[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is alone but Ross elsewhere in the same apartment]

(Spies an open photo album)

Oh my god!

(She looks at the album giving gob-smacked looks)

(Entering)

Hey Rach, whatcha doing?

(Seeing what she has)
Oh no Rach. Put it down. Put it down.

(He snatches it out of her hands)

I can’t believe you. Look at this. No, y’know what Ross? Don’t. You’ve probably looked enough. You are such a-a big pervert! I’ve given you too many chances and you just blew your last one. I’m leaving!

(Coming closer)

No you don’t understand, you see, I can explain…

All right, but make it good.

Well…

(Makes a face to show that he can’t)

[Opening credits]

[Scene: Rachel & Monica’s apartment. Just them there]

My brother has naked photos of you?

Yes. But not just nude photos of me but he also had some of my body hair in an envelope.

Eew! I don’t believe it! My brother is a sexual freak!

Yeah, I mean I thought he’d got over all this when he told me that he’d counted how many times we’d done it. But now, I can’t even look at him never mind be near him. He’s a total and utter loser.

God. It’ll really feel weird now. The tension between you two now will be SO high. We’ll not be able to all hang out to-eew!

What?

Nothing. Well it’s just the image of my brother having sex. Eew! Gross!

So what shall I do now? Do I tell the others or just keep it to our-selves?

I think we should keep it to ourselves.

(enter Phoebe)

Hey guys.

(ad. lib hi)

Ohh Rach, I’m so sorry for you.

Wha-What? About what? What?

Y’know the whole Rossy - perverty - photoey - nudie - hairy - thing.

Wha – how did you know?

Well, Ross has been telling the guys and me, I mean he’s really proud of it. I was absolutely disgusted and just marched right out of there. The boys are still listening with their umbrellas raising higher and higher!

Chandler, just you wait!

That man is getting worse by the minute. I mean those photos weren’t even done by my permission, he just snapped me when I walked out of the shower and I told him to throw them away as soon as he got them developed but he just went against my wishes.

[Chandler and Joey arrive giggling they look at Rachel and giggle their way out of their apartment]

Rachel

See? I can’t believe Ross!

Hey, you guys did I tell you about my gig?

What gig?

Well it’s not exactly a gig but it’s big!

Oh yeah! Where?

When I was in the subway playing my guitar a guy came up to me and asked if I was homeless. So I asked him why and he said it’s for the TV. I mean I’ve always wanted to be on TV so I said yeah. So I’m gonna be in a documentary type thing about Life on the Streets. There will be another person who will be in it with me so it will be just focused around us. I’ll be playing Myra the ex – washerwoman whose only possession is a guitar.

Oh yeah cool! I mean it shouldn’t be a problem because you’ve been homeless and everything so you know all the ropes and don’t need any reference and stuff. Mon, what do you think?

Well, I don’t know. It’ll be a little unflattering don’t you think?

So? Why do you always have to be Miss Monica ‘The Glass Is Half Empty’ Geller all the time. Let me just do what I want instead of getting all your bad thoughts all the time.

Well, I’m sorry Phoebs. It’s just your welfare I’m worried about. I mean how will it look on your resumes and when people in the street shout at you and spit on you.

No, Mon, I’m sure the cast will be given special water or something.

Well, just make the right decision.

I have and I start tomorrow. I have to go now and get ready and tell everyone I know.

Okay. Bye Phoebs!

Bye.

(Phoebe leaves)

Mon, I don’t believe you! I thought you supported us in everything we did. I’m glad Phoebe stood up for herself.

I do! But, Rach, do you actually think she should do this?

Well, naturally I wouldn’t do this but y’know that Phoebe is adventurous and this would be a great opportunity and experience for her so I’m gonna be supportive like crazy when she does this.

Well that’s your opinion and I suppose I now have to keep quiet about mine.

I guess you will

[Enter Ross]

Hey guys!

[Rachel stomps into her bedroom]

[Commercial Break]

What’s wrong with her?

What’s wrong with her?! Hello? Have you had your memory erased or are you just plain stupid?

Look. It’s not like I left them out especially for her to see them. I’m not like that. I never usually look at them. I was just sorting them out to throw them away.

Why? How many of them was there? Y’know what? I don’t think you should be explaining this to your sister. D’you? If you want to know what I think here it is. You have no excuse. If you’d have seen the state that Rachel was in when she walked in. I could not console her. She was so emotional.

(Rachel re-enters)

Rach! You have no idea how sorry I am.

