THE WWF DOES THE GROCERIES
Scene 1: In the fresh fruit section, HHH and Chyna are making their way through the produce.
HHH: Sweet cakes, sugar puff…
CHYNA: Leave me alone.
HHH: But shopping with you is so fun!
CHYNA: I wanted you to stay home!
HHH: Awww, you ALWAYS make me stay home. It isn’t fair!
CHYNA: *Picking up a large cucumber* How’d you like this shoved up your ass?!
HHH: Ooh, kinky!
UNDERTAKER: *Wandering up with a full trolley and Paul Bearer* Have you seen the kidney beans?
HHH: No. Hey, why do you need kidney beans anyway?
UNDERTAKER: It’s none of your damn business Helmsley.
HHH: No, I think I have a right to know, Mark.
UNDERTAKER: Don’t call me that, you know full well it’s Lord of Darkness! Get it into your thick head!
CHYNA: Don’t agitate him dearest.
PAUL BEARER: Ooh, free samples! *He waddles off*
UNDERTAKER: Hey, come back here! I need someone to push the damn trolley, it’s heavy! Where the hell is Mideon?!
MIDEON: *Running up, carrying a balloon animal in one hand and an eyeball in a jar in the other* Right here Mark! A nice man made me a balloon poodle!
UNDERTAKER: Lord of Darkness dolt! Push the trolley!
MIDEON: Will you hold Mr. Blinky? *Thrusts the eyeball towards Undertaker*
UNDERTAKER: NO.
MIDEON: Why not?! He won’t bite! Who will hold my poodle?!
HHH: Hey, does everyone like my new hair style? I just went to this new hairdressers and they styled it.
MIDEON: Good god you’re a poof.
HHH: Huh?!
SHANE: *Barreling his trolley into view* Man, this trolley is hot!
CHYNA: What have you been smoking Shane?
SHANE: Sorry, down at the dairy section I got a free sample of double choc ice cream and I’m kinda high…
PAUL BEARER: *From the deli* Double choc ice cream? I’m there baby! *Runs off*
UNDERTAKER: Has anyone seen the kidney beans dammit?!
SHANE: Sorry Markie Mark.
UNDERTAKER: If you don’t stop calling me Mark soon I’m likely to get catatonic…
SHANE: Anyway, whaddaya need kidney beans for? They give you cancer!
CHYNA: No they don’t, that’s alfalfa sprouts you’re thinking of.
SHANE: How the hell could I confuse beans with sprouts? I don’t think so!
CHYNA: They’re all in the same family!
HHH: No they’re not!
SHANE: Oh yeah, and what would you know?
HHH:…Do you like my new hairdoo?
UNDERTAKER: *Ignoring the brewing argument* Mideon, go fetch me a carton of the fetta cheese I like.
MIDEON: You don’t like that.
UNDERTAKER: I think I would know if I like something or not! Now go fetch it or I’ll beat you!
MIDEON: Not unless you hold Mr. Blinky.
UNDERTAKER: Oh, for the love of evil…here, gimme it.
Scene 2: The clothing department.
EDGE: Now, I’m looking for something tight fighting…and lycra!
CHRISTIAN: What is it about you and lycra? I don’t know what you see in it!
EDGE: Hmmm…and maybe something in silk.
CHRISTIAN: I am NOT showing up to the Undertaker’s dinner party with you dressed like that!
EDGE: Why not Chrissy?
CHRISTIAN: Don’t call me that! *Moves towards a rack* What about this?
EDGE: *Takes the plain shirt* It’s…plain. No, I don’t like it.
VISCERA *Lumbering up* They don’t have my size!
CHRISTIAN: You should try Velcro!
EDGE: And lycra! Lycra is wonderful!
VISCERA: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a moo moo. Something exotic.
EDGE: A lycra moo moo? Hmmm, I think you might find one in ‘My Size’.
VISCERA: What do you think of my new dog collar?
CHRISTIAN: Why do you wear them on top of your head?
VISCERA: Because my neck is too fat. I’ve been living on these Jenny Craig health bars and they aint doing a damn thing!
EDGE: Really? How many do you eat?
VISCERA: Well, to compensate for the taste I eat 12 boxes a day.
CHRISTIAN: Ah.
