Jokes 15


How to get a red bike:
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike. Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy.
Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started another one.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy.
Leroy know that this wasn't true either. So he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God
I have been an OK boy this year. I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So along comes a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike. Please - thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom that he was going to church. His mother thought her plan had worked as he looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner", said his mother. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house and up to his room. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his new letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE RED BIKE.
Signed,
You know who

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can always get you a new cat."

A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Oklahoma paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are turning blue."said Gonz. The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?" "Yes." said Karen. "And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked. "Grape." she said.

A husband and his wife are in bed late one night when the doorbell rings. The husband goes to the window and yells, "Who's there?" A man outside replies, "Please help! I need a push." The wife says, "Honey, remember when the kids had car trouble and a stranger helped them? You should repay that kindness by helping that man." The husband agrees, goes down stairs, opens the front door and says, "Okay, I'll help you. Where'd you go?" Then, from the side yard he hears, "Over here, I'm on the swing."

A woman sat next to a man, who said," If you ask me something I can't answer, I will give you $50. If I ask you a question you can't answer then you give me $5." So the woman thought for a while, then asked, "Okay, what can run downhill but can't go uphill?" The man thought long and hard, but couldn't answer. "I give up," he said. "Here is $50. What's the answer?" The woman then gave the man $5.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."      

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, When a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
Sir,
Sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000..please advise. The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl ....and re-bait the trap.

Like a lot of husbands, Noah Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But, as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would ask, "And what's that supposed to mean?" And the rest is history.

The busy Park Avenue veterinarian impatiently assured the well-dressed lady with the schnauzer dog that there was nothing wrong with the animal's hearing. "There's just too much hair around the dogs ears," he said. "Get some hair remover and he'll be all right." She purchased a bottle of depilatory at a nearby pharmacy, And the clerk instructed her to use it full strength for leg hair and to dilute it by half for under arms. "Thanks," said the woman with a puzzled frown, "but I want to use this on my schnauzer." "Oh," said the clerk, somewhat taken aback. "Well, in that case you'd best use it at one-third strength...and...uh...I wouldn't advise bike riding for a while!"

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