Yet Another Marauders Read Harry Potter Story

 

SUMMARY: Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs do an MST on "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" ably assisted by Lily Evans, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy. With a special guest appearance by Mary Sue.

 

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Harry Potter books or any of these characters. Nor do I own any of the other books, songs, TV shows, etc. that I quote from here. I only wish I did!

 

DISCLAIMER II: I am well aware that the Marauders-Read-Harry-Potter thing has been done before. My motto is; what good is a bandwagon if you can't jump on it? Although most of what is below is my own, I have shamelessly lifted a few of the best lines from the divine QueenStrata who is graciously allowing me to post on her site and by who’s version I was especially inspired.

 

NOTE: I began writing this long before Order of the Phoenix came out. I have made a few changes. (Originally, I’d made Sirius a “Half and Half” for instance.) If anything in here continues to clash against revelations in the newest book, my apologies and perhaps we can think of it as an AU story.

 

FINALLY: Many, many thanks to the glorious Dark Beta without whom this fic might have existed, but wouldn't be nearly as good!

 

Prologue:

 

SCENE: A classroom at Hogwarts during the time of the Marauders. Seated glumly, obviously in detention, are James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy; all aged fifteen. Note: Lucius has scratches on his face.

 

James: How long now?

Remus: About five minutes after the last time you asked, Prongs.

James: I just can't believe Old Moggy's idea of…

Lily: She doesn't like to be called that, James.

James: You see her anywhere around? Anyway, I can't believe her idea of a detention is suddenly to make us all sit in here together until we learn to get along!

Sirius: Waste of time. It'll never happen. (Glares at Severus and Lucius. Severus glares back. Lucius just looks at Sirius as though at something he'd found under a rock.)

Peter: I think Dumbledore put her up to it. It's his style.

Severus: (half to himself) Automatically punishing the Slytherins is in character for both of them.

James: What's that supposed to mean, Greaseball?

Lily: James, don't be mean.

Severus: you attacked us! We merely defended ourselves! If that dried up old alley cat were half as fair as people claim…

Sirius: (starting to rise, angrily) Hey, that's our Head of House you're talking about, you git! Anyway, we didn't attack you; it was a joke for God's sake! What's your problem, Snape?

Severus: Your idea of a "joke" is twisted. (Turning to Lily) Evans, you needn't have been here at all if you hadn't scratched Lucius.

Lily: Well I wouldn't have scratched him if he hadn't tried to put the Cruciatus on poor Pete!

Lucius: Ignore your wand and use your claws. How typically Mudblood.

(This time, Sirius and James both start to get up.)

James/Sirius: Shut up, Malfoy!

Lucius: (To Sirius) And you're practically a Mudblood yourself, Black, with all those Muggle Studies classes you’ve wasted your time in!

Severus: Sirius Black; Born Again Mudblood

Sirius: Hey, I’d rather have dirty blood than a dirty mind! Oh wait – I do have a dirty mind.

Lucius: Pettigrew, you ought to consider starting a – er – romance with Evans. You know how you like big, strong friends to look after you.

Marauders & Lily: Shut up, Malfoy.

(Enter: Mary Sue.)

Mary Sue: Hi guys, sorry to interrupt. I just stopped by to give you this book. (Hands book to James)

James: (reading the title) "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."

Lily: Mary Sue, why are you bringing us this?

Mary Sue: Because all the really good plot devices for how it falls into your hands have been done already.

Lily: Oh.

Mary Sue: Bye, guys! (Exits)

(Pause)

Sirius: So, do we read this thing, or what?

James: Might as well; I think I like the title character already!

Severus: Because his name is Potter? Typical of your bloated ego.

Remus: Don't get into it, you two. If we're going to read it, let's take turns. I'll start. (James hands him the book.)

 

"Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived."

 

Lily: Oh good, I love a happy beginning!

 

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

  

Remus: You’re welcome.

James: Why do I already get the feeling that this isn't true?

 

They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with that nonsense.

 

Severus: The fools. Life is strange and mysterious. The only escape is death!

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

Remus: No, the git has a point.

 

Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made

   

James: Socks.

Sirius: Chew toys.

Remus: Mysterious items sold under the counter in discrete little shops.

Severus: Potions.

Lucius: Severus, he’s a Muggle. They don’t have potions.

   

drills.

 

All: Drills??

Remus: I liked my version better.

 

He was a big, beefy

 

Sirius: Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

(Lily snickers, the others just give Sirius weird looks.)

Lily: It's a Muggle thing.