EDGE: *Trying on a cow boy hat* Oh Chrissy, I love it! I’m getting it!
CHRISTIAN: I’m never taking you shopping ever again you embarrassment.
Scene 3: The car park.
ACOLYTES: *Carrying a large widescreen TV box between them* Hey Mark!
UNDERTAKER: Lord…aw I can’t be stuffed.
BRADSHAW: Hey, are you making Texas steak for the party tonight?
UNDERTAKER: No.
BRADSHAW: Oh, why not. You can lend our new TV if you make Texas steak!
FAROOQ: No he can’t! You just can’t go giving away all our stuff every time you want something! You never ask me!
HHH: *Walking up, carrying a tiny shopping bag. Chyna’s behind him carrying about 6 heavy bags* Hi guys, what do you think of my new hairdoo? Aint it the bomb?
ACOLYTES: You look like a poof.
HHH: Eh?! Chyna loves it.
CHYNA: NO I don’t!
MIDEON: *Running with the trolley* Markkkk! Waitttt!
SHANE: *Also running with his trolley* Cool it’s a racceeeee!
UNDERTAKER: Stop! I order you to…
SHANE: *Strikes Undertaker with his trolley. He falls into the trolley and go flies into a pole* Hey! Watch my eggs!
UNDERTAKER: DAMN YOU! Arghhhhh!
MIDEON: *Franticly rushing towards the carnage* Oh no, are you ok? *Reaches into a shopping bag and pulls out Mr. Blinky* Thank god!
UNDERTAKER: Uhhh…little help?
PAUL BEARER: *Busily wolfing down an ice cream cone* I’ll help you out Mark. *Goes to pull him out…the ice cream drops onto his head*
UNDERTAKER: SWINE! I’ll whip you ALL!
EDGE: Bit kinky!
CHRISTIAN: Shut up Edge!
HHH: Why doesn’t anyone like my new hair style!? It cost me heaps!
CHYNA: You put it on my credit card!
UNDERTAKER: *Painfully crawling from the trolley* I’ll sue! I have a bad hip! Yuck, it’s all in my hair…
SHANE: Oh, you broke my eggs! You’re paying for them!
UNDERTAKER: You nearly broke my legs, and you’re worried about eggs?
MIDEON: Hey, that rhymes!
UNDERTAKER: Shut up you!
SHANE: Ok, I’ll make a deal. You don’t have to pay for the eggs, ok? Then you don’t have to sue!
CHYNA: What kind of a deal is that?!
BRADSHAW: Hey Taker, we got some bad news…
UNDERTAKER: And what could that possibly be?
MIDEON: Someone stole the car.
UNDERTAKER: WHAT?! Who the hell would steal a hearse?!
MIDEON: Uhhh…another undertaker maybe?
HHH: We can give you a lift!
UNDERTAKER: But where will we fit Viscera?
CHYNA: I’m not having that in MY car!
HHH: He can go in Christian’s car.
CHRISTIAN: Ohhh nooo…
EDGE: Why not Chrissy? Our back seat is big enough! Then I can tell him about lycra!
CHRISTIAN: Oh, alright. *Hops into the drivers seat. Edge hops in the passenger seat and Vis barely squeezes in the back*
EDGE: See you at the party! *They drive off*
HHH: Ok, Mark, you can sit in the back with Mideon and Paul…
UNDERTAKER: I want to sit in the front, dammit!
ACOLYTES: What about our TV?!
CHYNA: Here, I’ll put it in the trunk…*Attempts to squeeze all the groceries and the TV in the trunk*
HHH: Farooq can sit on Bradshaw’s knee.
CHYNA: HHH can sit on my knee.
HHH: Oh how kind Chynie.
SHANE: What about me?
*They all pile in, Shane driving, Taker in the front, Paul, Mideon and Farooq on Bradshaw’s knee. HHH and Chyna are left standing outside.*
HHH: Hang on…it’s our car!
CHYNA: Let us in dammit!
SHANE: Too bad, you’re in the mean streets of Greenwich now! *He drives off*
HHH: Now what will we do? It’s raining! It will ruin my hair!
CHYNA: *Knocks HHH out and walks to the bus stop, leaving Hunter unconscious in the middle of the car park.* Maybe you’ll stay home next time, huh?