january 26, 2000
Well what fun, no school yet again today, it is gettin way too old, im tired of the snow. lucky me had the alarm go off at 8:05 as i set it to do this morning, looked out the window, wow, great no school, but i made sure on the tv, thanks to channel 5 now having that scroll line for the school changes it didnt take long, but lying there i just couldnt get back to sleep so it looks as if this day is gonna last forever and me with nothing to do, ive done all the homework i had and well this serves as the best entertainment i have, only problem is if someone was to call my house they couldnt reach me cause im tying up the line being on the net
i think ill be able to get outta this town for a bit this weekend, im supposed to be in lebanon, illinois for a presidential scholarship interview at McKendree College where im planning on going this fall. i just hope the darn snow doesnt shut down my plans and force me to stay here and miss it, id rather go and see exactly what its like there on campus, im still clueless on exactly whats goin on while im there but ive been informed that they already have a schedule made for me, plus one of the football coaches seems to have put me with one of the players, so ill get a better feel of things
wonderful how i just go on about things, but if anyone spends any time reading this im surprised and i really should look more into others pages if they do, just hard to find the time to do that, im usually busy sulking in my own misery or keeping the phone line open just in case somebody does call
still no ending, ive thought about quoting myself, but then what good would that be, nothing ive written is short enough and sums up really everything id want to say, but some ppl have found my writing interesting, guess i should get into that morbid state more often, works really well, ive added a couple more things to my writings so if youre compelled to read these, feel free
Part II i just couldnt pass up the oportunity to write this thing, i realized something this evening playing monopoly. it was my dad, my youngest bro Matt, and me. It all started out wonderfully, all of us agreed to go around the board once before purchasing any property. in our family once a person gets one of the property of a color no other player can get them, kinda keeps down the fighting and shortens the game, well everyone had gotten around the board and had property leaving me with only one monopoly to try and get, man i was so pissed, cause i only got that set of property and everyone else had the rest, i just kept goin around the board not getting around without having my money taken away from me somehow, but i pressed on, a little scorned but i kept going. lucky for me i was the first to complete my monopoly, it happened to be the green properties, the ones on the same row as boardwalk, so they were quite expensive. but luckily my funds were still there since the ones i was paying were insignificant, so i immediately put houses on there. well, the game pressed on and well i won with just that single monopoly, i cleaned both dad and matt out. it reminded me of many lessons, it may seem rough at the time but in the end its gonna all be worth it
january 30, 2000
well as some of you ppl know i went to visit McKendree College this weekend and well i gained access to a computer in one of the guys im staying with's dorm, so its great cept for the fact that i dont have that constant flash of a message on icq, kinda,well i do miss that, probably noone has read these updates or just read the date you can see at the top when you first get to my page, well anyhow its pretty cool outhere in this place, has about 4 or 5 inches of that powdery snow allon the ground and its cold too, just like back at home, the plane ride was great, both of them were extremely interesting, but the best part was while i was in charlotte, NC i saw Rick Flair in the airport, i know nick is very jealous of me, i didnt get an autograph i just basically sat there awestruck, it was amazing to see him just walk through the airport, go into the little shop and buy a newspaper, then begin to walk out and this one air force guy who was on my flight to st louis stopped him and took a picture, then after that he just walked over to the flight to nashville where one of the gate attendants had their picture taken with him, it was amazing to see someone like that and the way the public interacts with them
anywho, my trip so far has been absolutely great, ive met so many ppl, and actually i am totally sick of answering the same damn questions over and over again, stuff like, "howd you find out about this place" "how bigs your school/town" just kinda monotonous, but hey maybe being here for this little while will allow me to get ahead of the other freshman cause ill know some ppl already
i have been exposed to so much alcohol its not even funny one bit, many a person has been puzzled by the fact that i dont drink or smoke, seems if you dont do that stuff you aint in the right crowd or something, but as you ppl know me, i have touched none of this stuff and my plan is to not even bother with it, EVER!!!!!!! here it is almost 2 in the mornin and im here in this dorm room playin on the computer, oh well like ill really get any sleep in this place since its so unfamiliar to me, ah the experience is good, maybe ill tell more about it later, im kinda tired and all, ive gotta catch my flight at 1pm tomorrow, hopefully the weather wont be that bad and i can get home and in time for the super bowl, but who knows but God whatll happen, well im gone goodnight
i have been asked to be a pallbearer at the funeral and i gladly accepted, the next day we are in school is gonna be rough on me and others, especially calculus class, i pray that aubrey is well taken care of now, which im sure she is, no suffering left to take. She has touched the lives of so many ppl, and i think we all have learned many lessons that will serve us well.
THANK YOU AUBREY! I'LL MISS YOU!
february 1, 2000
strange how the past week or so has been so terrible, and yet so good. the rollercoaster of emotions ive been on has gotten me bumfuzzled to the point where i honestly cant tell if im on the upswing or downturn of the ride. these feelings im experiencing are all jumbled up inside causing absolute caos to my mind. the feelings of others are hard to decipher and ive found it of no use in attempting to figure them out, they are most likely as confused as mine are
for some reason i see that being a bachelor has great rewards, i mean of course you dont have that loved one always there, but then being a bachelor you find their are many ppl out there who are possibilities, then you cant decide which one it should be and dont wanna hurt those ppls feelings whatsoever. im thinking that if i get involved with someone that against my better judgement ill become some sort of "player" which id much rather not be, but it seems toying with someone elses feelings and disappointing them is a costly answer to the problem, maybe anna was right when dissed me, feelings are better of destroying early than allowing them to flourish only to be erradicated later on
i seem to be a very complex person, as are most ppl, and so far noone really understands how it is with me, of course me writing this stuff and having ppl read it gives them reason to worry over my mental health, but i think it is a way for me to express whats going on inside my mind and somehow allowing others to compare it to theirs. it may be now that im am allowing myself a great deal of vulnerability, but id rather ppl know me than for them to be totally blind to who i really and truly am
february 2, 2000
my emotional rollercoaster continues, today we were in the huge loops, one moment im sad, the next anger, then frustration, to laughter
it amazes me how God is working on my life right now. I went to Aubrey's viewing this evening, and well i could do nothing but cry because she was one of my good friends, then while i was there, my mom happened to make an appearance, that is a very long story that some of you know and still dont know all about it. when i saw her it just brought everything back, all that she has done to hurt me and unknown to her she hurt me a great deal tonight. its hard for ppl to understand why i feel that way about her but if they were in my shoes they would most likely feel similarly
I came home afterwards feeling absolutely horrible and in a state of rage, but i believe God brought me an answer to that, Bri, Dean, Bob, and John stopped by the house, talked and watched tv. This happening relieved me of the emotional burden i was holding on to. THANK YOU GUYS, IT HELPED ME MORE THAN YOU REALIZE!!!
