there is someone i love. a lot. but how do i tell him? how do i show him in a believable way?

i will sing it to you.

i will write it to you.

i will draw it for you.

i will scream it for you.

i will curl up into your arms and cry it for you.

whatever you want. whenever you want.

Dec 11, 144 pm

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

Your Monster Profile

Cruel Goblin You Feast On: Coffee You Lurk Around In: Shopping Malls You Especially Like to Torment: Cops

Playful Angel! Sunbeam in the end.

What kind of Angel are you? .._..contains Anime pictures.._..
brought to you by Quizilla

You're an Angel! You're super cute not to mention
Opstimistic! You love anything having to do
with Bunnies/Kitties/anything cute. You're very
fun to be around, Even if you get mad, Everyone
still thinks it's cute! Lucky you!

What Kind of Girl are you? (anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

u r a silent girlfriend. ur shy around the one u love. when u are around him
or thinking about him, u are probably
thinking,"he'll never love me." if u
relax alittle around him and talk 2 him more,
he will definetly see you as more than ur
apearance and ask u out. once he does, u'll be
restored to ur shy state of mind. don't stay
shy! now that u know he loves u, u need 2
loosen up and be urself. HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What kind of gilfriend would u be?(with awesome anime pics and 8 M-azing results!!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Unicorn. The unicorn seems to be attracted to you because of
the qualities that makes you you! You seem to
be in touch with your surroundings, whether it
be in the city or in the outback. You are quiet
most of the times, and if people critisize you
because of that, don't listen to them. You're
just being calm and mellow. When it comes to
your appearance, you rely on your natural
beauty. You don't need make up to look pretty.
You're content with your original self. Even
though you may be calm and quiet, you can be
strong at the right times, and stubborn when
need be. Perhaps this is why the unicorn is so
attracted to you. Congrats.

What is following you around? (Girls Only) (Boys only type is coming soon!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your anime girl has black hair, blue eyes, and is
very fashionable.

What does your anime girl look like?(girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're perfect guy is a guy who doesn't care about
what other people think. He is comfortable with
hisself and he does everything he likes, no
mather what other people say.

Who's You're perfect guy? - girls only!- - With beautifull anime pics!-
brought to you by Quizilla

thats good for now i think

dec 5, 1130 pm

it smells like fish down here.

ya know, this same scenario keeps happening.... third time this week.... oh dear oh dear..

nov 29, 2005 326 am

|sings| whos a little drama queeeeeen!? meeem ee memememememememememe. |end sings|

anywho, yeah.. that entry... huh... its an odd one. dont worry though, im good now.. sometimes i get morbid when im

<h2>OUTSTANDINGLY BORED </h2>

nonetheless, sorry. its sall good. im good. mhm. sure is. am... whatever...

so heres some randomness to prove i am quite chill:

toaster sub oven

woo wee

i really REALLY hate kids bop. infact, i am going to shank all those little bastards then cut the people who ever thought of the damned cd and then DESTROY thier hq which i assume is in some hick little ton like happylands nh because the concept of kids bop is so damned bad, they needed to hide from the world so that they wouldnt provoke terrorist attacks.

i think i wanna post some porny right here. monkey porno.. DAH HA HA HA

umm

but i cant and wont, so suck it you nazi whores.

oh yeah, dont cry for me argentiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiina

regrettably, i had written this entry last night.. so im not sure how this ones gonna go over...

nov 28, 545 am (updated at 459 pm)

Have you ever been in a moment that was a perfect event to write? Every day is like that for me. Every hour, second, any form of time passing, is like that. I wish I could just write everything because the thoughts in my head deserve to be permanent.

My eyelashes arch as my eye lids squint down. Tiredness is taking over my body, but I cannot sleep. There is too much I am thinking about. To much lust on my brain, and guilt and passion, desire, pain, fear. I am an array of emotions I would like to ignore, but lo, here I am writing this.

I feel shamed right now, I feel tainted and that I have hurt a friend. I have hurt her, I think, looking back I destroyed a moment with my fear and agony, and with the pushing of 1200 mg of ibuprofen and a dash of macrodantin. Things were not right with me. And as I lay in that bed, hiding my face from shame and anger, I heard the tender noises of lips lapping, and of fingers crawling into spaces that weren’t mine. It was all too painful. Was I jealous? Perhaps. Was I afraid? That may have been it too. But really I think it may have been the exile. The loneliness I had created. My own little empire bore in the knee of a gentleman who may love me. Did I ignore the happenings of the night? Why yes I did. Instead of truly tweaking, I took in the music, bizarre and twisted; I took in the darkness of the room, the sweaty air and my own fear. It was like a drug. It was a drug. Humanity is a drug.

But still, I think of the second being in this twisted vortex of mine. Have I stung her like a bee, as I often do when it comes to sexuality? Perhaps. But what scares me the most, I think, is my insane regression; a mix of denial and horror overcame me, as lips yearned for my tongue. But I declined, because that’s what I’m used to do. So thinking back to four and plus years ago, I rejected souls who wanted my essence, maybe, or maybe they wanted approval from the person they truly came to see.

But read this, my crazed friends, because really, all was an accident. There are never hard feelings swarming in my head, but I can’t fully speak for yours. I am sorry though. I am sorry my ego may have hit me and I am sorry my 14 year old body was hugging my 18 year old mind. Forgive me; I implore you, because I feel I had pointed my knife at you.

But regardless of that, I feel the need to vent perhaps. I have mentioned ego in this page, and I will mention it again. I have none. I think any ego I have left is gone. It ran away with my vanity and overall satisfaction of myself. I am incomplete and hurt. My skin is dry and my eyes are constantly wet above black underlids. Should I be like this though? Is it natural for me to think low of the body I have owned for 18 years? Perhaps. But in the last heat of life you’d think I would be okay; boys and girls wanting to climb my insides and conquer my aura. But lo, my caverns are too deep for humans' eyes, too vast and to dark. They may cave at any moment.

But still, beauty has slithered away from me and I think someone may be keeping it in a bottle. I bet some people laugh at this. At the emotional drama that has been incurred. But truly, I am afraid for myself. I am afraid of myself. No more do I look at a reflection and see beauty of any shape, no more can I look down and feel satisfied with skin like a glove, no more will I find happiness in the blue ravines that make up my outward soul. No, what has replaced it is a disgusted being who scoffs at the site of anything remotely egotistical.

I believe you, when you cry, that I have worth, that I am not a failure and there is some aesthetically pleasing points to the figure before you. But she is too overwhelmed now, and though she trusts you all so very much, your opinions do not reflect hers.

I am not a mirror. I am a beast.

But as I lay on the soft layers of my mattress, dangerously aware of the wet bracelet on my right wrist and the dry skin feeling like it may crack at a moment, I feel quite old. I’m not seeing my hands as lush, white, tender teen hands, but as old, wrinkly, veiny, coarse death hands. They move like I am, but they look how I feel.

I had no idea who I was until moments ago. No, I still don’t know who I am, but I think I may have stumbled onto something of significance. I know I am Robin. I know this for certain, but my name does not accurately depict myself. You look into the water glass and see someone you recognize. I look into the same piece of china and see a person who is lost and ready to collapse. Please, hold me up when I fall, because it is impending. I’ve hurt to many not to take dive, so I think now may be the time.