 

man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache.  Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck,

 

Lily: (sings) I'm Gorgeous! I'm Absolutely Gorgeous! (stops singing) Actually, she sounds a little like my sister.

 

which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.

 

Lily: Now she sounds even more like my sister.

 

The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley

  

Peter: Dudley?

Remus: Dudley.

Sirius/James: Dinky Duddydums!

(Even Severus and Lucius can't help laughing.)

     

and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.

 

Remus: Ah, Unconditional Love, it's a beautiful thing!

 

The Dursleys had everything they wanted,

 

Lily: Each other…

James: A song in their hearts…

Lucius: Unlimited power…

 

but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.  They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.

 

Severus: Understandable.

 

Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish

 

Severus: unDursleyish?

Lucius: It must be a Muggle word.

 

as it was possible to be.  The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

 

Lily: How about, Welcome to the Neighborhood?

James: But stay away from Number Four, those people are weird!

Lucius: Before we allow you entrance, can you give proof of the purity of your blood?

James: They're Muggles; they don't care about dumb stuff like that!

Lily: Well…

 

The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too, but they had never seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away – they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that.

 

James: That's ok, Dursleys. If the boy were my kid, I wouldn't want him mixing with your brat either!

Remus: Prongs, we've barely met the kid. You don't know he's a brat.

James: Bet you five Sickles?

 

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray

 

Severus: Mattress?

 

Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

 

Remus: They should have asked the Centaurs!

Sirius: Like they ever gave anybody a straight answer?!

 

Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his highchair.

 

Sirius: (as a screaming baby) Mommy, I don't wanna hear about it!

 

None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window.

 

Sirius: You've Got Mail!

Severus: Is that an example of Gryffindor wit?

Lucius: No, it's what they call "black humor".

Lily: (groans) They're as bad as you guys!

 

At half-past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek

 

Lucius: Pecked? I hope he drew blood! Muggles…!

 

and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

 

Remus/Peter: (gasp) A cereal killer!!!

James: Pay up, Moony! (Remus fishes into a pocket of his robes and counts five coins into James’ hand.)

 

“Little tyke,” chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.

 

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar – a cat reading a map.

 

Peter: Trying to find it's way off that street!

 

For a second, Mr. Dursley didn’t realize what he had seen – then he jerked his head around to look again.  There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn’t a map in sight. 

 

Remus: Tabby? Check its eyes! It might be McGonagall!

 

What could he have been thinking of? 

 

James: Wild guess here; Drills?

Peter: Food?

Remus: Mysterious items sold under the counter in discrete little shops?

Lily: It was obviously a Freudian response to his secret desire to find his way out of the rut he and his family have gotten into!

Severus: A what response?

 

It must have been a trick of the light. 

 

Lily: Well, yes, that could be it.

 

Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat.  It stared back. 

 

James: And Dursley was definitely getting the better part of the bargain!

 

As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in the mirror. 

 

Sirius: and crashed because he was watching the rear-view instead of where he was going!

 

It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive – no, looking at the sign; cats couldn’t read maps or signs.

  

Peter: Unless it's Professor McGonagall.

 

Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake

 

Sirius: Most action he'd seen in years!

Remus: No, no, they have a baby. Something must have been going on.

 

and put the cat out of his mind. 

 

Peter: Where it stood and yowled to be let back in.

 

As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.

 

Lily: I think Freud would have something to say about this fixation with drills…

Severus: Who?

Lucius: Severus, don't talk to Mudbloods.

Marauders: (in unison) Shut up, Malfoy!

Lily: Never mind, Sev, it's a Muggle thing.

 

But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.  As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam,

 

James: Traffic Jam? I've never had that, how's it taste?

Severus: Try not to be any more of an idiot than you can help, Potter.

Lily: Now, now, children.

 

he couldn’t help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about.  People in cloaks.  Mr. Dursley couldn’t bear people who dressed in funny clothes –

 

Remus: If that's the worst thing he has to worry about…!

 

the getups you saw on young people!

 

Lily: I know! As short as skirts are these days, you'd think he'd be glad some of us wear long robes!

James: I'm not! (Lily swats him.)

 

He supposed this was some stupid new fashion.  He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by.  They were whispering excitedly together.  Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren’t young at all;

 

Remus: And that was enough to enrage him? This guy's got some anger management problems!

Peter: Sound like anyone we know?

(The Marauders all stare at Severus while Severus and Lucius stare at Sirius. Lily just rolls her eyes.)

 

why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!  The nerve of him!

 

Sirius: Out on the streets at that age!

Severus: Emerald green?

Severus/Lucius: Hail Slytherin!

