Welcome, to the first installment of RVG Investigates! Please do not leave until the article is complete. No smoking, drinking, stoning, or breathing in the theaters. In case of emergency, throw your computer into your trunk, drive to an empty grassland, and destroy it with a baseball bat to the tune of some gangster rap song like Ron Livingston in Office Space.

But that's beside the point. The point that's being investigated here is whether Soda Popinski is the re-incarniation of Ganon or not. Let's have a look at our subjects.

Soda

This is Soda Popinski. He is a boxer from Mike Tyson's Punchout for NES. When he is the victor over Little Mac, he will stand and laugh. Here's a random piece of trivia about him: he was originally going to be called Vodka Drunkenski. They didn't do it, though, because Yakov Smirnov told them not to create a Russian stereotype in the game under the threat of resurrecting Lenin. If Mr. Smirnov hadn't objected, the game would still be rediculed today for using the words, "vodka," and, "drunk." Damn soccer moms and their censorous living. It's people like these that keep their kids from watching violence and sex on TV. Personally, I see nothing wrong with this. If I had a kid, I'd rather have him grow up knowing what the Army is like and how to create offspring. If everyone's parents were such prudes, I wouldn't be writing this article and you wouldn't be reading it. Now, let's meet our second subject.

This is Ganon. If you haven't heard of him, then...well...that's just sad. In Zelda II, after Ganon was dead, Link set out on a quest to find Triforce No. 3, and wake up Zelda's sleeping beauty ass. Everyone wanted to kill him because Link's blood was the way Ganon would be resurrected. He did ultimately rescue Triforce No. 3 from the clutches of King Fire Bird and Dark Link, and returned it to Zelda, saying, "Get yo'self off yo' eternal sleepin' ass!" That night, they gave new meaning to the term, "riding the hobbyhorse." At least, that's what I think. Well, anyway, since you were the one playing through that whole trip to Triforce No. 3 and all, you must've gotten hit at least once along the way. If not, then I have one question for you: HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?! Actually, don't answer here, this isn't the time. Back on track, it must've been a deep wound. So, in his desperation to kill Dark Link, some of it accidentally spills onto Ganon's remains. A day later, Ganon emerges from the Final Palace. Except he's not Ganon anymore. He's Soda Popinski. The guy, for some reason, is granted the ability to fly, and flies to Moscow, where he becomes a boxer. He goes to fight Little Mac, laughs at Little Mac's patheticness...and gets one below the belt.

Ganon

Anyway, since I got their backgrounds, I started to do research *gasp* and here are my results, or lack thereof:

Exhibit A: Vocalistics
	Listen to this. It's a voice recording of Soda Popinski. Now, listen to this. It's another voice recording, this time of Ganon. Is there a little similarity there? Ohh, I think there is!
Exhibit B: Laughs at Misfortune
	The sound of their laughing is not the only vocal evidence. Also note the timing of their laughing. Soda Popinski laughs when he knocks Little Mac to the ground. Ganon laughs when Link falls off a cliff, into bad water or lava, or into a bad guy one too many times. They both have evil intentions behind their laughs!
Exhibit C: Ever heard of a face lift?
	Take a good look at their figures. Soda Popinski is a drunk Russian Goldberg in boxing, and Ganon is a pig on steroids. You'd think they cancel each other out, but noooooo. They both look like idiots. And why? Well, for one, they're both pigs, though not in the same way. (Ganon is a giant pig, and Soda's probably a "pig" with the ladies.)
Exhibit D: Fall into the Gap!
	Take another look at their figure. Notice something in common besides their figure itself? That's right, their choice of clothing. Apparently, even after being resurrected, he still hasn't learned there are certain anatomical pieces that must'nt be shown in public. Soda wears nothing, save shoes, gloves, revealing stripper attire, and a birthday suit. Ganon also wears nothing except for a cape and shoes. Is it too hard to see that? If it is, get glasses. But wash your eyes first. You'll need to forget this disgusting exhibit beforehand.

So, what do you think? Is Soda Popinski the re-incarneation of Ganon? E-mail me your thoughts on the matter, and maybe I'll be nice and put them up!