Wayne's World
Script - Dialogue Transcript
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Wayne's World
Script
Spend all day with us.
There are two - you heard me -
two of everything
in every Noah's Arcade.
That means two of Zantar,
Bay Wolf, Ninja Commando,
Snake-azon, Psycho Chopper...
It's good seeing you, Benjamin.
You haven't been to Shakey's
for so long.
Well, I've been real busy.
It's two for you cos one won't do.
All this week,
kids under six get every fifth...
There's a new pet.
Chia Pet, the pottery that grows...
..they are very fast.
..simple. Plug it in,
insert the plug from anything.
Simple.
..even for our customers
in Waukegan, Elgin and Aurora,
we'll be there right on time.
So call!
- All right! Excellent!
- Excellent.
OK. Extreme close-up!
- Excellent.
- Excellent extreme close-up.
Now it's Wayne's World's Totally
Amazing Excellent Discoveries.
Our guest is Ron Paxton.
Welcome to Wayne's World, Ron.
Thanks, Wayne.
Now, you're the inventor
of the Suck Kut, right?
What exactly is it?
The Suck Kut is a revolution
in home hair cutting.
Wow! What a totally amazing
excellent discovery.
Well, yes.
Fireworks!
Now, Ron, the question on everybody's
mind is, how does it work?
I'm prepared for
a complete demonstration.
OK, Garth, sit there. He's gonna
put that thing on your melon, OK?
Just a trim. Don't buzz me, OK?
So tell me, Ron.
Exactly how does the Suck Kut work?
Well, as you can see,
it sucks as it cuts.
It certainly does suck.
What are we looking at?
Wayne's World.
They do it from their basement.
- People watch this?
- Yeah, lots.
Turn it off, man! Turn it off!
It's sucking my will to live!
Oh, the humanity!
- You want to hand me the telephone?
- Sure.
Russell? It's Benjamin.
Are you watching TV?
Listen, could you turn it
to channel ?
I want you to find out who these guys
are and where they do their show.
I think we can sell it to Vanderhoff.
Take your Ritalin, OK?
- OK, you're in a forest.
- Forest?
With Heather Locklear.
- With Heather?
- And you're very warm. Very...
- ..warm?
- Warm.
- These guys are so funny.
- Oh, they're obviously brilliant.
Wow! What a totally amazing
excellent discovery...not!
Thanks, Ron.
OK, time's up for this week.
Until then, good night!
- Party on, Wayne.
- Party on, Garth.
And...we're clear!
- All right!
- Excellent!
- All right! Excellent!
- Excellent!
Let me bring you up to speed.
My name is Wayne Campbell.
I live in Aurora, Illinois,
which is a suburb of Chicago.
Excellent.
I've had plenty of joe jobs.
Nothing I'd call a career.
Let me put it this way...
I have an extensive collection
of name tags and hairnets.
OK, I still live with my parents,
which I admit is both bogus and sad,
but I've got an amazing
cable access show,
and I still know how to party.
But what I'd really love
is to do Wayne's World for a living.
It might happen.
Sh'yeah, and monkeys might
fly out of my butt.
Ah, the mirthmobile.
This is my best friend Garth Algar.
Hi.
I think a little Bohemian Rhapsody,
gentlemen.
Good call.
Whoa! It's Phil.
Phil, what are you doing here?
You're partied out, man...again.
- What if he honks in the car?
- I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.
Phil, um, if you're gonna spew,
spew into this.
- Garth, pull over.
- Oh, man! Come on!
Not again.
He does this every Friday.
Stop torturing yourself, man!
You'll never afford it!
Live in the now!
It will be mine.
Oh, yes... It will be mine.
Hey, Wayne's World!
Wayne's World! Party!
Excellent! Way to go!
Party on, Wayne!
Hey, Campbell. Uno momento, fellas.
Officer Koharski, how's it going?
Fine.
Say, I smell bacon.
Does anyone else smell bacon?
Yeah, I definitely smell
a pork product of some type.
Yeah, yeah. I know what you're doing.
Bacon, pig, oink-oink,
police officer.
I said that to cops
when I was your age.
Hey, what are you up to?
I just pulled over a tour bus
on its way to Chicago.
We had a tip there was some
drug smuggling going down.
We searched the vehicle.
It was clean,
so we did the body cavity searches.
- No way.
- Way!
I inspected inside and out.
OK, this guy needs coffee
and crullers stat!
We got to get him to rampart.
Let's go!
This is Stan Mikita's Donuts.
Excellent munch post.
This is the manager, Glen.
He's here hours a day.
I recommend the sugar pucks.
They're excellent. Come on.
I'd never done a crazy
thing in my life before that night.
Why is it if a man kills another
in battle it's called heroic,
yet in the heat of passion
it's called murder?
Hello! What do you think
you're doing?
Only me and Garth get
to talk to the camera. Come on.
I don't really have too much
to say right now.
What's that?
Hi, Mr Withers.
How's the amusement park?
Just great, Wayne.
Four coffees
and a half dozen crullers, please.
And one jelly donut.
There's your girlfriend, Garth.
Sh'yeah!
Excuse me. I fell.
Don't you guys ever get tired of
ordering the same thing?
No.
- Uh-oh. Don't look. Stacy.
- Where?
Oh, God. I made eye contact.
Psycho hose beast.
Happy anniversary, Wayne.
- Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
- It doesn't mean we can't go out.
Well, it does, actually.
That's what breaking up is.
You going to the Gasworks tonight?
- No!
- No!
Don't you wanna open your present?
If it's a severed head,
I'll be very upset.
- Open it.
- OK. OK.
- What is it?
- It's a gun rack.
A gun rack? A gun rack.
Sh'yeah, great.
I don't even own a gun,
let alone many guns
necessitating an entire rack.
What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
You don't like it? Fine.
Wayne, if you're not careful,
you're gonna lose me.
I lost you two months ago.
Are you mental? We broke up.
Get the net!
- Wayne!
- Hey!
How you doing? Garth!
Hey, Tiny, who's playing tonight?
Jolly Green Giants, Shitty Beatles.
The Shitty Beatles?
Are they any good?
- They suck.
- Then it's not just a clever name?
Who else?
Crucial Taunt, just finishing.
- I hear they can wail.
- You're right. Party on.
Party on.
This is the Gasworks,
an excellent heavy metal bar.
- Always a babefest.
- And they got a pool table, too.
Party! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- What?
- I'd like to get by now.
Get out of my face, you little dweeb.
Excuse me.
What do you want, you little dweeb?
Thank you.
She's a babe!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
All right.
I love this woman.
Hey, Raymond,
club soda with a lime, please.
And would you get me a towel?
- Boy, you really wail.
- Thanks.
You're that party time guy on TV.
Wayne, right?
Yes, and you are?
Cassandra.
Rough night, huh?
Everybody's kung fu fighting.
Yeah. Well, nice meeting you.
Hey, hold on!
Can I call you sometime?
For $ come to the rent party.
- It's at my loft.
- I'm there.
I gotta go. The owner's
trying to dick me out of some money.
See how many people I brought in?
That bass player's a babe.
She makes me feel kind of funny,
like when we used to climb the rope
in gym class.
You said I get cash up front.
She will be mine.
Oh, yes... She will be mine.
Pardon me.
Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Garth, sit there.
He's gonna put that on your melon.
OK, just a trim.
Don't buzz me, OK?
Russell, stop the tape.
So, what do you think?
I think it's two chimps
on a davenport in a basement.
I'm not sponsoring this.
I got spots on Love Boat, but this?
What is this?
Mr Vanderhoff, this is your audience.
The same kids that line up
at Noah's Arcade.
- It looks so cheesy.
- That's where I come in.
Russell's our best producer. He does
Chicago PM with Elaine Ronkey,
Sunshine Saturday,
The African American Digest.
- Never heard of that.
- It's on late.
It won several awards.
Well, I'll stick with Love Boat.
If I may, speaking
from a producer-director standpoint,
kids can relate to this show.
These guys aren't phonies.
Kids can spot phonies.
They're very smart.
Kids know dick.
I watch 'em in my arcades.
They stand like lab rats hitting
the feeder bar to get food pellets.
As long as they pump in quarters,
who gives a shit?
Let me ask you.
What's your single biggest problem
in the arcade business?
Well, uh, keeping the customer
informed of new product.
Like our new game called Zantar.
Zantar is a gelatinous cube
that eats warriors in a village.
If you eat a chieftain,
you go up a level.
Beauty is, you can't
get to the next level,
kids keep coughing up quarters.
Gelatinous cube eats village.
It's terrific.
I know nothing about video games.
I found that riveting.
- I do my own commercials.
- I did not know that.
I don't mention the games
because the technology moves
faster than the advertising.
I did not realise that.
Russell, did you?
No, I did not realise that.
So, Mr Vanderhoff, let me see
if I'm hearing you correctly.
Are you saying that if you had a
spot, say, on a weekly show,
you could come on the show
and update the kids
on what was new in your arcade?
Yeah, that's it.
- Well, I'm impressed.
- Wow!
Noah's Arcade presents Wayne's World.
I think that's brilliant.
Brilliant.
- Well, thank you.
- We'll get right to work on this.
We'll send the contracts over.
We'll be in touch.
Well... I'd like to think about this.
Oh, of course you would.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
- She'll validate you.
- Thank you.
He's in.
Stop it! You're scaring me.
Oh, cool. You're learning
Cassandra's language.
I've never seen you so mental
over a girl before.
Are you gonna marry her?
Marriage is punishment
for shoplifting in some countries.
- OK, you passed inspection.
- All right.
Just barely.
Uh, OK, that's $ . Wayne -
parts and labour.
- No way.
- Brutal.
- Oh, OK. There you go.
- All right, we got it.
- That's not enough.
- What?
- We got...that.
- That's good, but I need more.
- Oh, man! Why don't you use a gun?
- It's not my fault. Come on.
- I suppose it's society's fault?
- More.
- Cool.
- All right.
Well, here's an extra dollar.
You guys shoulda been
at Gasworks Friday.
- Yeah, we were.
- This band, Crucial Taunt,
they had this megababe
lead singer...unreal!
Phil, we were there.
Have you gone mental? Hello?
- I think we should go now.
- Here you go.
You think it's wise
to sell a show we don't own?
- By tonight, we will.
- Ah!
Excuse me. Do you know where
we could find Wayne Campbell?
- That's privileged information.
- Where do they broadcast from?
- Are you a friend or a relative?
- We're neither.
You know, Russell,
I may not have grown up around here,
but I understand these people.
This must be the place.
