Jokes I recieve in E-Mail 2

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic... 1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included. 5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along withProzac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." 9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,and Ken's boat. 10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through thechannels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation." So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"

Two brothers 8 and 6 yrs. were getting ready for breakfast when the older brother said, " I think we're old enough to start using cuss words like>grown-up. So when we go to breakfast, let's usesome cuss words. I'll say "Hell" and you say. " Fat Ass'." They agreed and went to breakfast. After sitting down, their mother asked the 8 yr. old what he wanted for breakfast. He replied, "Oh Hell, I think I will have some Cheerios." "What did you say?" his mother yelled. She went over and slapped him so hard he fell out of his chair. She pulled him up off the floor, dragged him to his room and slammed the door. When she got back in the kitchen, the 6 yr. old was sitting there wide- eyed. She ask him sharply.. "Now, young man what do you want for breakfast?" He stuttered and said. " I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass, it won't be Cheerios!"

A man's wife insisted on going deer hunting with him. Finally, he gave in, and set her up at the base of a tree, telling her he would scout around, scare up a deer, and send it her way. After about 15 minutes, he heard a shot. He rushed back to the stand where he had left his wife to find a man with his hands in the air saying: "OK, OK lady, it's YOUR deer! Just let me get my saddle off of him."

This guy complaining to his friend about his arm hurting and he thinks he should go see a doctor.But the friend tells him about this new computer machine down at the local drug store and for 10 dollars and a urine sample it will tell whats wrong.So he gives it a try,pours the urine in then puts in the 10 dollars and all of a sudden bells start ringing,light start flashing and the machine stops and out comes this slip that reads,you have tennis elbow and to soak it in warm water for a few days and it should be find.Amazed at this new technolagy,he wondered if it could be fooled.So he got tap water,dog poop,his wife and daughter urine samples and jerked off in it.Took it down to the drug store,put it in the machine with the 10 dollars and the bells rang,lights flashed and stopped.The slip came out and read. Your water is hard,your dog got worms,your wife is pregnant and it's not yours,your daughter is on cocaine and if you don't stop jerking off you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taughtme about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" THANKS, MOM!

Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"

A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing. What she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odor; if the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew she would be gone. The two dated, with she practically holding her breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry, she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem. On their wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. "I have a confession to make," she said. He turned his head, gagging, and said, "Don't tell me. You ate my socks."

AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt. So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

One day an atheist was out hunting for deer when he heard something behind him. He turned around to see that it was a bear. The bear got closer, so the frightened atheist decided to give prayer a try. "God, I know I denied you so many times, that it would be foolish for me to ask you to help me, so I ask you to please make the bear a Christian." When he finished his prayer, the bear got down on its knees. The atheist got closer, and heard the bear saying: "God, bless this food I'm about to eat."

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