These emotions are something we all have to deal with, today just seemed to throw so many at me it was difficult to handle, but its what i need to deal with.
Tomorrow we have school so its gonna be one heck of a day emotionally, that is if we do have school, thats still an issue
Well i think ive said all i can for this evening, thanks to those who listen to me, May God Bless You!!
february 3, 2000
im so glad that ppl know me. today at Aubrey's funeral i realized that ppl dont really know me as i thought they did. i fail to recieve credit for the things that i do, or what i did is of least concern to those around. me im one of those ppl who stands in the background watching those whom i have helped recieve credit for things that i had some part in doing as well. noone mentions the things that i do, they seem insignificant in comparison to other's efforts. ppl mask their interest in me by asking questions of me , as if they actually do care, but in the end, what does it matter to them what i do or say, they will think nothing of it, and most likely wont remember any part of it
i am a selfish person, this i have come to realize, but this i think comes from the fact that ive gone along with other's wishes too long, and im yurning for some credit of my own. i trust that in time God will forever give me the credit im seeking and that ppl will speak fondly of me when i have left this world, because i wanna be known as a good man, worthy of respect and admiration
maybe these thoughts are also rooted in jealousy of Aubrey, but in all due respect to her, because she was a genuine article who deserves every bit of the praise she has recieved. we must take her zeal for life on with us
february 4, 2000
tergiversate (ter·giv·er·sate) (v) to shift, change, give ambiguities, be evasive
i ran across this word today in one of my daily email things, seems to fit the way i think. my mind is constantly differing, making my earlier statements irrelevant, possibly due to outside persons who read the stuff i write and comment upon it, showing me sometimes a different perspective. even though ive been very open here lately posting these little writings i have found that i still tend to hide little things from the world, mainly things id rather ppl not know about, but then that keeps me from becoming absolutely vulnerable to everyone
today has seemed to me to be totally strange, and abnormal would be a good description. it just doesnt seem to fit what im used to or something. ive been tired all day, finding nothing that i do will relieve me of the burdens, old and new, that i continue to carry with me, but thats life and well those things will always be there to plague us. the deep rooted feelings that i have are hard to come by, im not sure about anything, nothing seems to mean anything to me anymore. my goals however attainable they may be seem so very distant and the hurdles keep popping up that i must get across. i thought earlier this year that it was gonna be a great year and that i was gonna strive to do the best i could, but then i have seen that my best isnt good enough and that ppl could care less what i do, someone else has done it before or they are so much better than me at it. i think im seeking a niche, im unclear that i have one, i dont understand exactly what im looking for so that broadens the search a little too much. what has today brought to me, nothing but more stuff waiting on me to do, ah the days of snow now are becoming more needed, and to think i didnt like those days, that previous statement tergiversated my previous thoughts. not sure if that is a proper use for the word but that proves that i tergiversate often, and at this point in my life i believe that to be a good quality because it helps me understand just exactly what i should think of the situation by looking at it from both sides. oh well my toils of life continue and yet another day goes away in my existence, unused to its fullest potential.
february 5, 2000
what a day, i really havent done anything worthwhile today, stupid snow didnt allow me to get my eagle project worked on leaving me one less weekend to do it now, i can only hope that the weather will subside and allow me to do it soon, time keeps running out
as i was informed of last night, my writing yesterday didnt fully and clearly state what i meant for it to say, in a way i made a point that i should already have all the answers to everything, but this fact if absolutely false, each day i learn something new and i believe that the answers will come, you dont need them all right now, what would be the fun in that
as for a personal life right now, i dont think its really necessary, i mean we all need one and are seeking that ultimate relationship, but ive seen that not having one opens up many options and im much happier without the burdens that are associated with relationships. im thinkin maybe i should just hold out, but then where would that get me, sure wouldnt allow me to find out just what it is that i look for in a mate, giving me a sense of how great it is when i actually do find that person. who needs the pressure of being with someone anyhow, i mean if i was with someone, no doubt, i would be absolutely faithful to them, but that leaves the other party open, what is their plans or wishes in that respect. i obviously need to be burned once, just to know how it feels to have had my expectations so high only to have been completely and utterly demolished, that would show me truly how it is, cause what ive felt before doesnt even come close. this would help me to see how great it is to have a girlfriend. ah i dont know really, im just not wanting to get involved with anyone, sounds funny to me when i write it but its just what i think is best for me right now
it is apparent to me that ppl can hurt others without even intending to do so, they dont know how the other really feels so they dont know it when they do. id rather not ever hurt someone, especially someone i care about. feelings are so deeply hidden in my family, its hard to express them around here. if im hurting i find it extremly difficult to confide in my dad or my brothers, why this is i dont have a clue. love is all in my house but that word is never spoken. funny how families work.
february 6, 2000
what could i say about today. well not really anything without repeating myself. life is complicated to make it worth while for us to live. if we figured it all out that would take all the fun out of it. im trying too hard for the answers, i really dont need them. maybe complexity is a way for me to hide the simple feelings everyone has, finding a way to make them more diffucult than they really are, masking them so others cant quite understand them. i amaze myself constantly on here, this stuff i say doesnt even make sense to me half the time, giving me a headache as it is now. im not one to let that bother me, i make many other things a bigger deal, the simplest of things i can turn into the biggest mountain ever, got a knack for that. but then that does make ppl think, in my expression of thoughts other seem to be captivated by what i say. some maybe its too over their head, but to lots it is interesting somehow provoking the mind to the point of getting a headache. oh well enough senseless ramblings, ive got school tomorrow, some sleep is necessary
february 7, 2000
well ive decided to make this one short, that is since im short on time. oh well, i broke out the green day cd's this evening, its amazing that listening to the lyrics how similar they are to the way im thinking about life, they have very good points and i highly recommend listening closely to some of the songs. just a thought though.
