July 28, 2001

What makes a hair band?

Generally, hair bands - aka glam bands - are the mid-to-late-’80s light-metal groups that promoted themselves as more sizzle than steak: the music video always seemed more important than the music.

Some bands got mislabeled as hair bands because they sold well during the glam period. For instance, Def Leppard filled arenas as well as Bon Jovi; however, not only did Lep precede glam, but frontman Joe Elliot always had a lousy haircut. Also, Lep’s drummer lost an arm in a car wreck, and a guitarist died after years of substance abuse - the kind of bona fide tragedies that are the hallmark of a true rock ’n’ roll outfit.

And some bands, though maniacally maned, don’t qualify as hair bands. For example, Van Halen simply rocked - enough said. So did Guns ’N Roses; besides, Axl Rose and Slash are way too ugly to be considered glam.

Perhaps it’s best to define the genre by way of example. With that in mind, we present Cue’s Handy-Dandy Guide to Hair Bands:

1. Poison. Chicks might dig Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora, but Bret Michaels (no slouch in the babe-magnet department himself) has better rockin’ pipes, more along the lines of Steven Tyler. Plus, the band’s litany of hits - "Nothing But a Good Time," "Talk Dirty to Me," "Unskinny Bop," "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," "Fallen Angel," "Look What the Cat Dragged In," "Something to Believe In" - can rival any other outfit’s output.

2. Motley Crue. Until heroin and booze got to the band, their hits almost reached Van Halen’s in pop-metal quality. Yet we have to take points away because Vince Neil killed somebody driving drunk.

3. Bon Jovi. For our tastes, the Jersey boys are a little too pretty, and the music a tad too light. But the intro to "Livin’ on a Prayer" must rank as one of the best in pop-rock history.

4. Skid Row. Not too many hits, but frontman Sebastian Bach was the real deal talent-wise. Also, as far as "hair" criteria go, Bach had the longest, with straight blond locks swaying past his tush.

5. Whitesnake. Some listeners poo-pooed David Coverdale as a Robert Plant wannabe, but he had a depth to his singing few crooners can match. Plus, the tunes were far more layered and complicated than most hair-band pap. We almost wonder if Whitesnake deserves to be in this hair category; then again, Coverdale did have a magnificent bush of fluffed-up hair.

6. Great White. Jack Russell must be one of the most debauched rock singers ever. He probably should have died a long time ago. You gotta like his durability.

7. Ratt. The band had only a brief burst on the scene. But Milton Berle (whose nephew, Steve Pearcy, was Ratt’s frontman) on a video? Awesome!

8. Warrant. Back in the day, Jani Lane was just about the purtiest of the glam singers. In fact, on the "Cherry Pie" video, he gives Bobbie Brown a run for her money.

9. Quiet Riot. Frontman Kevin Dubrow still has those manic, Marty Feldman eyes - almost scary. Love the shriek.

10. Cinderella. Not much substance here, but the freewheeling "Gypsy Road" is good enough to get them onto this list.

- Phil Luciano