I think now though, someone’s going to think I hate myself. For all its worth, viewers of a vast minority, I do not. I love who I am and don’t care what I look like, but I feel inadequate to societies needs and wants. Was it my fault I ended up looking like this? No because I was innocence trapped when the skin started forming. But let me reiterate, I love who I am, I am just overwhelmingly confused with her

nov 27, 10 03 pm

so ive had some good times and some confusing times. i had thansgiving with alex and my mom and sister, and also with carl and his fam. both were very fun and stuff.

ive done some things in the past few days which im confused by. i shouldnt feel bad but i do.

i know im loved. i know. geh. im gonna be okay.

anywho, i am bored. nh sucks ass.

my dog kicks ass though.

heh heh heh.

ass.

1101 nov 23

woo

anywho, im home. wee.

nov 17, 232 pm

so yeah. today. it is today. mmhm.

so im going to NYC tomorrow to visit a friend of Carl's and mine. shes nice. we'll probably sleep there and leave the next morning. thats exciting cause carl ows me a hundred bucks... bah ha.. bah ha ha.. BAH HA HA HA!!! actually, i need to give it to my mom.. so that doesnt matter.

anyway.. its overcast and bright here... odd i know. god i want waffles. thatd be so good right now.

i think i should post my very first ever real flash cartoon that probably took a whole of 30 minutes to make. its rockin ROCKIN. i dont know how to post it, so i will have alex do it. wee wee wee wee wee wee.

wee wee!

wee wee!

i love how i dont have to use tags with this program. it does it all for me!! woo!! and it looks cool and theres so much more crap i can do with this than other crap blog/journal/site sites. yay! the excitement it overwhelming.

onto the next subject. a couple days ago (and im not sure why i didnt post this), i was at the mall and i was wearing my blue sarong, my saddle shoes, a pair of fishnets, a my dalamtion halloween tshirt and a bandana that i found in carls room that actually matchesmy sarong. well, some random lady was like 'i really like your outfit!' and was gushing about it for like two minutes. i had to explain to her i didnt make it, but she still absolutly loved it. i was like aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww thanks!!!! and that made my day; in fact, it is still making my day. and its been like three days.

well anyway, we cut off knaw. (yay for pastals!!)

1027 pm

you ever find it hard to articulate a thought that means a lot to you? like something you feel is insanely important but you can quite tell anyone your real thoughts on the subject? thats about correct with everything thats ever made me pissed.

because i dont feel like talking about myself... im gonna tell you about how cool dreamweaver is.. okay, well im not really gonna, im just gonna say i like watching the text at the top move around when i type. its freakin awesome. cut myself g00d, ya know?

on a completly unrealted note... my cousins alex and mackenzie rock outloud. thanks guys, for not sucking balls.

and apprently im still a skanky ho. hmm.. interesting...

man tuesday nights are boring. atleast i think its tuesday. im so high on coke right now, i cant tell night from day. though, i think im typing pretty well. you see, i figured i have nothing to lose anymore, not saying i had much to lose in the begining, so i took up some nice, dusty coke |she says with a southern accent and a tip of the hat|.

nah, im kiddin, im not on coke. im WAY to cheap to be. tricks i'll do for cash or coke, but hell if i buy it with my own money.

now i wonder, would people who didnt know me think i was being serious? couldnt tell ya.

fuck i canNOT wait to launch la forum. i can boot people! im like a forum god! its gonna be awesome! or lame, one or the other. BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AAAJBSJHEDUHODJOEHFBEDEHB HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AHAHBWDJGDH.....sorry, i got a little excited.

same date, the time is 512 pm

im using this crazy macromedia dreamweaver thing. its fuckin badass, cause im updating my site through it instead of angelfire... woo! but thats just how i role baby.

no more html or ftp. it does it all for me now. and it looks cool and makes me look smart. i should go to RIT and dick around in a lounge and update this peice cause frankly, dreamweaver makes me look so much cooler then before. and damn, biatch, i was pretty cool to begin with.

so anyway, lez talk about my weekend, shall we? first off, ive become somewhat of a party girl in my time. no i dont drink or smoke, but i go to parties A LOT. this specific party was rather amusing, however...|activate dream sequence|

so carl, jessica, eric, tank, dingus, bonesaw, andy, kim, snooz and i decided to go to a party in buffalo. after much fighting we decided that robin should go on double dare... i mean, should be the designated driver. anyway, i went with snooz in his car on the way down and chatted it up with andy. finally, after getting a bit lost in buffalo, we made it to the party where my friends commenced to get wasted. that was rather amusing. crazy times. but the point of my story is, i drove bonesaws five seater home. five seater. six people. huh. how did this work? you ask. well let me tell you.. bonesaw slept in his trunk. for the love of god, his trunk. i was afraid that some bitches in the ghetto were gonna busta cap in my car, hijack it and bonesaw would be in there. i think a phone call to him would have gone something like this...

"hey bonesaw. you still in the car? oh you are? well... we're not.."

anyway, after the nerve racking drive home, we all crashed, cause it was five in the morning...geh. but i look back on that story and its not all that amusing. its probably a 'you had to have been there' kinda story.. but his trunk, yo. his trunk.

novemeber 15, 251pm

wee! pirates! yay!!

same day, 448 pm

its very ominous here. the wind is blowing the trees, the sky is dark and heavy, rain, im sure is on its way. and here i am, on my own. the symphonies of coheed and cambria are carressing my lonely body as i wait. im waiting for two people. one came hither, but the other is still wafting ten minutes away for 3 and half more hours.

but i am patient. the sun is setting and the sky is becoming blacker. but i enjoy the dark. so its almost entertaining to watch the day set. its not like the summer when the day was bright then it was dark and night had come. right now, its a slur from day to dusk to night. the stars wont shine for a while though. the clouds are to thick.

but lo, my happiness in relishing lonely in the dark can only go so far. im a little home sick, id have to say. thats not strange though, i get home sick when i go away for more then an hour. but i think for now, instead of writing, im gonna stagnate somewhere, on account of i am very tired and i have conversations to tend to.

nov 7, 216 pm 2005

do you ever just hear a song that perfectly describes how you feel? i always thought that was an akward feet but that may be the more selfish side of me. nonetheless though, ive been coming across those songs more and more and more. ive also been finding songs that acuratly depict my friends too. lemme see here...i cant remember most of them, so i wont type them just yet, but nonetheless, i have found a few songs that are really reflecting my life. woooo spooky.

fucker i am always so goddamned tired. i think im gonna take a nap soon on account of my period is busting me up like none other. it doesnt hurt, but i just feel like im gonna pass out. plus i need to do laundry, wash dishes, sweep and organize....fun....you stupid bastards.