ive just got a question, am i really trustworthy enough, should anyone confide in me whats troubling them or let me see the skeletons in their closet. all i can offer is my honest opinion on the situations, and lend an ear or helping hand when need be. these acts may be useless but i would rather do something to aid another than be selfish, problem is im too selfish in the first place. im also too hard on myself, just the same as others that i know, maybe we could all learn a lesson from each other and try not to be that way, we know its wrong, yet we still persist. well time is up, gotta go.
february 8, 2000
it may be just me, but it seems when i open my mouth nothing seems to come out that makes any sense. when i talked today it just seemed so uncomfortable, it was like what i was saying was just jibberish, and ppl just disregarded it, questioning me about what the heck i was sayin. i outta just keep my mouth shut, which i have no problems with, today seemed to exacerbate my insecurities about talkin out loud. id much rather put it in writing but that process is kinda long, speaking would be much easier, but then i would have no record of what i said, taperecorders are just too expensive and i dont wanna listen to my voice again and again anyhow. ill just stick to typin it on here, lettin those who want to read it.
im glad that those who i once thought were good christian girls are as far away from that as they could get. im not sayin they all are but from examples layed before me ive decided to not believe in ppl unless ive seen all sides. i thought my mind was dirty, then i see mine is somewhat cleaner than some of those hypocrites, that just eats me up inside, how someone who is seen as so good can be so opposite of that, kinda shows me that those who are good at heart are few and far between, and that this world is so corrupt that even the best ppl give in to temptation, sometimes too frequently. just talking about hypocrites is hard, i mean i myself can be labeled as one, in fact most of us can, but those who act one way in church or in public, then when only a few ppl are around, totally change their persona, those are the ppl i dont have anything for, posers and brown-nosers fall into that category too
still didnt say all i want on the subject, but thatll go for another day, gotta go
february 9, 2000
what is this stuff we do worth anyhow. seems when i feel that im doin something good, and have confidence in it, that confidence gets shot all to hell. working hard doesnt seem to do any more than half-assing. when i try things with self-confidence, ill be darned if it doesnt blow up in my face. school work for instance, my best work isnt as good as it needs to be, and a test i take that i know i did well on comes back to me marked up because i got so much stuff wrong, those things help not a bit. i try so hard for things, then only to be let down in the end. today i just let whatever slide along, i felt like not caring anymore, but i still went on doing the things that were required of me in classes today
people love to talk about others, this i am assured of, whether it be positive or negative. mostly cause not much goes on without ppl involved. but when you hear ppl criticizing one of your friends, it hurts big time, i dont think they really noticed what they were doing, plus it was only their opinion, but when its contrary to yours the feelings take over. it was just like me to sit back and listen not saying a word about it, but boy did i want to refute what they were saying, plus those who were talkin didnt even know the person well enough to make a judgement, this just doenst seem right to me. by writing this i just talked about ppl, but id rather do it in the general sense than about the individual
today just wasnt my day, but as i said i got through it doing what i needed to, just the overall feeling i have for the day was lousy, i just look to tomorrow to be a better one and my future to be brighter
february 10, 2000
for some reason this feeling of needing to be active came over me today, funny thing is i felt tired but then i just wanted to press on, i even did my homework this afternoon while i was home, kinda odd for me to do that but it needed to be done anyhow. i even went and washed the truck, took off the trash, helped feed the dog, worked on my eagle scout forms, called my help for this weekend, i just dunno what got into me today. im not complaining about it cause usually i dont do stuff in the first place, so it felt good to be busy today especially the fact that it was things i needed to do or work on
sittin there today in calculus class really sucked, of all the things i wanted to do, i just wanted to get home and away from there, i used to like that class, now it just doesnt seem at all worth my trouble, i just sat there by myself looking around realizing that i was mostly the only one not partaking in a conversation or something that was going on, sure i did talk some but mostly the way things work out is that i have to act on the ppl, they dont act upon me. made me feel like an outcast again, but thats nothing i havent experienced before, takes some getting used to but it bothers me some, its basically my own fault, i have few friends that i really do know, most of the time i just talk or interact on the overall sense with ppl, never getting close to them, possibly im overstating the situation but imm just pointing things out that i see, troubles i have, you know, what sucks. might as well stay where i am, i think more troubles reside when i cross out of my comfort zone of being an outcast, better not to press reforms, probably and seem more than i could handle.
february 11, 2000
seems that the computer would not allow me to save my entry for today, no need in repeating it, basically said today sucked, however i did manage to salvage a poem i wrote on here, it will serve well for today i guess
my life is in shambles
no end to this in sight
forever continuing the race
the finish line
unknown
my opponent never seen
but constantly on my tail
when i tire, just keep
moving
no time to stop and rest
no time to ease the stress
must press
on
lacking in motivation
filled with giving up
my body tires easily
my mind never
recovering
the scars given freely
taking them along
never to depart
they stay a
reminder of
the hardships faced in duration
obstacles along the path
of a race with
definate end
february 12, 2000
great how a day can be, i actually felt like a did a few things worth while, but less than id liked to have. things went okay on the eagle project today for a change, got some accomplished, hell and high water came, but still we worked, its in its final stages thank goodness, time was a runnin out quickly and is still doing so, i just want one more weekend to be nice to put the finishing touches on it, that would be great, cause its just got a little more machine work to go, but that wont take long i dont think, the culmination is soon, thank God for his help, and to those who worked with me on it. to tired right now to even think, might as well end this thing
february 13, 2000
do i appear to ppl as looking older than i really am, to some this is true, but when i look in the mirror im still 17 years old, that is til next month, but thats later on in the future. i have been told by some that i look older than i am, most of the time not directly but indirectly from one of the ppls friends type deals, it is somewhat flattering, but im not even close to 20 yet, let alone 21. ah let ppl think as they please.
