"Rock the Cradle of Love...
Rock the Cradle of Love..."
"Yes, the Cradle of Love... don't Rock
Easy."
"And neither do I..."
[The camera
fades in upon a can of Sudweiser... the alcoholic contents dripping out
from within, forming a small pool around the aluminum container's
underside. The liquid sticks to the wooden table below like a squirrel to
a clam. ... Or would that be, like a walrus to a nut?
Whatever.]
[Suddenly, and without warning, as well as from out of
the blue and other redundant phrases that mean just about the
same damn thing, a hand reaches out from off camera... a chubby hand,
with chubby fingers, obviously belonging to a chubby arm...
attached to what could only be a chubby being, who may or may not be
addicted to masturbation - ]
Jack Hoff:
HEY!!!
[What is it THIS
time?]
Jack Hoff: What's with all the references to me being
chubby? I'm not that chubby... I'm just big boned.
[ ... Jack, ]
Jack
Hoff: Who's this 'Jack' you speak of? Does he ALSO
work for AWE? Because last time I checked the mirror... the image starin'
back was a whole lot different than that of some jack off named... uh...
Jack Hoff. Quoth the Ostrich - Drew Barrymore!
[The camera pans over from the now empty coffee table {well,
aside from the heaps and heaps of garbage piled randomly upon it},
to... oh dear lord. We now find Jack, cranium covered by a ragged,
brown wig with twigs and leaves sticking out here and there... His
usual white wifebeater has been replaced with a stained, black t-shirt,
with the black and white image of
an ostrich emblazoned across the front. Because when you think
of "cunning bird of prey", you IMMEDIATELY envision a big, dopey, clumsy
oaf who constantly sticks his head in the dirt... Fits Jack to a tee,
actually... He sits upon the torn, beaten surface of his living
room sofa... his legs adorned in ripped jean shorts. And around his waist,
tied in a knot, is a long-sleeve, flannel shirt. And if it can tie around
HIS waist, it must have some DAMN long sleeves... His face is hidden
behind the same bandanna with eyeholes cut through that he wore in his
first appearance...]
Jack Hoff: First... FIRST APPEARANCE?!
WHAT first appearance? The man you see before you... is a man never before
seen on AWE airwaves. A man... but not just a man. A bird of vengeance...
with blood on its beak, and hate on... its, uh... feathers... Or
something. I am... OSTRICH!
[Jack takes a swig
from his can of Suds... downing the entire contents, before crushing the
can in his bare fist, and tossing the remnants behind him.
He stares into the camera's lens with a look of stern concentration. Or is
it just constipation?]
Jack Hoff: We stand in a vaccum of
bleak and harmonious indifference. Immune to the deafening turbulance of a
harrowing cloud of tumultous ragu. THESE... these, are the Days of
Our Lives. As the World Turns, we seek a Guiding Light... but do we find
one? Somebody once told me, the world is gonna roll me... I ain't the
sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb wih her finger and
her thumb in the shape of an 'L' on her forehead. Well, the years
start coming... and they don't stop coming. Back to the rule and
I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun...
Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so
much to see... so what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never
know if you don't go... You'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey now,
you're an All-Star, get your game on, and go play. Hey now, you're a
Rock Star, get the show on... and get paid. And all that glitters? It's
gold.
Jack Hoff: Only shooting stars can break the
mold.
[... What in the lime
green HELL was THAT?]
Jack Hoff: It was the resonating
words from within the deepest, darkest sanctum of my cold, black heart...
A few morsels of wisdom from an otherwise downtrodden soul, shredded to
pieces by the unforgiving grasp of this world's deadly talons. A
stillness in a -
[Actually, I'm pretty sure it
was just the first verse to Smash Mouth's "All
Star"...]
Jack Hoff: I was born into a world of hatred...
Not a single person has bore forgiveness... remorse... mercy. This world
is a gargantuan cataclysm of preordinant judgementality of fiery
damnation... risen from a kaleidescope of torment and unbridled
colgate.
[... Colgate? As in the toothpaste?
... Jack, are you even TRYING to make sense?]
Jack Hoff: Is
it I who doth not make sense... are thee that maketh too
MUCH?
[Oh come ON now! Raven doesn't
even USE words like 'doth' and 'thee'! You're obviously just throwing
shit at the wall to see what sticks!]
Jack Hoff: And
you got a problem with that?
