She had all the boyfriends
I
had none at all
I
got our mom's attention
Though
she was queen of the ball
I
had no reason to hate her
For
I was only five
And
even at thirteen
She
always seemed so alive.
She
was always going out
And
breaking lots of hearts
While
I studied in the basement
And
used her homework to play darts
She
was like a social whirlwind
Good
grades, sports and cheerleading
No
one guessed that behind that
It
was her soul that was cut and bleeding
She
had the pretty face
And
the smile that stretched a mile
You
couldn't see the hurt and rage
Honed
and sharpened like a file.
I
couldn't play a sport
I
only got good grades
Strangely
it was me and not my sister
Who
got the praise
I
tried to stay the flood
The
anger of sun and moon
But
mother's patience wore too thin
And
sister's disappeared too soon
I
got all the praise and presents
While
my sister got Mom's madness
No
one but me could hear her
Crying
away her sadness.
What
could I do?
I
was just an eight year old child
I
just stayed out of the way
And
watched her spirit die.
Finally
she could take no more
She
left and moved out on her own
She
promised to write but never did
I
never found out where she'd gone.
Two
years later I was living with dad
(He
won the bloody battle for custody.)
One
day we received a letter
My
dear sweet older sister was in the Army
After
that she wrote me often
And
I admit I never wrote back.
"I'm
young!" I thought. "And she'll be around forever!"
But
Life took a different track.
Suddenly
she left the Army
And
came to live with us
A
month later she left again
Never
understanding the heartache she caused.
For
only a month we were sisters again
She
was the pretty one
I
was the brainy one
Our
last summer of fun
Nights
of laughter and smiling
Days
of games and fun
I
saw her smile and joke
Halcyon
days under the sun!
We
went to the beach
And
shopping at the mall.
She
was there for my first heartbreak
All
that divided us was a plaster wall.
She
went to Alaska and then Guam
And
that's all I know
She
wrote us she was getting married
But
at the last second she let go.
Months
and months went by
And
we heard no word
I
began to forget our dreams
Whispered
secrets I had heard.
Suddenly
she wrote again
She
sounded happy for once
But
deep inside the was a pain
A
hatred she couldn't ensconce.
She
wrote us she was married
To
another man this time
She
seemed to be at the peak
Of
a mountain I could not climb.
For
the first time I felt envy
I
swore that she was better
I
knew she would forever surpass me
And
for life that I was fettered.
A
black day came in January
January
10th
I
got a call from my brother-in-law
With
news immense.
When
I heard my mind said NO!
I
felt a creeping chill
Tears
froze as they rolled down my face
My
cheeks burned hot and my wails held still.
A
knife stabbed my throat
Placed
by a malicious elf
When
I first heard
That
my prom queen sister had killed
herself.
My
idol had died.
The
girl who'd had it all.
The
one who was always there
Whenever
I needed to call.
A
gunshot to the stomach
That's
what they said.
There
will never be another
Who
could fill my sister's stead.
I'm
an only child now
But
I'd give everything I own
To
bring my sister back
So
I wouldn't be so alone.
Her
inner sword had flashed for a moment
And,
hurting, it cut so deep.
Bright
silver and gold, beautiful to hold
And
forever put to sleep.
Never
again will she feel the pain
Of
it's cutting edge so sharp
For
now she rests in a sunlit place
With
a God who has a heart
I
won't cry anymore for my sister
My
older sister
My
beautiful sister
My
prom queen sister
Never
again and that's because
I'll
mourn the woman she never became
And
the girl she always was.
Goodbye
Natasha.
--Jenni
Carlson
January
12, 1991