OK, we're just about
out of time, right?
But let's give
a Wayne's World salute
to the Guess? jeans girl,
Claudia Schiffer.
- Tent pole! She's a babe.
- She's magically babelicious.
She tested very high
on the strokability scale.
Are you through yet?
I'm getting tired of holding this.
Yeah, that's what she said.
OK, so Claudia Schiffer,
we salute you.
OK, that's all, good night.
- Party on, Wayne.
- Party on, Garth.
And...we're clear.
- OK. Excellent show, everyone.
- Excellent.
Great show. Wayne, Benjamin Kane.
Regional Programme Director,
Oliver Communications.
Russell Findley. We spoke today. Hi.
Maybe we can go somewhere
and get acquainted?
Russell, get to know the crew.
You know anywhere nice?
- Hi. Hi.
- See you guys later!
Let me get this out of the way...
- I'm a big fan.
- You are?
The way I see it,
your show's capable of so much more.
We'll try harder, OK?
Give us a second chance.
Don't cancel us
without a second chance.
Garth, come on, relax, all right?
Your pills?
He can't cancel us.
We're on public access.
Can I be honest?
My job, it's usually such a bore.
But the other day something
incredible happened.
- What happened?
- Noah Vanderhoff,
owner of the largest video arcade
chain in Chicago, is in my office.
He asks me, "What's with this
Wayne's World I hear so much about?"
Well, I have all your shows on tape.
Like I said, I'm a fan.
I put a show in.
He literally jumped out of his seat.
Cool!
He wants to sponsor the show,
put you on our station,
and pay you guys a huge salary.
He doesn't realise you're artists,
not interested in money.
- No, we're not interested in money.
- That's what I told him.
But he said, "Take two cheques anyway
so they know I'm serious."
I may be wasting my time,
but here I am with the contract
and two cashier's cheques
for $ each.
Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?
You're going to pay us
for doing Wayne's World?
Give me the word.
I'll tear up these cheques.
He shoots, he scores!
Well. Would you like
to look at the contracts?
- Yes.
- Do you have a lawyer?
Yes. Uh...no.
We're between lawyers right now.
Our first lawyer
screwed our affairs so badly.
That's right.
I walked right into that office,
I grabbed him by his big fat head,
and I said, "I'm not going to jail
for you or anybody!"
Exactly.
Can I peruse that contract
before we sign it?
Yes... Yes.
I like what you've done here.
Yes... Yes...
I dropped my pen.
I'm not so sure about...
Oh, I see. I see.
Hi. Um, does this seem weird?
Why does he have contracts?
Ever see the Twilight Zone
where the guy signed a contract
and they cut out his tongue
and it wouldn't die,
it grew and pulsated
and gave birth to baby tongues?
- Pretty cool, huh? I gotta go.
- Oh, I like this part.
Well, I feel we can work with you
on this project.
Well, you've made Mr Vanderhoff
a very happy man.
- To Wayne's World.
- To Wayne's World.
We got $ we got $
We got $ we got $ ...
Hey, Wayne. Check it out.
We got $ we got $
Party!
Great party, huh, guys?
Uh-oh. Stacy alert!
We've been spotted and we're being
pulled in by her tractor beam.
- I gotta go.
- We gotta go!
God, she's amazing.
Wayne, Wayne,
Garth told me about the show, man.
I love you, man.
Yeah, and I love you, too, Terry.
No, I mean it, man. I love you.
- No, I mean it. I love you.
- No, you don't, man.
Garth, come over here! I think
Terry has something to say to you.
I love you, man.
Thank you.
Your vocals are incredible.
Thanks.
You have a very interesting look.
Oh, I'm not trying to pick up on you.
Good thing.
No, I'm producing a TV show.
It's in Chicago. Very late night.
We need a music act. Here's my card.
Is there a number I can reach you at?
We got fliers at the door.
Hello.
- Hi. Wanna go somewhere and talk?
- Sure.
- What's going on in there?
- Just a minute!
We'd like to go to the bathroom,
please...in this century.
- How long you been waiting?
- Like, an hour now.
- Hi, Garth.
- Hi.
I'm looking for Wayne.
He seems to be going through
a difficult phase.
- You know what I think it is?
- That you're mental?
You know him best. What should I do?
Get over it.
Go out with somebody else.
Get over it.
Go out with somebody else.
Yeah, thanks. OK, great.
Hi.
So who's this guy Benjamin?
Only one of the most important
producers in TV.
He's way ahead of his time.
We've signed with him.
- He's based in Chicago.
- He's interested in the band.
Of course. I love your band.
You guys wail.
- Thanks.
- You kick ass. Double live gonzo!
Intensity in cities.
Live at Budokan.
If you got a break,
you could make it.
And if a frog had wings,
he wouldn't bump his ass hopping.
Interesting.
Where did you learn English?
College.
And the Police Academy movies.
Cassandra...
I've got something
I want to say to you.
Campbell, that's amazing!
You learned to say I look pretty
in Cantonese.
And you are a handsome man.
Slowly, I'm still learning.
I can't get over it, you're learning
Cantonese. Even your accent is good.
- Hi, Wayne!
- Hello, Stacy.
Here, sit right here.
- Who is that?
- My ex-girlfriend.
She has very nice legs,
but no self-esteem.
The irony is,
I feel partly responsible
for her self-nullifying behaviour.
You're allowing yourself
to be victimised.