 

But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt – these people were obviously collecting for something…

 

James: The finest collection of cloaks in the history of the world!

Lily: No, collecting for something, they said.

 

yes, that would be it.  The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills.

 

Lily: I told you this guy's got a fixation!

 

Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.  If he hadn’t, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning.

 

James: (snorts) Yeah, right.

 

He didn’t see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.  

 

James: I wouldn't look up with my mouth open when any bird was flying over-head!

 

Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime.

 

Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning.

 

Lily: Owl-free? Makes it sound like he’d been vaccinated!

Peter: Been what?

Sirius: It’s something Muggles do ward off some kinds of disease.

James: (solemnly) Mr. Dursley, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have a severe case of Owls.

 

He yelled at five different people.  He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more.

 

Sirius: Is it just me, or does this guy really like shouting?

Lily: It would fit with the aggressive implications of his drill fixation.

Severus: What exactly is a “telephone call”?

Lily: It’s how Muggles communicate over a distance. It’s not as exciting as seeing someone’s head in your fireplace, but it works.

 

He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he

 

Peter: Realized he couldn't shout and eat at the same time?

 

thought he’d stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.

 

Remus: He should have asked McGonagall, she usually has one.

 

He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed.

 

Lily: He just knew they'd all been in the bakery and bought up all the buns!

 

He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.

      

“The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard – ”

     

“ – yes, their son, Harry –”

 

Sirius: Aha! Congratulations, Prongs, you have a son! And it sounds like he's taking up the family traditions!

Severus: What are you talking about, Black?

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

Remus: (slowly and clearly, as if talking to an idiot) He means the kid already has everyone all worked up.

 

Mr. Dursley stopped dead.

 

Sirius: Literally?

Remus: You wish!

Lucius: (reaching for his wand) I might be able to help there.

 

Fear flooded him.

 

James: Oh is that why his pants are suddenly wet?

 

He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.

 

Sirius: Good, they didn't want to talk to you anyway!

           

He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him,

 

Lily: And she said, "Shut up, you tub of lard, I'm sick of being yelled at!" and walked out singing "Take This Job And Shove It!"

James: Singing what?

Sirius: Muggle thing.

 

seized his telephone and had almost finished dialing his home phone number before he thought better of it.

    

Peter: After all, the last time he called home, a strange man answered!

 

He put the receiver back down and stroked his

 

Lucius: Drill?

Lily: Excuse me?!?

 

moustache, thinking...no, he was being stupid.

     

Severus: Definitely a relative of Potter's.

 

Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.  Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy.  It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.

    

Remus: Or Henry. Or Hannibal.

Peter: Or Hephzibah!

Lily: I think that's a girl's name, Pete.

Sirius: It is?

(The Slytherins exchange a glance of disgust.)

 

There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley,

 

Lily: Well, that was thoughtful.

Sirius: He calls his wife Mrs. Dursley?

Remus: I sense some friction in this household.

 

she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her – if he'd had a sister like that... but all the same, those people in cloaks...

 

Remus: were keeping a lot warmer than he was!

 

He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door.

 

Marauders: Klutz!

Remus: Maybe we should give him James’ glasses.

James: No way, I'd get them back all drilled!

            

“Sorry,” he grunted as the tiny old man

 

Sirius: Why does Flitwick come to mind?

Remus: I don’t know; he’s not that old.

 

stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.

    

Peter: He’s awfully slow, isn’t he?

Sirius: I like the color violet.

James: I prefer lily white. (Lily swats him.)

 

He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.

    

Peter: If it's Flitwick, he'll bounce.

 

On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare, “Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!”

          

James: So, Voldemort’s dead?

(The others flinch.)

Lucius: In your dreams, Gryffindors!

 

And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley round the middle and walked off.

 

Lucius: I always suspected there was something a bit…off…about Flitwick.

 

Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger.

 

Lily/Sirius: (singing) Come on, people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now!

(The others look at them oddly.)

Sirius: Ok, how about… (Starts to sing and Lily joins in) And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, Love the one you’re with! Love the one you’re with! Love the one…

(They trail off as they realize the others are still just looking at them.)

Lily: (snorting) Purebloods!

 

He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.

     

Sirius: Why doesn’t the Muggle know what a Muggle is?

Remus: Siri, Muggles don't know they're Muggles. It's one of the fundamentals of being Muggles.

Peter: If he says "Muggles" one more time…

     

He was rattled.

 

Marauders: (in unison) Rattle-rattle-rattle-rattle…

 

He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.

 

James: Neither does my father.

Severus: Considering the uses you put it to, I agree with him.

