Before I went into therapy I could not look at anyone in the eye. I felt guilty and shameful. I felt everyone could tell what I was from. I felt they could see right though me. They could see my ugly soul and my secret. I carried myself with rounded shoulders and my head down. I felt so confused on anything I thought about. It was so hard for me to stay focused on anything I thought about. Even reading was hard to do at this time. This is also when I realized that I did have some dyslexia. The only happiness I felt is when I married Wayne. He was so kind, caring and fun to be with. When Wayne was not around my soul felt dead. What I really could feel was deep sorrow. I had heaviness in my heart. It felt as if my heart was dead. I over related to anyone in pain or in sorrow. I felt this to the core of my soul. It was if their pain became my pain. I suffered with them. When I was with a group of people I looked at them to see their reactions to different things. So if they laughed I laughed. I would watch other people to try to figure out how I should behave. I felt so totally lost. Like my soul was locked away. I was afraid to be hurt like I had been. No one was ever going to hurt me like this again. The burden of sexual abuse was getting too heavy for me to bear. I felt my mind and my heart could not hold the pain any longer.My heart felt broken and bleeding. It was so very, very painful being here. I needed some kind of relief, some kind of help. I read many books of self-help. I still did not know where to turn to for help I decided Iwould see if a therapist could help me. I talked it over with Wayne. His answer was try it . You will know if it is right for you. I thought to myself he says I will know? How will I know?I had so much self doubt in myself. Would people think I was crazy if I did this? I was taught you don't talk over personal things with others. I worried so much about what other people would think of me. I felt crazy and desperate. Months later I called a Mental Health Center. That is when I met Elaine, my therapist.