tuesday.october.24.2000
hey gang. ive got another entry... and this one is just two days after the last one. proud of me? i am.
ive been watching vh1 all night and for some reason... its _porn night_ or something. i dont know. but they are airing these specials about porn stars who want to cross over into the rock industry and how the rock industry is embracing porn, etc. basically... it disgusts me... but i watched .2. hours of this stuff. why. because im so intrigued by someone who dedicates their life to degrading themselves. i wonder what a porn stars future would be like. once you have branded yourself trash... what is there for you. im glad that GOD forgives. honestly... anyways...
so like i was saying... im fascinated by that sort of a lifestyle in a way... and repulsed at the same time. in a way... my hormones are like _go get 'em ryan_. then i think... and think of all of the innocence and purity that is lost. all of the evil. some of these girls... such as the one in negative image to your right... are so beautiful... yet they are so... i dont know... tainted. oddly enough i want to save them all. i want to change the past and try and open their eyes to the way things are intended. that may sound so odd and close.minded of me... but honestly... purity is so valuable. its more valuable than anyone could ever imagine. its precious. it enrages me to see some young girl throw her life away in that manner. i straight pisses me off to see a guy take what isnt his. what is rightfully that girls mate.
i think that part of my anger stems from the fact that one too many times... i have been the thief of another mans property. i have dated girl after girl and been their _first_ at everything... yet my willpower resisted sex. so here i am... a virgin... a chivalrous crusader for virginity... yet a pilferer and rapist of purity.
men snap towels at eachother in the locker room. rub the hair on the top of a comrades hair and smack their butt in congratulating blows in honor of these events... yet no matter how low i sink. i can never take pride in these _conquests_.
i blame myself and myself alone. yet i also see the great fault in the world.
its wierd... because what comes around goes around... and in my mischief... i have raped my own mind. i have destroyed my own chances of purity. the world has all of these preconceived notions and rules for sex. rules that are taught in magazines and books and on network tv... on MTV. (((thank GOD i didnt learn about sex from MTV))) the world tells us how to love our mate... or eachother... rather. almost as if it is doing us a favor. but in all actuallity... its dooming us. it takes away all chance of discovery. it has taken away my chance at years of exploration. where new things happen every day... because my innocent mind is constantly discovering them through experimentation with my GOD.given MATE. my PURE BRIDE.
i dont know if i will have a pure bride. at this rate... i have robbed my bride of some purity. i am a fool. i dont know... im sorry for going on like this... but this is a subject that i feel VERY strongly about. i am neglecting homework to write about it right now. if people were pure and faithful to their mate until they found and married them... the world would be drastically different. there would be a great respect for eachother. mainly women.
women are amazing. women are the foundation of our society. if women were truly respected... they would be revered and praised. would a man beat something that he has spent his whole life waiting for. he wouldnt. would a man leave something he had waited his whole life for. he wouldnt. lust would be so deminished. a man would truly believe that his woman... no matter how attractive... were the greatest thing on earth... because that is all that he had ever known.
i understand mans desires... and i know that there would still be problems with all of the above factors... _the grass is always greener_ but we wouldnt be able to imagine it as green as our molested minds can imagine now.
i cant write much longer... as i have homework to do... but i really want to bring something up. the girl that is in the picture attached to this post... is a porn star. she is beautiful. truly... truly... beautiful. she is 23. my sister is 23. that is not old. for some reason... though i assume that it is all the same in the eyes of GOD... it seems so worse that she is so young. im sure that she has had breast-implants (((plastic surgery is something else i feel _very_ strongly about))). take a second and look at her pictures... and then think about it. her face... to me... is the picture of innocence... yet her life... is the epitomy of sin.
i pray that i can be a better human being... and not judging... we all have sin... but hers is part of her lively.hood. she is profitting off the degradation of herself and others. in the book of leviticous... it talks about how one who commits sinful acts degrades himself... and the person that he does it with. i dont know. i pray that i can be a better person. and i pray that that girl... and others like her... can see the LIGHT.
there is a porn.star on the cover of the Blink182 album _Enema of the State_. i dont know much about her... but i read an article in... newsweek i believe... that talked about the fact that she was encouraged by the band and by the money she earned by working for them to live a straight life for her and her child. she has gone back to school... and though she might still dabble in pornography a bit... (((man that was a wierd statement))) she is trying to make her life better. that is what it is all about... MAKING YOUR LIFE BETTER THAN BEFORE. better than your parents and the generations before them... better than others around you. i hope that she makes it... and i hope that more after her do as well.