Nov 6, 255 am

i am fuckin tired.

i saw a west side esc rumble today. there was even snapping and coriorgraphed dancing.

i got new barbelles for my tongue. sadly, i cant poke anyone with the ball anymore.

i have felt sick today on account of i keep eating icecream.

the four roomies almost went to club extasy to watch some lives. one strip joint asked jessica what she looked like when she called to enquire the enternce age. she hung up on them, and they tried calling back twice.

i bought a plant at home depo. i am under the suspion, that one of the male roomates tampered with it...

i forced a no doz down carls throat today. jessica and eric gave me props for the dominence.

i am still fuckin tired.

nov 5, 334 am

is it right of me to feel bad right now, sitting here, in carl's house? is it right of me to care what people think, knowing full well thier thoughts change? i dont even know. but such negative things have been harmonizing themselves umongst my friends. first, beth, alex and skye dont think our friendship will last. this doenst bother me, on account of they all have very good reasons to think so. yes, everyone, we're not as close as we used to be, physically, and just because we all range from 30 minutes to 3 hours away doesnt mean our friendship will be taken for granted. secondly, alex wasnt said that astetcally, i wasnt what boys looked for in women, and tonight carl, in his own mind agreed with the notion. this makes me feel horrible, on account of i dont feel well about my face. but now, i feel even worse, that the boy who im currently bunking with wasnt initially attracted to me.

but what can i say? im a drama queen. i deserve the title. i dont care. i shouldnt care moreover. why cant i be like other girls, who can seduce boys despite what they look like and act like? jessy contantly assures me that i am pretty, and i do believe her. but shes not in a relationship with me. but i suppose i trust all my friends. so maybe they're all right. maybe im pushing them away, maybe i am ugly, maybe im not.

nonetheless, i am not feeling well at all. its sucks to be depressed and have to confide in my journal instead of a human being. they've all heard it before. most of them make way to many assumptions and thus hurt thier opinions of people i like a lot. but what can i do, ther is nothing i think.

at this point, i think i am overreacting supremely. maybe i am pmsing. its pathetic to blame things like mental fears on a monthly hormonal flux. i trust people. i really do. but i am scared. i am terrified. rejection does not complement me well. but does it to anyone?

i still need to pee. i was complaining about that a while ago to pj on aim. and i still have to go. im a little afraid to pee here, on account of if anyone walked in i would possibly have a hard attack and die. seriously, i havent peed with someone in the room for many years. i did the other day with jessy in the presence, but there were certain reasons for that... i dont feel like talking about them...

im done.

kizznat.

nov 4, 2005 414 pm

man, i love this song...

anywho, im chillen here at carl's place, waiting intently for him to get home. we're gonna go food shopping. thank fucking god. but 'nough about me...

i got blisters from hemp on my fingers. god im cool.

so hmm.... an interesting topic... hmm... interesting.... not boring... interesting.... hmm....

okay, here we go, even though this is about me, i think its a rather funny story to tell. well, the fact of the matter is, no one read's this anyway, well, no one has told me they have. so i can write any peice o shit crap i want, mother fuckers. so heres a story about last night....

the night was calm, a little chilly, but the heat of my laptop warmed me sufficiantly. so i had been talking with this guy on okcupid for a little while. he seemed alright, kind of a laid back chill man. he had a stern face and long hair; he was very angular. so he convinced me to download yahoo cam and shit, and after some romancing of the software, we got things going. so i watched him, somewhat and by somewhat i mean i didnt cause the man never smiled, and he watched me, intently it would appear. so this man was very advid on making me strip for him. he asked me if i wanted to see his cock and if he could see my breastises..i declined, and being a bit horrified, i smiled and acted niave. in the end, because i am getting way to fuckin lazy to type, he started masterbating and i decided to go. HA MOTHERFUCKER.

nov 3,155 pm, 2005

Is she dope? Yep, ass in full effect, she walks into the room and all the guys come down with strep, thinking they can step, their hands get wet with sweat, but she been down with me since Fett's Vette. She's a hard drinker, lollipop licker, pistol packin' mama got me posed like the thinker, she's gold like the Aztecs or is it the Incas, she calls the shot and the shot be cunnilingus. She's heaven sent on the Xbox playing Halo, wish that she would clean my pipes like she was draino, wish she wasn't hotter than a plate of jalapenos, I feel like a kid that wants to eat like it's play-dough, you shouldn't, 'cause that shit be bad for your health, take one look at her and you'll be screaming for help, call up the police, say put me in a cell, I can't resist this dish, I'm under Emily's spell, if you couldn't already tell, I loved every iota, Yoda shoulda told me she was off to South Dakota, one more yacht bird flew the coop I guess old Gordy done screwed the pooch.

Only thing I love more

Than herb is the bird

But my luck's kinda fucked

It's a wonder that I flirt

But I do and I will

'Cause I'm still just a nerd

Ever been left behind

Let me hear ya say word

Only thing I love more

Than herb is the bird

But my luck's kinda fucked

It's a wonder that I flirt

But I do and I will

'Cause I'm still just a nerd

Ever been left behind

Let me hear ya say word

She's a go getter, dressed in sweater, we watched Blackhawk down together, her name's Heather, there's no better, didn't want her to go, but I had to let her, I started a yacht club, can't believe she showed up. Scholiosis chick, one fake tit, always bitin' her lip, always walkin' with a limp, always talkin' shit, always beggin' to kiss 'cause you can't resist the lips of an MC Chris. We only had a month to hump, it was rough, she was the first one that brought over a toothbrush, she missed home, horses in the barn, life was sucking so Kentucky was pulling her arm, just one bird that got away, keep up to date by checking her LJ, on my birthday, she bought me chucks, not only does it blow, it totally sucks.

Only thing I love more

Than herb is the bird

But my luck's kinda fucked

It's a wonder that I flirt

But I do and I will

'Cause I'm still just a nerd

Ever been left behind

Let me hear ya say word

Only thing I love more

Than herb is the bird

But my luck's kinda fucked

It's a wonder that I flirt

But I do and I will

'Cause I'm still just a nerd

Ever been left behind

Let me hear ya say word

Her name was LB

she was an actress

I filled up her

spaces like madlibs

way above average

she was just a sad kid

so I couldn't help

but give the girl my address

she lived in Texas

like to get messed up

like to tease the boys

so she always got dressed up

like to get in fights

with the truckers at the rest stops

she was top notch

and her bod was the best part

fan of mine, summer time

dropping me a line

sounded kinda cute

couldn't help but reply

chilling in her pool

squinting at the sky

cell phone rings

mc chris says hi

soon we're talking everyday

flirtin' up a storm

plans to road trip

I say word is born

and my mind's set on porn

and I think I'm gonna score

I get down on all fours

start scrubing all the floors

then I get all nervous

that an accident is imminent

never have a chance to relax

and get intimate

arrives at my drive

I sigh, get all shy

so we all get all high

walk down to little five

do a shot, buy some pot

take a seat on the street

she's cute and she's nice

and she's hot and she's sweet

and she makes the first move

'cause I'm set on defeat

then I tongue lap her flaps

'til she snaps and she screams

and she just leaves

and I'm kinda relieved

no OD's, VD's

hearts on my sleeve

not a stalker just a talker

ass tight as weave

once a newbie now a groupie

double clickin' on me

Only thing I love more

Than herb is the bird

But my luck's kinda fucked

It's a wonder that I flirt

But I do and I will

'Cause I'm still just a nerd

Ever been left behind

Let me hear ya say word

Only thing I love more

Than herb is the bird

But my luck's kinda fucked

It's a wonder that I flirt

But I do and I will

'Cause I'm still just a nerd

Ever been left behind

Let me hear ya say word

WORD

oct 24, 123 am, 2005

oh man, BEST DAY! things are good. finally. good good good! YAYAYAY

hmm, but enough about me, lez talk about you.

how are you today?

your reply

oh? any problems lately?

your reply

i see. anything on your mind?

your reply

your reply

how does tha make you feel?

your reply

yes, sometimes that thought occures in this kind of situation. so, how about your childhood? did your dad or mum raise you?

your reply

did you prefer the opposite parent to raise you?

your reply

why?

your reply

(cut them)

i see. do you have a current significant other?

your reply

how does THAT make you feel?

your reply

indeed. have you ever had thoughts of rulling the world?

