JOKES 5


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept., where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out-but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. He adds, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something." He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down! When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again! Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down! Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you." She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. There they found a strange-looking woman sitting at the door's entrance. "Welcome to the ladies room," she said. "Be sure to check out our newest feature - a mirror which will award you one wish if you look into it and make a truthful statement. But, be warned, if you say something false you'll be sucked into the mirror and you'll live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women were intrigued so they gave it a shot. The brunette looked into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three girls." Instantly, the brunette was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three girls." Suddenly, the red head found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited about the possibility of having her wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

A man and a woman got in a car wreck. Fortunately, no one was hurt. The woman said to the man, "Since we are both okay, we should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, let's open it." She got the bottle out of the car and handed it to the man. The man took a big drink and then handed it over to the woman, who closed the bottle and put it down. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?" The woman cleverly replied, "No, I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. "Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's with nuts!

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Her grandson is playing in the water, while Sophie is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. Sophie holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" Sophie responds, "Well, he was wearing a hat."

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