[Well... not
really. I get paid either way... But couldn't you atleast try and address
your opponent?]
Jack Hoff: Opponent? I don't have an
opponent! For I am OSTRICH! Quoth the Ostrich - Michael
Moore!!!
[Yeah... what was I thinking. You
don't have a snowball's chance in HELL of winning your match... Hell,
even if Ross hadn't made a promo, you would have been down on the mat in
like, what, one... two minutes tops?]
Jack Hoff: DAMMIT!
Enough's enough, and it's time for a change!
[Jack rips off the dirty wig and flings it to the even
dirtier trailer floor. His bald dome shines in the light like a... a...
really, bright... shiny thing.]
Jack Hoff: Narrator
Person... the time is Upon_Us. I told the boys in the back... I told the
corporate suits... I told the fans... I told the mailman... I told my wife
at 4:30 in the morning when she was trying to sleep... I even told some
homeless bum I met digging through our dumpster! I told them all, I told
the WORLD... Plus half of Neptune and parts of Saturn... that the reason
I, Jack... er, I mean, WHOEVER I may be... was coming to AWE... was to
save it. Save it from those who would threaten it. For I am the True
Savior... and the guy with ALLLLL the Stroke around HERE! And at
Spectacle... the very FIRST Spectacle... AWE's Personal Hero will begin
his journey... to fulfill his destiny.
[Or,
more than likely, you're just going to end up making a giant ass of
yourself...]
Jack Hoff: WHO ASKED YOU?! How are you SO damn
certain I'm gonna lose?
[Well, it just appears
to me like... well, for one thing, Ross trains. You...
don't.]
Jack Hoff: I TRAIN! I train plenty!
[... When?]
Jack Hoff: All the time! Hell, I'm
training right now!
[...]
Jack
Hoff: Wait... I mean sittin' on my ass. I always get 'training' and
'sittin' on my ass doin' nothing' mixed up. But hey, they're close
enough.
[... And for another thing, Ross has...
well, he's actually been in a match before. He's a TEN TIME
World Champion for Gilbert Goddfrey's sake! While you... you'd be
lucky if you could last more than five minutes in the ring with Earl
Hebner!]
Jack Hoff: Narrator, do you know how much this
match MEANS to me? Do you know how much this match means to the
wrestling world as a whole? It signifies the starting point in my
quest. A quest to save AWE... and the AWE World Title. Because lemme tell
ya somethin', bud, if any of those other two bit hack jobs in the Dead End
Tournament end up with the belt? It'll be this company's DEATH
KNELL. There's no fuggin' chance AWE could survive if the one and
only handsome, muscular, athletic, debonair, and without a doubt
GOD-Like specimen on the roster didn't have the big gold strap around
his waist. And baby, you're LOOKIN' at that specimen!
[Well, I may be looking at a specimen... but he's certainly
not "God-like". Fat... bald... hairy? Sure. But God-like? Maybe if you're
talking in the way that "We're all God's creatures", because you sure as
hell ARE a creature... of SOME sort.]
Jack Hoff: SHUT
UP! Shut up, shut up, SHUT -
Voice: Why don't
YOU shut up, before I have to go in there and stuff my foot down yer
cotton-pickin' throat?!
Jack Hoff: WOMAN! You shut your damn
trap before I haffta go in there and open up a can of the whoop the
ass!
Jack Hoff's Wife: Oh, stop rippin' off
material from that Italian guy! Can't you ever think of something original
for once?!
Jack Hoff: You want original? I'll SHOW you
original! How 'bout I take that battery-operated "toy" you like tah stick
in yer Hoo-Ha and smash it under a few tons of cement
BRICKS?!
Jack Hoff's Wife: YOU WOULDN'T
DARE!!!
Jack Hoff: Oh-ho yes I would!
Jack Hoff's Wife: Atleast that thing gives me more pleasure
than you ever could... you with yer shriveled up ol'
toothpick!
Jack Hoff: THAT'S IT! I'm taking the camera
outside, cuz it's CLOBBERIN' TIME!!!
[Jack picks up the camera, and storms into the bedroom,
hurriedly grabbing his wife's personal phallic device, as she screams at
him to put it down... Jack not budging an inch in his determined walk to
the outside, device in towe...]