anyway today just was one of those lasy dont wanna do anything days that you sleep in and end up doing some stuff later on that you planned on doing earlier in the day but in the place of doing it earlier you found something that was worthless to do just to pass the time, wow what a description, hope that is clear enough, but anyway, ive gotta get movin with this life, the days keep passin, should make the most of them, but i hardly ever do
here recently i have been on a buying frenzy of tapes for the truck, these music selections are mainly do to my need of being able to listen to what i call "cabin classics", the country songs that i listened too on the radio when i was going to our cabin in smyth county, these songs remind me of those great times that i had and the feeling that i get when listening or singing along to them is priceless, it sums up all that i enjoy in life, the memories are irreplaceable, guess im just finding a way to help me feel better in the days as they go by
february 14, 2000
well what a valentines day, just another day for me, not too much into the spirit of love, id rather not tinker with that emotion too much anymore, seems to risky and unnecessary right now, that stuff can wait. i am set on the fact that i refuse to go to the prom, even if someone (which is highly unlikely) askes me to go, id have to decline the invitation. i just cant understand why anyone would pay so much money just for one night that you may or may not remeber later in life, id much rather go against conformity and stay away from the prom, just to say id never been, sounds just fine to me. prom is too much trouble and always ends up with ppl fussing about what they dont like about it or how they should change some aspect of it just to suit their taste. i believe it to be worthless, but that is my opinion, anyone is entitled to argue my point, maybe they like it, and they can do that, i just dont want to hear them bitch about it constantly. ah, waited too late to do this entry, oh well tomorrow is another day
february 15, 2000
what could i write today, well who knows just typing usually gets me started on something, here's a topic, women, well that is a very broad one, nothin is ever good enough for them, yet they have settled for less before i think, those ppl are the ones id not want to be with, id rather be with someone who has held out for me, which is exactly what im doing for them, i hope you catch my drift there. some of the most religious ppl i know have given in to the temptation, what else can you do about they, they say they regret it, but a friend told me once that he was sure they enjoyed it, and well i couldnt argue with that, gotta be enjoyable or we wouldnt strive so hard in our lives to do that, i have absolutely decided that i will hold out until i find that right person, that is my ultimate mindset, and the ultimate goal is for that person to have held out as well, and marriage taking place before the gettin busy stuff starts, im sure itll be tough but well ive gotten this far, been through enough crap in my life, im sure i can handle the temptations, havent gotten the better of me yet i dont think
another point would be that women are just too complex, thats funny since i claim to be that as well, but i believe as anothe one of my friends does that when you find that special person that you will just know it, and they will just instinctively be able to understand yo, optimistic, yes, but seems that it would be great, i just think that waiting til then that ill be a better person, and all my willpower will pay off in the end leaving me with total happiness, God has his plan for me, ive just gotta do my best to follow through with it
february 16, 2000
seems that my entry for yesterday was recieved very well, glad it was, and those are my true feelings on the subject. im probably a minority, and rather small i believe, but id just like to admit that to ppl, just so they understand some more of where im comin from. the same goes for drugs and drinkin, if i can help it i wont bother with it, prescription drugs are fine, gotta make an exception on those.
today went pretty well i think, long day but it was a good one all in all, still i wonder why ppl act so differently in situations, i myself do the same, in government class im quiet and hardly say a word, then in calculus i let it all out, maybe ive gotten to a comfort level that i havent and probably wont reach in gov't class. still that is behavior, but it isnt as severe as some ppl's, how most ppl see them is sometimes opposite of how i think of them, maybe i dont know them well enough, but then what i do know is just what those ppl who think they know them should know, that one had some thinking attached to it. i do hold some grudges against ppl, but maybe im supposed to, still i attempt to get over them but that's hard to do for me, id like to overlook it, but i just cant somehow. well i appreciate all comments on yesterdays posting, thanks and im glad i could make you think and give you some hope.
february 17, 2000
people like to look at things that are outta place or just dont fit in, somehow the draw of curiosity gets the best of them, still im guilty as charged in this case, the abnormal draws attention, no matter how hard we try we peek or look out of the corner of our eyes no matter what, just human nature i suppose. its amazin to be the one gawked at, somethin that doesnt happen to me often if at all, still i feel more comfortable being to myself and in the shadows, spotlight just isnt my thing, mostly from fear of messing up and insecurities i have, should be able to get over them but, doesnt look like it, i think its time for me to go anyhow
february 18, 2000
whats the deal with ppls interactions, i suppose them not being the same all the time adds to the interest of me in viewing them. fact is nobody can please anyone, and even if they think they do its only temporary, doesnt last long enough, but then thats why we all strive for pleasure, that since we cant have it as much as we want it. the things that do give us joy are obtained occasionally, only then to be somehow not all you expected them to be. problems and things still wait for you afterwards, they dont ever go away, the key to happiness may be to overlook these tasks lacking in completion, bad feelings, or worries, but this im not sure of, only a theory. too much to do so little time to do it in, when will it ever end, never im thinking, but that's a method of keeping life interesting, i would much rather have something to do, or better yet doing something, than sittin around not doing anything when you know things need to be done, i dont like that feeling, but still i experience it often, im so tired but i press on, things wont get done unless i do, outta adopt that philosophy, and somewhat have already, guess im just lazy, and very tired, that could be the reason im so irritable, and complaint filled, dont wanna bother ppl with that stuff, better quit before i go any farther
february 21, 2000
this day can go down as one of the worst days ever in my life, this overwhelming feeling of wanting the world to just go away has come upon me not allowing me to shake it. no matter what ive done today to attempt to have some fun and enjoy myself, it gets shot all to hell, a complete flip-flop happens immediately following it, i had come to the conclusion this weekend that pain is only temporary, but ive scratched that, the temporaryness of it is only temporary, it comes again and again, stronger and stronger, intermittent joy happens, but that is the only thing that is truly temporary.