Sirius/Remus: Shut up, Snape.

 

As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw – and it didn't improve his mood –

     

Sirius: Was a mob of those weirdos demanding entrance.

Remus: Was his wife and her sister, hugging and apologizing for their quarrel while their sons played together on the lawn.

Severus: Was the dark mark hovering over what was left of his house.

Lily: Not funny.

Lucius: Not just funny; hilarious!

Lily: You know, Lucius, they’re doing some wonderful things with psychotherapy nowadays.

 

was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall.  He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes.

 

Sirius: Hey, maybe it is McGonagall.

 

“Shoo!” said Mr. Dursley loudly.

 

The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.

 

James: (mimicking a Scottish brogue) Ten points from your house, Mr. Dursley!

Remus: Which house would he be in?

Sirius/Peter: Slytherin!

Severus: Why is anyone you idiots dislike automatically lumped into our house?

Lucius: As if we'd let a Muggle in!

 

Was this normal cat behavior, Mr. Dursley wondered.

 

Lily: Get a cat of your own and find out!

Remus: Yeah, your son needs a pet!

Peter: You'd wish that kid on some poor cat? Moony, that's cruel!

 

Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.

 

Sirius: That’ll change soon.

 

Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. 

 

Sirius: How many times have they used that word now?

Remus: (flips pages and does a quick count.) Four.

 

She told him over dinner about Mrs. Next Door’s problems with her daughter

 

Severus: "Mrs. Next Door"? And you tell me "Severus" is an odd name!

Lily: Wonder what her problems with her daughter were?

James: Girl was probably trying to get her name changed!

 

and how Dudley had learned a new word (“Won't!”).

 

James/Severus: Spoiled brat.

(They stare at each other in revulsion as they realize they've just agreed.)

 

Mr. Dursley tried to act normally.

 

Sirius: Five.

 

When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:

 

“And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today.  Although owls normally

 

Peter: Six!

 

hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern.”

 

Sirius: Owl insomnia?

 

The newscaster allowed himself a grin. 

 

Remus: And that Muggle is making fun of their problem. How insensitive!

 

“Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?”

 

Sirius: You wouldn't grin if an owl had ever "showered" you, buster!

Peter: Splat!

 

“Well, Ted,” said the weatherman, “I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. 

 

Remus: (as weatherman) Reports say the Dursleys of Number Four, Privet Drive have been acting even weirder than usual.

 

Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!

     

Sirius: So don't go out without your umbrellas!

 

Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early – it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight.”

 

Sirius: That could be taken two ways!

Lucius: Feeling deprived are we, Black?

Sirius: Shut up, Malfoy.

 

Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.

    

James: Quick, someone thaw him out!

     

Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...

    

James: A whisper? People are usually shouting.

Remus: They must still be in shock.

Peter: You must have really outdone yourself this time, Prongs!

Sirius: No, it's his son they're talking about, remember?

 

Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good.

 

Severus: He’d told her not to re-use the leaves!

 

He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously.  “Er – Petunia, dear – you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?”

 

Lily: Hey, my sister's name is Petunia!

Peter: Petunia??

James/Sirius: You've got to be kidding!

Lily: (uneasily) blond hair, a long neck, likes to snoop and her name is Petunia…guys, this is getting weird.

 

As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally

 

Sirius: Seven.

James: Enough, already!

 

pretended she didn't have a sister.

 

Sirius:  I should try that some day. Oh wait; I don't have a sister!

 

“No,” she said sharply. “Why?”

 

“Funny stuff on the news,” Mr. Dursley mumbled. “Owls…shooting stars…and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today…”

 

“So?” snapped Mrs. Dursley.

 

“Well, I just thought ... maybe ... it was something to do with ... you know... her crowd.”

 

Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.

 

Peter: (makes slurping noises.)

 

Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name “Potter”. He decided he didn't dare.

 

Lucius: He shouts at people all day but daren't speak up to his own wife? Muggles!

     

Instead he said, as casually as he could, “Their son – he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?”

 

“I suppose so,” said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.

 

“What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?”

 

“Harry.  Nasty, common name, if you ask me.”

 

Remus: We didn’t ask you!

Lucius: The Muggle woman has a point.

Lily: I don't know, I kinda like it.

 

“Oh yes,” said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. “Yes, I quite agree.”

 

He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.  While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there.  It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something.

     

Severus: Professor, don't you have some papers to grade?

 

Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?  If it did…if it got out that they were related to a pair of – well, he didn't think he could bear it.

 

Lucius: Any Muggles claiming kinship with my family would be eradicated.

Remus: Is that experience speaking?