__________________________________
- Tuesday January 15th, 2008 / 11:47pm
-
- Location:
Parts Unknown, Oklahoma / Hoff House /
Front Lawn -
[Jack is now
outside, in a yard surrounded by broken down cars and trucks... rusted
paint, missing wheels... and not a single working vehicle in sight. Jack
grips the device, before resting it on the driveway... and picking up a
cement brick. Still clad in the torn shorts and black Ostrich tee, as well
as the ever present bandanna, Jack rolls the brick around in his
hand... He speaks, with his gaze set squarely on the
device.]
Jack Hoff: Ross... {looks up
toward the camera... with a bit of a smile playing at his
lips} Can I call ya Jim?
Jack Hoff: Standing across from me
at the first EVER Spectacle... will be yourself. An underdog, some may
call you. To me... you're more than just an underdog. Cuz' bucko... if you
hadn't realized it yet, I am the present... the future. The hero... the
savior. I am the Alpha, and the Omega. I am the Truth... and the Lie. I am
the one man franchise... and not a single, solitary, soul yet knows the
face which lies behind this mask!
[... Jack,
why would you even be addressing Ross Goddfred, Jack Hoff's opponent... if
you weren't Jack Hoff? It's OBVIOUS Jack, just... just let it
go.]
Jack Hoff: AHEM... Ross. Many people love underdog
stories... they love cheering on those that are looked at as natural
losers. Born to take the fall, and when they pull out that rare victory,
they're perceived to be somewhat of a 'hero'. But ya wanna know the Truth,
Rossy-boy? Every DOG has his day... Anyone can win, any day, any where,
any time. Against ANYone. BUT... when that same person constantly proves
to be superior... better than all the rest, and above the pack? THEN, and
only then, do you have yourself a real life, bonified hero.
Jack
Hoff: And the man you're lookin' at right now? Well, unless you're deaf,
dumb, AND blind, you'd have come to the realization by now, that the ONLY
hero present on the AWE roster, IS that man. It's the same man
who's proved, time and again, that without a shadow of a doubt, he is
just THAT... damn... ok. And it's the same man that, come the
28th, is gonna bring your dreams of glory crashing to a halt... for
ON that day, the Hoff takes care of the first roadblock in his
path... to immortality.
Jack Hoff: You may have the muscles, and
the looks, and the 'not being a fat, lazy bastard without a shred of
dignity' -edness. But what do I have? What do I have, Ross? I'll TELL you
what I have!!!
[Suddenly, Jack drops the cement
brick directly on the electric device... which instantly shatters into
hundreds of pieces.]
Jack Hoff: I... have a broken dildo.
And buddy-boy, in this day and age, if that don't account for somethin'...
I sure as hell don't know what does.
[Jack
brushes the bits and pieces of plastic and whatnot from the pavement,
before heading back to the trailer. Jack leans against the trailer when he
gets there {geez, running out of breath simply by walking across the front
lawn... a sure sign you're in need of a diet}. Jack gasps for a handful of
minutes, before addressing the camera...]
Jack Hoff: Well,
Mr. Boxer... Mr. "Dark Knight". You may be in great shape, I'll give ya
that... *pant, pant* ... Good grief, gotta lay off-ah them triple decker
salami sandwiches with a side of pure lard... atleast for a week or so.
*sigh* Anyway, you may be in slightly better shape than me, but when you
start braggin' about street fightin'? Buddy, you must not know who you're
talking to! I was MADE for street fights! ... Mainly because I know less
ACTUAL wrestling maneuvres than either John Cena OR Randy Orton... Hell,
even Hulk Hogan himself has a more extensive arsenal than I do. But when
it comes to senselessly beating an opponent over the head with trash can
lids and 2x4's? That's where I shine!
Jack Hoff: I'm a brawler by
heart, so any crummy ol' streetfighter ain't gonna phase me a bit. But
I've also been studying wrasslin' tapes all my life, and even though I may
not know any actual holds or nothin', I know enough famous finishers and
trademark moves to put Eugene to SHAME! That's why, above all other
reasons, I'm destined to be this federation's "Knight" in shining armor.
It's because I know the game inside... and out. And I know exactly what it
takes to succeed. It takes fancy finishers, catchy... uh, catchphrases.
And a massive, backstage, political ego! All three of these
things, put together, are what make me, Jack Hoff... WHO IS NOT ME!!!...
They are what make me, The Unknown Savior of AWE, the... well, Savior of
AWE. And Rossy-ol'boy, ol' buddy, ol' PAL... it's what makes me, in the
end... simply put...
"Better
... Than ... You." |