people have great power over me, they influence everything, just as they do on others i think, but anyhow today i could do no right, in classes today it was all wrong, no matter my feeble attempts at enjoying it, it still sucked. today in govt i just sat there basically, as i usually do, but then i was used to that i think, then ppl constantly bother me with their useless chatter, mrs reece cant control it, i found half the time i was listening to her i couldnt hear because all around me conversations were being held, and if i attempted to join in it was useless or i said something stupid. then in calculus, my friend, whether he thinks so or not, had "the big head" because of his recent election to the all-star team, then when im thinking the day wasnt gonna be so bad and i was having fun, i was once again set into my place of seclusion by a person who deemed me to be the loudest of interruptions, maybe i am loud but it seems the things i do arent acceptable, and others are allowed to be tolerated, when mine are rare and theirs are constant, im not saying my behavior was correct, i was wrong, but i dont feel i do anymore than anyone else, from that point on the feeling of worthlessness came back to stay this time, it really hadnt left since this weekend anyway. english class didnt go well either, i saw once again how i dont meet standards ive set for myself, my papers werent how i wanted them to be, i didnt do the ones i did previously very well, and to top it all off, i dont know how i ever got in this class, i cant do this kinda stuff well or even good for that matter. then physics, well i think i talked to two persons, thats the extent of what ppl thought of the mood i was in, suppose they just didnt wanna talk to someone who didnt talk back and looked mad at the world (which if thats what they thought, they were correct). also today, ive been fighting the beginnings of a nice cold that i think i caught this weekend camping, it did not help my day at all
whats the use anyhow, today was just bad, nothing anyone could say would make it better, and those who ask are the ones who care somewhat at least, but then i usually decline the invitation to spill all my problems onto them because i dont want to type it all, id just like for the entire world to leave me be once, like that'll happen, but i can still dream and hope, thats whats keepin me goin, gotta be something to break this term of terribleness, i just dont care really, if it happens it happens, all i know now is im sleepy, sick, and fed up with everything and everyone
february 22, 2000
ah the way ppl put words into what others are sayin, jealousy may be bad, but thats not totally what i meant by my statement, im quite proud of my friend for getting such recognition, and of course i felt some jealousy, but that was the least of feelings, i could care less whether i got that honor or not, i would feel the same way he does about it, and probably act somewhat similar but as for jealousy, thats not the issue, i was only pointing out that the honor had gone to his head in the view of others
enough on that, today went pretty well, i didnt do the best in school today but as for my mental state it has made a turn for the better, im feelin good about things again, still have the usual worries but those are acceptable, ive gotten things settled for now i think, its great how God helps you through things, im glad he allowed me to feel better, all i have to do is trust in him, i think ive just done a hypocritical thing, but im not really sure, but im guessing all ppl do this once in awhile.
february 23, 2000
how things are
how things arent
the predicaments we get into
the predicaments we get in the middle of
the predicaments we stay away from
the things we do
the things we dont do
the things we say
the things we dont say
the things we enjoy
the things we have to enjoy
the things we dont enjoy at all
the people we love
the people who are friends
the people who are disliked
the people who are enemies
the lives we live
the lives we wish we did
the lives we influence
the lives that influence us
the way we think
the way others think
the way others think we think
the way we think others think
february 25, 2000
im slackin on the updates now, ah it was inevitable, doin so everyday just doesnt work, i can try and i think i have been doing a good job, but itll be too good to last, ah well. i am so tired today, too much exercise for one day, im not complaining cause i like it, but the aftermath is tough, my legs hurt and my entire body is just ready to collapse, but i get by
i may be annoying at times, but its fun to be that way occasionally, always being nice just sucks, and nice guys finish last, so whats the use in that, plus the ppl i bug have fun too, i know they enjoy it, especially since they dont have much better to do, so it all works
well im gone since im so weary from the day, tomorrow is yet another challenge and tiresome day, might as well prepare for it with some rest
february 26, 2000
it is not time for spring yet, its only february and its still winter time, i mean i like the warm weather and all, but just not yet, its too early. gonna be tough to keep the snowing on my birthday record alive it being this warm
you ppl may not know it, well i think ive probably done a very good job of keeping it hidden from everyone, mainly cause i wanted to be pretty sure about it, now i think i am. ive been talkin to this girl for a week or two, and she really likes me, and well i think i really like her too, feels like i can tell her anything, i find myself telling her things i dont usually tell others, and we can talk about almost anything, its great, some of you have probably seen me with her, and well thats all fine and good. its just so wonderful to be with someone who cares very much about you, and you feel the same about them, and i dunno it just seems to work with us. in all honesty i used to think she couldnt ever be what i wanted, but now that ive come to know her better, she feels the same as i do on plenty of things, and as Andy Griggs song says, "she's not the woman of my dreams, she's more".
march 4, 2000
havent updated here for a few days now, seems bout time to do that, let me just dismiss the part about my new "woman", ive just decided to get rid of that, not that it wasnt worth it, i just dont think i typed and was thinking what i wanted to, i think it was more what others thought that i should be saying and feeling, i think the relationship was more one sided, i didnt feel the same as she did. It was just the most awkward situation ever, seems i put myself in them frequently, in the end, i lose more than i had bargained for, but thats how it turns out, sucky but true.
i dunno what comes over me sometimes, yesterday was my birthday, and it was the longest birthday ever, but i enjoyed every bit of it. after the little fiasco some ppl pulled for my birthday, i was a bit hot-headed, so dad gave me some money and i took the ram out for a drive, first i went up skeens ridge, hadnt been out that road in forever, next stop was PV Memorial Gardens, mostly to visit aubrey cause she had given me a birthday present before she left us, had to thank her for it, also in one of my dreams the night before she had wished me a happy birthday so i had to let her know i appreciated that too. while i was there i visited my grandparents, they werent far from aubrey. next stop was wise to get some cheaper gas, then to high knob, i hadnt been to the observation tower, ever, so i went. the view was great, i bet even better when the clouds are gone and it isnt too hazy. on my drive there i had a what looked to be a hawk fly right in front of the truck, that was amazin. i also visited all the towers they put up there for tv, cellphone and whatnot. I had always wondered where you came out when you went all the way through the knob road, and well i got my answer cause i drove it all, you end up in ft. blackmore, i figured that out once i got to the school, thats when it hit me i knew where i was. so i drove home and when i got here i had three very good friends stop by and brighten my day, Bri, BoB, and Dean, that meant more to me than i think you really know, my day wasnt so hot til you guys came, i wont forget what you did, it meant the world to me.
