Jokes



A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found? Scroll down. * * * * * * * * * * * * The birth control pill. *


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."


A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"


Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service. The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wed- nesday evening." The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening." The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in Tower One, of the World Trade Center. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."


One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.


A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant bends down and has a look at the shoes. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says. "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith thighth."


Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?" I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"


The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines. One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old. The FCC Director loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought, but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."


Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"


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