[... static ...]

[...]

[... blackness ...]

[...]

[... static again ...]

[...]

[... more blackness ...]

[...]

[... still more static ...]

[...]

[... And yet more blackness. Monotonous, isn't it?]

[Suddenly, a small, lime green number appears in one of the screen's four corners... like a bright beacon... uh... beaconing out of... er... blackness. ... In a corner. Or something. And appearing shortly thereafter are more of the same, bright, lime green numbers... all rapidly changing from one digit to the next, without even a thought or a care in the world. Not to say that numbers actually have the ability to think... or care... but if they did? Oh-ho, brother, WATCHIT! ... Soon, the screen is filled to the brim with transmogrifying numerical numbers {is there any other kind? Am I right ladies? ...}. With numbers switching to other numbers like monkies in a zoo... switching to other monkies in a zoo... generic techno music begins to play. And as they say, "Where there's techno music... there's glowsticks". Am I right ladies? Huh? Yeah, the girl in the third row knows what I'm talkin about ;) How you doin' there, sexy mama. :-*]

[And so, as techno music plays, and the screen fills with numbers, we take a minute to... well, switch channels. What else are you gonna do? Listen to TECHNO?! TECHNO for Christ sake! Jeez... Ya pervert. Let's see what else good is on... we flip past a fishing show... a golf tournament... a bowling program... something about a guy marrying an alligator.... Hey, it's the news!]

News Reporter: A plane crashed earlier today, 150 miles west of Virginia, with 132 passengers on-board. There were NO survivors. And now, on a more serious note, the election is heating up -

[... Alright, let's see if someone's fixed the AWE promo network... Ok, the numbers are still showing up, but now the techno music has been replaced by polka. ... What in GOD'S name did I do to deserve this job? I mean, seriously? Techno, and now polka? What, just because I assist in a few suicides... bomb a few houses... commit an armed robbery or two, you'd think someone looked down on me as some sorta BAD guy or something! I mean, is it SO wrong to wish death upon an entire nation because they banned you for "supposedly" smuggling out a bag of weed or two. ... Or three. Or perhaps a boatload, but REGARDLESS!]

[The polka is now replaced by mellow jazz, with a tempo so smooth you could just run your fingers through it like... something... running through something. That was smooth. DAMMIT, I'M NOT PAID TO MAKE COMPARISONS! Good gravy... As the music continues to play, the numbers slowly dissapear... before there is but three numbers... and two rods. ... I mean words. Rods. Man, am I drunk or something? Yes.]

[The message left, in a blackly black screen of blackness and blacktitude? None other than the message that whispers in the night... calling to the wolves as they howl at the moon like... ... Dammit, just read the damn message for... crying out loud.]

*hoff_jack.123*

[As if you didn't know that was the message. It's in the fuggin' title, and it's not as if Jack... er, I mean, "Whoever it may be", is going to take enough time to think up more than one secret message. This ain't no stinkin' 'Upon_Us' or 'Savior_Self' or crap like that... The message gets a bit static-y... a bit hazy... flashing a tiny bit... before it vanishes into a whisp of air. Not... ACTUAL air... as it's just a screen. ... And it's not... like... an area of open land, or anything. ... Where there would be air. You know, because air couldn't just, like, be on a screen... a tv screen. It could be AROUND the actual tv, but... Not... IN the tv. ... as in on the tv screen. Not... IN, in, but in, as in on what's appearing IN the tv. So more like on. Because inside? Yeah, there's probably some air in there. I mean, yeah, there's gotta be SOME air in a tv set. It's an object. And all objects contain some modicum of air... They say when you get buried there's no air down there, but like, I'm like, HEY... man. Guy. There's air. How would YOU know there's no air. You're not... in a grave. Dumbass. ... So there.]

[...]

[Ahem.]

[*cough*]

[OH, oh yeah, the promo. Ok. With the message gone, the screen is now black again. ...]

[...]

[... static ...]

[...]

[... black- OH DEAR LORD! Not this shit again!]

__________________________________

- Sunday, January 5th, 2008 / 10:25pm -

- Location: Parts Unknown, Oklahoma / Hoff House -

Voice: Sometimes... you feel like a nut. Sometimes... you are one. This is the story... of seven people... who were forced to live in a house... ... Oh wait, Real World flashback, sorry.

