[Well, I've FINALLY been hired by someone with their head screwed on straight. Hey there, guys, it's me, The Writer, Jack Hoff's former narrator. FORMER, thank God... But now, I'm fortunate enough to be calling the action for someone with a few more marbles left in their noggin, and a 'few' less pounds. Let's hope this works out for the best...]

[I've shopped my talents around a bit, and the decision came down to two stars. And seeing as how Suicide... well, let's face facts, he screwed up. Royally. I decided to go with the man that's walking into Spectacle this week WITH winning on the agenda. A superstar from the wonderful land up North... an AWE icon... the man that will be meeting Mike Mahone in a first round match-up this week... Duff. This oughta be a pleasure.]

[We begin our trek in... in... wait, this can't be right. Is this a bathroom?]

Voice: Unnngghh... *plop*

[...]

Voice: Phew! Takin' that crap was a helluva lot harder than it's gonna be tah beat that Milk Baloney sumbitch! But I'm not for sure which stinks worse. This piece ah shit... or that piece ah shit Milk Baloney! Hahaha, I crack me up!

[... Oh dear LORD no... it... it just CAN'T be...]

[... FUCK!]

[The door to the stall opens, and out comes FUCKING Jack Hoff. The fat load is in a long, black, curly wig; a leather jacket five sizes too small; acid wash jean shorts; a pair of sunglasses; and a black "GwarTellica" tee, with the slogan; "GwarTellica - Because if it's not GwarTellica, it's... something else." Seriously, do I have to continue with this crap? ... Seriously? ... Dammit, I need the cash the son-of-a-bitch is paying me... Aw hell, I guess I can do this ONE damn promo. But after this, I'm not accepting an offer until I know, for a fact, that it isn't just Hoff in one of his lame ass costumes! Jack, honestly, why don't you just find someone else to tag along you with in these horrible excuses for promos?]

Jack: The name isn't 'Jack'! ... It's Duff Beere d'EEdiot, eh?

[Oh Jesus Xavier Christ...]

"Duff": So, ya hoser, how's it been, eh?

[... CAN YOU PLEASE GET THIS DAMN THING OVER WITH?!]

"Duff": Ya know, momma always said daddy was like a box of chocolates. He'd constantly abuse her to the point of tears, before leaving to go have sex with some random hooker. ... Actually, come to think of it, daddy wasn't anything like a box of chocolates...

[Ugh...]

"Duff": Milk Baloney. I can not BELIEVE you'd lay a finger on a defenseless woman! A toe? Maybe. An ear? Hey, it happens. But when you start pulling out the FINGERS?! Do you know how gross it is tah have some dead guy's finger layed on ya? I remember this one time, I was at this party, I got wasted, eh, and when I woke up, this sumbitch had put some dude's PINKIE on my face! RIGHT NEXT TO MY MOUTH! Do you know how sick that made me, Milky? It made me wanna vomit! It made me wanna hurl! It made me wanna blow chunks! It made me wanna spew! It made me wanna... uh... hurl! ...

[Dammit, what's your POINT?! Or do you even HAVE one?]

"Duff": My point? You wanna know what my POINT is?! My point is... uh... ...

[... So -]

"Duff": No! Hold on, hold on, I'll think of something...

[...]

Voice from outside the bathroom: Hey, buddy, why didja lock the door? Ya know other people need tah crap too!

"Duff": Eh?

Voice: ... Are ya gonna be in there for very much longer?

"Duff": ... Eh?

Voice: I gotta take a dump the size ah Canada, ovah here!

"Duff": Don't you DARE compare our glorious country to a dump! Canada is NOT a dump! Canada is THE most beautiful, majestic, AWESOME country on the planet, and you should be PROUD to live here!

Voice: ... But... this is Oklahoma...

"Duff": LIAR!!!

[Jack -]

"Duff": Ahem!

[... Fine, "Duff", maybe you should just open the door and let the guy in?]

"Duff": But I was using this bathroom tah make a statement!

[... A statement? What, that your promo skills are crap?]

"Duff": NO! ... I'm making a statement, and that statement is that I don't need some fancy, shmancy scenery tah make a point. Not when I got THIS deadly weapon tah make that point for me! ...

[Jack -]

"Duff": AHEM!!!