your reply

ah yes, thats common. how about killing people?

your reply

i killed a man once.

your reply

good thing your reading this only. cause i hate people.

your reply

oct 24th, 1109 am

so in my last entry, i was right. i had all the reason in the world to be pissed and i still am. insanely pissed. respect points went flying out the window, along with some faith points, sanity points and charisma points.

if this were Robin's D&D, my stats would looks something like this:

LOG: 2

STR: 2

RES: 2.5

FTH: 1

SAN: .5

CHAR: 0

AGL: 5

and some other stuff i wont worry about. nonetheless, im sad, im hurt, i feel betrayed and whatnot. whos playing the victim now? not me!! was i ever? its a possibily. but nonetheless, thanks you two, for making my weekend blow, skyes weekend blow and making me feel dirty and disgusted with you and myself.

on a different topic, see me (and other) at www.vampirefreaks.com hopefully were i can meet people who are like me and stuff. guess my user name. its pretty much obvious. ive already met people. and im glad, because the last forum i joined...welp....lets put it this way:

SUCK MY MOTHER FUCKING BALLS WEEN.NET! YOU FUCKING TWISTED ASSHOLES!

i hate them cause the banned one of my names for no reason.

anywho, i got a new car. and a new sweatshirt. and a new outlook on life. good thing i have listerine and razor blades!!

am 20. Oktober, 414 pm

So in dieser Woche ist nicht gut gegangen. So erscheine ich, darüber auf Deutsch um warum nicht zu schreiben? Auf diese Weise werde ich mich so egoistisch nicht fühlen, weil ich weiß, dass kein Stock das liest. Dennoch hier ist es im HTML-Format für Sie veiwing Vergnügen.Ich werde als Hölle betont. Meine unwissenden Eltern werden nicht mich zu Rochester gehen lassen, weil sie Angst haben, bin ich dabei, vergewaltigt zu werden. In anderem neuem gehen Beth und Alex ein Datum-Ding weiter. Nicht wirklich ein Datum aber erschreckt es mich dennoch. Ich meine, ich habe noch Gefühle für Alex, aber keiner sorgt sich... Ich will nicht mehr jetzt schreiben. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein. Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein.Ich bin ein egoistisches Schwein.

oct 10, 728 pm.

so obbviously i wam writing in the dark. i get no reply to any of what i am saying. i figured this may concern someone, saying things like "kill me" in large font on my main page. but i am not worth it apprently. i sit here, sometimes in this chair, and i write twisted entries of life, saying talking about myself is boring and the like. but lately, this journal, this unprivate, uncarred for journal carries my sins for the world to see.

so many things act as a crutch for me. this is not one of them, but i use it so that the more dangerous substances and instances dont get to me all the time. but still, i sit at my glowing laptop, typing on my keyboard, alone, in the dark while i wait for someone to care, to pretend to care, to pretend to even pretend. the fact of the matter is that no one reads this, because no one cares for this. i am a hurt soul and i am alone and no one thinks to help me.

but lo, as i wander into oblivion, into the night where i hope to get eating m a sabage, hungry animal, i think of people ive known, of people ive seen, or heard or had any type of impact on me.

for instance, karate in 8th grade gym class, with his false thumping heart. my veternarian, who also looks so distant when he put down my horse, my cat. megan and beth, who punked with me for many years then us three found ourselves. my dog rose, who has always been some sort of security for me.

i think of so much, the insane amount of love i have for people, the way so many people take advantage of it. but forgiveness comes with love. remember that.

but anyway, i may be alone right now, in the hundreds of fathoms in my mind, but i will cope as i pray for everyone to understand where i am comming from. they havent yet, but in time im sure they will. i have made it through so many disasters in my life: highschool, cancer, sickness, death. but i am still here, confused, weakened, hurt to hell, but i am here. please, to anyone out there, join me not under pain, but under friendship.

oct 9th, 1252 pm

today, i will gripe. i will gripe about life, exsistance, the futile struggle i am having with myself.

days have been long, hard, obnoxious and they are not getting better. dad, once again is back in the hospital and i have very little support. currently, people are to wound up in thier sad little lives that they only give me threads of hope. have you ever looked death in the eyes, and swore that you will defy him? i bet you havent.

i am not a healthy person right now. ive drawn my razor and it is more than willy to suck my blood. so i come to you for attention. i come to whoever reads this pathetic little site. i am ready to damage myself. i am ready to take the perverbial blade and slice through my heart in a mirrow so i can watch myself bleed. i have been exiled. from my friends, from my home, from even something as trivial as the internet. for what reason? you tell me, considering im sure one of you who reads this knows what i am talking about.

i dont want to sulk, i dont want to be selfish, but i am wasting away in my little house. luckily for you though, you wont have to deal with me much longer. i am moving back to rochester, where i can get away from what makes me miserable and where you dont have to look at my rot anymore.

so who ever you are, whoever reads this, know its probably not your fault... but than again, maybe it is...

sept 26, 411 pm

im using a blog. you can get to it from the home page. i dont know if im gonna continue with the blog on account of i like tagging things. plus i dont know how much freedom there is with it, but on the bright side...i have carrots on the top of my page. suck it.

sept 19, 342 pm

i am a patient boy, i wait i wait i wait i wait i wait.

so i did go to that frat party. boy was it bad ass. and then the next night, i revisited the House and we played some beer pong. man i couldnt get a ball in a cup if i tried. beer is nasty though, i have a more refined taste in alcohol. if you know what it is, youve obbviously never met me in real life.

so im dont wanna talk about myslelf. i have about 4 hours until carl gets home. though he may be going to the house when he does, but i will probably follow his ass.

so i have never seen the show "nip/tuck" and i kinda regret that. it looks really good, and considering i have like surgery fetish, i would probably get a thrill outta it. however, it came out the same time some other show i didnt likecame out, so by the power of asociation, i didnt watch it.

oh man, seth is on the plane to ireland. good for him, i hope he has fun. i'll miss the little bugger. janes on that plane too, but its possible its a different plane, but they are indeed doing the same program. i hope they get the ass laid outta them.

wow, apprently when clinton was in office, marijuana was approved to be used in medical purpouses only. go poly shore.

im tired. nyquil is nice. im going to bed once poly's off.

sept16, 1246 pm

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION, THAT THIS IS THE LAMETS SITE EVER.

and in other news, im going to the social occasion of the century. wouldnt you like to know what it is. well, lets just say, im surei will get violated in so many ways.

enough about that. im eating red doriots now (cause those are the only ones worth eating...accept for maybe green) and it sayson the bag, "NOW BETTER TASTING". thats like saying before they were crap. wo what they should have wrote was, "NOW LESS OF A RIP OFF!" but then again, i did pay 5 bucks for the bag.

man, the shuffle on winrip blows. it thinks that "shuffle" means "repeat the same damn song 3 time". i didnt pay for the software though, i think it just came with dante. couldnt tell ya.

so yeah...its pouring rain here. its a little obnoxious but i like the rain. OH MAN! I HAVE A YAOI ICON!! ahem...i think im gonna go find a pic to post in here. cause i want some thing amusing. hmmm.... i feel i had something once but i cant remember now.

my memory is s shot. its like i am an old pot head. good thing im only doing acid every so often, cause otherwise i would be worried.

just now, i had made a peanut butter sandwich. and when i looked at my hand to eat it...it was gone and i had a full sensation in my stomach. it was a looking disturbing for me. and by a little, i mean a lot. and that i hate you.

