Natalie: "Mr. Garrett can't move in here!"
Sue Ann: "Why not?"
Natalie: (pause as she thinks this over) "We don't have a Men's Room."
Jo: (making a toast) "Here's to all who wish me well, all the rest can go to . . . Jersey."
Mrs. Garrett: "Jo, only twice in my life have I spoken in an arbitrary manner. Once, when my ex-husband mortgaged our home to pay the bookee and now: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I'LL BEAT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!"
Natalie: "Hey, wanna hear how George got deported from Kuwait? He doesnt mind, do you George?"
George: "Hey."
Natalie: "Was it political? Oh, it had to be!"
George: "It was a girl."
Natalie: "Of course!"
George: "She was a knockout. At least what I could see of her had potential. She wore this black vail and every week I'd see her at the marketplace. Every week for two years and all I'm seeing is these eyes and she's giving it back to me - you know what I mean. Now, she's driving me crazy, so I start swating these flies around her - trying to knock the vail loose. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see her face. Just for a minute, just a glimse."
Natalie: "And you peeked, you animal you!"
George: "Just for a split second. And her mother saw me and she started screaming, and I was out of the country in 24 hours."
Jo: "Charming."
Natalie: "You see, the unexpected! This is what happens when you hit the road. It's what I'm looking for. Deported, way to go George!"
George: "Mrs. Garrett, there's a little more damage to the foundation than I thought."
Mrs. Garrett: "I can see. But I thought the floor was supposed to be done by now?"
George: "I'm working on it."
Jo: "Well, I gotta get going. Thats twelve gallons of egg shell. Right, Mrs. G?"
Mrs. Garrett: "Right. And look for sales."
Jo: (looks at the wall) "You know you missed a spot."
(Jo leaves)
Mrs. Garrett: (to George) "Weeellll....?"
George: "Weeellll....what?"
Mrs. Garrett: "Was she worth it?"
George: "Oh, yeah."
(Mrs. Garrett laughs, composes herself, and leaves)
(Mrs. Garrett and Tootie are gathered around a bird cage making kissy noises at Basil)
Tootie: "Hello!"
Mrs. G: "I love you!"
(more kissy noises at the bird; Tootie goes over to the other counter)
Basil: (squawk) "I love you, Edna!"
Mrs. G: (laughing) "I know you do -- tell me again!"
Basil: "I love you, Edna!"
(Blair and Jo enter)
Blair: "Hi."
Mrs. G: "Hi girls."
Jo: "Hey, Mrs. G. Nice bird."
Mrs. G: "Thank you."
Blair: "Where'd you get her?"
Mrs. G: "It's a he. His name's Basil. You remember my friend Ted?"
Blair: "How could we forget? You left each other at the altar."
Mrs. G: "Uh. Yes. Well. Ted sent me Basil to let me know he's still thinkin' of me."
Blair: "Ooh, how romantic!"
Jo: (unimpressed) "Yea, he sent ya the bird."
Mrs. G: (ignores Jo) "Basil's a very romantic bird. Listen. Basil, what do you say?"
Basil: "I love you, Edna!"
Blair: "Awwe. Hi Birdie!"
Basil: "I love you, Edna!"
(Blair looks hurt)
Mrs. G: (grins and fluffs her hair) "He's a one woman bird."
Mrs. G: (upset that, as the only woman in her cooking school, she doesn't get a hat) "Why don't I get a white hat? I want a white hat. I tried on Reggie's and I looked so cute."
Blair: "Stealing cars is bad. Breaking and entering is bad. But more importantly, those things are just wrong. I think someone famous once said, 'Thou shalt not steal.'" (looks proud of herself)
Natalie: "Oh my God!"
Blair: (talking about a performer) "Well, she’s just so-so actually."
Natalie: "No, my boyfriend’s here!"
Blair/Tootie: "Robert?" "Harper?"
Blair: (to Tootie) "Robert?"
Tootie: (to Natalie) "Could be."
Raymond: "Well, whatever his name is, I’ll go help him."
Blair: "I thought your boyfriend’s name was Robert?"
Tootie: "Ah, there is a Robert...and a Harper."
Blair: (gasps) "Natalie, you strumpet."
Natalie: "Oh, it’s not like that."
Tootie: "Oh, it so is."
Natalie: "Oh, be quiet."
(Mrs. G, Blair, and Tootie all sit down on the steps and sigh in unison.)
Mrs. G: "I thought her boyfriend’s name was Robert?"
Blair: "It is."
Mrs. G: "Where is he?"
Tootie: "Upstairs."
Mrs. G: "Well who’s that?"
Blair: "Harper."
