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- Scene: "Cheap Shit in General", Parking Lot - Parts Unknown, Oklahoma. - [It is 4 or 5 in the afternoon... The sun is gleaming brightly overhead, and a ton of pick-up trucks and station wagons are parked just outside of Parts Unknown's most popular dollar store. As our camera pans past a few of the town's citizens walking toward the market, we spot a crimson red '78 Ford pick-up speeding quickly into the lot, before swerving around sharply, and finding a spot next to a small, hot pink VW Beetle. The truck scratches the paint of the much smaller vehicle... almost as if it were on purpose.] [The driver's side door swings open, and the sounds of "Look What the Cat Dragged In" by Poison blares from within. Out steps the self-proclaimed 'Savior' of AWE, and the man that will be competing in the main event of Spectacle, opposite of "The IronMan" himself, Eddie Monroe. Jack Hoff removes himself from the truck, stumbling as he exits, as the truck's door is a nice couple of feet into the air. And for a man of his girth? A step down from even a front porch is quite a step... Today, Jack is bedecked in a pair of ripped Wranglers ; smelly, unwashed sneakers ; and a stained t-shirt, covered with the remnants of past meals. The shirt proclaims, "Welcome to Greatness. Population - Me."] [Jack rolls around to the other side of the truck, and begins to open the passenger's side door... but sees a woman out of the corner of his eye, wearing a skimpy tube top that barely keeps her breasts held inside. Jack slowly turns around and is left gazing blankly, mouth agape... when he's knocked back to cold hard reality at the thud of the door being swung open, directly against the back of his head.] Jack Hoff's Wife: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PUTTIN' YER BEADY LIL' EYES ON SOME YOUNG HUSSY HALF YER AGE?!?! Jack Hoff: *grabbing at the back of his head* Oh, sonofaBITCH, woman! Ya think next time ya crack me in the back of the fuggin' head, you can let me KNOW first?! DAMN! Jack Hoff's Wife: Maybe next time ya look at another woman, I oughta take a ice-cream scooper to yer sockets, and make a cone out of yer damn eyeballs, ya low-down, good-fer-nothin', CHEATER! Jack Hoff: HEY NOW! I might look, but I damn sure don't touch! ... Mainly because I'm not looking forward to another lawsuit... Jack Hoff's Wife: Yeah, well, get yer fat ass moving. We need to go grab a few protein shakes, some dumbells - Jack Hoff: I thought I already had one. Been married to yer sorry ass for the past fifteen years... Jack Hoff's Wife: >:-( Jack Hoff: Sorry... Jack Hoff's Wife: ANYWAY... we need tah get yer ass in shape fer your big match with... uh, what was his name again? Jack Hoff: Eddie MonPo, hun. Jack Hoff's Wife: Oh... like that lil' ol' red-colored thing on the PBS with that damn tv set in its gut? Jack Hoff: Somethin' ike that. Jack Hoff's Wife: Oh... Well fuck, ya don't need tah get in shape fer HIS ass! Just a couple ah jumpin' jacks or somethin' oughta work just fine. But I wanna pick up some pimento loaf and some pig's feet. Jack Hoff: UGH, WOMAN! What did I tell ya about talkin' about that gross shit! ... Now, I'll tell ya what IS good. Some sardines, and some liver and onion-flavored soda. Jack Hoff's Wife: WHAT?! Liver and Onion-flavored... Blech! Aw hell, we better shop seperately, or we're gonna end up spendin' half the day in the bathroom pukin' at the thought of... liver and onion SODA... Christ. [Jack and his old lady head for the shop... Jack sneaks a peak his at the scantily clad female once more, and his wife slaps him in the back of his already sore noggin. The scene fades out, with the couple making their way inside "Cheap Shit in General"...] - scene fade - - Scene: "Cheap Shit in General", Electronics Department - [8-Track tapes... BetaMax discs... Britney Spear's latest album... Just some of the crap on sale in "Cheap Shit"'s electronics section. A young lad, wearing nothing but a diaper... looking to be about 13 or 14... is blasting away at an original GameBoy, black and white, playing 'WCW Mega Battle Star Challenge Series War Zone Deluxe - Special Edition', a game featuring two grapplers, and three moves.] [It was perhaps the biggest selling, non-THQ, WCW game of all time.] [Jack Hoff and his gal walk by, and as Jack's Wife continues on, Jack spots an old RCA, 14", black and white tv... and playing on the set is Eddie Monroe's recent offering. Jack stops dead in his tracks, viewing as Eddie berates him... and the more Eddie rails on him, the more Hoff's eyes grow... the more his teeth begin to grind... and the more his fists begin to clench into tight little balls.] [Jack slowly meanders toward the set... and as he stands