Jokes
A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal,
except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors
and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents.
He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from
his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check
if his hand was all right, and guess what he found?
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The birth control pill.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes
suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis.
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a
little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can
you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and
jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at
it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss
my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the
outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been
running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said,
"That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was
quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should
kiss his ass!"
"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten
minutes."
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the
aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up
and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight
to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens,
I'm on the wrong bus!"
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where
do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting
about each companies' service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly
on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to
process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wed-
nesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without
warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were
able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on
the 20th floor, in Tower One, of the World Trade Center.
One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th
floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he
passed our floor."
One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly
complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted
to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and
continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So,
how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied
the professor.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant bends down and has a look at the shoes. "Try
pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith thighth."
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran
Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church.
In order to do so, I had to attend classes.
At the first session, the minister conducting the class
said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness
from God?" I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"
The General Services Administration has experts who actually
visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their
day-to-day routines.
One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission
and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested
as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten
years old.
The FCC Director loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought,
but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the
radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old
son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and
broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the
dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't
know!"
Email: how2chat@aol.com