Standing five—foot—one, pop icon Kylie Minogue is as petite as she is pretty. But in star terms, she’s massive. Past the Pacific and way outside the Atlantic, Kylie has sold millions of records, all the while being stalked by the British tabloids, who’ve reported on everything from her stream of A—list love affairs to what particular shoe she wore to the Sydney Olympics. (There was once an entire Web site devoted to image after lovely image of Kylie’s feet.) The Melbourne, Australia, native first became a name when she was cast as Charlene in the Brit—loved and Australia—based soap opera Neighbours. She went on to score 20 consecutive top—10 hits in the U.K. and a global hit with her cover of Little Eva’s “Locomotion.” (Remember that one? Ohmigawd! So do we!) But you don’t care about that. You want to know about her thoughts on Christina Aguilera, her carry—on—handcuff bust at an airport and the rumor that she and a former boyfriend/ INXS front man/resident of the great beyond, Michael Hutchence, engaged in immoral airplane activity behind the first—class seat of the Australian prime minister. You’re an insatiable gossip—but I’m here for you.
I recently met up with Kylie at the legendary Hollywood hotel Chateau Marmont (where John Belushi once died almost as pathetically as my jokes to the sultry singer). Into her room I went, where I found the terrifically tiny temptress draped across a couch, wearing a lacy, see—through blouse, pink bra and an all—knowing arch in those fantastically tweezed eyebrows. What was I wearing? Oh, like you really care.

STUFF: Vomiting frog—man or homicidal leprechaun. Who—
KYLIE: What?

I read that you’re a Simpsons fan, and I was just wondering who your favorite character was in the most recent Halloween special. I liked the human—amphibian hybrid that puked, myself.
I haven’t seen that Halloween special. But one of my favorite episodes is where Bart is Krusty’s assistant and becomes the “I didn’t do it” boy.

I’m told you have a Mr. Burns impression.
Well, it only happens when I’m completely exhausted. I just walk in and go [curling her hands up and in a Burns—like voice—if he were female and Australian] “I’m…too…weak. Can’t…do…anything. You’ve…got…to…do…it.” I think Mr. Burns is hysterical!

Madonna performed in a Kylie Minogue T—shirt at the MTV Europe Music Awards. Ever hang out with the Material Girl?
The only time I met her face—to—face was when she wore the T—shirt. I was about to present an award and someone introduced us. And, well, she asked if I liked the T—shirt. And I was like, “Er, yeah. Great. Thank you.” It was the most expensive billboard in the world.

What do you think of her fake British accent?
I think Madonna doesn’t do anything by halves. She lives [in London] and she’s adopted as much as she can. I mean, it’s quite obvious. But good for her, if she wants to do it.

What are your thoughts on diva—in—training Christina Aguilera?
Great voice, don’t much like her style. She’s a pretty girl, but I think it would be more interesting to see her stripped down a bit. But what was I wearing at 20? I’d hate to think.

Regarding your song “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,” how do I get it out of my head? ’Cause it’s been there for weeks.
It still goes around my head. Hey, you know what? If I invented a remedy, I could probably sell as many copies of that.

On one of your albums, Light Years, there’s a song titled “I’m So High.” Somebody parties!
Oh, no, no. Somebody doesn’t. I’m pretty boring, for want of a better word.

What about Ecstasy? Give me the highs and lows.
Uh, I had my phase. When I was going out a lot, it was a great time. We got really into dance culture. My girlfriend and I were laughing about this the other day, talking about Christina [Aguilera] and those girls who are 20 years old. We used to go out wearing hot pants and fishnets—and if we’d see girls wearing it now, we’d be going, “Uh, they’re going out like that?” We’ve become such prudes. Anyway, you’re only meant to do [Ecstasy] for a certain phase in your life. I enjoy work, and I know my day’s going to be that much harder if I’ve wrecked myself the night before. So that’s my only comment on that. I had my time.

A newspaper claimed that your sister, Dannii, once named alcohol and men as her biggest vices. How much of that statement applies to you?
It depends. I go through phases. Dannii and I, whenever we see each other, she’ll say, “Oh, my gosh. I’ve been having the most outrageous time!” And I won’t have. And whenever she’s on a real health kick, I’m the one who’s having the tequila slammers.

