Jokes 20
MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,
we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think
the average life span of a male is typically 10 years
shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging
we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just
misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think
that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the
moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are
just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain
it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men
lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by
staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN
PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make
him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in
public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our
partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time
you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy
it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's
missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to under-
stand that men and women are different? How are we suppos-
ed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel?
Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage,
hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea
how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try
to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day?
We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides
women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...
Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go
find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on
end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by
evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time
without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often
necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time
while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers
etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born
with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-
sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying
that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault.
It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think
it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly,
it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single
one of your questions. If we think we do not have the
answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply
remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our
way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe
it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides,
holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach
cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We
just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants
to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no
intention of killing? Err... buying?
Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the
road when the first little snake turned to the second
little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why?" asked the second little snake.
"Because," said snake number 1, "I just bit my lip!"
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
4. Taxis stop for us.
5. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
6. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
7. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
8. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
9. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
10. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
11. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
12. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
15. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he
hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if
there's any place around where he can get American food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that
just opened, and they deliver. He gets the phone number and
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What did you put
on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Pizza have what you
order: pepper only."
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's
too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss
the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's
being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we
can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you
kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same
good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on
it."
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black
eye, and torn clothes. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.
While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well Dad," said the boy, " I challenged Larry to a fight, and I gave
him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH...
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think
of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle
hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious
hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries, birthdays and other events you want us to
remember on the calendar. That increases the chance we'll
remember by 50%.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do
something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a
color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just
not worth the hassle.
Bella was terribly upset. Her fiancée, Marvin, had been to a
clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely
consoling.
She said to her mother, "I'm not sure the marriage would be
happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a
pronounced Oedipus complex."
Her mother shrugged and said, "Don't listen to that fancy
talk. I've watched Marvin and I tell you he's all right.
Look how he loves his mother."
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