Jokes 18



A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. He gets the phone number and goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Pizza have what you order: pepper only."


An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies, then threw his down in one gulp. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"


A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God," he cried out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"


The psychiatrist waited until the patient became comfortable on the couch, and then said, "Why don't you start at the beginning?" The patient said, "Okay. In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth...."


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."


A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn. "Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?" The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."


A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"


The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall."


A lion in the Milwaukee zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Minnesota tourist into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."


Back in the good ol' days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: A true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."


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