Peter: Yes, some Muggle skeletons in the closet, Malfoy?

Lucius: A whole collection. Care to add yours?

Peter: Eep!

 

The Dursleys got into bed.  Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind.  His last, comforting thought was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley.

 

James: There's no reason for anyone to come near you and the Missus!

 

The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind ...

 

James: You don't want to know what the Potters think about your kind!

Lucius: Ah, glimmers of intelligence.

Lily: (hurt) James!

James: Wait! I didn't mean Muggles! Just gits!

 

He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on – he yawned and turned over – it couldn't affect them…

 

Sirius: How very wrong he was.

 

How very wrong he was.

 

Sirius: I knew it!

 

Mr. Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness. It was sitting still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.  It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead.  In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.

 

Lily: You'd think it would have to go find a bush sooner or later.

 

A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.  The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.

 

James: (mimicking a Scottish brogue) And just what are you doing off of school grounds at this hour?

 

Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive. He was tall, thin and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak, which swept the ground and high-heeled, buckled boots.  His blue eyes were light, bright and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.  

 

Marauders: Dumbledore.

Severus: Trust a Gryffindor to belabor the obvious.

 

This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.

 

Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.  But he did seem to realize he was being watched,

 

Sirius: Or he would have scratched where it itches!

Lily: Hey, he's the Headmaster – show a little respect!

Lucius: It's not as if he shows any respect for our old wizarding traditions…

Marauders: Shut up, Malfoy!

 

because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street.  For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.  He chuckled and muttered, “I should have known.”

 

Peter: It is McGonagall!

 

He had found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop.

     

Sirius: Does the little mom know about this?

Remus: Tomorrow she'll find out… her hubby ran off with an old flame.

 

He clicked it again – the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,

 

Lily: Put-Outer? Is that a word?

James: Lil, you've seen those, they sell them in Hogsmeade.

 

until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him. If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.

 

Lucius: And he has to accomplish this before he can rendezvous with Professor McGonagall? Then the rumors are true.

James: Shut up, Malfoy.

 

Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.

     

“Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.”

    

He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone.  Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes.  She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one.

     

Sirius: Why emerald?

Remus: She’s a Slytherin supporter. Duh.

(Lucius and Severus look affronted.)

Lily: Actually, I think the McGonagall tartan has a lot of green in it.

 

Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun.  She looked distinctly ruffled.

 

"How did you know it was me?"

 

Sirius: (as Dumbledore) Merlin's beard woman, I've known you since you were a student!

James: (as Dumbledore) I've seen you in your Animagus form about a thousand times!

Remus: (as Dumbledore) Your breed and markings are on record at the Misuse of Magic office for crying out loud!    

     

“My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly.”

 

Peter: and that's a good reason too.

 

“You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day,” said Professor McGonagall.

 

Lily: And I really need to go find a bush!

 

“All day?  When you could have been celebrating?  I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here.”

    

Marauders: Weren’t we invited?

 

Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.

 

Lucius: Apparently she wasn’t.

Marauders: Shut up, Malfoy!

 

“Oh yes, everyone’s celebrating, all right,” she said impatiently.  “You’d think they’d be a bit more careful, but no – even the Muggles have noticed something’s going on.  It was on their news.”  She jerked her head back at the Dursley’s dark living room window.  “I heard it.  Flocks of owls…shooting stars…Well, they’re not completely stupid. 

 

Remus: Shooting stars aren’t completely stupid?

 

They were bound to notice something.  Shooting stars down in Kent – I’ll bet that was Dedalus Diggle.

 

Peter: Who’s Dedalus Diggle?

Remus: Flitwick’s nephew; graduated a couple of years ago.

James/Sirius: (whining) When do we show up?

Lily: Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Sirius/James: Yes, please.

 

He never had much sense.”

 

“You can’t blame them,” said Dumbledore gently.  We’ve had precious little to celebrate for eleven years.”

 

Peter: So, You-Know-Who’s been around for eleven years? I thought it had only been…

Remus: I think this book is from the future, Pete.

Peter: Oh.

 

“I know that, ” said Professor McGonagall irritably.  “But that’s no reason to lose our heads.

 

Peter: Sir Nicholas already has that covered.

 

People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors.”

    

Severus: Even Black isn’t that stupid.

Sirius: Shut up, Snape!

 

She threw a sharp,

 

Lucius: dagger?

 

sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. “A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?”

 

“It certainly seems so,” said Dumbledore. “We have much to be thankful for.  Would you care for a lemon drop?”

 

James/Sirius: A what?

 

“A what?”

