Jokes 11
"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please. (Pause) "I'm sorry, I have no listing
for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's the
Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *Sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help
combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium
from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make
his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no
one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the
researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking,
running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the
bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row,
"You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent
osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough
calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels
pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to
him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean ..." she whispers, "... I would do ... ANYTHING."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. " *Anything* ?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... *study* ?"
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting recently, when he attempted to cross a
fence, into a field, to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Cochran
what
he was doing on his property.
Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied. The farmer replied,
"The duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine." Cochran then
asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied
the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "Does the name O. J.
Simpson mean anything to you?" asked Cochran. "Yup" said the farmer, "I
seen him on TV in that court case." "I am Johnny Cochran from Los
Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O. J. Simpson
off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get
that duck, I will sue you on the basis of
racial prejudice and take your farm, your truck, and everything else you
own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer,
"We ain't in Los Angeles. Here in the country, the law we go by is the
'3 kicks law' ". "Never heard of it," said Cochran.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, then if you can get back up
on your feet, and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."
Cochran, always looking for a challenge to show his superiority, thought
this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood, and figured he could take
on, and easily out do, this old farmer. "OK", said Cochran, "Fair
enough."
So right off the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he
doubled over, the farmer kicked him squarely in the face. Then when he
hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the side, breaking a couple
of ribs. After a few long minutes, and several failed attempts,
Cochran slowly made it back to his feet. Through clenched teeth, Johnny
says "All right, now it's my turn!"
The farmer smiled and said, "Na, forget it. You can have the duck.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did
every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the
show, "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean
with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day then another and another.
After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck
is the boat?"
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times,
as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked
after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her
the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me,
argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him
in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a
lawyer, and one was a biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my
anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure
that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the
Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his
scotch, the lawer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife
a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she
didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would
know that I love her." The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and
said, "Yeah? Well, for my
anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that
if
she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The
doctor replies "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are
fine. Your brother came in and named them." =A0=A0The woman thinks to
herself, "Oh no, not my brother--he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst,
she askes the doctor, "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the
doctor says.
=A0=A0The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name. Guess I was
wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor,
"What's the boy's name?"
=A0=A0The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to
get married, but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so
easy to find in this day and age, but he starts scouring
the country in search of his virgin. After a few months of
looking, the millionaire is out on a date one night, and he
thinks he may have finally found his honey.
The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as
they're riding in the back of his limousine, the man whips
out his cock.
"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the woman. "What in the
world is that?"
"You don't know what this is?" asks the millionaire.
"Oh, no!" replies the woman. "I've never seen anything
like that in my whole life!"
The man puts his dick away, reaches over, and starts
hugging the woman. "I love you!" he cries. "I'm going to
marry you! I'm going to make you the richest, happiest
woman in the whole world!"
A month later they get married. On their wedding night in
the hotel room, the husband sits down on the bed next
to his wife. He pulls out his penis and says to her, "Are
you sure you've never seen anything like this?"
"Never," says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder.
"Well," explains the man, "this is my cock."
"No, it's not!" says the woman, in total disbelief.
"It's not?" asks the puzzled millionaire.
"No," answers his wife. "Cocks are twelve inches and
black!"
4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
[Unable to display image]
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.
Moral of this story???
(scroll down)
As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.
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