Have you been
effectively assertive?
I've made a confident declaration
in defence of my rights,
but it does not seem to do any good.
If I help her
out of feelings of obligation,
I may find myself resenting her.
Besides, she's a psycho hose beast.
That is very funny. But labelling
people can be dangerous.
Was it Kierkegaard
or Dick Van Patten who said,
"If you label me, you negate me?"
- You make me laugh.
- Can I call you?
Any time.
Excellent.
Look out!
Sometimes I wish I could boldly go
where no man's gone before.
But I'll probably stay in Aurora.
- What are you thinking about?
- Cassandra.
She's a fox.
In France, she'd be called la renard.
Hunted, with only her cunning
to protect her.
- She's a babe.
- She's a robo babe.
In Latin, she'd be called
Babia Majora.
If she were a president,
she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.
Did you find Bugs Bunny attractive
in a dress playing a girl bunny?
No.
No.
Neither did I. I was just asking.
OK. OK. Keep looking up!
OK.
Guys, I will be talking
to the cameramen on the headset.
Terry will give you hand cues.
Excuse me, Russell, but I believe
I requested the hand job.
Let's go on.
The cue is - watch carefully...
Five, four, three...
You didn't say two or one.
- You don't say two or one.
- Why not?
You just don't, OK? Now, it goes...
Five, four, three...
- Good! OK, good.
- Ow! All right!
Now, we're ready for rehearsal,
unless there are questions.
Yeah... Does this
seem weird to anybody else?
I mean, we're looking down
on Wayne's basement,
only that's not Wayne's basement.
Isn't that weird?
- That's twisted.
- That's weird, man.
Garth, that was a haiku.
- Control room.
- Russell.
- Hello, Benjamin.
- Finishing with the Vanderhoffs.
They'd like to visit rehearsal,
see we're not wasting their money.
Not...a good idea, sir.
Great!
Come in. Your landing gear is down.
- Just...put that down.
- Ow.
Just go away, guys. Go to the set.
Hey, hey, hey!
- He's excited you'll see the studio.
- Oh, the studio.
- That's where the magic happens.
- You work in TV?
- No, but I watch a lot.
- Of course you do. You're creative.
She came up with the name
Noah's Arcade.
I just opened my mouth
and out it came.
You're a lucky man, Mr Vanderhoff.
All right, can we bring in
the blue screen? Let's try one.
Ready to cue Wayne and Garth, and go.
- OK.
- In five, four, three...
Good, Terry.
Uh, Wayne, Garth, don't count along.
We see your mouths moving. Again.
In five, four, three...
Guys? You're nodding.
Once again, Terry.
In five, four, three, two...
Welcome to Wayne's World.
- Party on, Garth.
- Party on, Wayne.
A new feature on Wayne's World
allows us to travel
through time and space.
It's called chromakey,
and it's handy for going to...
New York.
- Hey, we're in New York!
- I got a gun. Let's hit Broadway.
- I guess kids get this?
- Oh, they love it.
Or maybe you prefer Hawaii.
Mookalakaheeki. Come on, you wanna
lei me. Pass the poi, Mahalo.
Or say you want to go to Texas.
Howdy, partners.
Let's raise and rope broncos.
- Let's go down.
- Howdy, y'all.
Or imagine being magically
whisked away to...
Delaware.
Hi. I'm in Delaware.
Noah and Mimi Vanderhoff, say hello
to Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar.
- Pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
So, Garth, how do you like
being in a real studio?
It's like a new pair of underwear.
At first it's constrictive,
but after a while,
it becomes a part of you.
- I gotta go.
- OK. OK.
No, no, no. Please.
Wayne, I used to be in meat packing.
Lips and hooves.
One day, I had a four-hour layover
in Tulsa.
These airport kids kept pumping
quarters into a game called Pong.
They must've blown bucks.
I sat there watching and I said,
"Hell, I'm in the wrong business."
years later, I'm a millionaire.
- It's so huge!
- Thanks.
- Do I frighten you?
- No.
Do you want me to?
- Noah, I love you on that couch.
- You think?
Noah does all his own commercials.
Yeah, I got a new one where I rap.
Come bust a move
where the games are played
It's chill, it's fresh,
it's Noah's Arcade
What do you think of that?
I'd have to say...
- Asphinctersezwhat?
- What?
- A sphincter says what?
- What?
Exactly.
We've got a lunch.
- That's what I think of it.
- OK.
Well, it's been a pleasure.
May I say I've had a thrilling day.
- You may.
- Shall we?
And may I say your wife's a babe.
- Thank you.
- We have a table.
What is it, girl?
Aliens have kidnapped Wayne?
Oh, I misunderstood.
Wayne's outside. Thanks, girl.
OK! Game on!
- Game on!
- Game on!
He shoots, he scores!
- One for one!
- Crowd is going wild!
Car!
- Game on!
- Game on!
- OK.
- Let's go.
Worseley cuts down the angle.
- Gretzky shoots!
- Oh, Gretzky is denied!
Choked in the open net.
- Wayne?
- Yeah?
Do you feel Benjamin's not one of us?
Good call. It's as if Benjamin
wants us to be liked by everyone.
Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes
everyone liked.
They left that to the Bee Gees.
Car!
- Game on!
- Game on!
Uh-oh. Incoming. Stacy, ten o'clock.
Hi, Wayne.
Hi.
