JOKES 5
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, and rolls over and
says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his
tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light
goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is
heating
up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to
hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs
as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might
as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department
store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't
decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over
and
get
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept.,
where
she gets a
set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out-but she
does
not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says, "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what
is
going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband
stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this
stuff now."
The wife's face goes blank.
He adds, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and
the
husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man."
A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he
looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off
his
stool. He said to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting,
somebody
oughta do something."
He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride
home." He
picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He
had to
prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy
fell
down! When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up
against
the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!
Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived,
and
the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk
out of
the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and propped him up
against the
railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down!
Finally
the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your
husband home for you."
She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but
where's his
wheelchair?"
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and
relaxation.
After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the
ladies room. There they found a strange-looking woman sitting at the
door's entrance.
"Welcome to the ladies room," she said. "Be sure to check out our
newest feature - a mirror which will award you one wish if you look
into it and make a truthful statement. But, be warned, if you say
something false you'll be sucked into the mirror and you'll live in a
void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women were intrigued so they gave it a shot.
The brunette looked into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful of us three girls." Instantly, the brunette was surrounded by
a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us
three girls." Suddenly, the red head found the keys to a brand new
Lexus in her hands.
Excited about the possibility of having her wish come true, the blonde
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked
into the mirror.
A man and a woman got in a car wreck. Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The woman said to the man, "Since we are both okay, we should celebrate.
I have a bottle of wine in my car, let's open it." She got the bottle
out of the car and handed it to the man. The man took a big drink and
then handed it over to the woman, who closed the bottle and put it down.
The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?" The woman cleverly
replied, "No, I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
A little boy and girl go trick or treating.
They knock on the door of this house and the
man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute.
"Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back
dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once
again and the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you
can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man
hears the bell ring again. This time when
he opens the door there stand the two children
but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he
asks.
"We're M & M's, " said the little girl.
"I'm plain. He's with nuts!
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great
time. After they returned home and the men went back to
work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,
'7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed
all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and
I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up
each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes,
the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where
your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can
haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."
Her grandson is playing in the water, while Sophie is
standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and
crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the
ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He
simply vanished.
Sophie holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could
you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother?
Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not
tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud
of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and
crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is
standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had
happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your
grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sophie responds, "Well, he was wearing a hat."
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