[UGH. "Duff", reaches back into the stall, and pulls out...]

[... a plunger???]

"Duff": Yup, a PLUNGER. Because, Milky-boy, back when I was a young kid, my pops? He was a plumber. A plumber with a nasty attitude. And a nasty buttcrack, but that's another story altogether.

"Duff": He loved the ladies, did my pops. All the ladies... 'cept momma. And every day when he'd come home from "fixin' pipes", she'd ask him how his day was. And he'd be like "SHADDAP AND GO MAKE ME SOME DAMN HAM SAMICHES, WOMAN!" And that's why to this DAY... to this very DAY... I love ham samiches.

[... The fuck? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WIH ANYTHING?!]

"Duff": It has tah do with you SHUTTIN' THE HELL UP AND MAKIN' ME A DAMN HAM SAMICH, WOMAN!

[... I'm about to end this damn thing, if you don't hurry up and start making sense...]

"Duff": Ok, ok. Bottom line is this: when my momma found out pops had been cheatin' on her with a moose -

[EWWW! Dude! Did NOT need that mental image...]

"Duff": - She was really ticked off, as you can imagine. She started getting into it with him... and he lifted his hand. ... Of course, since pops was a complete and total pussy, momma beat the evah lovin' SHIT out of him. BUT... he got his revenge.

[... Don't tell me he shot her?]

"Duff": NOO!!! GOD no, jeez, whaddya think he was, a racist?

[... Huh?]

"Duff": Sheesh... no. What he did is, he stopped doing our plumbing!

[... Wow. Shocking... can I go now?]

"Duff": NO! I mean... You see, the reason I have this plunger now, is because I want to go back home. I want to go back home, and I wanna fix momma's pipes.

[... So... you want to have sex with your mom?]

"Duff": WHAT?! NO!!!

[Jackass...]

"Duff": That's HOFF, Jack HOFF.

[Thought your name was Duff Beere, or some shit?]

"Duff": ... REGARDLESS.

[: - P ]

"Duff": Point is, MILK, after I get through fixing that which pops didn't, I'm going to be coming for YOU!

[With a plunger? Good luck on all that...]

"Duff": ...

Voice: ARE YOU F'ING DONE YET?! I'M ABOUT TAH SHIT ON MYSELF, YA FUCKIN' -

"Duff": OCCUPIED!!!

Voice: ... BUT THERE'S FIVE FUCKING STALLS IN -

"Duff": Oc-cu-PIED! READ MY LIPS!

Voice: HOW CAN I?! You locked everyone out, ya bastard!

"Duff": FINE!!! FUCK!!!

[Jack -]

"Duff": AHEM!!!!!

[ARGGGHH! OK! "Duff"... ya fucking moron... "Duff" FINALLY opens the door, and in comes - ...

[OH HELL NO!]

Kung-Fu Betty: HIIIIIII-YA!

[... I have to call this? ... Ugh. A woman, who bears a striking resemblence to Jack Hoff's Wife, leaps into the room... well, as well as a 300 pound, middle aged woman can leap... with a karate gi on, and a karate bandana wrapped around her forehead. And rollers in her hair.]

[I hate my life sometimes...]

"Duff": Why I'll be! If it isn't my lovely girlfriend, Kung-Fu Betty!

Kung-Fu Betty: Wise man say - choke the chick-awn, stroke the staff, and pet the wand, and many happy returns! Mostly cum.

[END!!!]

Jack Hoff: So... buddy...

[Jack, don't even...]

Jack Hoff: OH COME ON! I'M BEGGIN' YA! COME BACK TAH ME, WRITER, YA GOTSTA! YA GOTSTA... SHOW A LIL' LOVE!!!

[...]

Jack Hoff: A LIL' HEART!

[...]

Jack Hoff: A lil'... a lil' COMPASSION!

[...]

Jack Hoff: ... A LIL' R-E-S-P-E-C-T! ...

[...]

Jack Hoff: DAMMIT, THE SUMBITCH LEFT AGAIN! FUCK! Well FINE, leave, see if I care! ... WHO NEEDS YA! ... Aw who'm I kiddin' I do... NO I DON'T! I'll find a narrator! You're DAMN right I will! And he'll be a helluva lot better than YOUR ASS, YA BASTARD!!!

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: Shit..