.ryan.
posted by
ryan sumner 24.10.2000, 10:10:10pm
tuesday.october.24.2000
well... its been a while since ive written... quite a while and let me tell you:
a lot has happened since i last wrote. i dont even know where to start. except to say that i am pretty ticked off. want to know why. because i have already written my entry for today. i spent a good hour on it and it was rather lengthy... but guess what... my computer locked up and it wasnt saved. im not very happy about that.
argh... or something...
so here i am... trying to start over and write what i had basically written before... it wont happen... but i can attempt. i cant believe it... but today... i slept till 2:30pm. isnt that crazy. i even set my alarm and was _wide_ awake an hour before my class started but i just went back to sleep. want to know why i went back to sleep. because i was having a really cool dream and wanted to try and see if i could finish it by going back to sleep. how lame is that. i cant believe i risked my relationship with doctor jurney (doc). i risked my grade. i risked my chapel absenses. that was pure stupidity.
i passed all my classes at the mid.term. believe it or not i was so stoked. the only class that i didnt pass is one that i am going to drop tomorrow. so.. hey.. isnt that cool. that may sound really weak... but this semester is very important to me. if i dont pass... mom and dad have said that i need to get out of school and start working on a career. i take that seriously. they have never set a deadline like that. i think thats what i have needed for a long time. for someone to lay down the law. i thrive on discipline. i dont know why. i love it. i do.
i feel pretty good right now... though. as dorky as this may sound... my confidence has totally been boosted. ive heard that sports and hobbies can really boost a persons confidence and i really have never disagreed with that. however... i started skating again. i love it. i think that if i had just stuck with it... then i could be quite good by now. actually i know i could. ive only really gone out 3 times but im already almost back to my former ollie height and ive improved every night out. i know that it will take a while to get to the level i want to be at.. but i can do it. i still need to work on my flips. i used to be able to do a double heel flip... i dont know how... but ive landed it in the past and i know that once i get a heel.flip down... then i can get the double down. i know i can do it. skating has given me such confidence. its awesome. i love it. i am going to go to the wave sometime... which is the oklahoma city skate.park. who knows... maybe one day i could be on the team. we.ll see. im a dreamer.
...just fyi... everything that i have written was TEN times better the first time i wrote it... before it got deleted...
ahem... anyways... i wish i knew what else to write about. i did know... but im at a blank now. i was writing about a lot of really good stuff... its like having it all deleted took the fire out from under me.
that happens a lot. i get really excited about things and then i just slack off and stop. it's like after i do something one time... it just becomes so normal nd common place. it happens with a lot of things... i dont have long term goals. its weird because if i finished everything i started... i would have an amazing life. and the funny thing is... i could actually do it. i started a zine and i made like 2 issues. i started a band and we were together for just about a year and played about 5 or 6 shows. i start off every school year with good drive and good intentions... and oddly enough... that often lasts about a week... at the most. its like im a slacker with an over-achiever's mind. i dont know. ill catch you later.. and maybe i can remember what i had written earlier. later.
.ryan.
posted by
ryan sumner 24.10.2000, 10:10:10pm
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saturday.september.23.2000
sometimes i feel like talking...
sometimes i feel like screaming...
tonight...
i feel like screaming.
.ryan.
posted by
ryan sumner 24.9.2000, 2:11:53am
saturday.september.23.2000
whats up. i'm at my grandma's house right now. today was my 11 year-old cousins first football game. i missed it. thats ok though... because im here and thats what counts. i spent the day with randon and reece doing different things. my grandparents gave me $190. im not sure if that will include my gas money for tomorrows drive home ($50 which they routinly give me upon each visit) or if i will have to pay for it myself. either way im not complaining. the problem is that i still have to pay for a speeding ticket... for the damage i did backing into some dudes rear view mirror in my TRUCK... and i _need_ clothes... shoes... and a new skateboard. ok so maybe i dont need those last few items.
