Jokes I Recieve in E-Mail
Higher gasoline prices caused by the shortage of oil. The less oil we
have, the higher the price at the pump. There are a lot of folks that
can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the
answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. We didn't know
we were getting low! The reason for that is obviously geographical, all
the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in
Washington, D.C.!!!
At the height of the Intafada, the Israelis and Arabs realized that, if
they
continued, they would someday end up destroying the world.
So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a
dogfight.
The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to
develop the
best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its
country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay
down
its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from
each
litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the
milk.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed
iron
prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.
When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange
animal: It was a twelve foot-long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird
animal
stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies
predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the
ring.
The Arab dog, teeth bared, snarling, leapt from his cage and charged
the
giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws
and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a
small
bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis. They were dumbfounded, shaking their
heads in utter disbelief and confusion.
"We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five
years
with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a
killing
machine."
"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working
for
five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
At The Store..
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in
her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and
her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine
and
fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the
aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for
candy.
When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said,
There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then
we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began
to
clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there'd
be no gum purchased.
The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand
in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her.
I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he
began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy.
Hillary's parrot
Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful,
colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?", she
asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to
own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his
language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered
his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his
head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New
house, new madam."
Hilary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the
bird's history, Chelsea, too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters.
The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi, Bill!" >>
WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK...
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to
Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of
the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting
boarding passes.
As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened
his raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket,
not your stub."
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to
me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it
for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you
tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it
on
the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
During his sermon on Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that
the entire range of human existence could be found in the Bible.
If
anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the
Bible. After
the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend,
I don't
think the Bible mentions anything about PMS anywhere."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a
reference to PMS
somewhere in the Bible. During the following week, he searched
diligently,
book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did
you find
PMS mentioned in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read: "...and
Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't
read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad
read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within
20 miles of you home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because
the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change
their
address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine.
I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last
week I put a
load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven't seen
them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
last week;
the first time for three days and the second
time for four
days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your
Uncle Billy
Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the
mail with
the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the
pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We
were
really worried because it took him two hours to
get me
and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I
haven't found
out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are
an aunt or
uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last
week. Some
men tried to pull him out, but he fought them
off and
drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for
three
days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a
pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam
to safety. Your two friends were in the back.
They
drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate
down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing
much
out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Email: how2chat@aol.com