Hey, are you all right?
And she's OK!
- Game on!
- Yeah, game on!
You know, Garth, you and I
have never really talked.
OK.
You know, I love
what you do on the show.
I look at you
and I just laugh and laugh.
Uh-huh.
Let me run this by you
because you're...a sharp guy.
I'm thinking about giving Vanderhoff
a weekly interview.
How would you feel
about making a change?
We fear change.
Cassandra, I have to say it,
you look excellent.
Thanks. I've been so busy
with my band,
I thought I was getting meningitis.
I thought I had mono
for an entire year.
Turned out I was just really bored.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry. It's the last song
I heard this morning.
I hate when that happens.
I'm gonna put on some tunes.
- When did you get the CD player?
- When we got the money.
There it is...Excalibur.
' Fender Stratocaster with triple
single coil pickups and a whammy bar.
Pre-CBS Fender corporate buy-out.
I'd raise the bridge and
take the buzz out of the low E.
God, I love this woman.
- Hi, Garth.
- Hi.
Where's the clerk?
I know. I'll use
the "may I help you" riff.
May I help you?
Yes, my good man.
I'd like to see this
Fender Stratocaster.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
- Again?
- Yes.
Be careful.
No Stairway. Denied!
.
.
.
.
Wow. You're...amazing, dude.
Thanks. I like to play.
Excuse me. Wayne?
Can I put
the Fender back now, please?
Not today, my good man.
I'm feeling saucy.
I think I'm gonna buy it.
Do you accept...cash? Cha-ching.
Have you spoken to Wayne
about the Vanderhoff spot?
Yes. Briefly.
He was not very receptive.
Oh, really?
Well, I'll explain
that it's in his contract.
Oh. Well, Wayne will understand
that right away.
Not!
Excuse me.
I mean, there's two Darrin Stevens,
Dick York, Dick Sargent.
Sh'yeah! Right!
As if we wouldn't notice.
Well, hold on.
Dick York, Dick Sargent,
Sergeant York. Wow, that's weird.
Wayne. Listen, we need to have
a talk about Vanderhoff.
The fact is, he's the sponsor.
You signed a contract
guaranteeing him concessions,
like a spot on the show.
That's where I see things
differently.
Contract or no,
I will not bow to any sponsor.
I'm sorry you feel that way,
but it's the nature of the beast.
Maybe I'm wrong on this one,
but for me, the beast
doesn't include selling out.
Garth, you know what I mean, right?
It's like people only do things
because they get paid,
and that's just really sad.
I can't talk about it any more.
It's giving me a headache.
Here. Take two of these.
Ah, Nuprin.
Little. Yellow. Different.
Look, you can stay here in the
big leagues and play by the rules
or go back to the farm club
in Aurora, your choice.
Yes. And it's the choice
of a new generation.
- Anything wrong, Davy?
- Yeah. I got paid today.
Oh, yeah, I know what that's like.
No. You don't understand.
They laid me off.
- I got one of these.
- Yeah. I know how that feels.
Know what I'd like to do?
Yeah, I know what you'd like to do.
Find the guy that did it,
rip his still-beating heart out,
and hold it in his face so he can
see how black it is before he dies.
Actually, I was gonna
file a grievance with the union.
Well, the world's a twisted place.
- Hi.
- How's it going, Garth?
Good.
Hey. There she is.
I must've slipped.
Wayne, what do you do if every time
you see this one incredible woman,
you think you're gonna hurl?
I say hurl. If you blow chunks
and she comes back, she's yours.
If you spew and she bolts,
it was never meant to be.
Oh, I'm not ready yet.
I gotta be comfortable with me first.
Why don't you talk to her?
Why don't you just go talk to her?
Go talk to her? Go talk to her?
Garth?
Camera one, camera two.
Camera one, camera two.
Don't.
Tell me,
when that first show is over,
will you still love me when
I'm an incredibly humongoid star?
Yeah.
And in my
hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Yeah.
And in my sequin-jumpsuit,
young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties,
waking-up-in-a-pool-of-vomit,
bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet
phase?
- Yeah.
- OK. Party. Bonus.
Yeah? Oh, hi, Anthony.
- Who's Anthony? Who's Anthony?
- My drummer.
OK.
You what?
No, I told you next week
we'll be doing a music video.
Do you mind? This is business.
Hey, you wanna be a busboy
the rest of your life?
Well, then, talk to your boss.
Look, this guy Benjamin's putting up
serious money for this. Yeah.
Happy birthday
Mr President
Happy birthday
To you
Work it out, OK? Just...
No, just be there.
OK, bye.
You asshole!
Excellent.
Hey. All right.
Glad you could make it.
Yes!
- Cool.
- Yes.
This is definitely what I'm gonna get
when I move out of my parents' house.
- Oh, you have a terrace!
- Yeah. Go on out.
I'll get the Dom Perignon.
What floor is this?
Um...the rd.
You know, Cassandra...
from this height...
you could really
hawk a lugie on someone.
You know, I feel so free up here!
Costs a lot to live this free.
This might be a tangent
but it's something
I've been thinking about...
Hi.
If Cassandra was my girl,
I wouldn't bring her here.
I mean, look at this place.
This is a fully functional babe lair.
Chicks are helpless
against its powers.
Let's check it out.
I don't believe
I've had French champagne.
Actually, all champagne is French,
after the region.
