Jokes 12


A NORTHERNER MOVES TO TEXAS:
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together - what a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though - got to respect the old' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed seeing our tabby cat sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the cart a lunch, he had swollen up the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car however, smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th
Dry #@*&$! heat, my ass! Hot is hot!!. Our home air conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged me $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 a month for house payments and we can't even be inside. Why did I ever come here?
August 4th
It's 115 degrees! Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 80. I think the repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$! state!!
August 8th
If another wise-ass says "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his #@*&$! throat plumb out! Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted #@*&$! Garfield!!
August 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*&$! for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer so the $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$! pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
August 14th
Welcome to hell. Temperature got to 123 degrees today, I swear. Forgot to crack the window in the car and blew the #@*&$! windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
September 30th
Worst damn day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$! monsoon rains finally came and all it did was make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now probably floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. We're moving back to California!!

Two immigrants, new to America, are wandering around on their first day off the boat in New York City, seeing the sights. Pretty soon they realize it's time for lunch and they're hungry from walking around all morning. They see a street vendor selling hotdogs. The first immigrant says, "I can't believe it! They eat dogs in America." The second immigrant, although equally shocked, replies, "Well, we're going to be Americans now, so we have to behave like Americans and eat like Americans." They approach the vendor and bravely order two hotdogs. The vendor hands them their meals in paper sacks. They find a park bench nearby where they sit down to eat their first American meal. The first immigrant looks inside his sack. Closing it quickly, he turns to his friend in shock. "Uh, which part of the dog did YOU get?"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighborhood kid to do the job for him. One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..." Bubba laughed and said, "It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times." The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

Two elderly women were having a cigarette together in the park when suddenly it began to rain. At this development, one of the women simply reached in her pocket, pulled out a condom snipped off the tip, slipped the remainder over her cigarette and continued on puffing away in the rain. The other woman thought this was a pretty nifty trick, so the next time she was in her local pharmacy, she went up to a young man working behind the counter and asked him for some condoms. The young man smiled, and thought he'd have some fun: "A box of condoms, maam? OK, what size would you like?" "Hmmm?" thought the old woman.. "Well, do you have anything that would fit on a camel?"

When her six-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy." "That's right, honey" her mother said. "But how does the sperm get there?" she asked, "Does Mommy swallow it?" "If Mommy wants a diamond ring, she does," came the reply.

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"


The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy." The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."


A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning. After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he'd been alone on this barren bit of land. "Almost twenty years," he said. "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" "Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts," he replied. "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. "What's that?" He looked puzzled. Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clam digger!"

A Hippie was riding on the bus, and was sitting beside a Nun. He said to the Nun, "I want to make love to you!" The Nun replied to the Hippie, "I am a Nun, I can not have sex." Shortly afterwards the Nun got off at her stop. The Bus Driver calls the Hippie up to the front of the bus and says, "I know how you can make love to that Nun..." The Hippie asks, "How?" "Well," said the driver, "Every Tuesday at midnight the Nun goes to the cemetery and prays. If you dressed up in robes and had some glowing stuff on your face you could pretend you were God and demand sex from her." "Good idea," the Hippie said. So on the next Tuesday night he gets dressed up in some robes, puts some stuff on his face to make it glow and goes to the cemetery to wait. Sure enough the Nun showed up just before midnight, kneeled down and started praying to God. The Hippie steps out in front of the Nun, face glowing, robes moving in the breeze and said, "I'll answer your prayers Sister, but first you have to make love to me." The Nun is shocked to see God in front of her. She said, "OK, but it must be anal sex as I have to keep my virginity." "Fine," said the Hippie. The Nun then kneels down, pulls up her dress and the Hippie does his thing. When he is done he stands up, whips off his robes and yells, "HA! HA! I am the Hippie!" Whereas the Nun stands up, whips off her clothes and said, "HA! HA! I am the Bus Driver!"  

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