man, these red doritos hit the g-spot.

so i am comming home next weekend. i dont know when but i am. then after that, i will probably take off again, cause i made a microcosm for myself. im actually thinking about taking classes at RIT, but we'll see. we'll see. im sure certain people withh celebrate ;).

i want alex tocome on so we can play some scrabable. SCRABABLE. ya know, ive called it scrabable for a while. but looking into it, it says "babble" (without the extra and may i add lame ass b). and thats what scrable is all about, babbling letters around a plastic (or digitized) board. thats like an orgasm for the mind.

and on a closing note, theres a movie out which i think is about AIM killing people. why paramount why.

and with that....die.

sept 9, 1028 am

fuck yes, dad is in remission. it was long, hard, painful and at times quite horrible, but dad is better. ive never had to face my mortality like that before, id also say that ive never seen anybody go through cancer like that before. but its all good. life is good.

such wonderful things have been happening since pop came outta the hospital. ive faux moved to NY at RIT where i can socialize with PJ and where i cna hang with some immediate friends. i love it here, i think i may take classes here. god thatd be so fun, cause im assured a house and then i can get money from my parens and start my schooling here considering they have an excellent art program. its like the biggest building they have. insane i know. im starting to consider going to school again. and i can basically do anything here (save cosmotology)... but we'll see. im sure i'll fuck up anyway ;)

aug 229, 112 am

ill cut you.

aug 20, 1125 pm

dad is still in the hospital. they dont know when hes comming out...

happier times, im going to rochester NY for a few weeks/months with my boy carl.

this should be fun.

i dont have much more to write.

aug 13, 756 pm

i am accepted.

my dads still in the hospital.

care.

im contimplating moving to NY with a friend.

i think i have a headache and im dizzy.

for obbvious reasons.

anyway, i finally went swimming. actually twice: once with erica and carl and once with carl, jessy, paul, jenna, astrid and company. me and jessy swam some cigarettes to the boys on the dock. we Linked it up, if you know what i mean. carl is so hot. and fun. and sane. SANE. he gave me a hemp neclace and it is beautiful. hes a good egg.

aug 2nd, 330 pm

man, i have been craving cereal for like hours. man, am i hungry. i havent had a real meal in about 2 weeks. yay for being anorexic!!

need to go swimming.

i hate you.

god i am hungry. i wonder if i have food. man i doubt it. oh man, im craving a certain something with a certain someone. can you guess what it is? for once i wont give you a hint. DAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

july 25, 937 pm

getting worse and better every day...

on a lighter note, i had one of THE most fabulous weekends ive had in like years. YEARS DAMN IT. carl, you are a fabulous (and sexy, stress on the sexy) man. nonetheless, i had a good time with a kid named danny. i hope you got my number....

maybe next time i will let loose just a little more. but it was fun being the only none drunk there. i felt neat. and loved, well loved. so many people i wanted to do. so many. im gonna go in my room and masturbate for like 3 hours. ciao.

july 25th, 1232 am

boo.

july 19, 616. pa's birthday.

today i am going to talk about myself. times are not good at my residence. apparently my dad has a blood clot in his leg. he has to take lots of pills for something like 6 months. he also has to shoot the old hypodermic. now dont ask me what any of this is for, my mom said it was for blood thining but other than that, i am as clueless as ever.

this really bothers me. like usual, i fear the worst, but i should now. and so much negativity is happening around me. the last thing i need is for one of my parents to be sick. but he'll be okay. theres no reason for him not to be. he's a healthy individual and is recieving the proper care. i just hope nothing drastic is going to happen. but we wont talk about that, will we...?

on a lighter note, im going to maine with jessy and paul and hopefully carl. this will be saturday. whoopie. and that wasnt even sarcastic. but thenn thursday im going to the airport and thankfully two of my friends are accompying (sp?) with me because it will be at 430 in the am's. now i knwo that this is pretty damn boring, but really im just typing it so i know what im doing. and then tomorrow my friends are comming at noon and 8ish. hmm... i need to call skye.

july 18, 412 pm

its that time again, when i wanna cut my wrists and ankels off and thus sow my hands and feet back on again. not good times for me. but as ive stated before, no one cares to hear my gripe, youve all either heard it before or just dont want to hear of it now. that doesnt make for a good website.

so once again, i ponder what would be an interesting story or tale to put on here. nothing really comes to mind. but give me a moment and i will think of something. hmm... i think i may put a picture of a dead baby on the top of this page...or maybe the bottum....ANYWAY, i hate my life.

hmm...

hmm...

hmm...

well, i'll just write a story then:

"Rabbits, or as I like to call them, Bunnies"

In the forest green where the trees are lush and the animals are fat,

there lived an old women with her very old cat.

upon her lap the cat did sleep,

until she died and the cat did weep.

the cat cried for thirty eight days

until he flooded he house as it decayed.

so he moved from the manner, north of his home,

to find a new woman, he could call his own.

on a quest he went for thirteen full weeks,

until his skin was thin and his body was meek.

he awoke that same day, much to a surprise,

to find a bunny, a chicken and a vole with doe eyes.

"my name is hansel" said the bunny

"my name is edgar" said the chick

"my name is elanore repart eolise mc shick."

the cat looked up and stared in confusion

as the animals recited thier names to his delirium.

so the cat stood up and shook all thier hands

told them of his quest to far away lands.

the bunny offered to make some stew

and the vole offered to pitch in too.

the chicken said she'd fetch thier good ladel,

and the vole went off to get a kedel.

"you mustnt worry about me" said old cat

"i am suited to eat that dead rat."

but as he munched on the dead beast,

the animals had concoted a feast.

the cat said "what the hell" and grabbed a big platter

but to his disdain the kettle did splatter.

it burned poor edgar who was stirring the pot,

it singed poor elenore whos hand did get caught

in the ketel as it burned and she shrieked

and hansel tried to help but instead caused more grief.

the cat stared in confusion but decided to help

so he pulled elenores hand out as she cried and she yelped.

but in the end, they were all fine.

accept for poor edgar who theyd left behind.

he cried in agony, as his eyes were on fire

no one knew what to do as the flames grew higher.

im done with this lame poem. i was gonna end it in all the little creatures turning into ravenous monsters and killing the forest or something. but im WAY to lazy. so you can enjoy what i had.

july 14, 501 pm

it smells like my ferrets down here.

im watching the princess bride. a movie every man on the planet should see, learn you some real social skills. anyway, i hate writing these lame little entries about myself or what ive been doing (so on and so forth) because to me, that leads to an excrusiatingly boring website. thats why i never search the internet, unless i know what im looking for specifically. anyway, before i do a hypocritical run around, ive decided to do something a little more fun here. what yet, i dont know. so im gonna continue watching the princess bride till i figure it out.

oh heres something a bit disturbing. i will try to recreate the report, so bear with me.

a man was tried the other day for the murders of 5 people: parents, and thier ten year old son and thier two younger children. the parents were tortured, sufficated with pillow cases and slshed bloodiliy untilly they died. the ten year old was killed in the same fashion, only his head was hammered in and then severed from his body. the crime scene investigators found chunks of the family scattered throughout the urban home and vast trails of blood. the two smalled children were kidnapped and presumed dead. it was only later that a resturaunt employee spotted the girl and the man an called 911. the man was arrested and the young girl was released to the rest of her family. the police assumed that she was sexually abused and that her brother was murdered in front of her.