as for today it was a good day, it went as days do, i did some stuff that needed to be done, and dad gave me a chance to use my new power of being 18 when he told me to go get him a pack of cigarettes, they even carded me, took them a second before they asked, and even longer to compute that i was old enough.
thanks to everyone who did something for my birthday
even as lovely as you are
i still wont go that far
im of a dying breed
the ones who control the need
its not that i dont wanna
im just waitin on a
person to fill the part
one who steals my heart
march 8, 2000
well i could come up with excuses, but who needs them. ive learned that something triggers this absolute dislike of everyone everyday, something just happens and i just crawl into a shell, im not sure exactly when i emerge, but i do most of the time, its just i dont get why but its just something sets off my bad mood. ppl notice that all of a sudden i change faces, they talk to me, i dont talk to them much. i just went to tennis practice feeling pretty good about everything, but well that didnt last long, i soon became bitter and didnt care much about what was goin on, its just the way i get i suppose.
ive had fun this week wearing my sunglasses all the time, nobody seems to mind really, it may look stupid but i find it very relaxing, i know they can still see my eyes but not always, kinda leaves a sense of mystery to myself i think, plus everything i see is darker, thats much better than all the light, i just wonder what ppl think when they see me wearing them, oh well, im doin my best to show that i dont care what others are thinking about me, that is the bad stuff, if they think highly of me as a person then im glad for that, but then i seem to be doin very well at changing thier minds, ah just as i wanted.
senseless rambling isnt bad, it helps to get things out, and seems to be my method. ah, i just cant shake it, no matter how much i want to have a girlfriend, i really dont care much for one, seems they arent anything but trouble, and none of them fit my specifications, plus id rather not get involved with anyone before i go away to college, this dating thing is so interesting, yet i want to avoid it when it comes to me, id rather just sit back and see what everyone else does and how they deal with it. seems that im best at just sittin in the middle of a conversation, not saying a word, having no influence on what the topic is, or at least not commenting on it, laughing occasionally and short answers to inqueries, im just a real life of the party, but i do it so well that nobody minds, probably why i stay at home so much, im just no fun.
enough of this for now, ive said my piece i believe, still yet not all of it, i will save more of this redundancy for later
march 9, 2000
today was stack up your problems day
let them get higher and higher
dont even bother with them
do nothing to solve them
seems more and more
the stuff is overflowing
still i can handle
its not all emotional
some of it
but i havent done crap
of what i need to
just one of those days
one that just isnt right
nothing seems to fit
nothing goes your way at all
today ive been pissed at the world
no scapegoat but myself
i may be down on myself
maybe really hard on myself
still
all i have is myself
i must be true to myself
but that is hard for myself
looking for a light
something to prop my head
hope is what ive got
have that to the end
only thing that never fades
march 13, 2000
busy doin email the past couple days, when i get behind i really get behind, had to clean out the junk and read the good stuff, it was just overwhelming, plus i went out with friends the past couple nights, that was fun, i enjoyed myself.
i havent been the best person here lately, maybe to a few ppl, but to most ive just been distant, heck ive rather enjoyed it, being a pure asshole is just fine with me, seems my nice guy image needs a little tarnishing, and well it hasnt gotten me anywhere that i want to be, ive also been doin the queerest stuff i can, by that i mean both gayish and odd, ppl tend to question which it is, but hey if they wanna question fine, the attention isnt a factor in it, id much rather not have any.
i dont like the fact of dating, it seems that if you really care for the person, you end up not caring much atall as it goes along, might as well date an enemy so things wont change, heartbreak is just too much to deal with to most ppl, guess ill find out later on when it totally devastates me.
happiness is only ignorance to the world
thats how i see it, but we really cant ignore the world, it creeps up on us constantly, being bitter is fun, im really optimistic about what is going on in my life, just an act im puttin on to see how ppl react, some care, some dont, i just wanna know what ppl think of me and how they react to me, and not vic versa. more to come on the subject, oh well, im gone
march 14, 2000
what a lovely day, i learned something, im sick of worrying about little things like tests and stuff, i get what i get on them, things play out for the good in the end, dont sweat it, meant to be it will, ill take what i get with the effort i put in it, to the point, im not worrying, just go with it.
march 15, 2000
"There are no hopeless situations. There are only those who have grown helpless about them." - Clare Boothe Luce, American author, member of Congress (1903-1987).
came across this quote in my email today, backs up how i feel and have been actin, or maily how ppl think ive been actin, i really am filled with hope, i just choose to act like i dont care much, just amuses me i suppose, well im off, lookin forward to my cabin visit this weekend
march 16, 2000
well i have had a crummy day, seems that the things that i look forward to or think ill have fun at somehow turn out that i dont enjoy it at all, it just sucks, seems that when i try and talk to ppl, or have a conversations with friends, im the one sitting there, its always me, im like the camera guy, i sit and view whats going on, no input
march 19, 2000
agreeing with my last entry on this one
after this weekend i really dont know what to think, the "ultimate session" was held, and the name fits well, that was what it was. it was nice to get away with a couple friends but then it was somehow just too much of a change from what the experience at the cabin is supposed to be, or at least how i like to think of it. i mean i had fun and all, that is the best place in the world to me, but things just didnt seem the same, i had been looking forward to it, but my intentions for how the weekend would be just didnt play out for me. i dont know what it was, my scapegoat was the different personalities of the ppl there, and the things they did, the music that was listened to, and the disappointment i had in myself and the things i had to do and that i thought were great but really didnt seem to interesting or as enjoyable to others. actually i was disappointed in this weekend, it was good and all, but nothing like it has been before, i guess it just doesnt rank as high as i had speculated it to, oh well, too frustrated to care.