Dannii recently appeared in The Vagina Monologues.Is that something you’d ever do?
I’ve seen it three times. The one that my sister was in was great. And yes, it’s definitely something I’d love to do. Have you seen it?

Yeah. My only problem with it was that it claimed to go through every euphemism for that body part, but I don’t think they even came close. Do you have any nicknames for that area that weren’t covered in the show?
No. You should write to [creator of The Vagina Monologues] Eve Ensler.

I did. While I wait for her response, let me throw some by you. What do you think of the Notorious V.A.G.?
[Long pause] These are your ones? Very inventive.

Translation: You hate it. How about the Sassy Squirrel with the Hair That Doth Curl?
No, no. Too much. Your doth, with, hence… [Laughs and shakes her arms] Go, go.

Make me! How about this one, then: Captain Cooter of the SS Tinkletanic?
[Laughs] You have way too much time on your hands! Um, no. Simpler is better.

British tabloids have snapped you on a topless beach. What’s your reaction? Anger? Indifference? Delight?
Um, annoyance. I wish that it didn’t happen, but it did. What angers me more is so—called writers being so irresponsible, you know? Write it down—don’t just make it up. That’s what winds me up. Topless on a beach? Fine.

What makes a woman better in bed in her thirties than she is in her twenties?
Well, you just know what you want. You just know what you like. And I’m not telling you any details! I’m going to be very nonspecific with you. But it’s just, uh…it’s experience, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t know.
Oh, you would so!

Tee—hee! Your line of love, Kylie Lingerie is very successful in Australia. Any thoughts on creating a panty with a smiling pineapple on the butt?
They’ve made those already. It wasn’t a smiling pineapple, but it was a pineapple.

Well, what if he’s saying something helpful, like “Don’t forget to wipe!”
No.

You claim to have a lucky pair of pink panties. Example?
Oh, I’m trying to think—they’re just generally good. Not specifically sex—related. But it can happen that way.

Are they still in existence?
Mmm—hmm. I particularly like pink. With those knickers, if I’m doing something I’m a bit nervous about, I’ll think, Ah, good. At least I’ve got a bit of pink on. It’s color therapy.

You’re both a sexy siren and an amicable Aussie. Am I more apt to find a didgeridoo in your bedroom or a dildo?
Oh, stop with these questions!

These are things people want to know!
It is not! A didgeridoo.

Now let’s set the record straight: You. INXS’s Michael Hutchence. An airplane. First class. The prime minister of Australia in the seat in front of you. What happened?
The story? Well, few details [of that story] are untrue. But I’m not going to fill them in for you.

I heard that enrollment in the Mile High Club was not actually achieved, but you came close.
I’m not telling. I never told that story. Only Michael and I [smiles and points to the ceiling] know what really happened.

In your recent duet with Robbie Williams, at the end of the song he goes into lyrical detail about the virtues of having a back—end friend. What are your thoughts on the subject?
Huh? Oh, sodomy? Pass.

So no comment on taking the Vein Train to A—Town?
[Shakes her head] You should start your own show.

Think the rumors are true about Robbie and Nicole Kidman?
Don’t know. Don’t care. He projects this image that he’s just this rampant beast, but I don’t know if he is. He’s just a guy.

Were you really searched and found to be carrying handcuffs in an airport?
Yes, but there’s an explanation! I had a tongue—in—cheek kind of leather handbag—and the cuffs were the handle on it. When I checked through…ding, ding, ding. They looked through my bag and they were like, “We’re sorry, but we’re going to have to take these because they’re considered a weapon.”

So they were never used for anything more carnal.
Well, that’s all you need to know about it.

I’m told that your friends call you Min. Is that right?
Yeah.

Um, Miss Minogue? May I call you Min?
You may.

Really? Make my week much? Apparently you just did!
[Laughs] Yeah. Or you can call me Minx or Minnie.

Thanks! I wish we had more time.
I don’t, because you’d end up getting worse and worse with your questions!