Jokes 19



At a recent computer software engineering course, the par- ticipants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers were responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.


The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"   Suzy replied, "...because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said. Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was moaning, 'O God, I'm coming!', and if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!"


John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy." The note read:
The Tent Pole is Up,
The Canvas is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back to Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to your silly Daddy." The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen." The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs." The note read:
I'm Sure That your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand.


A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the largest city in the area. After about a dozen belts of neat whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A waitress in a flimsy, low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?" The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on. "How did you know I'm a priest? he asked. The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. We go to the same psychiatrist!"


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."


The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?" "Of course, dear. Every single detail!" "Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."


A torrential rain soaked South Louisiana, and the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. She saw it repeatedly float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back. She asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"


After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night. Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor. We don't want you to get too excited."


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"


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