 

“A lemon drop.

 

Lily: A lemon drop. (Pulls a small bag out of her pocket.) Here, I’ve still got some from my last visit home. (She passes them around. Starts to pass a couple to Severus and Lucius.)

Lucius: Severus, don’t eat things a Mudblood has handled.

Lily: Sev, does he always tell you what to do?

 

They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of.”

 

“No, thank you,” said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.

 

James: Offer her a mouse!

 

“As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone –”

 

“My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this ‘You-Know-Who’ nonsense – for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort.”

 

(Everyone flinches)

 

Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was un-sticking two lemons drops, seemed not to notice. “It all gets so confusing if we keep saying ‘You-Know-Who’”.

 

Sirius: Yeah, some people don’t know who.

 

I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name.”

 

“I know you haven't,” said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. “But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of.”

 

Lucius: You wish!

 

“You flatter me,” said Dumbledore calmly. “Voldemort had powers I will never have.”

 

“Only because you’re too – well – noble to use them.”

 

Lily: Aww!

Lucius: There’s no such thing as power in disuse. Power only exists if you use it.

Remus: The philosophy of Nietzsche.

Severus: Didn’t he teach at Durmstrang?

Remus: He was a Muggle. I doubt it.

 

“It’s lucky it’s dark.  I haven’t blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.”

 

Lily/Peter: Awww!

 

Professor McGonagall shot a sharp

 

Lucius: Arrow?

 

look at Dumbledore and said, “The owls are nothing to the  rumors that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?”

 

Lucius: Still more wishful thinking.

Sirius: No, we don’t know.

James: So, why don’t you tell us already?

           

It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a

 

Lucius: Long pin?

Lily: And speaking of fixations…

 

piercing stare as she had now. It was plain that whatever “everyone” was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.

 

Lucius: Showing his usual grasp of priorities.

 

“What they're saying,” she pressed on, is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow.

 

James: Hey that's where I live. Maybe this Harry kid really is my son!

 

He went to find the Potters.

 

James: He went looking for my parents???

 

The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are – are – that they're – dead.”

 

Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.

 

(shocked silence)

James: I’m… dead?

Lucius: Well done, Voldemort!

Marauders & Lily: Shut up, Malfoy!

Remus: Maybe it isn’t real. It’s supposed to be fiction, maybe it won’t happen!

Lily: If it is real, it stinks! And who the hell is Lily Potter?

Remus: Don’t look that way, Lil, there are lots of women named Lily.

Lily: Who have Muggle sisters named Petunia?

Severus: I doubt that it’s you, Evans. I have more respect for your taste.

Sirius: Shut up, Greaseball.

(tense silence)

Remus: Shall I keep reading?

Sirius: Yes.  Maybe we’ll find out who kills them.

Severus: I thought the book made that quite clear.

James: I wonder if we can get the next four?

Remus: Next four what?

James: Check the front. There’s a list of four other books. I’d like to know what’s going to happen to my son. (looks at Lily, bewildered) Our son?

(Lily shrugs, equally bewildered.)

Remus: If we keep reading, we’ll find out.

 

“Lily and James…I can't believe it…I didn't want to believe it…Oh, Albus…”

 

James: (mimicking a Scottish brogue) I’m so sorry I gave them detention!

Lily: Not funny.

 

Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. “I know…I know…” he said heavily.

 

Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. “That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry. But – he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy.

 

Lily: So You-Know-Who has a heart after all?

James: Somehow I don’t think that’s why.

 

No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke – and that's why he's gone.”

 

Lucius: Lies! All lies!

 

Dumbledore nodded glumly.

 

Remus: Oh really?

 

“It's – it's true?” faltered Professor McGonagall.

 

Remus: See?

 

“After all he's done…all the people he's killed…he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding…of all the things to stop him…but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?”

 

“We can only guess,” said Dumbledore. “We may never know.”

 

Sirius: (grimly) We’d better find out.

Lucius: (pulls memo book from pocket and writes) Note to self: Respectfully…suggest…Dark Lord…not…attack baby.

 

Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles.  Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it.

 

Peter: Before transfiguring it into another handkerchief?

Severus: Here, little Dumbledore. Blow!

 

It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.

 

Lily: Huh?

Lucius: It’s a lunar watch, you ignorant Mudblood.

Marauders: Shut up, Malfoy!

 

It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, “Hagrid's late.  I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?”

 

Remus: No, she’s just been sitting on a stone wall all day watching a family of completely strange Muggles because she had nothing better to do.

 

“Yes,” said Professor McGonagall. “And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?”

 

“I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.  They're the only family he has left now.”