Otherwise, it's sparkling white wine.
Americans ignore the convention,
so they call their sparkling
whites champagne, though they're not.
Ah, yes. It's a lot like
Star Trek: The Next Generation.
It's often superior, but will never
be as recognised as the original.
Aha. What's this?
"How To Pick Up Chicks".
"How To Meet Women". He's smooth.
"Daily reminder...Thursday.
"Purchase feeble public access cable
show and exploit it."
Whoa. I feel sorry
for whoever that is.
Let's look over here.
"Ribbed for her pleasure."
Well, the show looks great.
Mr Vanderhoff's excited.
I'm very excited.
I think the show's gonna be a
huge hit all over the Chicago area.
For you and Garth -
tickets to Alice Cooper
tomorrow night in Milwaukee.
Backstage passes!
All-access backstage
with Alice Cooper?
- Thank you.
- Take the day off. Enjoy yourselves.
What about Cassandra?
She and I have work to do.
- Here's to your success.
- No. Here's to Benjamin.
Who wants Chinese takeout?
I know a great place.
I'll have the cream of sum yung guy.
Cassandra, why don't you order?
No. I'm sure whatever you order
will be fine.
Oh, OK.
This guy is good.
Picked up a little Cantonese
in the Orient.
You sound more like Kowloon Bay
than Hong Kong.
I was born in Kowloon Bay.
There you have it.
This guy's really good.
Sounds great!
- Thanks.
- You got a minute?
Sure. Hey, you guys, hang out.
I came by to drop off
the contract for the video.
Oh, great. I never really got a
chance to say thank you.
- You've been very generous.
- It's been my pleasure.
Listen, if you're done, we could
spend the afternoon together.
We should be close
to Milwaukee by now.
- Look! There's Shotz brewery!
- Cool!
Hey, wait a minute.
What are we doin'?
Yeah! We got backstage passes
for Alice Cooper!
Do you want to go backstage?
Yeah. Let's go back now
and beat the crowd.
Where you going?
Got a pass.
Uh-oh. I think we took a wrong turn,
cos we're outside now.
Whoa! Look!
Is this Alice's limo?
It belongs to Frank Sharp,
head of Sharp Records.
Good friend of Alice's.
Wow. That's, like, way bigger
than a normal size car.
Well, it has to be.
He drives everywhere.
Hates to fly. He's going across
the country right now
to look for new acts
to sign to his label.
Next stop is St Louis.
Then he'll come back through Chicago
on his way to Detroit.
Thanks.
For a security guard, he had an awful
lot of information, don't you think?
Thank you, Milwaukee!
Whoa, whoa, ladies.
I'm sorry. No...
Oh, you got pass...
All right. Come on.
- Let us through, please!
- Can't let you in.
Alice. Is this cool?
Yeah. Come on in.
Sorry to bother you,
but we had to tell you
how much we enjoyed the show.
Didn't we, Garth?
Oh. Thanks.
We're not mental or anything,
so don't be afraid.
My name is Wayne and this is Garth.
Nice to meet you guys.
So do you...come to Milwaukee often?
Well, I'm a regular visitor,
but Milwaukee has certainly
had its share of visitors.
French missionaries and explorers
came in the late s
to trade with the Native Americans.
- Isn't Milwaukee an Indian name?
- Yes, Pete, it is.
Actually, it's pronounced
mee-lee-wah-kay,
Algonquin for "the good land".
I was not aware of that.
One of its most
interesting aspects is that
it's the only major American city to
have elected three socialist mayors.
Does this guy know how to party
or what?
OK. Well, we gotta get going.
No, stick around. Hang out with us.
Cool. Yeah, we'll stay and
hang around with you, us...
with Alice Cooper.
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
We're not worthy!
We're scum! We suck!
Our first big show
and we almost didn't make it.
I really hope
Cassandra's watching.
The couch works perfect. Hey.
- How's it going?
- Tonight's the night.
A lot of people in the Chicagoland
area will be watching the show.
You know what?
I know it's gonna be a hit.
I'll be in the booth.
Mr Vanderhoff is your first guest.
Oh, hi, boys.
What the hell is this?
Can we fly in the sign, please?
That's it. Bring her down.
Don't tense up. You'll be great.
Garth, have you got a second?
Simply read the cards.
You're going to be wonderful. Really.
OK?
Oh, Russell,
can I borrow your marker?
I, uh...need to make some notes.
Sure.
Good luck.
My guys. You're my guys!
Your name is pronounced Algar, right?
OK. Wayne!
- He'll be fine.
- Good.
This is it, honey.
In five, four, three...
Wayne's World is
brought to you by Noah's Arcade.
Party on, Wayne.
It's Friday. It's : .
It's time to party with
your excellent host Wayne Campbell,
and with him, as always, Garth.
Party on, Wayne, and party on, Garth.
OK. Welcome to Wayne's World.
- Party on, Garth.
- I guess.
OK. OK, first of all,
we'd like to take a moment
to welcome our sponsor.
He's the owner of a fine chain
of Noah's Arcades...
Noah Vanderhoff. Nice name...not!
Now, uh, Mr Vanderhoff...
He's using the cards. Yes!
I told you he'd fall in line.
What is your most popular video game
right now?
Desert Storm Commando Warriors.
About that limited skirmish
in the Middle East?
Yes.
What the hell's he doing?
Aren't there long lines
for the popular games?