things are hard right now and i have to conserve. its so frustrating. i wish i had a job... or that my father had a job he deserved. he is definitely used at his job. he is such a victim... but anytime a man of his calliber of hard work-ethic... intelligence... and honesty... he is bound to be taken advantage of. i respect my father more than any other man i know... STRAIGHT UP... i dont regret anything and i dont want him to. this may be selfish... but i long for the days when he had his old job. we made so much more money than we do now. mom didnt have to work. i could go out and buy any type of clothing anytime i wanted. i would have a new car by now. i would have a better wardrobe. i would have a better computer. i would have everything that i need.
but i would never have seen my dad work for two years as a welder when he was unemployed... just to make ends meet.
i would never have seen a highly intelligent man who used to exclusively where TOMMY HILFIGER suits (before they were _hip_) to his white collar job as a data-analyst come home in a denim shirt and blue jeans covered with rust and dirt and burn marks... heat burns on his face from working with the metals... creases on his face from various masks and goggles wedged over his eye-glasses: glasses that once looked at harmless cathode ray tubes then stared at blinding blowtorches. hands that once spelled words on a keyboard donned gloves and bore blisters and cuts and burns from manufacturing pieces for oil rigs. oil rigs that he used to write computer programs for. a man that made 6 digits made 6 dollars an hour. CAN YOU TELL ME THE JUSTICE IN THAT??? can you. you cant. there is no justice in seeing a servant like my father suffer because he was a 40-year old... _overqualified_ to work anywhere else.
but you know what. screw that. screw any expectatins of justice that i might have about this situation. you know why. because thats life. stuff happens. you pick yourself up with your boot straps and you make the best of it. come what may... hell or high_water. you can thank my mother for that lesson.
im so thankful that she taught me to realize the stupidity of pity parties. she did that by never joining mine and i learned no to have them. feeling sorry for yourself is the heart of the white trash attitude. i will not sink to that level. my purpose in life is not to wallow in my misfortunes... but to make myself better. to learn from my mistakes... to rise above tribulation and spit in its face. i am a product of my surroundings. and if my surroundings suck... i have no one to thank but myself for lacking the inventiveness it takes to find someting better to do.
have you ever seen those gay shirts that you can buy at _hot topic_ that say something to the effect of "i hate my town". yeah... you and half a million other self-proclaimed outsiders. you know what. get over it. that attitude is never any different ive lived different places... across the world and the attitude never changes.
"things would be so much cooler if we were in the states"
"small towns are so lame"
"theres nothing to do in houston"
"man i would have hated to grow up in oklahoma city... it sucks here."
i really think that is so lame. i really dislike that attitude.
a lot of these kids are the ones that make themselves different for _shock.value_ and then dis the _preps_ for being normal. i think that it is just a deep down jealousy of the preppy/popular/social persons ability to be just that... social. they act like they are different or outcasts but they have a group of friends that is probably twice as large as any said _popular_ person and they have people like them all over the world. they listen to koRn or limp bizkit and fool themselves into believing that it is an _underground_ or cutting edge band. cutting edge schmutting edge. get a life. life is too short to whine about problems that dont exist
.phwew. :::whiping sweat off of brow::: it just got pretty thick in here. the sad thing is i think i could continue in the same vaine/vein/vane were i just talking and not having to mess with .html code.
argh.
nancy went out witha bunch of friends tonight. she said that they were going to have a _fifties night_. her and her friends were going roller skating and then to sonic. hey... whats that knocking at the door of my emotional stability... oh... its just my enraged jealousy.
remember that _making the best out of your situation_ theory... it sucks because i have to apply it everywhere. including here. this is where i try to calm mr. jealousy down. where i force him to take a sedative... kicking and screaming. do you know why i supress my jealousy. because i LOVE nancy and because she doesnt understand it. my jealousy only turns her off. i suppress part of my personality for her and that is ok. because its not exactly a great characteristic... though i have dated chicks who were turned on by it... and a little from her wouldnt hurt. actually a lot wouldnt hurt. and id get the feeling that i was wanted and loved more.
im also supressing my jealousy because she promised that we would talk on the phone tonight once she got in. im at my grandparents house and i can talk as long as i want for free. i have to use up my calling cards from the dorm and that is expensive. expense is something i dont need. i wont be able to talk tomorrow. i am going to church then to lunch... then packing to head home. i hope i can talk tonight andget some free talk.time in while i can. she is supposed to call me and im supposed to call her right back.
actually what makes me most jealous is not that she is having fun without me... its that it is such a fun evening. an idea that she spear.headed... no doubt. she is capable of inventing a lot of fun stuff to do. but you know what. i was there the whole freaking summer and she never once came up with a brilliant plan as this. we were stuck "watching" a movie at my house more times than i can count. that aggrivates me.
its a mole hill... however... so i love her. goodnight.
