Jokes I recieve in E-Mail 2
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! at long last, here are
some
NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging
gracefully. These
are
a bit more realistic... 1.
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens
fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck
chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton
and watch
her
face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration
appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and
tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's
hormone levels shift,
see
her whiskers grow. Available with teensy
tweezers and magnifying
mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy
triceps with
these
new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front,
too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in
stiletto heels
have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.
Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then
slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles
Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet
and
lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
Barbie's own line
of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader
is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high
school
megaphone
to
root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in
robin-egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie
needs
a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the
doctor
ordered, along withProzac. They're hopping in her new
red Miata and
heading
for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real
tape of
"Breaking
Up Is Hard to Do." 9. Divorced
Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's
house,
Ken's car,and Ken's boat. 10.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught
up
with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve
Steps instead of
dance
steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings
religiously.
Comes
with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of
Diet Coke. 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This
Barbie wets her pants when
she
sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a
lot. She is sick
and
tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the
tube, clicking
through
thechannels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a
bonus this year, the
book
"Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off.
Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and
took the arm and John to a surgeon.
"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in
re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have
completed the operation."
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did
it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again
when John accidentally cut off his leg.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back
to the same surgeon.
"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I
can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished
early - John's playing football."
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking
50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again,
when John accidentally cut off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest
of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful
surgeon would do the job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon
muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."
Sam returned in 12 hours.
"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied.
He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
Two brothers 8 and 6 yrs. were getting ready
for breakfast when the older brother said,
" I think we're old enough to start using cuss
words like>grown-up. So when we go to breakfast, let's usesome cuss
words. I'll say "Hell" and you say. " Fat Ass'." They agreed and went
to breakfast. After sitting down, their mother asked the 8 yr. old what
he wanted for breakfast. He replied, "Oh Hell, I think I will have some
Cheerios." "What did you say?" his mother yelled. She went over and
slapped
him so hard he fell out of his chair. She pulled
him up off the floor, dragged him to his room and slammed the door.
When she got back in
the kitchen, the 6 yr. old was sitting there wide-
eyed. She ask him sharply.. "Now, young man what do you want for
breakfast?" He stuttered
and said. " I don't know, but you can bet your
fat ass, it won't be Cheerios!"
A man's wife insisted on going deer hunting with him. Finally, he gave in,
and set her up at the base of a tree, telling her he would scout
around, scare up a deer, and send it her way. After about 15 minutes,
he heard a shot. He rushed back to the stand where he had left his wife
to find a man with his hands in the air saying: "OK, OK lady, it's
YOUR deer! Just let me get my saddle off of him."
This guy complaining to his friend about his arm hurting and he thinks
he should go see a doctor.But the friend tells him about this new
computer machine down at the local drug store and for 10 dollars and a
urine sample it will tell whats wrong.So he gives it a try,pours the
urine in then puts in the 10 dollars and all of a sudden bells start
ringing,light start flashing and the machine stops and out comes this
slip that reads,you have tennis elbow and to soak it in warm water for a
few days and it should be find.Amazed at this new technolagy,he wondered
if it could be fooled.So he got tap water,dog poop,his wife and daughter
urine samples and jerked off in it.Took it down to the drug store,put it
in the machine with the 10 dollars and the bells rang,lights flashed and
stopped.The slip came out and read. Your water is hard,your dog got
worms,your wife is pregnant and it's not yours,your daughter is on
cocaine and if you don't stop jerking off you'll never get rid of your
tennis elbow.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
- "If you're
going to
kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray
that will come out
of
the
carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you
don't straighten up,
I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so,
that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you
wear clean
underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and
I'll *give* you
something
to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your
mouth and
eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you
*look* at the
dirt on
the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit
there 'til all
that
spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as
if a tornado swept
through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
- "If I yelled
because
I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"
My mother taughtme about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told
you once, I've
told
you
a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought
you into this
world,
and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like
your
father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are
millions of less
fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do!"
THANKS, MOM!
Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral
procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger
stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!"
said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought
to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"
A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing
her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep
a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she
put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing. What
she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odor; if
the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew
she would be gone. The two dated, with she practically holding her
breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry,
she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem. On their
wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. "I have a
confession to make," she said. He turned his head, gagging, and said,
"Don't tell me. You ate my socks."
AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response
when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can
intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of
Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and
the
deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla
Schitt,Giva
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high
school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were
living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe
Schitt- Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
Chicken
Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood
and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently
returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct
them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
One day an atheist was out hunting for deer when he heard something
behind him. He turned around to see that it was a bear. The bear got
closer, so the frightened atheist decided to give prayer a try. "God,
I know I denied you so many times, that it would be foolish for me to
ask you to help me, so I ask you to please make the bear a Christian."
When he finished his prayer, the bear got down on its knees. The atheist
got closer, and heard the bear saying: "God, bless this food I'm about
to eat."
Email: how2chat@aol.com