Well, at Noah's arcade,
we like to say
there's two of everything,
so there's never a line.
OK. Now, Noah,
I've always wanted to know...
what is the difference between
Pac-Man and Ms Pac-Man, really?
Well, she has a bow on her head.
That's it?
- Get right out of town.
- No, that's it.
Thanks for being on Wayne's World.
It was informative and stimulating.
Now a word from our sponsor.
We're at commercial.
Oh, that was fun.
- I'll see you next week.
- I hope.
Wayne, come to the booth, please?
Oh, honey, you were incredible.
I think it went really well.
Absolutely. There was a huge response
in that little room.
Those phrases were not on the cards
when I gave them to him.
Wayne. What the hell is going on?
- What are you doing?
- Same thing we always do.
You've publicly
humiliated the sponsor.
- Yeah.
- You're fired.
Fired? For that?
Sh'yeah! Right!
I'm out of here,
and I'm taking my show with me.
- We own the show.
- Aw, bite me.
OK.
- Are we back?
- Stand by.
- Coming back?
- And go.
Five, four, three...
I'm having a good time...not.
Ever see Scanners
when that dude's head blew up?
- Hello?
- Hello.
It's Benjamin.
Oh, hi.
Listen, did you see the show tonight?
I was working, so I only saw the
first part, but I laughed my ass off.
We had some technical difficulties
and we're playing with the format.
Has Wayne talked to you?
About what?
Why? Are you cancelling my video?
No, I called
to make sure we're still on.
Well, we got a deal, right?
Absolutely. I'll see you in Chicago.
OK. Bye.
You really pissed me off tonight.
Garth, you've never been mad
at anything in your life.
You shouldn't have walked out.
I handled it OK,
but you shouldn't walk out on your
friend without telling him first.
So I have to
run everything by you now?
Yeah, you have to
run everything by me now.
What am I, a chimp?
"With you, as always, is Garth?"
Jim to your Marlin Perkins?
You know, Benjamin had you so snowed.
You know, he's got it for Cassandra.
- No way.
- Way.
Sh'yeah! Cassandra's
not interested. As if.
OK, pop quiz. Cassandra is
not interested in Benjamin because
A: chicks think he's handsome,
B: has cool car,
C: has lots of cash,
D: has no visible scars,
E: does not live with parents.
OK, how about F: you're a gimp.
Know what you can do with your quiz?
Know what you can do with your show?
You can take a flying...
..until the handle breaks off
and you have to find a doctor
to pull it out again.
Kiss your mother with that mouth?
You've gone mental.
I'm getting out of here, Damien.
- Fine, then. Go.
- I'm gone.
- Go, then.
- I am.
- Go.
- I'm gone.
- Go, then.
- I am.
Where you been? I waited up for you
last night, and you never showed.
- Where are you going?
- Chicago.
Benjamin set up the video shoot
for three days.
I guess Benjamin will be there, too.
He's producing it.
And what does that mean?
He's been paying you
a lot of attention lately.
Well, maybe he thinks
I've got some talent.
- Maybe he's pokin' ya.
- What?
You think that's the way I get a gig?
Well, first he screws me, then you.
It's Dutch door action.
Could you be any more insulting?
Yeah.
I think you'd better leave.
Fine. I'm outta here.
Oh, man.
What the hell's going on?
I lost my show, I lost my
best friend, I lost my girl.
I'm being shit on,
that's all, shit on.
And do you know
what really pisses me off?
Where are you going?
OK, OK, come on back. Come on back.
Things aren't as bad as they seem.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to dump on you.
I'll figure something out. OK?
Mr Donuthead,
who's trying to kill you?
I don't know but they better not.
If you stab a man in winter,
steam will rise up from the wounds.
That's not good!
I'm not happy! Oh, no!
Indians believed it was his soul
escaping from his body.
Right, Glen.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry about what I did.
Buds?
Buds.
Officer Koharski.
Damn shame how they screwed up
your show. Nice little programme.
Not that I ever watched it.
Here you go.
- So, uh, how you doing?
- 'K, s'pose.
Just wish I had Cassandra back.
She's in Chicago
shooting a video with Benjamin.
So...
- what are you going to do?
- I don't know.
I do have one plan.
What are you gonna do
with these guys?
Oh, nothing, really.
I always wanted to open a door
to a room of people being trained
like in James Bond movies.
- Wicked.
- Yeah.
I think you should
just go get Cassandra.
I just don't think she wants me to.
Let me tell you a little something
I've learned about women.
They want you to come get them.
They love it.
I wish there was something
I could offer that Benjamin couldn't.
You'll think of something.
Wait a minute!
No.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! I know!
The guy in the limo, Mr Big,
the guy who owns Sharp Records.
If we could just get him to listen
to Cassandra play.
Halt. Halt.
Remember the security guard?
He said Mr Sharp was driving back
through Chicago on Friday.
That's right. Wow.
Aren't we lucky we were there
to get that information?
It seemed extraneous at the time.
OK, first I'll access the
secret military spy satellite
in its geosynchronous orbit
over the Midwest.
Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity
plate "MR BIGGG".
Yes.
Then I'll reposition the
transmitter dish in the truck
to . degrees east,
hit Westar over the Atlantic,
bounce the signal down into
the Azores, up to Comsat
beam it back to Satcom
transponder
and down to the dish
of Mr Big's limo.
