Jokes 9



A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."


Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."


Bartender: "What'll you have?" Consumer: "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars. The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sifting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again. The next day, the winner walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" "I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then." "Thank you. Make it a scotch."


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."


Three couples went to New York for a weekend but neglected to make hotel reservations. They were shocked to find only two rooms left in the entire area. Each room had only one bed. They took the rooms and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three men share the other. In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?" The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife." The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?" The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest boner I've ever had!" The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you." The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?" The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick."


A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."


A driver, parked in an illegal zone, tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual. "Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?" She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..." "What did you get?" he interrupted. "Tuna," she replied.


Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today and I missed on the very first word." "That's too bad, Son." consoled the Father. "What was the word?" "Posse." "Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, lunkhead. You can't even pronounce it correctly."


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