On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
The next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water.
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
People are gonna talk about you, especially when they envy you in the life you live. Let them... you affected their lives... they didn’t affect yours.
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
And out of the chaos, a voice spoke: "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse". And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.
For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!
Cancer cures smoking.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
You are only young once. If you act foolish after that, you’ll have to find some other excuse.
When people tell you how young you look they are also telling you how old you are.
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
I am - yet what I am none cares or knows.
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.
If you're not confused, you're misinformed.
Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you an anchor.
In today's world, you have to be a little crazy to stay sane!
80% of all questions that begin with the word 'why' can be answered with the simple sentence 'people are stupid.'
One can either accept, trust, and respect me as I am or they can go find one they can or else someone else sick enough to try to mold to their image.
It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I don't care.
I may look, act, and feel like an idiot, but at least I'm having fun in the process.
The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Why is it that wherever I go, the resident idiot heads straight for me?
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
Consciousness is that annoying thing between naps.
Win any way as long as you can get away with it. Nice guys finish last.
It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.
When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
For all the people that talk about me, thanks for making me the center of your world!
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people.
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and over again, but expecting a different result.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
We all are worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm.
We all know how stupid the average person is. Now realize that, by definition, fifty percent of the population is dumber than that.
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes.
There's no fool like an old fool--you can't beat experience.
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
The trick is to structure your question so that the answer “NO” gets you what you want.
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Remember, when someone annoys you, It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack him upside the head!
I’m old enough to know better, but I’m still too young to care.
To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
The little I know I owe to my ignorance.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree
ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing I Gotta Be Me around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing I can't get no satisfaction, gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
I have seen the truth... and it makes absolutely no sense.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in American banks can you find the pens chained to the counter and the doors wide open.
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
When authorities warn you about the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned... Do not have sex with the authorities!
I value the input of all employees including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly.
I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
Believe what you want, but don’t believe it here!
Maybe your eyes are playing tricks on me!
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.
Insanity is continuing the same behavior and expecting a different result.
The constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.
If you can't giggle, tickle, Scream, laugh, Run around the room naked, Pour liqueur on each other and lick it off, Tie each other down, Have whipped cream fights, and dance and sing with each other, Then you are having sex with the person too soon.
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me.
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure.
"Things can't get much worse" is often more a wish than a statement of fact.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Son, where did you go to school? If I were you, I'd write them and get my freaking money back.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences.
Sanity is a madness put to good uses.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to hell with you, here's to ME!
If someone who knows three languages is called tri-lingual and someone who knows two languages is bi-lingual, what do you call someone who knows one language? An American.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
If at first you don’t succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
Always keep a smile on your face... it makes people wonder what you're into.
If everything in life had a point there would be no place to sit down.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
Bite off more than you can chew and then chew like hell.
Every 30 seconds in this country a man has a heart attack. How that man survives, I'll never know.
LORD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off!
I am one of those bad things that happen to good people.
My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off of a thorn.
Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths.
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.
Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making other bastards die for their country.
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
If you think that something small cannot make a difference - try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.
The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Don't be so humble-you are not that great.
If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Dare to be stupid!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I know uh secret code. I ain' crazy, I got uh 'motional disorder; I ain' got fits, I got uh convulsive disorder; an' I ain' ugly, I plain; an' I ain' black, I dusky; an' my children ain' bastards, they-they love-flowers!
We all love animals, but why do we call some "pets" and some "dinner"?
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
It's like deja vu all over again.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence ['We have to talk.'].
I've never wished a man to meet his maker before his time. But, there are a few obituaries that I've read with approval.
It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said 'Goodbye,' it could cause a lot of confusion.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another--it's the same damn thing over and over.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it because we're not the person involved?
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.'
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Less is only more where more is no good.
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.
It isn't what they say about you; it's what they whisper.
No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.
Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe.
Rain may fall and wind may blow,
And many miles be still to go,
But under a tall tree I will lie,
And let the clouds go sailing by.
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice.
There is cure for AIDS: "Be ye clean."
For some, retirement begins at puberty.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.
No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
You can observe a lot by watching.
Every man gets a narrower and narrower field of knowledge in which he must be an expert in order to compete with other people. The specialist knows more and more about less and less and finally knows everything about nothing.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
When in doubt, be vague.
We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it.
Where all thinking is the same, there is very little thinking.
I'm not paranoid but I know that you all think I am.
No matter what anybody tells you, you can never have too much sugar.
Success is the greatest revenge.
I'm not confused, I'm well mixed.
You never know just how you look through other people's eyes.
The great advantage of being in a rut is that when one is in a rut, one knows exactly where one is.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
The most incomprehensible thing in the world is that it is all comprehensible.
Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don’t know."
He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.
Don’t look back-- something might be gaining on you.
Trust, but verify.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never moon a werewolf.
Never go to doctors whose office plants have died. Always behave like a duck-- keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it.
If they try to rush me I always say, I’ve got one other speed-- and it’s slower.
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors.
People only think a thing’s worth believing if it is hard to believe.
If you can’t sing good, sing loud.
Life is like a rubber band; harder you go forward, harder you snap back.
If you don’t know where you’re going, you will probably not wind up there.
You got to cry, do it by yourself and be quick about it.
Most people don’t look dumb until they start talking.
To save energy, do not go out lookin’ for trouble; chances are it will find you soon enough.
Whatever you do, try to have a reason to do it.
Well I am certainly wiser than this man. It is only too likely that neither of us has any knowledge to boast of, but he thinks that he knows something which he does not, whereas I am quite conscious of my ignorance. At any rate it seems that I am wiser to this small extent, that I do not think that I know what I do not know.
Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Education is a funny thing. At eighteen we know all the answers-- forty years later even the questions confuse us.
Enjoy every minute. There’s plenty of time to be dead.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Life is too important to take seriously.
Don’t take life too serious. You’ll never escape it alive anyway.
If God would have intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
It is hard to believe a man is telling the truth when you know that you’d lie if you were in his place.
It is double the pleasure to cheat a cheater.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you....Tell him that a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.
If you have nothing to say, please say it only once.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
