The Seven Lessons Sitcoms Teach Us... Or Everything I Needed To Know I Learned From Sitcoms

1. If you have an especially beloved pet (especially a fish, turtle, or bird) do not under any circumstances leave it with a trusted friend while you are out of town. Unless, of course, you want it replaced with a similar looking fish, turtle, or bird. This rule does not apply to dogs and cats.

2. Planning on a nice quiet evening at home almost assures that total chaos, unwanted relatives, or the local police will be involved before the night is through.

3. It is surprisingly common to meet someone who looks exactly like you; but be careful, many such people are, unlike you, very bad. (One sure sign is that, unlike you, they sport a pencil-thin mustache.)

4. It is incredibly easy to walk into a hotel and borrow a bellhop's uniform in order to sneak into someone's room.

5. If your child is considering running away from home, you should encourage him.

6. Major singing stars will appear at your local event, if only you ask them.

7. Surprise parties really are a bad idea.

Everything Else I Needed To Know.. I Learned From Dramas

1. A fairly minor blow to the back of the neck will render anyone unconscious.

2. When you give in and tell the bad guy where you hid the money, he won't say "Thank you, you may go now."

3. The police will never believe your story.

4. Almost anyone can knock a door down by running into it shoulder-first.

5. Opening a lock with a bobby pin, hot-wiring a car, and breaking into the CIA's computers are all very easy, but no one can tie you up using a decent knot.

6. Before the mid-seventies, there were many different phone numbers, but after that all American phone numbers were changed to begin with the 555 exchange.

7. The entire country- Connecticut, Ohio, Vermont, Texas, Florida- looks a lot like Los Angeles, and that is why palm trees can be spotted in the background of car chases throughout the contintential United States.