Jokes 16
Grandpa is in a coma, and Grandma is worried he is going to die. She
says to her grandson, "You watch him while I prepare some food. Let me
know if there are any changes in his condition." Pretty soon Grandpa
wakes up and says to his grandson, "Are those Grandma's cookies I smell?
Tell Grandma I want some of her cookies." The boy goes downstairs, then
comes back up and says to Grandpa, "Grandma says you can't have any.
They're for the funeral."
OATH TO A FRIEND
When you are sad,........ I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are scared,..... I will laugh at you and tease you about it
every chance I get, Then I will make sure you know you're never alone.
When you are worried.... I will tell you how much worse it could be and
to quit complaining, then I will hug you, and tell you it'll be ok.
When you are confused,... I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.
And when you are lost,... I will answer my cell phone and give you
directions.
When you are sick........ I will hold your hair while you pay homage to
the porcelain god.
When you fall............ I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Then I will hold out my hand and help you up.
This is my oath: I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're
my friend, and the whole reason people have friends is to have fun, and
to know that even in your darkest hour, you're never alone.
A man was watching TV one day when he heard a knock on the door. He got
up and answered the door, and to his surprise found a snail looking up
at him from his doorstep. Disgusted, the man picked up the snail and
threw it across the street. Three years later, the same man was watching
TV when he heard a knock at the door. He answered it, and sure enough
there was the snail. "Hey!" the snail called up at him, "What was that
for?"
Tips on love. All questions were answered by kids age 5-10.
· WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you
can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
· WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
· WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big
ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim,
10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with
a
handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
· THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to
clean up after them." (Lynette,9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't
need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
· CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how
you smell. That's why perfume and deoderant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest
of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
· ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to
do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
· ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it
doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything
and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,
9)
· CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good
money for them." (Dave, 8)
· CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is
on
television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)
· THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons
of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
· SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes
to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
· HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in
love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.
Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like
to
order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine,
9)
· WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers
at
least once a day." (michelle,9)
· HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin,9)
· WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's
why
I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
· HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out
the
trash." (Randy,8)
My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car
won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in
the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know,
I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor
from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.
"OK Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the
remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise,
the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing
that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it
is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic.
Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a
psychoanalyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,"
the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have
both been treated by him, and they say he's as good
as they come." The man wrote down the name of
the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed
for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do
what I suggested?" the bartender asked,
serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been
seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took
a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder
into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good,"
he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me
a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!"
the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes" the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass
me anymore!"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the
door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their
order
over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting
and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
the
roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm.She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the
table
erupts.
Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks
over
to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's
puzzle
of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of
the
blondes, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde
who
brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are
dumb
and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten
of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together...the
side of
the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!
Funny Quips
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.25, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded
baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern
zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say F**k?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and
a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe
this shit.
A man was driving home from work one evening when
he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday
and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and
asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the
window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which
Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping
for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced
Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie
comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's
furniture.
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way
on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on
that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone. "Honey, watch out
because a car is going the wrong way and running people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
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