march 21, 2000
nice guys finish last
this point could not have been made any clearer than it was today. the realization was struck and well it makes total sense, however much i disagree with it and want it not to be true, it absolutely and unfortunately is. the way i see it, ill never have the opportunity to have a wife who coincides with the white of her wedding dress, meaning my wife, if i have one, most likely wont be a virgin, sad but true. if she happens to be then i will be the happiest man alive. ive come to see that women tend to go for the guy that they can settle down with and have a family, girls on the other hand have to, i suppose, live life and go out with someone their parents hate and who has hardly any moral standards who they might well have sex with, isnt that just a lovely picture, damn i cant stand that fact, it burns me up inside, and "damn" doesnt even begin to express how i feel about that kinda situation. It just bothers me so much to know that ppl cant abstain, whether it be from drugs, smoking, drinking, or sex. maybe my values are too strong, or i should attempt a 'bad boy' image, seems that is how you get women my age, its just too late for me to do that, ppl know me and too well it seems, im doin my darndest to change that. i was told today in physics that i probably had the best values of any person in the entire class, and when i stopped to think about that one, it was most likely true, i couldnt find an example to refute the statement. i had mixed feelings about that too, i mean it made me feel really good to know ppl think that highly of me and i sorta felt cocky about it knowing that i had realized that i was really going agains society, which is what im striving for, on the other hand i thought that i was the only person who had not fully experienced life, tested its limits and restraints, or done something wrong to realize how much not doing so is better and regretting doing whatever it was in the first place. its just so wrong, i mean i really am this goody good person, it kinda sucks but on the other hand i wouldnt have it any other way. I dont know where all these strong values that i have came from, but im not gonna change them no matter what. Only thing i can do is what i have been, trusting in God and knowing that he has someone out there for me who deserves me as much as i deserve them, and who has waited just as i have for that special person
march 26, 2000
well wasnt this just a glorious weekend, actually it was a pretty good one to me, finally got some sun, that is time outside with my shirt off, mostly working outside, but thats the fun of it, work on the "natural" tan and get work done at the same time, what a trade. been kinda bored other than that, tv is kinda old, nothin much on cept spring break on mtv, thats about it, seem most of those already, but one thing i watched this weekend really got my thinking, SLING BLADE was on, this is one of my favorite movies, dont know why but i am so captiviated by it, not because of Thornton's accent, thats cool, but that isnt the whole reason, i find the story and plot perplexingly interesting, my mind just constantly worked during the movie, well enough of that, lets just say it is now credited as one of my favorite movies
another thing was brought to my attention, i agree with it totally, why waste your time taking pictures in order to preserve memories, why not just live in the moment, recalling those times with those whom have shared it with you or even reflect on them yourself, time is too precious to worry about and waste time preserving the past, carpe diem
march 27, 2000
have you ever looked at someone youve known forever, then for some reason you see them from the perspective as if youve never seen them before, this is one of those rare moments in life where everything around you is unfamiliar, i have a experienced this a few times, but it didnt last long, kinda wanted it too, but oh well.
why are ppl so weak minded, they give in too much, the barrage of findings ive encountered backs up my point, i will always be disappointed by and in ppl, they hardly live up to my expectations, even as low a standard as i set, they still get below that, it makes me mad, im just all upset about how ppl think and do things, they have no will power, no standards, no respect, im just so annoyed at ppl, id rather not associate with them, why should i allow myself to be part of something or with ppl who do things that i dont agree with, well that really narrows the field of persons to just about noone, that suits me fine, but then again, maybe not
april 1, 2000
wastin time wastin time down a bum fuck road and i dont know where the hell itll go, heirlooms and huffin fumes and im pickin up the pace and im gonna smash straight into a wall
what a relief bringing back the music you havent listened to in forever, and still basically remembering the lyrics, at least the ones you understand, the ones you dont, they can be found out.
i just wonder sometimes
is it even worth my time
or life to waste away
like ive been doing
the pleasures of life
i have denied myself
for i have deemed them
too bad to waste away
to go on like this
could turn for the better
for denying the guilt
from the pleasures we take
may give us some relief
in the life we still live
that which we feel
that which we experience
to live a life without
is to live fully in hope
that once we go through hell
heaven will smile down
and bless us with wealth
the pleasures that are
the ones much better
than those that others
took part in before
april 3, 2000
as the cursor blinks
my mind wanders
through endless nothingness
it seems the thoughts wont come
or esle they are cluttered with so much
that nothing can come
to mind worth addressing
the conversations dont make sense
trying to hard to say something worthwhile
only to fail with jibberish
the day goes by as usual
interaction inevitable
mostly those who care enough
to waste their time on me
they say im worthwhile
to me thats useless ramble
im not worth the effort
into my shell i go
hoping something will come
rescue me from death
of a soul of seclusion
one lacking of passion
to speak to others
to talk about things
to express my thoughts
in person
not through mask
i feel for those who suffer
similarly the fate ive chosen
but unique to them
they stive the same goal
only finding unreachable
just the same as i
still i persist
keeping on this path
one filled with gloom
comfort found with the many
just not liking most all
hypocrites abundant
a member i am
who say the ills of persons
only to act them out
april 4, 2000
often i dont even know the date until i get here and need to type it in, today was one of the few i did know, mainly because i had to put a date on the signed materials for college i took care of to be mailed back, seems i dont have too much to worry about monetarily, thanks to God for blessing me with the opportunity to go somewhere and make something of myself without the restraints financially.
