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THE TWO NEWEST JOKES (posted 10-26-2000)
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When George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe versus Wade was, he said he thought it was the decision that General George Washington needed to make when he planned to cross the Delaware.
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly
happy." After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on
that bridge?
NOT QUITE THE NEWEST JOKE (posted 11-23-99)
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One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo.
They searched for him everywhere, in every
borough. They announced his disappearance
on the radio and television as well as the
newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public
Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal
handlers were summoned to the library. They
found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room
with two books spread out in front of him. The ape
was reading with great concentration. One book
was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was
doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out
whether I am my brother's keeper or whether
I am my keeper's brother."
PREVIOUS JOKES, BY CATEGORY
JOKES ABOUT DRUNKEN IDIOTS
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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean
REALLY, REALLY drunk. When the bar finally closed he got up and
staggered outside to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he spotted a nun walking towards him on the
sidewalk. So he lurched over to the nun and punched her on the nose.
Needless to say, the nun was really suprised but before she could do
or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down. The drunk stumbled over to her and kicked
her in the butt, then picked her up and threw her up against the wall.
Then he put his face right next to hers and said....
"Not feeling very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
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A drunk phoned police to report that
thieves had been in his car. "They've
stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator,"
he cried out.
However, before the police investigation
could start, the phone rang a second time,
and the same voice came over the line,
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got
in the back seat by mistake!"
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JOKES ABOUT SUITORS
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Father: "I spent $45,000 on my daughter's education, and you want
to marry her on your income of $14,000 a year???"
Suitor: "Well... look at it this way 'Dad' --
that's over a 30% annual return on your
investment."
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Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
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HOMERISMS
From the mouth of Homer J. Simpson in "The Simpsons":
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"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys,
and kids with fake IDs."
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"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
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"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your
life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
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"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!
Except the weasel."
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"If you really want something in life you have to work for
it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery
numbers."
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"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"
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"I want to share something with you - the three sentences
that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was
like that when I got here.'"
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"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as
Yoda."
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"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my
specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population:
you.'"
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"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
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"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just
go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the
American way."
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"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from
that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you
think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For
fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
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"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without
adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
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JOKES ABOUT SHOULDER HOLSTERS
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Placing a pistol in a shoulder holster with your finger on the
trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
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BLONDE JOKES
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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the
blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the
road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an
accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the
right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher to her
class. Little Mary, a blonde child, wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the Mary aside to correct her. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young girl confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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GREAT QUOTES
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"There are only two reasons to sit in the back
row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea,
or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Rich
Jeni
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"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got
stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a
tightrope walker." - Emo Philips
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"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips
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"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what
an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green
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"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the
mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm
more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves."
- Emo Philips
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"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm
about to be devoured by a Great White or if a
piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James
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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni
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LAWYER JOKES
Things that sound Dirty in Law
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He is one hard judge.
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
4. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on.
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good.
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
10. Think you can get me off?
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Two attorneys went into a restaurant and ordered drinks. Then they pulled
sandwiches out of their briefcases and started eating. The manager came over and angrily said, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged, exchanged sandwiches, and continued eating.
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STAR WARS JOKES
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Q. What was the name of Darth Vader's first wife?
A. Ella
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Lines from Star Wars that sound better with the word "pants":
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
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MISCELLANEOUS JOKES
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Q: What do you give to the man who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
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If cars crashed as much as computers............
.............life would be full of hard drives.
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Q. Did you hear about the guy who tried to play dodgeball in the library?
They threw the book at him.
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LDS JOKES
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Q: Have you heard why all the pictures of Book of Mormon prophets always
depict them with large arms?
A: It's from scripture chasing with the brass plates.
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A large family drove through Utah and really got into Book of Mormon
culture. They didn't just drive through Manti, Jordon, Lehi, and Bountiful. One brother called his sister Amoron (a moron) and
they all had Nephites (knee fights) in the car.
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Our three year old daughter was participating in a family scripture study,
during which each of us quoted a scripture in turn. When her turn came, she
enthusiastically said "Adam fell that men might be..." Then she paused with
a puzzled look on her face and asked, "Who pushed him?"
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Q. What kind of pet did Lehi have?
A: A flea. The Lord told him to flea into the wilderness.
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During the Vietnam War, a group of soldiers were ambushed. Fire was
exchanged and during it all, a young LDS soldier was hit in the chest. The others had
no choice but to retreat, leaving their friend's body in the tall grass. Later
that night, back at the camp, they saw a figure moving towards them. One of the
soldiers yelled out, "Who goes there?" Out of the shadows stumbled the LDS soldier. The group
stood in disbelief, wanting to know how he survived. The LDS
soldier reached into his jacket and pulled out a pocket
version Book of Mormon with a bullet lodged in it. Holding it high in the
air he exclaimed, "Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets through Second Nephi!"
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Q: What is Laman and Lemuel's favorite TV show?
A: "Diagnosis: Murmur"
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A small boy paid a few pennies in tithing to his bishop. The bishop thanked him and then
the boy handed the bishop a few more pennies and said, "This is for you, Bishop." "What's this for?" asked
the surprised bishop. The boy innocently replied, "My mom says you're the poorest bishop
we've ever had."
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Q. Of all the people in the Bible, who had the most fun?
A: Jonah. He had a whale of a good time.
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