[We open to a dimly lit room... No windows, and all that can be seen by our camera is a dusty lightbulb dangling from above... oh, and a chair. And a guy. In the chair. ... So that'd be three things. The chair is turned around, with the guy sitting, stomach to the chair's backrest. Both of his meaty arms are folded across the top of the backrest... showing off a pair of rather hairy limbs. His gut is chubby, he wears a pair of sweat pants, a white wifebeater shirt {editor's note: AWE does not condone the act of wife beating. Or the act of wearing white after Labor Day. It's just tacky. Thank you, now, back to your regularly scheduled promo by Jack Hoff. ... I mean... by NOT Jack Hoff. Because he's not. Jack Hoff, that is.} And over his eyes he wears a mask, concealing his identity. ... Well, actually, it's just a black bandana with some ragged eyeholes poked through, so really, you can see that he's balding and has a moustache. ... I mean, come on people, you KNOW who it is, I mean, the guy posted under his NAME! He didn't even go through the trouble of using a secret identity or anything!]

Jack Hoff: HEY! You shut up ya damn narrator person guy!

[Come on, Jack, you were already announced on the homepage of AWE.com, it's not like it's some big secret or anything!]

Jack Hoff: Who's Jack?! Noone knows who I am! It's such a secret, I don't even know who I am yet! I'll just have to wait and find out like everyone else!

[... Jack, you do know you're not Chris Jericho, right?]

Jack Hoff: I am so! ... I mean. I'm not Chris Jericho, but... I'm BETTER than Chris Jericho! Chris Jericho WISHES he were me! And when the world finds out who I am, and what I've come to do, they'll be glad they started watchin' AWE, 'cuz baby, the world of wrestling BEGINS with Jack Hoff! ... WHOEVER THAT MAY BE! ... Who ISN'T ME. If you were thinking that.

[Jack-]

Jack Hoff: DAMMIT, LISTEN HERE YOU -

Jack Hoff's Wife: Could you PLEASE keep it down over there!? SOME of us are trying to sleep!

[The camera pans over a bit, to find that Jack Hoff's wife is in bed -]

Jack Hoff: Quit callin' her Jack Hoff's Wife!!! She is NOT Jack Hoff's Wife!

Jack Hoff's Wife: What the hell are you goin' on about? I sure as hell coulda sworn I was married to Jack Hoff! Ain't nobody looks as ugly naked as you, that's fer DAMN sure!

Jack Hoff: {looks over to his wife} SHUT UP WOMAN! Maybe if ya looked in the mirror once or twice, ya might find someone that looks just a tad uglier, ya two faced cow!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Who you tellin' tah shut up, ya damn dirty ape!

Jack Hoff: Go back tah sleep, ya hairy-legged frog licker!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Well, I WILL if you SHUT THE HELL UP and take that DAMN camera of yours some place else! Not all of us are wrasslers ya know! Why don't you get a REAL job for once!

Jack Hoff: Atleast I GOT a job! You money-grubbin' old BAG! I oughta divorced you when I heard I got a job with AWE! Now I'm going to be a BIG STAR, and I ain't got no time fer no damn HANGERS-ON LIKE YERSELF!!! ... Ya old BAG!

Jack Hoff's Wife: *snort* Big Star? YOU?! Oh please, gimme a GAT dam break! You can't draw a crowd! Hell, the only thing yer good at's drawin flies!

Jack Hoff: Whadya mean? I've been studyin' up on my whole damn wrestlin' tape collection, and I know EVERYTHING about wrestlin'. I know the catchphrases! I know the fancy shmancy hand signs! I even know all the moves one could possibly ever wanna know! Hell, you could call me the man of 1,000 and a half moves!

Jack Hoff's Wife: ... A half? How the hell do ya learn HALF a move?

Jack Hoff: That's for me to know and for you to... not know. Now, I'll take this camera somewhere a bit more private so I can tell the millions watching at home the REAL reason I have come... to AWE.