DECLINATION (deck-len-ation)
a word that just came to me today, didnt even bother to think, just came to mind and uttered immediately to a friend, who immediately took off with it as being cool, ah to have that coolness, that acceptance, but then who needs that, the price you pay for that is just too high in my opinion, "fortune and fame are disguised as your friend", it is mainly the fame part im talking about there.
dont ya just love teachers who like to not teach things relevant to what you need to learn, spending too much time on crap that you already know, insulting you intelligence in a way, if i have questions ill find out some way, but get on with it, show us how the formula works, dont waste time on the math crap, thats easy, use the formula, or at least let us know it exists somehow
"past the point of rescue" hal ketchum, great song, heard it twice today, just finally put the artist and song together, it is a "cabin classic", if i could get all those songs together it would be the greatest album ever. i have also noticed that country music, more and more, is moving away from the old standards, just as george strait's song with alan jackson states, oh well, take the classic to the contemporary, its played on the country station, its close enough to country. i just dont like these cross over persons, they take the limits too far, go one way or the other, dont blur the boundry anymore than it has been already
give me a break, dont ya wish that a break could be had, sorry, life has none, you dont get breaks, you just get more enjoyment out of some things than you do others
april 6, 2000
REASSURANCE
i need it
cant go on without
for survival
in any answer
to instill confidence
i dont have it
must persist anyhow
for impermanence
in any way
to instill trepidation
april 7, 2000
lack of words is not one of my strong points, well at least not in the medium of my page, i get out things here, stuff that bothers me, things i am pondering the sense of, ah what matter
i see who my friends are, they are those who listen, who seek me out to do things, only laugh at me to a point knowing the threshold of tolerance, they know me and want me to be part of their lives, but they come and go as the weather, circumstances arise or they just plain dont need you around
another thing is, some of us have great ppl skills, making friends constantly, but those friend relationships only go so far, a true friend is hard to get for those ppl, i feel sorry for them, they cant seem to see anyone who is truly a "best" friend, would it be better to have many friends, or to have a few really good friends, i kinda get these acquaintences and friends confused, using them interchangeably, whatever the difference is, i hope you get what im saying
april 8, 2000
today was just the dreariest, murkiest, coldest spring day. i did however spend my time doing stuff, if i hadnt been doing that i wouldve gone crazy probably.
friends surprise me more and more everyday, as if i havent stated that fact before, nobody is really totally who you think they are, ppl have so many different sides to them one can never really nail down exactly who they are, and still nobody knows who i am really, not even me, i guess that is the fun of the world, keeps it all in check and interesting
love comes to us all, in what form we dont know until that moment, until then all we can do is wait, trying out things we think are love, only to find out we were wrong, but these excursions give us a better sense on just what we want love to be, when we find it it should be the best thing weve ever known and felt, too often mistaken by lust it seems
if i ever did get to the point of a really serious situation, i wouldnt know what to do, i would feel so foolish, in all seriousness im afraid of it, id rather not have it at all, seems too complicated, life is much simpler on my own, searching for that someone is better than having one to have all these constrasting emotions that are so hard to deal with, the negatives outweight the positives, for awhile i could handle it, but long term i couldnt stand, only thing that could go the distance would be if the relationship had a love factor in it, mutual at that
april 9, 2000
life is full of chances
you take them everyday
its also full of changes
coming from the chances
you take everyday
april 11, 2000
if i could only
get rid of this headache
lose my rotten self-esteem
not covet others
have more fun
find love
hunt for a living
sleep as long as i wanted
eat without consequence
do as i please
tell it like it is
have no pain
be truer to God
understand
april 12, 2000
is a true friend one to be neglected, is it necessary for one to speak to a person only to find the favor never to be returned, is it easy to make the first move, is it to always be the way it isnt supposed to, is it wrong to have dreams unfulfilled, is sex worth nothing but fun for the moment, is it to struggle through life for better yet to come, is the pain to subside
april 13, 2000
and for a moment ago i didnt know what to write about, funny how things come up when you least expect them, addressing issues concerning others is downright funny, maybe the things i do have a consequence, well i know they all do. word of doings get around fast. i disagree with the fact of getting out and doing things in order to stop thinking about stuff, i disagree because that isnt a problem i do do that. thinking is a part of what i do, if i didnt have it i dont know what i would do. maybe i am a jerk about stuff, but on certain things, when i attempt to talk to someone about a certain thing i most definately sound like it at times, but it is only to show the emotion i have about it. business between ppl should be left between those two persons, why should the daily conversations be used to spread gossip, because it always leaves out important information, and on top of that when others get involved they blow things way outta proportion, i do what i see fit to do, maybe wrong, but i see other evils contributing as well.
stop and think about what you say to others, especially in disagreements, they often come back to you or easily get misinterpreted.
april 14, 2000
movies in my opinion are well worth the money spent, i would however like it to be a little cheaper so i could do it more often anyways i find movies to be an escape from reality, a way to separate oneself from the world for the short time it lasts, for once i get a moment to witness events and take them in, get caught up in something bigger than i could imagine, forgetting the troubles that life has, dwelling on what is put before my eyes, almost interacting, but really only admiring
april 16, 2000
today was a day where i had no interest in social interaction, at least i didnt feel like putting up with ppl today, especially in person. select few i can deal with, but the outside world, i just completely tried to ignore the best i could, enough of this, im gone
april 17, 2000
just a few things popped into my mind when i was sitting in my classes today:
you hurt the ones you love the most
we pick on those persons we care about, sometimes hoping that those certain ppl might be something more
in college drinking and sex predominate
at some point something has to give
some friends just arent worth the effort to keep
complaining takes center stage in life frequently
movies impact life by depicting it
the things i do arent unique, its all been done
women share very personal stories with other women they hardly even know
"it happened before i even met you" is not an excuse
april 19, 2000
kids are great in moderation, they get on the nerves easily if excessive time is taken with them
high blood pressure isnt good, so dont concentrate on things that make you mad all the time, try and stay cool, relax
hopes may be one thing you might wanna consider not putting too high, and yet, dont settle for less
show respect even in defeat, good character is hard to come by
if you put yourself in a position to hurt anothers feelings, they will get hurt and the guilty conscience is on you
noninteraction gets you nowhere, not a place to enjoy when you are seeking companionship
sleep isnt easy to get, so get it while you can
people will surprise you, be prepared for the unpreparable
april 20, 2000
everything will eventually fail you
lifes lessons come free, its the learning them that costs
if i get good at something, i cant keep it that way
having a bad day seems inevitable, even when it starts out great
