JOKES 4
Her grandson is playing in the water, while Sophie is
standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and
crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the
ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He
simply vanished.
Sophie holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could
you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother?
Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not
tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud
of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and
crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is
standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had
happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your
grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sophie responds, "Well, he was wearing a hat."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to
a big department store looking for a job. The manager
says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid
says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid
says "$101,237.64" Boss says "101,237.64? What the
hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I
sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger
fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down
to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4
Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons
for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot,
you might as well go fishing.'"
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. At the pearly gates he met
St. Peter who told him that new rules were in effect due to the
advances in education on earth and that admittance required the
Heavenly Soul not only to have lived a good life but to answer three
questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What's God's first name?Forrest thought and thought and said,
"I know, the two days of the week that begin with the letter "T" are
today and tomorrow." St. Peter said, that although that was not the
answer he was expecting, he would allow it.Then, Forrest said, there are
twelve seconds in every year.St. Peter gulped. "Okay, how do you figure
there are only twelve seconds in a year?"Forrest replied "January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...etc.""Okay, okay" said St. Peter. "I'll give
you that one too. What about the third question?"Forrest thought some
more. "Well, it's either Andy or Howard." "And just how did you arrive
at those two names." St. Peter asked?"You know" replied Forrest, "from
the song. Andy walks with me, Andy he talks with me, Andy tells me I am
his own....," Forrest sang. Then he added "and from the prayer
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."St. Peter welcomed
him in without another word!
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice,
when they were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone
came in, they'd think we were dancing."
Vinnie goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced.
The store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Vinnie puts on his new x-ray glasses and,
bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked! He takes them
off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts
the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to
his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and
finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his
glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back
on, and they are still naked.
Vinnie gets disgusted and says, "Damn, I just paid fifty-
bucks for these, and they're already broken!"
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive,
bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in
grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull
out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at
the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional,
the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for
us?
A young couple wander off to the bushes during a softball
game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking.
After awhile the guy abruptly stops.
"You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and
I think it's time we had intercourse,"
"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it
hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."
The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start
making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good,
start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're
really doing!"
The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes
and get down to business. Ten minutes later, everyone within
a mile hear the following:
"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!"
One day a man decides to go ice fishing. He begins to cut a hole in the
ice when a booming voice from above says, "There are no fish there." So
he moves to another area, and begins to cut another hole in the ice, when
he hears the voice again, "There are no fish there." So he moves again
and begins cutting another hole when once more the voice bellows, "There
are no fish there either." So the man looks up and says "Who is this,
God?" The voice replies, "No, this is the manager of this ice skating
rink."
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way on
a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on that
highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone. "Honey, watch out
because a car is going the wrong way and running people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when the college boy
who delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery,
but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of
you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five
dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."
There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model
to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "I don't have time to wait for road service.
Could you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure."
He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but
couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling
and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure, honey! But, first I have to change this tire."
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