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Late Night Ramblings
~Or~
Creative ways to avoid reading Wuthering Heights
By Robin

Author’s Note: I didn’t so much write this one as transcribe it. It was, like it says, late one night the day after I saw one of my favorite movies for the first time and a bunch of characters were just floating around making mischief. Consider yourself warned.

“Um, excuse me. Guys? We need to… Guys. WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE LOUSY MINUTE?!”
The elegant bird lost her temper fairly easily, but this time it was rather justifiable. She had spent the last 40 minutes trying to get the group of seemingly arbitrarily chosen characters from several not-so-popular movies and shows to quiet down enough that she might start the meeting.
“Jeeze. Who made her queen of the world?” a cartoon caricature of Ken Miller muttered out of the corner of his mouth.
“For your information, Jesus, (1) Robin did. After all, this is her little fantasy world. In fact, that’s why I called you all here tonight. She has requested that we hold a meeting in order to discuss her lack of inspiration as of late.”
“But, why were we chosen?” Observer inquired. “I mean, of course I know, but I think it would be only fair to let everyone else in on the secret.”
“Observer – always thinking of others…”
“Yeah, why’d she pick me? I always thought Megavolt was her favorite.”
Much mumbling ensued. An attentive listener might have heard “Servo” “Jodie” “Neal” as well as two almost identical “Well, no, I guess it would be me., wouldn’t it?”s.
“Actually, Gosalyn, dear, she chose you because she admires your youth and spirit. Besides, Megs wouldn’t be much help in his current condition, now would he?”
“I guess dad really put him out for a while, didn’t he?” Gosalyn admitted, blushing.
“Observer, you were selected because Robin relates to your situation. The whole ‘stuck in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of idiots’ bit. Daria, you won out over Jodie due to your superior writing skills. Ken, while I would have chosen Lindsay or Sam, your sound judgment in dealing with Nick’s song earned you the position of Freaks and Geeks ambassador. As for you two scumbags,” the ibis continued, glaring severely, first at the handsome Spaniard, then at the greasy, mustachioed figure in the far corner of the room, “she thought it would be humorous to see the both of you together. I tried to convince her that locking me in a room with either of you was dangerous, much less both. But did she listen? Noooooo.”
The afore mentioned men looked at each other and the former jumped, startled.
“Wh..wh…when did you get here?”
“Last night. Is there a problem?”
“Yes, there’s a problem!” At this, he began pacing the room and talking to himself. “I never imagined she’d be bringing you here! How could this happen? She doesn’t even like live action!”
“Hey!” Observer said, offended, as Ken simply glared.
“What am I going to do? Ugh, what am I going to do?” Tulio raged on, pounding the palm of his hand into his forehead. He abruptly stopped, thrusting his finger triumphantly in the air. “A ha! I’ve got it!”
He spun around just in time to see the other man preparing to introduce a lead pipe to the back of his head.
“Aaahh!”
Daria looked up from her book long enough to peer around the couch she was occupying, behind which the conman had just relocated himself.
“I’ll have to remember that one.”
“I think someone needs to work on their people skills.” Observer taunted.
“Hey, guys. What’s going on?”
“Hi, Jake!” (2)
“Hey.”
“Salutations.”
Tulio sort of squeaked from behind the couch as Ken tilted his head back in greeting.
“You’re late.”
“Nice to see you, too, Seshie. Figuratively speaking, of course.”
“Hello. Jack, was it? I don’t believe we’ve met.”
“Jake, actually. And y… Oh, no, Tulio. I’m not falling for another of your tricks.”
“Tulio? Who’s Tulio?”
“Ha ha. Very funny. I may be blind, but I'm not deaf.”
“I’m Tulio,” he answered, raising his hand from behind the couch.
“That’s pretty good. Maybe you could teach me how to throw my voice someday, eh buddy?” He reached up to pat Tulio on the shoulder. A puzzled look came across his countenance as his hand met, instead of the vest that should have been there, a dingy leather jacket.
“Otto West.”
The look remained.
“A Fish Called Wanda.”
“Oh. The stupid one.” Jake said, grinning.
Otto’s face clouded over.
“Don’t EVER call me stupid.”
“Yes, I believe ‘moronic’ is a more appropriate adjective.”
Observer snickered at Daria’s jest.
“What was your name again?” Ken asked, looking rather impressed.
“You may call me ‘Batman’.”
His smirk broke into a full-scale half-mouthed-Ken-Miller-smile. Meanwhile, after much confusion, the Otto, Tulio, Jake problem was ironed out. At the front of the room, Sesheta had long since put her head in her hands and was shaking it back and forth in a most disgusted manner, muttering “Why me? Why me?”. Gosalyn had succeeded in destroying almost everything in the room.
“Ow!”
“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry, Sesheta. Are you alright?”
“Yes, Gos, I’m fine,” she assured her, rubbing the large bump on her forehead from where the makeshift hockey puck had hit its target. “But I’m not going to be when Robin finds out that we haven’t gotten ANYTHING done yet.”
“Don’t you think there’s any way to remedy that problem?”
“I suppose,” she sighed. “Yo! Everybody listen up!”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“And I have a girlfriend.”