Just shut up! You’ve "tried" to explain so here’s my conclusion. It’s not the fact that there were pictures of me because I knew that they had been taken. What I didn’t know was that you had the nerve to have them out on your coffee table for the entire world to see when I told you to burn them or get rid of them! How sad can you be? I mean what d’you look at them every night. Do they still turn you on?

Of course, (realising what he said) not.

Oh my god!

Rachel, just listen to me!

No Ross! Before we first ever started going out together I thought you were a real good, genuine guy. But since we did start going out all it seems like is that you’re trying to hurt me!

When you put it that way. It does seem like it doesn’t it? But whatever I’ve been doing I would never hurt you purposely without considering your feelings.

Well there’s certainly been a lot of accidents going on!

I’m outta here!

[Monica leaves]

I erm have an explanation, I think. I think it’s because when we started going out I remembered that you were like the most popular girl in school and me the least popular guy and thinking that all this stuff could like take us back to school and make me popular or something. At school I always imagined what it would be like to be with you and then I finally got the chance so I didn’t think you wanted me, geeky Ross Geller. I thought you wanted the cool Ross Geller just like all the guys you dated back then. I suppose it’s just like I’ve been there and done it so it’s just a piece of memorabilia or a souvenir or something!

Well, I wouldn’t have gone out with you if I didn’t like the Ross that I chose. I didn’t wanna change you either. Anyway that still doesn’t explain the photos!

Sure it does! I kept the photos because I couldn’t believe that the geek of the school had naked pictures of the most popular girl in school so I couldn’t bring myself round to getting rid.

That’s sweet and all but d’you think there’s a chance of you getting rid of them now?

Is that absolutely necessary?

Yes buddy, I think it is. Well anyway if you won’t I will! I don’t think I can trust you as much as I used to now.

I don’t know if I trust myself either. Okay Rach, I’ll do it.

Why, what else are you hiding?

Nothing! If you want to you can.

Fine!

[scene: phoebe’s apartment. enter phoebe.]

[picks up phone]

Um…Hi Alison? Yeah, it’s me Phoebe. I’ve got a new job, yeah

[Cut to last telephone conversation] Right thanks for telling me Dave, Yeah, bye Dave! [slams down phone] Agh!

[scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Everyone is there except Ross and Rachel. Enter Phoebe. She is clearly angry in her own way.]

(Ad lib hello’s)

Hi Phoebs! What’s wrong? You seem upset.

I am upset.

Why?

Have I ever told you about my worst enemy Leigh?

Oh Leigh. Those hot steamy summer nights. How could I forget you? Leigh…

No, doesn’t ring a bell.

Well I used to talk to Leigh on the subway during my homelessness period.

And a very long period that was.

And…

Well we soon fell out over money or the lack of it. He got a big gang of yobs to come and beat me up so that he could have my place to sit on the subway because more people gave money in that area, which I don’t think is quite true. It’s probably because more people like girls!

Do we know where this is leading to?

He is going to be the other homeless person in the documentary too and because he still lives on the streets in real life he knows that I don’t and he will rat me out.

He can’t do that! If he does I think me and Chandler will give him some seeing to.

Okay Joey. Will you stop doing that?

Well anyway, I think he will! I’m his worst enemy even though I did give him my subway space.

Well, why is he still mad at you?

I guess, because either no.1) He still doesn’t get enough money than I did or no.2) I got a big gang of tough girls on him.

Woah, mean!

So, I’ve decided that I’m not going through with it.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to collaborate with this guy again. Good thinking Batman!

Yeah, I agree with you.

Surprise, surprise(!)

Well done Phoebs!

[enter Ross and Rachel. They are all over each other. Everyone looks shocked]

I don’t know if this has made my day better or worse but woo-hoo!

(everyone cheers)

Hah! So, what the hell happened to you? Last thing I saw you were so not friends but now you look like so much friends or so much more than friends!

Let’s just say we’ve had an excellent night and we’ve got to go now!

C’mon! (About to enter Rachel’s bedroom)

Woah, woah, woah! Not with out explaining to us first young lady!

Okay mom. We have definitely got to go now but we’ll tell you tomorrow when the story might be juicier!

Yeah, just leave them till tomorrow. Huh, Mon?

Why should I? I think I – we deserve an explanation

Because - then I’ll have finished menstruating!

[Finishing scene: Rachel’s room: Ross and her are led on the bed talking]

I’m so glad that we’re back together again

Yeah, me too

And I really am sorry about that whole photo thing

Yeah, well let’s just have the memories of the fire!

Hey, how’s your hand?

Oh, still a little red and burnt but you can make it better, can’t you?

Well, you’re asking the right person

(He starts kissing her hand and kisses her up to her lips at which point Rachel turns out the bedside lamp and the screen closes with romantic music in the background)