the more bizarre part of this story is the man's past. by the age of 15, he had raped and murdered three girls. later he had created these websites that depicted torturing people he knew. the murderer claimed demons had taken over between the time he went to jail for the three women and the time he killed the family. they are still trying to figure out what is wrong with the man.

i hope that wasnt to unpleasently graphic for you light weights.

july 1, 930 pm

i have a funny story about the urologist. but im to lazy to tell, considering i think the people who read this already know the story in excrutiating detail. so instead, i will write some nonesense, like i like to do. in fact, we'll go a little beyond that, and write what i like and why!! fun!........(kinda).

i like the sims 2. it makes me feel powerful.

i like my dog, she makes me feel happy.

i like tv, it makes me feel like im doing something.

i like flowers, they give my nose a reason to exsist.

i like potatoes, they make my tummy happy.

i like drugs, they make me feel wanted by the pharmasist.

i like tiled floors, they make me respect patterns.

thats it. and now i remember why i liked a horrendous show such as 'american dad'...because it makes me remember the transitive property.

june 29, 1108 am

ya know whats sad; when people try to banish certain individuals from thier minds. i always thought that that was depressing. considering thats probably one of the worst things you can do to yourself. considering, you could always confront those demons, cause it the end it feels good, just to a.) know you talked to that person and hopefully settled something or b.)so you can give them what for and so they completly know why your upset. but then again, people are confusing. life is confusing. thats why im ending it. soon, i hope.

i fucking hate myself.

you ever plot to do something but then one tiny thing gets in the way? well that happened to me this morning. im not gonna tell you what, cause the only people who read this could just ask, but nonetheless, i though of my dog, and i cried a little and i clenched onto the blankets. it was rather disdainful, but then again...

so anyway, i had this dream last night where beth and i and some other people went to NYC to this conglomreate of a chinese food industry. the point of the story is that in my dream i went "oh i love this place, me and my mom have come here before" or something like that. because i have had that same place in other of my dreams involving NYC. and trust me two people who read this, i have had a lot of dreams about new york city...maybe its cause i like smog.

but this brings me into the dreams i had sophomore year. for months, about every night, i had dreams about the apocolipse. they were very bizarre. things got possessed by evil spirits, zombies hundreds of years old (and older) scrapped thier way up from the dirt. the world was in chaos. i would tell them to you...well, in actuality i could. it might be a neat little saga. maybe i will do that on my own laptop and (oh, im not on my pc btw, im waiting for my friend to awake) and like send em here. or send it here. depending on how many li'le stories i make.

anyway, my neck hurts. it feel like someone bit it real hard when i wasnt looking. my lower i lid hurts too...|thinks of gordon tracy|. it also feels like i put this t-shirt on while i was still half wet, so you can just imagine the humidity in the cube. youde think there would be good airflow here, considering every like what, 30 minutes some part of it moves. but lo, its just dank in here and hot. freakin hot. so hot, im gonna cut my arms off (well, maybe just one and a foot) to leak out some of the boiling blood thats making my innerds steamy.

thats it for now, cause im getting bored of this.

june 28. 25.43. am

intenetly i watch my aim poppers go up, and down, and up, and down. they remind me of a fickle young man. but nonetheless, here i am again, late at night, tired, sick, and waiting for tomorrows morning. maybe then, something better will come of this internal storm.

wednesday i have a urology appointment. finally, i will be cured...maybe not finally, but hopefully, and if they do so figure out what hath been destroying what nerves i have left and what protective tissue is still in my urogenital system, i will go home and pray to my Patron Saint, Madron for helping me. he's a good egg, and a hermit, like what i wanna be!! anyway, i will be well. because im so damn sick of being sick. its unnatural. id say it was karmic, but i know worser people with better health than me.

nonetheless, i am going to be less ill. im done.

june 26, 1109 pm

what the hell is cpr indeed. hm...i dont have much to write about today. i am feeling pretty uncaring. cause i dont care about anything. which is a good thing cause if i did, i probably would hang myself from that little pole thing in my living room. ide probably tie something soft and nice around my neck...maybe like...velvet, its strong its durable and quite fashionable from the girl ready to die. anyway, then ide tie it to the pole using the couch. ide go upstairs, retrieve the rope and then tie it around my neck while sitting on the balcony. pinning a note that says "eh, i didnt feel like living anymore. it was boring and stressful. love robin" id slip of the ledge to my imenent demise. the problem with this is that the pole is pretty close the the ground along with the balcony, so id be hanging for a while, struggling to breath..well, not struggling..but kinda waiting to die. i suppose a more effeciant way to die would be to stick ym head under my nice, soft bed and then make it fall on me. id suffer for a bit, but my room is secluded and i dont socialize with my family a lot, so no one would find me until well after my death. buts its a good thing im not suicidal. im also not that selfish. i love my friends and i have way to much respect for humanity to kill myself. i may hate people, but that doesnt mean im lame enough to die by my own hands. plus i love my dog. a lot. and then the image of my parents and the image of my friends, all destressed at my funeral, either ignoring my burned neck or crushed head kinda hurts me. even people who dont like me or didnt know me well...itd make them think. and regret. or atleast empathize. nah. i would never kill myself.

on a lighter note. this has got to be an emmensly happier thought. considering...well...you know. anyway. instead of talking more, i will write a short story. here goes:

[once upon a time, well actually it was yesterday around 2 o'clock. in a bakery, there was a girl, with long ebony hair and bright green eyes. she lived in the bakery actually, but on a boring afternoon, in the boring depths of hell that is commonly referred to as New York, a strange man waltzed into the bread shop and sat down at a stool in the front. she looked at him inquisativly as he stared at the oven, stuffed with toasting mounds of doe. she gestered to him, enquiring what he would like to purchase, and the mysterious man nodded toward some pink-frosted sugar cookies. he held up five fingers and a thumb to imply how many he wanted. by now, the girl couldnt figure out why he had been so mysterious. maybe it was his black coat that contrasted with the colonial settings of the bakery. or maybe it was his shiney brown skin that seemed almost demonic. maybe it was the horns protruding out of his forhead that would indicate demonics. but lo, none of those phased the girl. it was something else. as the girl handed him the cookies, she noticed the man chewing on his fingernails. before she had notcied his skin, his horns, maybe possibly the tail, protruding from his pants then poking out his jacket, but she hadnt noticed the red fingernails he had been chewing on. maybe thats what had seemed so off about the man. "sir," she asked politly. he looked up with large eyes and 'mm'ed at her. "what color nailpolish is that?" he looked at his hands and pondered for a moment. "i think its 'hellfire red'. but i could be wrong". he payed the younge lady then walked out the door. she watched him intensly, as he ate his six cookies elegantly. he then tore his coat off yelled ferocously and thus commenced to rampage the city. she watched the flames arise from cars and from houses and buildings. she watched the blood splatter that drenhced the streets red. she watched mutilated people, frantically running for saftey. the girl sighed to herself. "i wonder where he got that nailpolish."]

i know it makes no sense. im sure it has errors cause im lazy. but hell if it doesnt confuse and baffle the minds of many.

june 23, 239 pm

.

june 13, 8:55 pm

im off to NJ tomorrow. my cousin alex is graduating 8th grade. jenn moved out. i got my webcam. i am bored. hmm, interesting i know. currently im waiting for someone interesting to come online, cause im lonely. im probably gonna go fetch my laptop and play sims2 cause its rather amusing. yeah, that sounds good. wish me luck.

