'd name it 'Helen's Island for Stashing Santos' Manly Charm,' or maybe something like 'Santos' Manly Charm Stash In Care of Helen.' And you could borrow from it when needed." --Helen L.
"B-but...I don't get it." --Santos G., 5-3-03
"What would happen if one day I could only speak German?" --Helen L.
"You would speak only German." --Santos G., 6-16-03
"I'm sorry, Joel. My mind is slipping." --Helen L.
"It needs more traction. I'll slip into your room and pop open your head, and pour in some kitty litter while the night's still lingered." --Santos G.
"Joel likes to threaten me." --Helen L.
"That's not a threat! *help offer*" --Santos G., 7-8-03
"Before I went out with my coworkers on Wednesday, my mom cautioned me not to go to any topless bars. I don't even know where that came from... And I'm a girl, so it's not like it matters anyway." --Helen L.
"Maybe she knows about your secret life as a stripper." --Santos G.
"Uh...yeah. Maybe." --Helen L.
"She's trying to be subtle about it." --Santos G.
"Oh, okay. Wow, I'd never understand my mother without you." --Helen L., 8-8-03
"And now...I can't seem to sleep anymore...which is bad." --Santos G.
"Oh..." --Helen L.
"But Hewwen will sleep! She'll sleep enough for two people, plus a cat or goldfish!" --Santos G.
"That sounds so cute~!" --Helen L.
"Maybe a few dozen rocks...and turkey, and a pile of lobsters..." --Santos G.
"You're making me so hungry..." --Helen L., 8-10-03
"I saw the biggest pancakes that I'd ever encountered before during breakfast this morning." --Santos G.
"Neat." --Helen L.
"At a restaurant. They were about a foot across and an inch thick. Monsters. That place served food that was way too big." --Santos G., 8-10-03
"But the container claims that they're good till June...so...maybe it's just been a while since I've had Pringles." --Helen L.
"Maybe they're from the future. You were away from them for so long that they claimed their own special magnetic field, creating a miniature singularity that altered the effects of time within a radius of a few millimeters from their plane of existence. So while to Helen it is day-today-now, for them it's August 2012." --Santos G.
"Wow." --Helen L.
"I think I read about that somewhere. The company was recalling a number of Pringles shipments because of complaints associated with black holes and elderly kittens." --Santos G.
"Yeah, I think I read about that tomorrow. It was next to an article about the dangers of celery. Or clergy." --Helen L., 3-26-04
"My mom is threatening me." --Helen L.
"Oh... With avarice? Or projectile fruition?" --Santos G.
"No, doughnuts." --Helen L.
"Ouch." --Santos G.
"She said I couldn't have any if I didn't go to sleep." --Helen L.
"Right now?" --Santos G.
"Yeah..." --Helen L.
"So...you have to go to sleep right now?" --Santos G.
"I don't know. I mean, I slept already, but she doesn't believe me." --Helen L.
"You slept?" --Santos G.
"Yes." --Helen L., 3-26-04
"Am I really butch?" --Helen L.
"That never really came to mind when I saw you. I had other words..." --Santos G.
"Hee. 'Crazy Asian woman!' I remember that one." --Helen L.
"Like 'fatigued,' 'clandestine,' and 'constrictive.'" --Santos G.
"Aloof!" --Helen L.
"Bless you." --Santos G., 3-29-04
"I guess some days there just aren't enough ostriches..." --Santos G.
"Hey!" --Helen L.
"Ostrichi?" --Santos G.
"Yesterday! I went to Fuddruckers. They have an ostrich burger there." --Helen L.
"It's the new beef. In some circles. And various other-shaped restaurants." --Santos G., 4-14-04
"I just licked a lollipop." --Helen L.
"Owc." --Santos G.
"I'm worried because it tastes like poison." --Helen L.
"I didn't know poison came in lollipop flavors." --Santos G.
"If I die, you know why." --Helen L.
"I know why...because you saw an ostrich burger, and your socks were always a bit too tight." --Santos G., 4-14-04
"I labeled a diskette today at work. It was slink. It's used for transporting digital information to and fro the various computers. Its name is HD, after the late Herrald Davidsonian, whom I never met and whose grave I have never emptied a whiskey flask upon." --Santos G.
"It was slink...?!" --Helen L.
"There are three morals to the diskette, written clearly in red marker upon its hide! 'HD lov you all!! HD a kind and just arbitrator! HD make world safe?!' I just hope it don't fall into wrong hands." --Santos G.
"Or 'Harley Davidson, plastic motor vehicle of the information superhighway!'" --Helen L.
"Slink like a cat. Yo! 'The manner of that waffles concussive aftertaste was rather slink!' Like that. I can't think of a more literal metaphor." --Santos G., 4-14-04
"If you had a yellow lollipop, what flavor might you suppose it to be?" --Helen L.
"Flay! Hm...what's yellow and vaguely transferable to a licken media... Pancakes, maybe. Sunshine. Kimonos. Grasshopper bellies." --Santos G.
