Jools Long
Nice girl Britney got the blushes on MTV when asked to talk about her new song that explores the beautiful concept of, er, loving one's self.

Biblically.

The Tommy Tank-promoting song, Touch Of My Hand, features on the dirty poppet's new album, In The Zone.

Although it seems she's happy to warble and grunt - as Britney is wont to do - about playing with herself, the all-American girl isn't keen to chat about what she cutely describes as "commencing on myself in the most precious way".

When asked to explain herself on TV she turned all shy saying: "this is a touchy subject."

Quite.

"I can go in the studio and sing about it but when I have to explain it, I get really weird and bashful about the whole thing," she gibbered.

Despite her loss-of-words on the topic of one-handed typing the Stairmaster-thighed pop tart has plenty to say in her raunchy little tune.

The chorus unknowing young fans will be singing along to when the record hits the shops read: "another day without a lover, the more I come to understand, the touch of my hand."

Mums across the land will be chuffed.

During her MTV blushfest Britney did manage to justify her reasons for choosing such an interesting focus for her song. "It's a healthy and positive thing and I think it's reality." she declared.

Cover your ears for that deafening collective word "aaahhhh!!" when news spreads that Britney Spears' upcoming album is "sensual and sexual" - because she doesn't have that in her life "right now".

Be ready with a tissue, the offer of a hug and don't forget to pass the sickbag.

"Of course I'm not doing Baby One More Time and those big, massive hits anymore. I think this record is where I'm at right now in my life," babbled the handbag-shunning warbler, as if we care for any of her slushy, American rhetoric.

"It's sensual, it's sexual. I'm probably writing about that subconsciously because I don't have that right now, " she told the damp-shouldered Rolling Stones Magazine.

But save your sympathies. It's not like Miss Spears is the back of a bus.

Surely if she wanted some of the 'that' she speaks of she need merely order one of her people to get some sent up to her winnebago or something.

Besides, the Stairmaster-legged popstrel may not be getting it in the real world, but in a musical sense we can assure you Miss Spears is nothing short of a jezebel.

In a duet with R Kelly, Britney regales us with such lyrics as: "Oh, it's so hot, and I need some air, boy, don't stop, 'cause I'm halfway there."

And we're sure she doesn't mean halfway up a very steep hill on a tandem bicycle. R Kelly doesn't quote cycling as far as we know.

Moby and The Matrix also collaborate on the orgy that it is Britney's new album, but you'll have to hang tight until the end of this year for a release date.

"This record is definitely personal to me," witters Britters, wallowing in sex-starved misery.

"But it's not shockingly personal. I did a little bit of that with my last record, and I really didn't want to put myself out there that much."

And that lack of putting herself out might be where she's going wrong in the bedroom department.

We've wondered about her sexlife, lovelife and musical talents - but now it's time to ponder the toilet habits of Miss Spears.

According to one semi-salacious stateside gossiper Britney is having trouble keeping her food southwards and is apparently calling for Huey in the toiletbowls of America.

The Hollywood rumour-spreader claims: "Tinseltown spies say the popster tossed her cookies while partying at Lotus the weekend before Turkey Day."

Which we're sure makes more sense if you're a Yank.

Then the large-thighed pouter apparently chundered her way through the toilets of Sharky's in Hawaii - a hip and, indeed, happening joint down Waikoloa way.

Sharky spies claim the snake-fancying diva was carted off to her waiting limo after spending rather too long a penny in the ladies.

The only conclusion any self-respecting story-spinner could draw from this serial-barfing is that Britters is up the duff.

Or ate she a bad prawn. Sorry make that two conclusions.

Meanwhile Britney's people say: "Yes, Britney was there, but the one who was sick was Britney's look-alike blond girlfriend, not Britney."

Julie Goodhand
Tongues are - as they say - a-wagging stateside to discover the real reason Britney Spears sold her posh LA home this year.

Those Hollywood-types really need to get a hobby.

Apparently there are three possible answers to this world-shaking puzzle, with the most obvious being rather unsurprisingly Justin-based.

A Spears pal was reported to have offered the following denial when asked why estate agents descended on Britter's swank-pad. "It's not because of bad memories with Justin."

Which immediately sent gossipers believing the opposite, as muck-stirrers like us are wont to do.

The more logical reason appears to be that the ample-thighed Madonna-snogger was being too busy recording her next album in New York - a rather long bus ride from her former LA base.

However, a truly improbable reason has reared its amusing head to unravel the real estate mystery.

Step forward one of Britter's loopy mates, who told Hollywood gossip queen Ted Casablanca (his real name we're sure): "Britney said, 'Ghosts in the house were playing with my nipple ring.'"

Who knows the real answer apart from the terminally heartbroken popstrel herself. But fingers crossed that nork-obsessed spook story is true.

Britney Spears is either out for revenge or out for publicity.

Possibly reacting to her ex, Justin Timberpants' much publicised fling with Cameron Diaz, Spears has found herself a new man to cry on - Diaz’s ex, Jared Leto.

The superstar blonde has been seen out with her new actor/rock star fella at Ashton Kutcher’s LA restaurant Dolce on Saturday, leaving early for Ben Affleck’s birthday bash.

Although the appearance of birthday strippers remains unconfirmed, we can confirm that this time Spears wasn’t involved; she was far more interested in her new boy, who was engaged to Diaz for three years before splitting with the Charlie’s Angels beauty earlier this year.

Ouch!

But with Britney’s public profile dropping and a new album moving further and further away, this pairing could be a convenient stunt to get her in the papers.

Trousersnake and Spears are still good friends, however, and may even star in a Gap ad together - in which they are set to bag a reputed $1m each for their work, according to itv.com.

But Wwith Justin winning hearts across the US alongside Britters' rival Christina Aguilera on the pair’s Justified and Stripped tour, he's probably not that strapped for cash.

Breaking news from the pop frontline as the battle for Britney rages on.

Which hunk's going to snaffle the goofy-grinned pap wailer for any reasonable length of time?

The tittle-tattle hotline closed its book and refused to take any more bets once fancy-pants Colin 'God, I love myself' Farrell swaggered onto the scene.

Then Justin Timberlake shimmied back into view, and reputedly had a snog in a bog somewhere posh with the ex.

And then, incongruously, Spears was meant to be dating Limp Bizkit minger Fred Durst, so unhandsome he looks like Tom Waits' sickly grandson.

Who to believe, MegaMates? What a thoroughly meaningless quandary this is.

Meanwhile, the Sun and Star are turning Spears' love-life even more of a poser.

The Star claims the Farrell bloke ditched the "clingy" singer a full FOUR days into their relationship, while the Sun has pics of the pair enjoying a tongue sarnie and reckons it's lurve.

To add further romantic complications, the Star insists old Timberpants is dating Spears' nudey nemesis, Christina Aguilera.

It's a tricky situation all right.