“My show has already turned into too much of a soap opera.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Good. I’m glad we’re in agreement, then.”
“You were playing a tuba in a bumper during the Sarcastithon, weren’t you?” Ken said, ignoring her last statement.
“I was in a tuba, but I certainly wasn’t playing it.”
Ken grinned, then started to lean forward, but Daria pulled away just in time.
“Stop it. I told you. I have a boyfriend.”
“Did Robin bring him here, too?”
“Yes, in fact, she did, though she insists that he stay Jane’s.”
“So, essentially, you don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Correct. And I believe that’s how she wishes it to stay.”
“Gah! Will you people shut up and let me talk?!”
“Yes, ma’am!” Ken said, saluting smartly.
“We’ve been here for over an hour and haven’t even discussed the topic at hand.” Jake was once again left out. “Which is…?”
“Robin’s writer’s block.”
“A ha.”
“Since it’s affecting a fic about your show,” Sesheta continued, turning to face Daria,“why don’t you begin the conference?”
Daria sighed. “If it were up to me, I’d…get over the writer’s block. And with that, I shall take my leave. I’m supposed to be over at Jane’s to go to a Mystik Spiral gig.”
“I’m afraid I must depart, as well,” Observer added as the teenager stood up to go. “Pearl is going to be mad enough as it is.”
“Bye, guys.”
“Take care.”
“GAH!”
“Hey. Here’s my number,” Ken whispered, slipping Daria a piece of paper. “Call me sometime, alright?”
Daria was never too skillfull at disguising her interest in a guy. This was no exception.
When they had left, Sesheta realized that someone was missing.
“Where are Tulio and Otto?”
“Oh my god, they’re gone! Tulio and Otto are gone! They’re loose! What are we going to do? Oh-ho-ho no! No!” Gosalyn mocked, eliciting peals of laughter from the remaining delegates.
Jake suddenly shushed the group. “I think I hear them.”
Sneaking out the door with his companions in tow, he discovered the two in a room down the hall.
“If it really comes down to it and humiliation doesn’t work, threaten to do something totally unexpected that would put your victim through a great deal of mental anguish. And you have to carry through.”
Tulio looked sick. Very sick. “Wh…wh…what do you mean?”
“Do you know a fellow by the name of Ken?”
“Yes, actually, I--”
Otto cut him off. “Well, let’s say that I’ve already, smeared some kind of food…oh, I don’t know…pork and beans or something…all over your face. If you still wouldn’t talk, my next step would be to threaten you. I might say, ‘Hmmm…that armadillo looks mighty tasty.’ If that didn’t phase you, I’d eat it.”
The other man’s nose was turned up. “Raw?”
“Perhaps. And you CANNOT under any circumstances let them know how repulsive you find the situation. Make them think that you find great pleasure in eating the armadillo.
“Now, your next mistake was your loyalty. An effective conman must be self-sufficient. You don’t need anyone. Get what you want out of people, and then get rid of them.”
“But Miguel and I are a team! We’re best friends! I’m not going to use him!”
“See, that’s the kind of thing that gets you into trouble. Partners are disposable. Nothing should be as important to you as your own well-being. Now, on to target shooting.”
“Ugh! This is sick! Do something, Ken.”
“Uh…” Ken took a second to think before peering around the corner and into the room. “Hey, guys. What are you doing?”
“Here’s your chance to try it out. What’s something you want out of him?”
“Hmm…”
“Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-no. You can just forget about that. I saw your movie,” Ken stammered, backed up against the wall. “This would be a good time for my colleagues to HELP ME!”
Sesheta raced to the rescue just as Otto whipped out an apple and handed his crossbow to Tulio.
“What in the name of Dr. Forester’s sweat-stained gym shorts do you think you’re doing?!”
“I’m showing my good buddy, Tulio, here, a thing or two about being a conman.”
This distracted the duo just long enough for Ken to slip out, unnoticed. When Sesheta saw that he was safely out of the room, she continued her tirade.
“I called you guys here to do a simple task: brainstorm solutions to writer’s block. But you can’t even get it together long enough to do that! Now, I’m going to get it because you didn’t do what you were supposed to!
“I’m the only one of y’all that she created. That means that, if she gets mad at you or tired of you, the most that can happen is that you’ll be kicked out. If I make her mad, she can just get rid of me. I’ll be gone. Like I never even existed. Do you realize that?”
Even Otto was beginning to look a little ashamed.
“Now, you know what? I give up. I. Give. Up. Are you happy? I can’t fight you imbeciles anymore. You’ve won. Go…have fun somewhere. I don’t care anymore. It’s all over for me, anyway.”
Gosalyn crept over to where the other bird sat, fuming and holding back tears, and threw her arms around her.
“It’s okay. I won’t let her destroy you. You’ll always live on in my fantasy world, at least.”
“Thanks, Gos.”
“Sesheta? Thank you so much for holding that meeting. It helped immensely. And, I got a semi-decent story out of it, too.”
“But we didn’t even talk about your problem!”
“I know. You did exactly what I wanted you to. Now, get some rest. It’s 3 AM and Mystery Science Theater is on in the morning.”

End Notes

1. In "Episode 10: Carded and Discarded," the freaks get fake IDs - Ken's "name" is Jesus P. Garcia. (back)

2. This is Jake Malinak of "Becker." (back)

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