Mrs. G: "Who’s he?"
Blair/Tootie: "Her boyfriend."
Mrs. G: "Of course. How silly of me. Got it."
Mrs. G: "Who are the Backstairs Boys?" (this, from a woman who knows what a .JPEG file is. Sheesh.)
Harper: "You can't expect Mrs. Garrett to move Thanksgiving up a day. Those things take forever to prepare."
Natalie: "Mrs. G can do anything."
Tootie: "Yeah, didn't you watch our show?"
Mrs. G: (on the phone) "Harper's where? Blair's *what*? Thanksgiving's when?!" (pause) "Sure, no problem."
Natalie: "How's your globe-trotting mom?"
Raymond: "Same as ever. She kissed me 99 times, talked non-stop all the way back from Manhattan, left me with the luggage, and ran off to town."
(During the "Sense of Humor" competition.)
Robert: "Good day ladies and gentlemen. Hey, I understand you used to live in Mrs. Garrett's attic. So I guess you could say you lived in Mrs. Garrett's garret." {HA!}
(During "Sense of Humor.")
Harper: "Alot of people are wondering whether Natalie and I are in the Mile High Club. I can't tell you that I'm sure because Bosnia Air uses the Metric System."
Jamie: "What's the Mile High Club?"
Mrs. G: (stops laughing) "Oh. It's an organization of frequent flyers."
(During "Cultural Literacy.")
Harper: "When I'm on the john is when I catch up on most of my reading. My Garfield, my Beatle Baily and Charlie Brown -- that's always a good one."
(Harper & Robert are parading around in their swim suits.)
Harper: "Hey, Robbie, I think you left your chest upstairs there, brother."
Robert: "Oh, that's very funny. Howdy Doody wants his brain back."
Mrs G: "Oh, I'm vibrating."
The Captain: "Me too."
Mrs G: "No no no, actually, it's my Palm Pilot."
The Captain: "Oh."
Jamie: "Who you callin' fella, fella?"
Blair: "Why, hello Maggie. I'm Blair Warner Warner. You must be the low-rent, off-the-rack, bargain basement tart who's trying to flush ten years of my marriage down the tubes. So this cheap tawdry affair is the way Tad repays me after I stick by him in the lean times -- okay, so there weren't any lean times -- nevertheless, I stuck by him! I can't blieve that -- "
Maggie: "Blair."
Blair: " -- after all we've been through -- "
Maggie: "Blair!"
Blair: "WHAT?!"
Harper: "I'd live in a grass hut if you'd live there with me."
Natalie: "Easy, Tarzan. If we lived in a grass hut where would I plug in my computer?"
Harper: "Tarzan will get you extension chord. Tarzan - Tarzan get you broadband connection. Tarzan hunt and fish while Natalie produce Emmy Award-winning segment."
Mrs. G: (scurrying down the hall) "Oh, that Chef Gaugan is a frisky one. When I say 'Non,' he hears 'Oui'!"
Chef Gaugan: (right behind her) "Ed-naa, come back!" (or something along those lines, but in French. Ooh la la. *g*)
(They run back and forth two more times.)
Raymond: "Hey, that's my mother!" (starts off after them)
Blair: (enters the kitchen) "Chef, have you seen Mrs. G?"
Chef Gaugan: "No, no, no MSG!"
Blair: "What?"
Mrs. G: (at her laptop) "Oh, no no no, not MSG, Mrs. G! That's me. I was just looking for a French chef on the Web to give me a new recipe for a yam glaze."
Chef Gaugan: "Mrs. Garrett, you insult me going to your French chef on the top-of-the-lap. You have your own French chef right here. Gaugan will glaze your yams." {**FALL**}
Tootie: (to Blair) "We're going with you; in case you got ta give him a beat down."
Tootie: (shocked) "He turned off his cell phone?!"
Natalie: "I know. He's a wild man."
Raymond: "I'm sorry, madam, there's been a change of plans. The restaurant is closed. We're serving dinner at a local preparatory school."
The Critic: "Really? Why's that?"
Raymond: "We like eating off of trays."
Mrs. G: (making a toast) "To Tootie --"
Tootie: "Aww, no."
Mrs. G: "Surrender, Dorothy."
Blair: "Chef, maybe we should try to convince Mrs. Garrett into coming to the inn to work with you."
Chef Gaugan: "Oh, this I would love."
The Captain: (enters, sees Mrs. G dancing w/ Chef) "Edna!"
(silence; they all stare at him)
The Captain con't: "I came as soon as I got your message."
Mrs. G: "Oh captain, my captain."
Tisha: "Oooo, there's gonna be troooouubbbble!"
