Jokes 14
A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday.
At one house it was clear to the pastor that someone was
home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several
times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:
Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If
anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and
dine with him and he with me."
The next day the card showed up in the collection plate.
Below the pastor's message was another scripture passage.
Genesis 3:10. Right after the sermon the pastor looked it up
and read this passage - "I heard your voice in the garden,
and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."
A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon
they
get
a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's
not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't
wake
up
until about 8:30 that night, at which time he
realizes it's late and that he has to get home. He says to his
secretary," Quick! While I get dressed, you take my
shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud."
Puzzled,
the secretary complies. When the man
gets home about 9:30, his wife confronts him and asks him where
he's
been. The man says," I cannot lie to you. I
spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel
room,
then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right
home." The wife looks down at his shoes and says," You lying
louse!
You've been out playing golf again!"
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By
The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine
Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or
a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they
will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll
think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded
and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of
Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Ha! We are about to take
an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country
will be looking for work the next day."
A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up
the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and
announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited.
Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him
upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom
to powder her nose.
While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife
comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under
the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.
Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm,
cheese and onion?"
To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one
on yet."
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long
moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his
chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy
machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or
the machine?"
A blonde woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported and
they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally
she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the
whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with
her lack of willpower and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he
found out. She smiled.
"He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told
his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back,
and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime
scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."
A farmer passed the state mental hospital with a wheelbarrow
of fertilizer, when an inmate asked him what he was going
to do with it.
"Put it on my tomatoes," said the farmer.
"And they call me nuts because I put mustard in my milk,"
mumbled the inmate.
On the first day of college, the
Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the
first time."
He continued:
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
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