*=LUCK=*

june 9th, 2:34 am

so i just came back from NY city today. i bought a lot of asian clothing and some other stuff, though i cant rightly remember what....oh and i saw hairsprai and it was so fucking cool. umm....and then i got a bad BAD BAAD BAAAAADDD case of prickly heat, and now im going to the doctors tomorrow.yay prescriptions.

i got my new laptop today.believe you me. it is G0d.

and now, im done...

may 31, 3:36

4 MOTHER FUCKING DAYS!!

anyway, i have things to do, ferrets to look at, beds to sleep on...whatever.

may 25, 8:03 pm

so alexandros sent some #finalfight...uh...people here. to my disdain i have probably discrased every good looking website in the nation. however the mere concept of me having a webpage, is still quite astonishing to my mind, considering its been alive for like 2 years now. the interest has gone down, i blame you livejournal, but with all the crap i like to put on this site (mouse rollover, rainbow text, scrolling words, picture links, POLLS DAMMIT) i figure in time it will be slightly popular again. just now for a while, i shall be talking to myself. myself. myself.

so i bought a laptop computer yesterday. it shall be comming in the mail probably next month. that means im gonna station myself next to a wifi terminal and again..be here..where i pretend to live. anywho, my computer is such a peice of mesmorizing beauty, i need to go masturabate before i can procede with whatever else im going to drool about.

...

...

...

...

okay, im done. so i think im gonna go to otakon this summer, along with ddddduuuuhhhhh some other crap. and because i cant seem to remember the name, im gonna stop right now.

while im ahead.

anyway, winter keeps seenzing, i think the dust from his rug hammock is getting to him. infact, im gonna wash it right now. until we meet again.

may 19th, 308 pm

so i have twelve real days of school left. twelve mother fucking days. and to all you readers out there (xander), your all invited to me and skyes partang.

fill me up, butter cup.

so theres this kid i really wanna do. and i think im gonna...in time in time |imagines reagan form the exsorcist.| nonetheless, im gonna whore my self out on the streets, i figure, a buck a blow, ten a fuck and like thirteen for anal. anal backwords is lana. anywho, i need to bring a current even in for la psycho. ah psych, good stuff it is...sadly i will haveta take my final. boo hoo.

hhhuuuuhhhh. im at a lack of things to say for once. how about, my house is lame. i have a border...<_<...>_>...my parents are a little...little...everyone knows the story. anywho, ive been taking advantage of being 18 and going to peoples houses on the weekdays. mainly i just visit alex and then we go to kens or travis's and the like and so on and so forth forth forth. alex has lovely friends. they make me relax...which could be good or bad, but nevertheless, they are incredably hot so its okay.

the drugs i have been taking for my infection make me dizzy. though ive been getting better, the mere thought of eating is making me ill. so all in all, using ironic conditioning, eating more then my a third of the capacity i used to, makes me really sick.

but speaking of food, i had such an awesome pizza last night. god GOD. i loved it. it had barbque sauce instead of marinara (which whom i hate). man, i gotta pee. and my periods almost over. celebrate. CELEBRATE DAMN IT. so now i think im gonna search angelfire to find something fun to put on here. its doubtful i will...but who knows...

hippity hop. over.

may 17th, six fifty eight pea em.

dubba dub dub

well, im finally on birth control again. took the fucking gynocologists long enough to figure out i needed it. I have code named them...well, lets just say i code named it. Nonetheless, ignoring that i have horrendous periods, they gave me the drugs because im sexually capable. and trust me, i hope i level up soon. still, i thought that that was rather ubsurd because my continuous rants of pain in the abdomin and back have gone unheaded. but the fun i get out of it, is that i get to meet 2 new GYNs. considering that i have had a whole of 4 GYNs 2 GPs and a womens doctor all in the last two years. and after repeatidly comming back to them all, with the same problems, youde think that they would get the hint THAT SOMETHINGS WRONG. well, rather then specifically tell them, i will just annoy the ASS out of them until thier bums look like a peice of cardboard.

on a lighter note, i wrote this comic today in one of my independent art classes. i call it "identitiy crisis" and i based it after me when i got prince of persia one. when i post it, i think everyone will like it and it will give an air of familiaraty to when i was completly enthrolled if not addicted to that lovely remake of jesus. by the by, go look up "jezus" on the neterang. some interesting pictures of vaginas come up.

so i am going to post prom pics soon, to all you faithful viewers out there |counts on fingers| i know who you are, sickos. should i be really geeky and make a shoutouts page!? email me about that. cause i totally will. heloveskamue@gmail.com yes bitches. gmail. who has gmail here? none of you...(save the one who gave it to me...wow, sounds like herpes)

gmail is really bitchen. it takes the world of email up to the Gods of forums. i enjoy it. to bad ben and jerry's are the only ones emailing me. the sad life i lead. oh so sad.

so my ferrets are finally getting a bigger cage. thanks, badoodle. this way i dont have to let them run rampant to often. i will anyway, but just in case...your mom.

not much to say about that subject.

man, i havent updated like this in a while. though i have a concern that i am the only one reading it. again friends, heloveskamue@gmail.com hit me, hit me like you mean it.

ooooh...

ut, ferrets need more foodio. welp, maybe not, i'll give em some before i leave. ya know, utz chips make the most bizarre flavored chips like ever. ketchup. salt n pepper (like the band mind you). some other crap. butn its all so good, so good, im gonna kill myslef july 7th.

so as a psych project, im gonna try to convince myself that im gonna die on july 7th. though im not sure how healthy that is, its still gonna be a good challange. then i shall write a thesis on it, then a novel. and then your mom.

so i saw an anime called "Appleseed" last night. it seems to me, that the ENTIRE film was based on porno. though there was no actual sex scenes, the point of appleseed was to give biosomethings thier like...reproductive attitudes...? so im all "is there like porn in there? maybe viagra?" then i cut myself for being so stupid. but i watched it with a few of the men folk, and kenny made this crack about the elders that made me laugh so hard i was tearing up. but in fear of looking like an acoustic child (thats for you seth), i bit my lip really really hard. and after that, for a good 20 minutes, any time anyone said ANYTHING remotly funny, it sent me into this spiral of laughter, and i think my lip swelled a little. damn elders.

i alos watched AVP. there are no spider webs thousands of feet below the frozen ice tundras. lies.

may 13. 357 am.

oh yes, bitches, oh yes. i saw Jesus in concert. I saw the eyes of God look down on me, as i stared in awe at the Neo Messiah. The man who will one day bring us all to revelation, who will save us from the Rapture, who will teach us all there is to know about being human. I saw...

NINE INCH NAILS.