but two or three feet from the tube, Jack begins lifting his sweaty palms up...] [... before clutching ahold of the set with his hands... his hands tremble... his head is shaking...] [... when suddenly... he stops. ... And walks off screen. A few moments pass, before "Cool", by Gwen Stefani, begins playing on an old casette player... and into the camera's view steps... wait, that CAN'T be Jack... The big load has a simply HUGE afro wig on, with a bird's nest on top. He wears a Hawaiin shirt, a couple dozen leighs, and an oversized pair of blue trunks, with an apple on the crotch. And in his hand? An apple. It couldn't be any more obvious who "The Hoff" is taking after this time...] [He rips a bite out of the apple, chews it around in his mouth... before turning an eye to the vision of Eddie, with his arrogant smirk... Jack cocks his head back, about to spew apple bits all over the screen... when he suddenly chokes on the fruit in his mouth. Jack quickly drops the apple, grabs ahold of his throat, and starts slapping at his back to try and help coerce the fruit down to his stomach. The 14 year old in a diaper sees Jack's struggle, and drops the GameBoy, runs over, and applies the heimlich, and the apple thankfully is dislodged from Jack's gullet.] [Jack rubs the back of his neck, and turns to the boy. He smiles...] Jack Hoff: Now THAS'... cool. [Jack then turns to the camera, with a smooth grin. The boy walks off, having done his good deed for the day...] Jack Hoff: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie... Ya can make all the damn fat jokes ya want. Hell, I could go on fer days with all the pot-head jokes I can think of. But when it comes right down to it, jokes aren't gonna win a title. Jack Hoff: Athleticism is. And pally? I got athleticism out da wazoo!!! Jack Hoff: Even though I didn't need tah to beat some no-talent shmuck like you, I've been training. I've been liftin'... Liftin' legs ah chicken to my mouth. I've been hittin' the bags... Yeah, I've been hittin' my wife's funbags, and squeezin' em too, cuz let's face it. Even when ya got a wife as ugly as mine, ya still gotsta pay attention tah her funbags. And I've been carryin' weight. LOTS of weight. Dead weight. Cuz last week, you might try and fool these folks intah believin' I was the bad wheel on our two-person bicycle, but buddy-boy... I tried. I tried, and I tried, and goddamit, I tried some more. But no matter what I did, no matter how much effort I put forth, in the end, even a Savior like me couldn't accomplish the impossible. Jack Hoff: I couldn't make your ass look good. Jack Hoff: But this week... with the tournament, and with my glory on the line, as well as a chance to PROVE I'm the only one here that's got the power to set this company on the right track... well, I'm damn glad that instead ah having to worry about carryin' yer ass... I get tah kick it. [Jack chuckles to himself, and takes a few steps, till he reaches a stack of old casette tapes. He finds one of Richard Simmons... he chucks this aside, and turns his attention back to the camera.] Jack Hoff: You wanna talk about my weight, and how I'm just a joke in this promotion? Sure, I may be overweight. Sure, I may like tah have fun. Sure, I may not exactly be such things as "in shape", or "talented whatsoever", but when it comes right down to it? I'm the only truly entertaining thing left in this company! I don't rely on the same ol' tired shit to get over. I get over on ALL the tired shit you've ever seen, only cranked up to the max, diced, chopped, and pureed into something entirely new and different! And, well, MonPo... Jack Hoff: ... I just don't think you're ready tah handle the Hoff-Ster. Jack Hoff: You say I haven't bled in this tournament. I may not have, but I damn sure have put forth every ounce of effort at my disposal. I've done everything within my power to prove that I'm more than just a sideshow comedy act. I'm more than just someone looking to provide a chuckle for the millions, and millions of the Hoff's fans. What am I here for? The same thing I've been telling you all about ever since my very first appearance here. I'm here to save this federation. And the only way I know how to do that is by liberating the World championship from cookie cutter crap hounds like yourself. The only way I know how to do THAT... is by walking in the shoes of this company's greatest legend... Ryan Ford. Jack Hoff: Just as she proved that a woman CAN be a World champ... so can a so-called "underdog". And as for this underdog... "I've only just begun to bite." - THE - |
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Ya know why? Because THAT'S... How I Rick
Roll !!! Promo Title:
"Reload..." Current Win / Draw / Loss Ratio: 1 / 0 / 1 |