Jack Hoff's Wife: Good. And make sure it's not in the bathroom, or you'll probably be up all night makin' that damn video, 'cuz every time you go an' sit on the can, it's about a week before you're seen again!

Jack Hoff: That's so I can GET AWAY FROM YOU! ... Ya old BAG!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Goodnight.

Jack Hoff: Goodnight, honey.

- Sunday, January 5th, 2008 / 11:11pm -

- Location: Parts Unknown, Oklahoma / Hoff House / Kitchen -

[Jack Hoff is seen grabbing a salami sandwich - ]

Jack Hoff: QUIT CALLIN' ME JACK HOFF!

[Fine. That bald, fat ass with the face so ugly he had to hide it behind a mask - ]

Jack Hoff: AAAGH!!! Ok, call me Jack Hoff! Call me whatever ya damn well please, just let me eat my sandwich.

[What about the promo?]

Jack Hoff: What promo?

[...]

Jack Hoff: *munch, munch* Thish- *gulp* This here's a DAMN good sandwich. Good year, man. I made this thing back in 1995. DAMN good year.

[... Do you just like... stockpile food in the fridge, or something?]

Jack Hoff: ... Yeah? Doesn't everybody? *munch, munch*

[NO! EWWW! Gross, man! I mean... You DO know you get sick from eating food that's... 13 years old... *gag*]

Jack Hoff: Phff, ch'yeah, right. Superstitous mumbo jumbo. Good food's good food. Even if it DOES have mold. And hair. And a few ants. And other bugs, but REGARDLESS!

[Ok, well, I'm just going to say you finish up the sandwich so I don't have to watch that disgusting thing being chomped on anymore... blech... Jack Hoff finishes the sandwich -]

Jack Hoff: *beeeelch*

[... As I was saying. Jack Hoff finishes the sandwich, and rests a flabby arm on the counter. He looks into the cameras lens with a smarmy smirk spread across his face... He thinks to himself about gay porn, and ACTION!]

Jack Hoff: HEY!

[What?]

Jack Hoff: You know DAMN WELL what! I do NOT have a smarmy smirk on my face! I've got a look of determination... of self-contemplation... and of the knowledge that, in less than four weeks, the greatest All-Star in the HISTORY of Sports Entertainment is gonna step into that very ring... in front of the millions... and MILLIONS of the Hoff's fans... er, I mean, Whoever I May Be...'s fans... and lay-eth, down-eth, a beating-eth, on-eth, every single ONE...-eth, of those monkey candy eating coat asses! ...-eth. And once I do, AWE will never................................................... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER........ be the same........................................................................ . . . ... .. ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: .. -

[GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!]

Jack Hoff: ... A-gayn!!!

Jack Hoff: Ya see AWE, you don't know who I am...

[Right... ]

Jack Hoff: ... But soon? You will. And when you do, the name Jac- ... MY name, will eternally be etched in the annals of sports entertainment history, as the man... no, no, no, the SAVIOR, who came to All-Star Wrestling Entertainment, shined it up real nice and spiffy like, turned that sorry sumbitch sideways, and STICKED IT STRAIGHT... into the future! A future that is bright! A future that is GLORIOUS! For you SEE AWE, I, and I alone, am the one and only being that will be able to lead AWE in TO the future! AWE... I am here to save you. Fellow All-Stars... WHATCHA GONNA DO?! Whatcha gonna do, when the only thing you can do, is look up to ME, and believe in ME, and think of ME, and adore ME, and love ME, and know ME is... I mean, I AM... going to be the one that each and every one of you kneel before... lowering to your worthless hands and knees as you kiss my feet! WHATCHA GONNA DO... when the one and only... uh... ME... runs wild on AWE!!!!!!!!~11 And ya wanna know why? Simple. It's because I AM the Game, BOY! I AM the Best There Is, Was, Will Be, May Be, Should Be, Could Be, Oughta Be, Gonna Be, Spelling Bee, Bumble Bee, Tommy LEE! I AM the NAITCH-

...

Jack Hoff: - ahhh Boy, WOOO!!! And above all else, without a shadow of a doubt, after the smoke clears, the dust settles, and I've ran out of catchphrases, I will BE...

~ ... your savior ~