.ryan.
p.s. nancy hasnt called... its 3:03. i am not going to go to sleep very happy.
posted by
ryan sumner 24.9.2000, 2:11:53am
friday.september.22.2000
hello again gang. wow... i cant believe that im actually making two entries in a row. this is amazing. i think that this is the longest period of time that ive ever kept a journal. im proud of myself.
i am feeling pretty down right now. i stayed up the entire night to get this web page started... and to study for this test i had to take. i even went and ate breakfast in the cafeteria... a first for this year. i almost got leon (one of the cooks) to make me one of his famous omelets... but i didnt want to bother him. then i realized that i needed to take a nap. i went to sleep and slept through my alarm. pete might have turned it off... i dont know. i couldnt believe it. i just went back to sleep and i dont think that i woke up until around 2:30 or so. i even missed chapel. i dont think ive attended chapel once this entire week. i cant believe that. i only have 15 chapel excuses allowed. im doomed.
so the guys had another wife project gig tonight. it was at borders book store. there was no publicity and the boys didnt practice once. me... being the pygmalian/supervisor/guardian personality type that i am was pissed off. i didnt want to have anything to do with them. they had shoved off their responsibility for an entire week. i think a lot of it has to do with pete hanging out with his girlfriend. shes nice... but pete isnt upholding his deal with the band as a result. it makes me sick.
they were making it so obvious to the patrons of the coffee shop that they didnt have a _clue_ what they were doing and they played all these songs more than once... but talked about it for a good 2 minutes between songs. it was like ,"hey everyone, look at us: we're screwin' up." it looked really bad. luckily their talent pulled them through and some dude gave them a $20 tip. lucky bastards. further proof that this world wont always make you suffer consequences for your actions.
i feel like im more of a dork than ive ever been in my life. not like ive ever been. maybe im the same and the world is just changing around me... but i think that i used to be a little better at pulling off jokes... now i suck. i say things for shock value or to make myself look stupid... and thats nothing new... ive been doing it ever since i can remember... but now its so wierd because no one understands that its a joke. maybe its because im at a christian school and a lot of poeple arent used to the way i joke. maybe ive had a little more exposure to the world than they have. who knows. i wish that i could find my niche. im beginning to think that nancy is my only true mate in this world. of _any_ kind. i love her so much. i hope that everything works out best for us.
i need to get some sleep. tomorrow im going to visit my grandmother near dallas. my grandpas birthday is on sunday and my cousins first football game of the season is today at 1:00. he is 10. im really excited. i didnt get to spend a lot of time with that side of the family for the few years that i was in college and working full.time at the tv station. i cant make it up... but i can start being close now. its already working and i love it. i love them and im happy to be closer to them. goodnight.
.ryan.
posted by
ryan sumner 23.9.2000, 2:14:45am
friday.september.22.2000
well... basically... ive been trying to get around to doing this online journal thing for a long time and tonight i finally got inspired and motivated enough to do it. oddly enough i was motivated at first by a desire to straighten my life out and get right... maybe hold _myself_ accountable... and then by the filth that surrounds me. so many people are so stupid in this world. it drives me crazy... but i wish people would take more responsibility for their actions... because i will not defend a coward. i will not stand up for lawlessness. i will not allow anyone to pass the buck. i am so sick of people recklessly living their lives and not suffering consequences.
i have been wanting to do something like this for so long. i dont know if you can call it a journal... if you can call it poetry... if you can call it art... or if it should have a label at all. what this site will be is an indepth exploration into my life. im sorry to dissapoint you... but it probably has more to do with my own self.understanding than your entertainment... though i guess that i wish to entertain as well.
i cant believe that i have been living my life and not writing down all of these bizare theories and stories that i have. there could have been some very amazing things documented if i had just kept track of my life. on thing in particular that is really weird happened in the spring of .98. i was going on a trip to tulsa... oklahoma for a religious event of sorts. i decided to start a journal before i left because i knew that something would happen in my life that would be amazing to read about. something monumental. an event that would evoke feelings that i would never feel again. it is inevitable for that to happen in everyone's life no matter how boring they may think that they are.
