JOKES 3

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around." "Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i- na jail!" "But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!" His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight. When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that good champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much. He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue! You nasty bitch, why'd you piss in the tub!?"
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk." He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
A man and his wife plan to vacation in Florida. At the last minute the wife has to go to a business meeting. The husband goes ahead; the wife agrees to meet him in a couple days. While they're apart the husband sends his wife an e-mail, but accidentally sends it to a woman who's husband had died recently. After reading the message, she passes out cold. Her daughter, wondering what disturbed her mother so much, reads the e-mail: "Dear Darling, I have really missed you! I am looking forward to your arrival tomorrow. Oh, and it is really hot down here!"
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
John played golf every Saturday with his three best friends, Tom, Dick, and Harry. Knowing that John usually made it home by noon, his wife was getting worried because it was almost 2:00 p.m. and she hadn't heard from him. 3 p.m. came and went, then 4 p.m. Finally, around 5, John walked in dragging his golf bag. "Where have you been? I've been so worried!" his wife exclaimed. "It was a real bad day at the golf course." John replied. "Harry had a heart attack and collapsed on the 4th hole. It was pretty rough. Hit the ball...drag Harry...hit the ball.. .drag Harry..."

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