 

James: What?! Dragon dung! What about my parents??

(pause.)

Remus: (as gently as possible) A lot can happen in six years, Prongs.

(Silence while James absorbs this.)

James: Guys, promise me something?

Sirius/Remus/Peter: What?

James: If I do ever have a kid and then die, promise one of you will take care of him!

(Marauders look at each other and then look at Lily.)

Remus: Er, is that ok with you, Lil? In case you’re the Lily they’re talking about?

Lily: I guess so. A kid could do worse.

(Marauders look back at James and murmur assent.)

James: Hell, before I’d let those Dursleys have him, I’d ask Snape to raise him!

Severus: (coldly) I’m touched.

Sirius: You always were.

 

“You don't mean – you can't mean the people who live here?”

 

Lily: You tell him, Professor!

 

cried Professor McGonagall, jumping

 

Sirius: Off a cliff.

Peter: Up a tree?

Lucius: Over to the dark side…

Lily: Into Dumbledore’s arms.

Sirius: What?!

Lucius: So even her own Gryffindors admit there’s something going on?

Lily: Why do you have to make everything sound dirty, Lucius? I think they’d be sweet together.

Lucius: (as the others gag) You know, Evans, they’re doing some wonderful things with psychotherapy nowadays.

Peter: So where does McG. actually jump?

 

to her feet and pointing at number four. “Dumbledore – you can't.  I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us.

 

Lucius: Oh, I’ve noticed some similarities…

Severus: McGonagall and the Dursley woman both seem to take an interest in things that are none of their business…

 

And they've got this son – I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets.

 

James: (mimicking a Scottish brogue) And then he got away from her and pulled my tail!

 

Harry Potter come and live here!”

 

“It's the best place for him,” said Dumbledore firmly.

 

Lucius: I never thought I’d agree with the man.

Remus: Best compared to what?

 

“His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter.”

 

James: Oh that's a big help!

 

“A letter?” repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. “Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?

 

Sirius: Dear Dursleys, Here is your nephew, Harry, who at the age of one year old has single-handedly defeated the greatest evil force in the history of the wizarding world. We rely on you to bring him up decently and with a proper respect for his heritage and you don’t want to know what will happen to you if you let us down. Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore.  P.S. your sister is dead.

Lily: That was kind of insensitive, Sirius.

Sirius: Serves them right!

Severus: Speaking of “insensitive”, I find it interesting, Potter, that your so-called “friends” have just learned that you’re going to die young and they’re sitting here making jokes.

Sirius: None of this is going to happen! We’ll find a way to stop it! And we don’t need you to lecture us on how to stand by our friends, you greasy git!    

 

These people will never understand him!

 

James: Their loss.

 

He'll be famous – a legend – I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future –

 

Lily: I wonder what a Harry Potter Day card would look like?

Peter: Hairy?

James: Happy Harry Potter Day – may all your “You-Know-Who’s suffer “You-Know-What.”

 

there will be books written about Harry –

 

Remus: Like this one, for instance?

 

every child in our world will know his name!”

 

“Exactly,” said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. “It would be enough to turn any boy's head.

 

James: So keep him in our world and raise him under a different name! Duh!

Sirius: Harry White and his adopted Dad, Sirius.

Severus: Changing Black to White? Such a clever disguise! I’m sure no-one below moron level would suspect a thing!

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

 

Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?”

           

Severus: He may have a point. Save the boy from becoming arrogant. (looks pointedly at James.)

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

 

Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed and then said, “Yes – yes, you're right, of course.

 

Lucius: Sickening sycophant.

Remus: And you know sycophants, eh, Malfoy?

 

But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?”  She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.

 

James: (as Dumbledore) What? I thought you had him!

Lily: Actually, the Under-Cloak Concealment spell is pretty basic.

Lucius: My dear Lily, is there something you aren't telling us?

Lily: Shhh, I want to find out how Harry's getting there.

 

“Hagrid's bringing him.”

 

James: Hoo-boy! My son survived You-Know-Who; is he up for an evening with Hagrid?!

 

“You think it – wise – to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?”

 

“I would trust Hagrid with my life,” said Dumbledore.

 

Lucius: At your age, professor, that’s not much of a risk.

James: Can it, Malfoy, I’d trust him with my life too! (Pause.) But not my baby boy’s! Come on, Dumbledore, this is important!

 

“I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place,” said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, “but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to –

 

Lucius: Hang out with flesh-eating monsters?

Severus: Sit on fragile items?

James: Stop it! Just stop it!

 

what was that?”

 

A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them.