so i started this journal and on my flight to tulsa i wrote a lot... and honestly it was really lame. i had such high expectations and i had this brilliant idea to keep the entire journal in poetic form. that was a mistake. i wrote the whole time i was in the air and then i never touched it for the rest of the trip. the last day of the trip i awoke to a phone call that my friend had been hit by a car and was unconcious in i.c.u. and might not make it. i had to drive for 13 hours... the whole time fearing that my friend wouldnt be alive once i got home. the whole ride home i never wrote a word.
i think that was so stupid. part of the reason i didnt write... though... is because of the high expectations i placed on myself. i was going to write everyday... i was going to do it in poetic form... etc.
this journal is going to be different. i dont plan on writing here everyday... though that wouldnt be a bad idea. ill just write whenever i feel the need or have the time. i have been wasting a lot of time this semester... so having this page to build might make me feel like im not exactly wasting it. sometimes im going to talk about theories i have. sometimes ill talk about my spiritual life. sometimes ill just give you an account of my day. whatever is on my mind. although i dont think that i will do the account of my day thing very often.
i could go on about the things that influenced me to write this, but maybe it would be better to just list them. so here they are in no particular order.
1. henry rollins. his spoken word... desire to print his words... no matter how unimportant they may seem... i feel that i have a lot in common with henry rollins. my onstage style was very similar when i was in a band... although i admire and respect punk rock and its principals... i know that a true punk needs being educated... meaning literacy is a must. plus get on the bus has got to be an amazing documentary.
i do disagree with henry rollins... however... when it comes to language. he curses a lot... and i feel that you cuss when you cant think of anything more intelligent to say. plus when you search for a way to convey those feelings with the same effect but without cursing, then you become a very well-spoken person.
2. chris parks. a long time friend of mine... former band mate... and brother... who has recently gotten his own dot.com as well as a very nice web page. anything he can do... i can do better... or something.
3. religion. my spiritual life has been rather weak lately. i am in the middle of a 4-year-long battle for my faith and one thing keeping me from having the faith that i once had... is my refusal to let GOD soften my heart and just give in. im a fool in my stubborness... but i will be a fool no longer. there is no time like the present and i will be closer to HIM.
my friends here @ school and i are having a small gathering twice a week to devote time to GOD and discuss our spiritual lives. it is very intimate and i feel that it will really help me to stay spiritually focused. im stoked.
4. filth. im sick of a lot of the ignorance and stupidity in this world. people need to get a life and live in considerance of those around them. i feel that everything wrong in the world is a result of someone elses selfishness.
i have been straight edge my entire life and that philosophy has spurred my views in this concern. the basics of this philosophy are. dont drink... dont smoke... dont screw... but honestly there is more or less to it than that. if you are straight edge... then you are fighting to destroy your vices in favor of being a responsible member to society. if you are addicted to something... then it is a vice. if a vice keeps you from your obligations and responsibilities... it is wrong... it is a sin. that is the fundamental belief of the straight-edge philosophy. dont let anyone tell you otherwise. it could be something like sex or drugs... or it could be something as simple as playing golf. how... you ask.
i know a lot of families where the dads go out and play golf every chance they get. it is so ridiculous that these men neglect their jobs... children... wives... and churches just to play a few holes with the boys. i have actually seen a situation like this end in divorce more than once. something to think about.
5. theories. i have so many thoughts an theories about life that i need to document them. i can no longer ignore them when they might be able to help someone understand themselves as i understand myself.
2. cassy bernall. ok... now this is interesting. this is the chick that became a martyr at columbine. know her story... that she stood up for what she believed in and didnt care in the face of death itself was really something. it meant that she was ready. it made me want to be ready as well. it also made me want to do something real before i died. they found some poem of hers before she died that was rather mediocre... yet it was oddly prophetic. i dont hope to foretell my death... but i do want to have some sort of legacy. its my human selfishness... my assurance of immortality or something. stupid i know.
so this girl didnt exactly inspire. just the fact that she was ready and left something behind. i want to be ready.
7. other reasons. im sure there are a ton of other reasons but i cant think of them now. oh well.
well... i have to go now for a lot of reasons. i need sleep... and i have 3 tests tomorrow for which i have yet to study. oh no. i hope that this web page isnt a vice.
.ryan.
posted by
ryan sumner 22-9-00 1:56:39am
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