It's almost too easy.
We can only pray he's watching TV
in his limo at that exact moment.
- We'll need help.
- We'll help!
You get Cassandra! We'll do the rest!
To the mirthmobile!
OK, this is a take, everybody.
I think the snake fell asleep!
Playback!
Looking good!
- This snake weighs a ton.
- It looks great on you.
- I'm coming down now.
- I'm telling you, you're hot!
Yes, officer? Is something wrong?
Have you seen this boy?
You know, you're exactly right.
Why leave the hotel?
We'll have dinner sent up,
you can have a hot bath.
Hold this.
- We have to talk.
- I don't want to talk to you.
I've set up an audition
for your band.
My show is back.
You've got to be on it.
- Wayne, go home.
- No, I'm not going anywhere.
Cassandra, I love you.
You may not believe it,
but I love you.
Am I supposed to just
turn my back and leave?
Am I supposed to be a man?
Am I supposed to say,
"That's OK, I don't mind.
"I don't mind."
Well, I mind! I mind big time!
And you know what
the worst part of all is?
I never learned to read.
Is that true?
Yes. Everything except
the reading part.
Nice speech but we're busy.
Oh, of course.
Her music video. Very clever.
But where is her band?
Hi, Wayne.
Oh, hi, guys.
I didn't see you there.
Well, I guess you've thought
of everything, huh?
Nothing left for me to do
but just go home.
Bye-bye, Wayne. It's bedtime.
But both you and I know
that there is no film in this camera.
Jimmy!
Wayne...go home!
Sometimes people outgrow one another.
It's very sad
but you can't let it drag you down.
Is that you...or the snake?
Campbell, wait up!
Cassandra, I know I don't have
his looks, I don't have his money,
I don't have his connections,
his knowledge of fine wines,
when I eat I get
this clicking in my jaw...
Shut your yap and get in the car.
Excellent.
That's right, girl. Mr Big's limo
is right where we want it.
Gentlemen, this is it. Let's go.
Down now!
Wait up, guys. I fell on my keys.
- Freeze!
- Oh, hi, Russell. How's it going?
- Hold it! Hey! Hey!
- Watch where you're pointing that.
Give me the flashlight, Russell.
Give it to me.
You can help us, Russell.
No! I'm supposed to stop you.
What are you gonna do?
You gonna be Benjamin's monkey boy
all your life?
- Benjamin's my friend.
- No.
Benjamin is no one's friend.
If Benjamin were
an ice cream flavour,
he'd be pralines and dick.
It's OK!
He's gonna be...OK.
Hi.
Hi. How's it going?
- I love you, man.
- I know.
No, you don't.
I...love you, man.
I know.
Just say thank you.
Thank you. All right.
I understand you're doing your job,
but I'm very late.
Would you mind placing your hands
on the hood, son?
There's just one other thing
I've got to check.
OK, this is a special
Wayne's World, OK?
It's for an audience of one.
So Mr Frankie Sharp of Sharp Records,
if you like what you see,
we're at Pine Way
in Aurora, Illinois.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Cassandra
and Crucial Taunt!
Hi. I'm Frankie Sharp.
I saw your performance in my limo.
I've seen a lot of acts in my day,
and although you're very beautiful,
I just think it's the wrong time.
I'm sorry.
You screwed my career!
I always knew you were small-time.
Wayne, I'm pregnant.
That's why I've been so moody.
Whoa! Look! Fire!
Let's get out of here!
Why, God?
Why?
Last night was the most
incredible night of my life.
You were terrific.
You didn't really think
she'd end up with Wayne, did you?
As if.
As if we'd end the movie
like that. Sh'yeah!
- The Scooby-Doo ending!
- Good call.
Hi. Frankie Sharp.
I saw your performance in my limo.
Wow! We got through!
Well, that wraps it up,
but there's one last thing.
Let's just see who
you really are, mister.
Old man Withers
from the haunted amusement park!
I woulda got away with it, too,
if not for you snooping kids!
- Good one, Shaggy.
- Excellent Scooby-Doo ending.
- We should do the megahappy ending.
- That's doable.
Hi. I'm Frankie Sharp.
I saw your performance in my limo.
I must tell you, it was terrific.
In fact, I think it's so good,
I'm gonna give you a six-album deal.
See you in my office.
- I love you, Wayne.
- I love you, Cassandra.
- I love you, Garth.
- I love you, dreamwoman.
Ever since I did your show,
kids look at me in a whole new way.
- I love you, man.
- And I love you.
Because I've learned that platonic
love can exist between two grown men.
And I've learned something, too.
I've learned that
a flawless profile, a perfect body,
the right clothes and a great car
can get you far in America,
almost to the top,
but it can't get you everything.
Isn't it great
that we're all better people?
Fished in! Fished in!
Excellent movie. All right.
Good one.
Well, that's all the time
for our movie.
We hope you found it entertaining,
whimsical yet relevant,
with an underlying
revisionist conceit
that belied its emotional attachments
to the subject matter.
I just hope you didn't think
it sucked.
OK. Thank you for coming.
Good night and party on.
- Party on, Wayne.
- Party on, Garth.
You know, I don't think anyone's
gonna tell us when to leave.
Yeah. Good call, Garth.
I'll bet we're just gonna sit here,
and when they're finished,
they'll fade to black.
I can't believe they did that.
I told ya.
Special help by SergeiK
