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For Employees of WeBtV ONLY As an employee of this company you shall be responsible for keeping this book in a safe place yet accessible at all times. Upon your termination from said company, this book must be returned with obvious use of wear and tear. Penality for "like new" condition will be deducted from your paltry salary. Herein are the written rules of aggravation which all WeBtV employees must adhere to when dealing with customers. Any deviation from these written instructions will commence the action of ridicule and ostracization of said employee in the lunchroom. Second violation will bring an immediate and swift consultation with your supervisor, plus a mandatory 2 hour seminar and subsequent "Hail WeBtV" to be recited 100 times. Third offense - well, you had the other two. CONTENTS -IRRITANTS & CONDUCT Item One: We, the company, have gone to great lengths to convince the customer that you are a "technician". Even though you don't know anything about the product, you must convince the customer that you know more than they ever will. Item Two: Choose a name as non-descript as possible. Tom, Bill, Sam, Mary, or Jane will do. This way when return calls are made they cannot ask specifically for any particular individual and will be given any Tom, Dick or Jane. Item Three: The company cannot stress the importance of ALWAYS treating the customer as a Moron. Further instructions which follow will guide you in assuring that a heightened level of exasperation will be attained in the maximum allowable time of 3 minutes. Item Four: First question is to ask them their primary user email address which sounds reasonable and will put them off-guard. Take your time and then have them spell their name a couple of times. Item Five: After taking your time with this you will then ALWAYS ask them "To whom am I speaking?" This irritates them as they have to repeat their name again. With obvious sarcasm ask them "what is your problem?" Item Six: Phase Two: THE ITPS- After they have explained the problem you immediately and with CONFIDENCE respond that the problem is with the ITPS. They won't know what this is (It's The Phone Stupid) Ask them if they have any extension phones? Another good one is to ask if they have a splitter. Other irksome suggesions which can be utilized are: do they have a cell phone? do they have a dedicated line? Are they using a cordless phone? If in the very rare occurence the answers are negative then you tell them it HAS to be the phone line coming into the house and they should call the phone company. If the customer balks at this suggestion - put them on hold. Go to phase three of Item six. Have them disconnect every extension phone throughtout the house. (You may take a coffee break during this time period) Item Seven: When the customer returns to say that all the telephones and such are disconnected then ask them if their box is OFF! It is IMPERATIVE at this point that you continue the role playing by using one or all of the following: (multiple choice) * haughty * intelligent * knowledgeable Item Eight: Speak VERY S-L-O-W-L-Y to reiterate the conviction that they are totally incapable of understanding such a complex system. We strongly recommend at this juncture to emit a very loud SIGH. Put them on hold again just for good measure. Item Nine: Proceed to give them any of the option+3+numbers. Pick any option that you want as it doesn't make any difference, but it makes you appear omnipetent. Tell them that should solve the ITPS problem. These tactics will suffice for "Newbies". However, if the caller is a return call OR if they give additional clues that they have called before then you must immediately issue a RED FLAG Obviously, this situation will require you to exhibit even further arrogance and rudeness. You still must initiate the above steps but it is strongly advised to add several additional "I'm going to put you on hold for a minute" routine. Extra points are awarded to employees who can do this 5 or more times without the person hanging up. Also, another goodie is to ask them if they have HTML in their sig box. Tell them they must remove that. Throw in for good measure that "WeBtV does not support HTML" and sound authoritarian. (also see the additional point system below and how you can qualify for JERK of the Month) !! JERK of the Month Calls are monitored and recorded of all conversations. This is necessary as it is our major source of entertainment for our TGIF parties. You may be eligible for the prestigious JERK of the Month award if your actions have shown an abundance of any/and/or the following: NOTE: (if you are falling short in this area you might want to consider our Role Playing in the Workplace seminar with other unfortunates who desire to become more ineffective in their job. |