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EPISODE: DONE AND DID

"Now remember Smog Boy we need to finish this chore before we go to the mall."

"Right, right, got it."

"Fine," I say as we stand outside of STINK headquarters.

This is one of those times when I do savor the joy of being able to perhaps have a chance to finally get some deserving credit. I volunteer Smog Boy and myself to this extra duty. Just to have a chance at a bonus.

Now I do hope that you know this will work out as I hope. Normally this is not a kind of assignment I would have accepted.

Cleaning out garbage cans is nothing new for grimefighters. But in this case we are testing out a new industrial cleaner. One I hope will do better than in other cases.

Some of the stories that have come to my attention over failed attempts in the past really do worry me. Our lab boys can come up with some strange concoctions at times.

Which has a times definitely given people a reason to be nervous. Well it makes me nervous at least.

I don't know the thought of having your hair fall out and then end up not being able to remember who you are for a week is sort of not a good thing. And you can be sure that I don't plan on volunteering for those options.

I mean it is rather annoying at times when I see my buddy end up drooling for no good reason. He does wear a beanie so that is fine in terms of hair loss.

And if he forgets who he is for a while, no problem either. I just you know hate to see him get all goofy looking more than usual.

Then it gets so expensive having to buy massive doses of jelly beans to try and restore his brain. I wouldn't mind if he ended up normal, but he never was normal to begin with.

So I have to simply accept that his brain will be other than sane no matter what. I just don't like the idea of seeing him acting more insane than usual.

In any case, I chose to take that risk on this occasion. Just felt a need to involve myself with this option.

Maybe I'm driven by the simple fact that the extra cash from the bonus will be something I can use to invest in Spam. They are having a big discount on it at this one grocery store and I just can't resist.

Plus I will need all that Spam to suppress my sense of guilt over subjecting my buddy to such perils. I don't feel to bad though. He does manage to bounce back from such momentary set backs.

So I feel relatively comfortable with this venture. And naturally I will stand back far enough from the fumes to as to not risk fainting. One of us needs to be conscious in case we have to call an ambulance.

However for the moment the main effort I have to work on is getting my buddy past his obsession with going shopping before we do this chore. That won't be easy, but I am trying.

"So Otis what time?"

"What time what?"

"What time we leaving for the mall?"

"That depends on how long it takes for you to open that cleaner and use it."

"Oh man do I have to?"

"Yes, we already talked about this."

"Yeah, but I didn't know you were actually serious about it."

"Well I am. And the longer we waste time talking the longer it is going to take."

"I got an idea."

"Which is?"

"How about if I take it with us and opened it on the way to the mall? Will save time that way?"

"Nice thought, but you are suppose to test it on those barrels to make sure it will work as a cleaner."

"Don't they have crap that needs cleaning at the mall?"

"They might."

"Well can't give them a try then?"

"Because they don't need out help."

"Couldn't we like ask them?"

"Nope."

"How come?"

"Because that will not in anyway solve the problem of cleaning the barrels."

"Well we could like say we cleaned them?"

"And you don't think that perhaps Dr. Hemoglobin might notice that they are not cleaned?"

"Not if you come up with one of your cool zingers to confuse him."

"You want me to make up something huh?"

"Why not?"

"I just don't think it will work in this situation."

"How come?"

"Because he will notice the barrels not being clean."

"We couldn't like pretend and make up something good. Or even you know hide them. Or even better we could figure a way to blame it on Junior. Yeah that would be cool."

"Right. Like we can accomplish that."

"How come we can't?"

"Well we don't have any way to hide them or get rid of them. And there is absolutely no way to manage to blame it on Junior in either case."

"Man, that sure sucks."

"Well it won't get better by stalling."

"So then I got to open this thing huh?"

"Yep."

"And I can't get you to do it?"

"Why would you expect me to open it old buddy?"

"I just to be different."

"No we have discussed this before and we have a deal remember."

"Can you explain that part again Otis?"

"Sure. It really isn't complicated. We have a partnership."

"I'm a little fuzzy on what that means."

"It is simple. In these assignments I make sure that we split the work."

"I fetched the jug and signed for it. Then you get test it."

"Couldn't I have do the fetching part?"

"Do you have a fetching license?"

"Er no? I never heard of one?"

"Well you have to have one in order to do the fetching part."

"Where do I get the license?"

"Um, you have to have an appointment."

"An appointment?"

"Yes, you have to have an appointment to apply for the license."

"Where do I get an appointment?"

"First you have pass a test."

"What kind of test?"

"Um the grimefighter's appointment aptitude exam for licenses for fetching when Otis isn't around to do the fetching kind of test."

"You're making that up."

"Wish I was, but I'm not."

"But, but that sounds really complicated."

"Which is why I have do the fetching. I just am sparing you of the pain."

"Gee Otis that is sure nice of you."

"I though so too."

"So no way to avoid this huh?"

"Not unless you want to avoid the mall."

"That sure ain't much of a choice."

"Very true."

"So what do I do now?"

"Well you open the can."

"And then what?"

"Clean the barrels."

"I was afraid you would say that."

"Well you best get to it then."

"Alright."

Smog Boy slowly opens the lid on the jug of cleaner. Well that is interesting. Never had it let off green smoke before.

Now that is different. He is rolling his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Wow, he just passed out and fell to the ground.

Gee, guess that was a lot stronger than I imagine. Hmmm, where it spilled on the ground it is hissing and acting like acid. Man the boys in the lab really came up with some powerful stuff this time.

I hold my breath and go over to pick up the jug. Then I carefully pour it on the barrels. It immediately consumes them. Well problem solved, I guess.

About this time my buddy finally wakes up. He slowly rises and groans, then starts drooling. A predictable reaction.

"You okay Smog Boy?" I ask as I help him to his feet.

"What's a Smog Boy?"

"Er I guess not."

"Where am I?"

"You are work."

"What is work?"

"Um, here eat this," I say giving him some jelly beans."

"Hiya Otis."

"Feel better now?"

"I can't remember."

"That's a start."

"It is?"

"Yes it is old buddy."

"Weren't we suppose to clean something?"

"It's all done."

"It is?"

"Yes, it is all done."

"Can we go now?"

"I think so."

"Hey, weren't there some barrels around here?"

"Um, I took care of them."

"You did?"

"Yep. They're all gone."

"Where?"

"Let's just go to the mall old buddy. We need to shop for spam."

"We do?"

"Yes, you love Spam."

"I do?"

"Yep," I reply. One advantage of these little tests is that I can get Smog Boy to believe anything while in this state. I can only hope it lasts until I get the spam.

Would you like to possess your own memento of the Grumbler Chronicle's testimony to the courageous, er,almost brave at times, battle against filth and the inevitable victory of Cleanliness? Are you bold enough to join a strange new world on the demented side of life?

Then you can be among the few, the proud and truly different by having your own copy of the the first 38 episodes of the Grumbler Chronicles that are now immortalized in PRINT! (Come on, go ahead, get a copy and hide it in a drawer, to be read only when your'e alone. Otis and Smog Boy will never tell.)

PHILO MILO BUTTERCREAM
(THAT'S HIS WRITER'S NAME.) Drop by and check it out if you dare!)
penman_1@hotmail.com