Jokes 13




"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," said one man to the other. "I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor...'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, ...she's dead."

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. Ethel, he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, no! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys? And the brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins...the Guinea Pigs."

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "OK, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" "Beerfuck."

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!" The mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."
Two men, Don and Frank, have walked their dog's along the same route every day for years but never talked. One day Don approached Frank and said, "You know, we see each other everyday but never talk." So Don and Frank became really good friends and came across a bar neither of them had ever been to before. There was a sign that stated "NO PETS ALLOWED EXCEPT SEEING-EYE DOGS." Frank said "Lets find another bar and go there." Don said "No, follow my lead and we can go there". Don put on dark sunglasses and walked into the bar. The bartender questioned the greyhound seeing-eye dog, but Don said, "Oh greyhounds are very loving loyal and smart", and the bartender let him in. Frank followed suit, and when the bartender questioned the Chihuahua Frank simply stated, "They gave me a Chihuahua!?!"

FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT

I finished the Oreo's.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk ?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

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