 

Severus: Hagrid’s missed a meal. I guess he didn’t snack on Potter Jr. after all.

Lucius: Pity, that.

 

It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky – and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.

 

Severus: Aren’t those illegal?

Lucius: Only if you’re caught.

Lily: I think there’s a special permit you can get.

Sirius: First it rains shooting stars, now motorcycles. Wait till the Muggle Weatherman hears about that one!

 

If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide.

 

Lily: That's an exaggeration.

Lucius: Really? Have you measured him?

 

He looked simply too big to be allowed,

 

Peter: Allowed to what?

 

and so wild – long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.

 

James: A bundle of blankets? What about my son!

Lily: Our son! (stops and blushes) er…

Remus: James, I think he’s in the blankets.

 

“Hagrid,” said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. “At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?”

 

“Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir,” said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. “Young Sirius Black lent it me.

 

Sirius: You’re kidding!

Severus: I trust you have a permit, Black, or I’ll report you in a heartbeat!

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

 

I've got him, sir.”

 

“No problems, were there?”

 

Peter: No, sir, I sat on him a couple of times, but he seemed to take it alright.

James/Lily: Pete!

Peter: Sorry.

 

“No, sir – house was almost destroyed but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round.

 

Lucius: Someone really ought to invent an effective repellant.

 

He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol.” Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was

    

Sirius: A three-headed puppy.

(James smacks Sirius)

 

a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.

          

James: What kind of curse would leave a mark like that?

Sirius: You’ve got me.

(They look around. Even the Slytherins are mystified.)

           

“Is that where – ?” whispered Professor McGonagall.

 

Lucius: No, you stupid woman, he cut himself shaving!

 

“Yes”, said Dumbledore. “He'll have that scar forever.”

 

“Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?”

 

“Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

 

Lucius: (leering) So if you ever need to find your way around, my dear…

Remus: Well, since she didn’t know about it, that proves there’s nothing going on. Sorry, Lil.

Sirius: Unless they leave the lights off.

All: Shut up, Sirius.

 

Well – give him here, Hagrid – we'd better get this over with.”

 

James: Get over with ruining my son’s life, is all!

 

Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house.

 

“Could I – could I say goodbye to him, sir?” asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.

 

Severus: First the scar, now whisker-burn. I almost feel sorry for the boy.

 

Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.

 

Remus/Sirius: HOWL!!!

Lily: What is it with you two and the dog thing?

 

“Shhh!” hissed Professor McGonagall, “you'll wake the Muggles!”

    

“S-s- sorry,” sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. “But I c-c-can't stand it – Lily an' James dead – an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles –”

 

Lily: I’ve lived with Muggles most of my life. There are worse fates.

James: Not these Muggles!

 

“Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found,”

 

Severus: She’s showing remarkably good sense for a Gryffindor.

 

Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets

 

Peter: In case Harry woke up in the night and wanted something to read?

 

and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.

 

Remus: And it’s such a nuisance to change the bulbs.

           

“Well,” said Dumbledore finally, “that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations.”

 

James: We're dead and they're celebrating? Thanks loads, Prof!

Lily: You mean he’s just going to leave him lying on the step all night? What if somebody takes him?!? And didn’t they say it was going to rain?

Lucius: For once, I agree with you, Mudblood. And people seem to think Dumbledore is fit to have charge of children?

Sirius: (absently) Shut up, Malfoy.

 

“Yeah,” said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, “I'll be takin’ Sirius his bike back.

     

Sirius: Yeah, and while you’re at it, bring me the kid back! I’ll go into hiding with him if I have to!

James: Thanks, Siri.

 

G'night, Professor McGonagall – Professor Dumbledore, sir.”

    

Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.

 

“I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall,”

 

Sirius: When I come to spring you from the SPCA.

Others: What?

Lily: It’s a Muggle thing.

 

said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.

     

Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street.

 

Peter: Paws to reflect.

 

He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.

 

Lily: (growling) You’d just better have put a protection spell on him, that’s all I’ve got to say!

 

A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream

 

Sirius: Welcome to your new family, kid!

Lily: I’ll bet my Harry can scream louder than you can, Petunia!

 

as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley...

 

James: Come on, Harry, fight back! You kicked the Dark Lord's butt, a little gitlet like Dudley should be no problem!

Remus: “Gitlet”?

James: Small git.

 

he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: “To Harry Potter – the boy who lived!”

 

Remus: And, that is the end of chapter one.

James: Lil, next time your family comes to Hogwarts for Parents’ Day, do you mind if I kick your sister’s arse in advance?

Lily: Get in line!