Freefall

Part One

 

Author:  kevswitchau

Pairing:  EW/TM

Genre:  RPS, AU

Rating:  M

Warnings: Some blood...angst...the usual

Notes:  I don’t own either of these boys...dream on girl! *sigh*

None of this ever happened, except in my mind. Except for the poxy article.  The article happened.  Bad journalism happens a lot.  Bastards. Also, I realise that Tobey does go out a lot, and enjoys cooking...so this is why I consider this an AU.  I need him to not like that stuff for the purposes of the story, so die-hard fans, please suspend disbelief and work with me here!

 

 

I know this could be

That free fall back to me

-Train

 

He read the article again.  He had absolutely no idea why he did this to himself.  No idea why he cared.

 

But he did.

 

‘Stoic’ he could handle.  ‘Shy’ was okay...it was mostly the truth after all, and both of those had been used on more than one occasion.  But ‘self-centred?’ Dull...taciturn...problematic????

 

Jesus Christ! Who is this guy?  Did I run over his fucking dog or something????

 

Tobey knew all about the so-called ‘tall poppy syndrome’, he just hadn’t really believed it.  He’d always assumed that if you were polite to these people they’d get what they came for and leave you alone.  Obviously he’d never been tall enough...or maybe this guy just never got what he came for.

 

He threw the paper in the corner and curled up on the couch, pulling his robe around him.  He felt absurdly close to tears and completely alone.  He was thoroughly exhausted.  As if filming wasn’t strenuous enough, the countless press junkets and interviews drained him completely.  It had gotten so that he could barely remember his own name, let alone what country they were in.  Most days, home had never seemed so far away.

 

People just sucked the energy out of him.  But they still wanted more.

 

Tobey wasn’t sure he had anything more to give them.

 

But that was over now - at least until the next time.  Now he could lock the door and unplug the phone and forget that there was a world out there.  But the world still poured in, didn’t it?  And as always, the world just didn’t understand.

 

He reached for the phone and pulled it close.  He needed to hear a friendly voice, even if it was just a machine.  The number rang once, twice, he waited for the recorded message.  Waited to hear...

 

“Yeah?”

 

Strangely, he panicked and nearly hung up, but decided otherwise.

 

“Elijah?”

 

“Yeah?”  The voice was wary.  Tobey knew that feeling, wondering if some freak had managed to find his number.  Wondering if they knew where he lived.

 

“It’s Tobey, man.  Didn’t expect to find you home.”

 

“Tobey?  Jesus Christ! How the fuck are you?”  The relief was palpable. 

 

“I’m.....I’m okay...what are you doing home?  Thought you were in Vancouver?”

 

“Had to get away for a bit...sometimes I fucking hate this job.”

 

Tobey grinned wryly.  “Tell me about it.”

 

“So what’s up?”

 

Tobey bit his lip and sat up.  He wasn’t sure what to say now that he had Elijah on the phone.

 

“Um...nothing much.”  He was annoyed to hear the quaver in his voice.  “I was just...”

 

“You home now?” 

 

Tobey could hear the concern in Elijah’s voice.  He’d made the right decision.  Thanks man.

 

Tobey nodded.  “Yeah.”

 

“You want some company?”

 

Tobey smiled.  Everyone always pictured Elijah as the submissive one, the wild child, the one who was easily led and flighty.  But Tobey knew better.  Elijah was the one that could always be counted on.  He’d always be there.  And let’s face it, Elijah knew Tobey.  Probably better than anyone else, Elijah knew him.  And that was what he needed right now, because sometimes he lost all track and wasn’t sure he knew himself.

 

“Yeah.” It was almost a whimper.

 

“Right.  See ya soon,” Lij promised.  “And Tobe?”

 

“Yeah?”  There were the tears again.  Shit.

 

“Stay cool, okay?  Don’t....”  Tobey heard him sigh.  “Just wait for me, okay?”

 

“See you soon, man....Thanks,”  Tobey croaked around a lump in his throat. 

 

He waited on the line until Elijah had put the phone down and then he hung up.  He had thought fleetingly of calling Leo, but that would have been a bad idea.  Leo had been his friend for more years than he could remember, but when Tobey got like this, Leo just couldn’t deal.  He was happy to be around Tobey the Party Guy.  Tobey the Party Guy was easy to deal with.  But when Tobey the Party Guy hit a downer, Leo was nowhere to be seen.  Not that Tobey could blame him...sometimes it got so he didn’t want to be around himself.

 

For the first time in a long time, Tobey wanted a drink.  He wanted one bad, but it had been almost seven years, and he wasn’t going to go there again.

 

But there were other ways.

 

Tobey had discovered long ago that there were ways of making you feel when your whole body was numb with grief or fear.  Something for those times when you know that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, because at least the pain lets you feel something. 

 

At least the blood lets you know you’re alive and not in some drug fucked haze or padded neon limbo where everything is bright and shiny and clean and fake.  Sometimes he just needed to feel real.  Sometimes he just needed to feel here.

 

And nobody knew.  He absently fingered the almost invisible feathering of scars along the inside of his arm.  They all thought they knew everything about him, but this was something that was his, and his alone.  Nobody knew. 

 

Except Elijah.

 

He remembered the lookay on Elijah’s face.  The fleeting panic as he breezed into Tobey’s trailer to find him sitting on the floor of the bathroom, razor blade in hand, blood everywhere.

 

They were such little cuts.  Tiny nicks at first, but crimson erupted forth...so pretty...so vibrant...and he didn’t seem to be able to stop.  The pain sang along his arms, and it was beautiful.  The room smelled like pennies, like copper, like summer rain.  And he had looked up to see Elijah standing at the doorway, blood draining from his face, and all he had wanted to say was Lij, it’s all right...it’s okay...look...isn’t it beautiful?  I found it right here...it was here all along.  Inside me.  I’m finally all right.