"Oh. You know, I think it might taste like kimonos. The picture on the wrapping shows some girls in dresses." --Helen L.
"Hm indeed!" --Santos G.
"One of them is a mermaid. So she's not wearing a dress." --Helen L., 4-14-04
"Maybe if you go to freshman orientation again, a new Helen will find you!" --Helen L.
"But I don't want a new Helen. The old one isn't old yet, and it still runs just fine." --Santos G.
"He always talks about me like I'm a car!" --Helen L.
"Nuh-uh! Sometimes I talk about you like you're a sandwich!" --Santos G., 4-22-04
"I wish I had popcorn right now." --Helen L.
"I don't know if I'd waste a wish on popcorn..." --Santos G.
"Oh...I guess I wouldn't either... But wishing for bigger things often causes trouble." --Helen L.
"Maybe if a nuclear war had just come to a horrific conclusion, I sat bleeding internally with my legs mortally pinned beneath some rubble, a few traces of newspapers flitted on the nearby scorched pavement, I could scarecly feel my hands, and I saw a pale orange engulf the horizon for my last view of a sunset...then I might use a wish on popcorn." --Santos G.
"It makes me feel happy inside, to think of a simple wish for popcorn when everything else has fallen in desecration." --Helen L.
"Oh. Well, that's the best time, I guess." --Santos G., 4-22-04
"I think I remember how the story goes... One guy stood there and added comments. I call him Billy. He said he'd lost some money, and didn't know where it was. So I said I took it, and invested it. In pork." --Santos G.
"Pork futures!" --Helen L.
"'In pork?' he asked. 'So will it make me more money?' 'Well,' I continued, 'I actually used the pork to feed some dogs. So I guess I was actually investing in new pets.'" --Santos G.
"Hm." --Helen L.
"'Will those make me money?' he asked. 'Well, see, they actually ended up eating a lot of people. So I guess I was actually investing in dead bodies. Sometimes those can be used for science. That can make some money.'" --Santos G.
"Ooh. Cadaver cash." --Helen L.
"'Well, the families of the dead people were rather angry, and decided to come after me. So I guess I actually invested in the revenge of a family. Sometimes revenge can be a good opportunity for money-making ventures.' --Santos G., 4-24-04 (I wouldn't mind having some cadaver cash...)
"I should be in the office from 10 to 1:30 or 2." --Santos G.
"Och. Neat. I visit den!" --Helen L.
"Oh... Then I should dress up!" --Santos G.
"I can give you my STDS." --Helen L.
"Waaah!! She's going to give me STDs! Maybe I won't dress up, then... Just stay far away." --Santos G.
"STDS! Stuff To Donate to Santos!" --Helen L.
"Ew! She said it again!" --Santos G.
"I guess it really ought to be StDtS." --Helen L.
"Maybe it should be STUFF." --Santos G.
"What would that stand for?" --Helen L.
"Stuff To Use For Fun..." --Santos G.
"Sexually Transmitted Unmentionables For Friends! Hee! Anyway, I have neat stuff for you. You'll like it. I hope." --Helen L.
"Ew. All she thinks about is bad stuff. I don't like psychology students..." --Santos G., 4-29-04
"I got you a box of cherry Pop-Tarts." --Helen L.
"Do I have to eat them all now?" --Santos G.
"Yes." --Helen L.
(Santos begins eating the Pop-Tarts.)
"You're really going to eat them all?" --Helen L.
"You said I had to." --Santos G.
"They were supposed to last a week!" --Helen L.
"This is like, two meals." --Santos G., 4-30-04
"So, when are you getting married?" --Santos G.
"Not for a while." --Helen L.
"A month?" --Santos G.
"No, many years from now." --Helen L.
"Who're you going to marry?" --Santos G.
"I don't know." --Helen L.
"You could marry a peasant." --Santos G.
"A UH peasant?" --Helen L.
"No, a peasant from a village." --Santos G.
"I don't know any peasants." --Helen L.
"You could meet one." --Santos G.
"Where?" --Helen L.
"In a village." --Santos G., 4-30-04
(I pick a strand of hair off of Santos' shirt)
"That's mine. I was saving it for later." --Santos G.
"You'll have more, right?" --Helen L.
(Santos begins laughing)
"Why's that funny?" --Helen L.
"You asked me if I'd have more, like they were kittens!" --Santos G., 5-18-04
"You're scared if you hug me, you'll go through the glass?" --Santos G.
"Mm-hm." --Helen L.
"That's not a side effect of hugging me. People don't go through the glass when they hug me." --Santos G., 5-18-04
"The cops took my clothes." --Helen L.
"Wah~! Why'd they take your clothes?! Did they make you go home without anything?" --Santos G.
"I was already at home... It happened in front of my house." --Helen L.
"But, um...why'd they take your clothes?" --Santos G.
"They said I was so stylish, it was a crime." --Helen L., 6-27-04
"Read it. It'll make you sad." --Santos G.
"You want me to read this so that I'll feel sad?" --Helen L.
"Not in that order." --Santos G., 7-14-04

Whoa, that's a lot.