Trent Reznor. I Love You.

may 3rd, 6:03 pm

so i went to an anime convention, actually it was anime boston. saw georgettay there and stuff. and i bought shit. i am so clever and so funny, that i wanna do myself.

anyway, so i met many-a people there. god, everyone HOT WAS THERE!!!! i met a bunch of chldren who go to an all boys school (skye, you'll love that). they were all EXTREMLY HOT! i wanna do them. and i made out with SIr Bentastico. cause i am god. actually...im not, but i can dream...and i will...while i cream my panties. anyway, me and beth and jessy are watching tv. good ol tv. never hurt a soul. UNLESS YOU TAKE OFFENSE TO EVERYTHING! LOSER! LOSER!! HA HA YOUR MOMS DEAD!.....ahem...

damn, ben was fine..well, still is. he gave me a nice hicky, sadly its fading...but...|dies|

i wish i had a molt ball machine. just cause i like the word molt ball. JESSY SPIT ON HER FACE. anyway, im in such a good mood right now, yelling at my parents and then screaming to myself is fun.

my ferrets are so cute. they can be a little bit insane some times, but, s'all good. they are like spazmatic little um....things. and they smell like musk. my shirt smells like musk too. but its good musk, like sexy musk. its actually my new yaoi shirt which i was raving in. raving mad in, i mean. no, seriously, i meant i was raving at a rave in. and everyone was sweaty and smelly but it was clean sweat, plus everyone there was adorable. none the less, im done for now, im gonna find a way to make a guest book and a poll, so i shalt be doing that now..maybe

3/22, 7:44 pm

ive decided to put all that stuff behind me. or in a more literal sense, below me. its time to start new. new with age, new with the end, new with the begining.

things have been stressful. life has been upsetting. the year hasnt started all that well, but everything has its ups and downs. school is comming to an end and i am alone in it. unlike my friends, i am not going to college. i am not doing anything. i will live out my dream as a free lance artist. im going back to new jersey. there i dont haveta pay rent or buy food. considering my parents wont pay for an apartment for me, they wont buy me a laptop and they dont have the faith in me to live on my own. so im going back to new jersey. at least there, i can pretend to grow up, have a simulation environment, but really its all nothing to me. i wont make it nay where in life. i have no ambition. i just wanna crawl into a hole and die. well, maybe not die. but crawling into a hole would be appatizing.

i feel so neglected. my birthday was strange. yeah, i had a small girls party, and it was bitchen, but i still feel like my family just didnt care so much. i hate my birthday. i have for a long time.

so yeah, in a nutshell, things happen, life is bizzare, people are unstable. but i grow. ive been growing up for the last nine months. knowing that all my friends are seperating, that i may have to leave my loves, my dog, my family soon is very foriegn to me, considering that i get afraid to leave home over night. ive become paranoid in my last couple of months. but im just afraid. im afraid fro everyone around me. blackberry was a hit for me. but i will cope, i have coped.

enough ranting for now. i think i'll say something nice. i randomly smelled apple juice. it was good for a moment, then it was gone. and apparently health food unleashes the beast within. hmm.... interesting.

Here be and forever will stay, until that time comes when this site is to crappy to keep, I am Robin, utherwise know as Robin. Uhh... I hate Oveltine comercials...and I have no idea how to spell comercials, camercels, comercels.....you can get the phontetcis...

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HIT ME! BEAT ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

GEORGETTAAAAAAYYYY'S PRESENT!!!

old site

10:12 march 17, 2005

so i decided, this was a good place to start. a good begining to a legendary close. nonee the less, here i am now, without the constraints of blogging and the solitude of my own dark opinions. and here we begin again, on a never ending journey down the decrepit pathway of woman hood. as i write to you, my last day of being a child, i provoke my dim writing intentions only to discover that there is nothing i wanna say. nothing that is, thatd ide like to say on the internet. so until tomorrow, when i am an adult, justified with the glories of smoking cigarettes and buying pornography. then it is there i will begin, as my youth fades away and in two hours it will be completly gone. no more sex with 16 year old, no more beating up on 8th graders. my fine days of being a kid are closing and with them i say to you: "from the east coast to the west coast, gotta gotta gotta go. in our hearts and in our souls, gotta gotta gotta go. united we stand divided we fall, gotta gotta gotta go. true stand for the revolution, gotta gotta gotta go." that was the only thing that came to mind as south park mentally rapes my brain. gotta gotta gotta go.

1/26; 6:54 pm

"I don't carry a lighter because I like fire. I carry a lighter because I really like certain songs."

january 19th, 2005. 10:38 pm

...............................

january 10th, 10:48 am, 2005

so blackberry's finally gone. my family wrapped her up and is bringing her to a cremitorium now in brattleboro. im making her an urn in my ceramics class and im tying the hair we clipped from her to it. i love her so much and its hard and disturbing to think that she is gone. i dont want to think about it. and all ive been doing is crying these last few days, from blackberry's diagnosis to her death and now finally her cremation. this is mind blowing. "one can never know love unless one has loved that of an animal." love of a human is worthless and miniscule compared to the compassion and deep emotions you have with a pet. the bonding between a human and yourself will never ever ever EVER even light a candle to an animal's love and your's. and to think now, that the finall deed is done and that i will never see my big dog again, my B, my blacks... it hurts so deep down its hard to dig that hurt out. i miss her so much and ive never felt this pained in my entire life. i want you all to understand that because i dont think i will be quite the same for a long time. i dont think i will recover from this for a long time. and i want everyone to know that so for once i wont be persecuted because i am sad. i loved blackberry, i still do, and her dying is like watching my family get raped and killed and as my feet get burned from white hot pokers. she was such a good dog, a very good dog.

january 9, 10:10 pm

she's finally gone. my little puppy is finally gone. at 3:03 pm on january 8th of 2005. she's gone. and i miss her and i love her so much. she was such a good dog, such a good dog. i cant believe shes gone. i feel so lonely and empty. i love her so much.

january 7, 3:01 pm

welp, my troubles have been put into retrospect. here i was, typing away about how my friends are making me sad and the like, and how im so depressed and compared to what im going through right now, makes me disgusted to know im sitting downstairs, still avoiding my problems.

you all know my dogs, rose (the dalmation), blackberry (the mut), and the twins; zelda and zinnia. everyone knows by now rose may have a debilitating spinal tumore, but my news now depresses me more then anything yet. blackberry, today, this cold winter day of 2005, has finally been diagnosed with lymphoma. i prayed for her. the last week. i prayed every night and i wore moms rosery in hope that blackberry wouldnt have cancer. every night. i clutched my cross begging for God to let me have a chance at my catholic heritage, i prayed for him to help me and i held Jesus so hard it was probably blasphomy. but lo, here we are now, as blackberry slowly dies, as i type on this computer and you read this. here we are now, together, bound by the chosen constraints of technology, as one of my best friends ceases to eat and move. she just lies there, with her ears perked and pain in her brow.

i never thought i could see and animal cry. but i swear i saw rose cry. a few days ago, blackberry and rose were sitting in the fish room. i sat next to blackberry and prayed and cried. she looked at me with those gentel, dark irises. with consolation she breathed deeply and comfortably. but i cried. and i looked at rose, with furrowed dogbrows and unblinking eyes, and her eyes too, were watering. ive never seen an animal cry in my life, but rose actually was. i feel bad for her the most. blackberry is rose's best friend. rose hasnt known many weeks without her, and now knowing that there will be much more lonely days and dreaded nights without her--our best friend-- destroys us.

i never thought that this could happen. i always hoped that my pets would die of old age; naturaly and peacefully in thier sleep. but today marks and occasion i never want to whitness again. but i know now, how much i love her and how much i will miss her. i was hoping that she'd live on to see laura and i graduate from college and highschool, because she has been sanity for us all these years. but the pain is now replacing that. and for us, an eternal shadow will fall over this household. one of its oldest and wisest members in now lying in wait for the Angel of Death to come and take her warm paw with his pale, gentel hands and carry her off into a light as beautiful as pure love. but we are left behind, watching and wishing. watching her go and wishing we were too. but now, we can only hope, that our dear friend and us will be united under love again, and not under hurt.