 

But his voice wouldn’t work, and he remembered sixteen year old Elijah kneeling beside him and wrapping his arm in a towel, and slowly, deliberately, taking the blade from his fingers and dropping it into the bin, all the while whispering his name and telling him that it was going to be okay.

 

Elijah had sat with him, cradling Tobey’s head in his lap all night.  Talking to him about everything and nothing.  And Tobey had fallen a little bit in love.  Silly, silly boy.

 

And after the filming had finished, they kept in touch.  Their phone conversations casual, their brief meetings at premieres and parties superficial, but every time Tobey heard Elijah’s voice or looked into his face, he knew it was going to be okay.  There was someone who knew...someone who held onto his secret.  And that was enough.  Or it had been.  Until now.

 

And now he was coming, and Tobey had absolutely no idea what he was going to say.

 

What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why won’t it stop?

 

He pulled the robe tighter around him, and curled around a cushion.  He’d heard the rumours about Elijah.  Dom.  Franka.  The fanatical outcry from some those were adamant that ‘their Lij’ couldn’t possibly sleep with another man, followed by the cries of outrage over him sleeping with another woman.  He knew these people would never be happy.  There was nothing Elijah could do that would please them all.  Tobey knew that feeling.  He hadn’t signed up for this.  Neither of them had.

 

Gossip was his perverse brand of self-flagellation, another nod to his masochistic tendencies.  He read every gossip column and article he could find.  Yet another thing nobody knew about him. 

 

He prided himself on his mask of nonchalance...but underneath the mask, things were crumbling.  His arm itched.  The scars tingled.  He tried to ignore it.

 

He lay on the couch staring at the wall for what seemed like hours, roused only by the ringing of the security door.  He uncurled, and walked over to the speaker.  His finger trembled when he reached out for the button.  Fuck.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can Spiderman come out to play?”

 

Tobey grinned in spite of himself.  How does he do that?

 

“Come on up.”  He pushed the security release on the door, and waited. 

 

He heard Elijah pounding up the stairs, then pounding on the door.  Never quiet or subtle, that boy.

 

He opened the door and was almost bowled over as Elijah leapt at him, pulling him into a warm embrace.  Tobey recovered from the shock quickly, and wrapped his arms around Elijah’s slim body, squeezing him tight, feeling something loosen inside himself.

 

“Thanks for coming,” he whispered into Elijah’s neck, feeling the tears threatening to overwhelm him again.  He didn’t want to do this, not now.  He just held Elijah until the feeling started to abate.

 

Elijah pulled back, and Tobey felt that fluttering of butterflies loosed in his stomach.  He was so fucking beautiful.  How could a guy be so beautiful?  Tobey was always awed to silence by Elijah’s eyes.  The blueness of them, the depth of them.  He felt he could lose himself in them for hours and come out different.  Cleaner somehow.  Stronger.

 

He knew that was weird.  He didn’t care.

 

“Tobe!  It’s been a long time!”

 

“Too long.” Tobey grinned at him.

 

“You’re looking good.”

 

“And you’re still the world’s worst liar.”

 

Elijah giggled. Tobey loved that sound. Elijah threw an arm around Tobey’s shoulders, guiding him to the couch, where they both sat down.  Elijah spotted the newspaper immediately, and scowled at Tobey.

 

“Man, don’t you ever learn?”

 

Tobey shrugged, and looked at Elijah.  “You know me, Lij.”

 

“That I do.”  Elijah cocked his head at Tobey, his eyes sparkling.  “So...what’s the plan, Stan?”

 

Tobey shook his head.  He had no plan, he had nothing beyond listening to Elijah’s machine.  Getting Elijah here...even that was a bonus.

 

“Ooookay.  Perhaps it’s time for a night on the town.”

 

Tobey flinched. “Oh, I don’t know..”

 

“Come on...let’s hit the Strip man - haven’t been to the Viper Room in a while.”

 

Tobey winced.  “You know I hate that place.”

 

Elijah shrugged.  “Yeah, me too.  So?  Your choice.”

 

“How about coffee?”

 

Elijah shook his head.  “You’re hopeless.  You’re a fifty year old in a twenty six year old body.”  He sighed in mock exasperation, then grinned at Tobey.  “Okay.  Coffee it is.  Get dressed.”

 

Tobey felt himself getting warmer.  Elijah always managed to do that, to clear that cold spot from inside him. 

 

“Gotta have a shower first.”

 

Elijah grabbed a magazine and sat back into the couch.  “So, I haven’t got all night.”

 

Tobey grinned at him, and squeezed his knee.  “Thanks Lij.”

 

Elijah covered Tobey’s hand with his own.  Tobey felt his stomach contract slightly, his face grow warm.

 

“Anytime Tobe.  You know that.”

 

They sat that way for a while.  How long, Tobey couldn’t tell.  All time vanished when they were together.  He knew how hokey that sounded, but it was true.

 

“I’ll be getting that shower then,” Tobey grinned, standing up.

 

“You do that.”

 

Elijah was looking at him, a small smile tickling the sides of his mouth. His eyes were boring into Tobey’s and Tobey felt a shudder run through him.  Delicious.  Like a whiff of adrenalin.  He licked his lips nervously, nervously? Why would that be, Tobe my man?  What is there to be nervous about? and, turning his back on Elijah, he walked towards the bathroom.

 

 

Kevswitchau 2002

 

 

Part 2

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