One summer afternoon my pal Graeme and I went to the local liquor store to pick up some booze. He was strapped on cash so he was looking for a cheaper substitute to the usual whiskey. The employee guy recommended the strong 8% malt beer simply known as Bull Max. My friend had nothing to lose so he bought a couple. Later that night he got more fucked up than the rest of us drinking our 40% whiskey. From that day on I had a certain respect for the power of malt liquor. Lately I have been drinking almost entirely 40 Oz Malt beers. They are easy on the chequebook and they get you totally messed up. I will post my run-ins with the phenomenon known only as MALT.

After a couple solid years of drinking primarily malt liquor I still love it. Now and again I get hassled and bugged by fellow drinkers, but I usually reply with something like "Fuck you and pussy assed beer" Even if I were a millionaire I would continue to drink Olde English. Its not just about the money, and that's what lots of people don't get. 40 ounce malt liquor is and will always be the classiest and most bad-ass alcohol choice. YOUR BUD LIGHTS COULDN'T LIVE A DAY IN THE SHOES OF MY BLACK BULL. If any of you pussies want to convert to real men then email me and arrange a night of swilling. Enjoy the readings. P.S. The more Landos the better.

Malts I've Swilled:
Bull Max
Old English(OE)
Mongoose
Black Bull
Extra Gold
Colt 45
Big Bear
Axehead
Black Label Supreme
Force 10
Perfect 10
Camo Silver Ice (High Gravity)

Ones I would love to get wrecked off of:
Bull Ice
Pit Bull
Blue Bull
Schlitz Red Bull
Schlitz Bull Ice (High Gravity)

Malt Reviews:

OE- What can I say, this has to be pound-for-pound the greatest alcoholic beverage on Earth. Olde English is a classy name for a classy brew. The 8% alcohol knocks you on your back quite quickly... at least when you swill it fast. You can get it anywhere malts are sold as they are generally regarded as the standard of all malts. God himself had a hand in the brewing process of this liquid velvet. If you are looking to fuck yourself up on a milder and tastier malt I would recommend this brand. When moving out of an apartment me and my buddies through over 100 empty OE bottles into the dumpster out back. Glass isn't recyclable is it? I once witnessed Bayou Billy funnel about 100 ounces of this shit. Killin' it!
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Bull Max- As I said above, this is the first 40 I fell in love with. It's a fairly bland 8% 40. Strange in that it's taste and potency vary drastically from bottle to bottle. AS with most 40s, quality control at the brewery is probably quite quesitonable. Seems to be generally replaced by its stronger cousin the 9% Black Bull. Not a bad malt by any means, but it doesn't stack up to Black Bull or OE.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Colt 45- Lando's 40 of choice. This 8% malt tastes like OE and battery acid combined. If you are forced to drink one of these make sure it is after you are already drunk. Another classic scenario where its a coin-toss if it will taste like shit or not. Every once in a while though you will run across one that tastes pretty good. For being probably the most widely known 40 I'd expect it to come through a bit more on the Lando scale.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Extra Gold- Black-bottled and at 9% this stuff is out right intimidating. Considering its alcohol content this malt is actually quite tasteless. Since these are harder to find I don't swill them too often. If you feel like trying something new and want to get quite fucked up then this is the way to go. The last few times I have swilled this, it was fucking decrepid in taste though, really grainy. There was one occassion where I drank just one of these and pretty much had alcohol poisoning or something. I woke up in at like 5 in the morning and felt like I might die. In 10+ years of drinking I don't think I've ever felt as close to death and I only drank one 40 of this shit! Further prooving that drinking cheap malts is a bit of a game of russian roulette.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Black Bull That's how a malt should taste, y'know? This bitch sits right up there with OE as the king of malts. Only the elusive Axehead compares in the taste to drunkeness ratio. It's the scarier more abusive cousin of Bull Max. I have chugged a single one these before and have been unbelievably messed up. I finally made it all the way through 2 and I paid for it the next day. I would not try to drink two of these if you aren't an old hand at malt or you will end up waking up in a pool of your own puke. Strangely enough this malt is typically significantly more potent than Extra Gold even though they are both 9%. This shit is designed for nights when you want to get so drunk that you can not account for hours of your life. Drink with caution. Failure to adhere to these rules may result in you pulling a "Bon Scott".
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Mongoose- The only malt I have tried that comes in a king can instead of a glass bottle. Since this brew is only a litre I would have to recommend drinking two, or if you can't handle that then chug one. The main downfall to Mongoose is it's rather intense mushroom taste. This stuff used to be common in all liquor stores, but I haven't seen it at all in a long time... it was probably making too many kids go blind. I have bad/fond memories of drinking these with Pizza Hut's "two-footers". Nuthin' but class! Easily the best label - a mongoose eating a cobra's face.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Big Bear- As a homecoming gift, my friend Reno bought me a Big Bear. It isn't too often that I get to try out a new malt, so I was quite hyped. The first swil tasted about on par with your average 40, but the rest of it was fuckin vile. If it weren't for my Radical Raspberry Kool-aid chaser I doubt I could have finished even one. I got to the swill and said fuck it, and went to sleep. This malt stacks up there with Colt 45 as the worst tasting of all malts. When I woke up I felt like shit. But hey, I was still glad to try one out y'know what I mean?.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Axehead- Some power in there! Bayou Billy gave me a 40 of this monster that he bought in 'the mountains'. Measuring in at 11% it makes it the strongest malt I have ever come across. When I first saw the 11% alcohol on the label I shuddered as I imagined what that must taste like. Considering how high the alcohol level was this actually didn't taste that much like rubbing alcohol. In fact OE is the only malt that tastes better then it. If it were available here I would probably drink strictly Axehead. you can quote me on that (please don't though) If anyone reads this and is in Alberta pick me some up! I drank one in about 45 minutes and was quite wrecked as a result. I wouldn't recommend drinking two unless you like getting your stomach pumped. BTW - did you know they pump your stomach through your nose? Weird, eh? This is the new standard in malt excellence. If they ever stock it near my place I will probably drink myself into an early grave.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Perfect 10- I consider this shit to be a fairly average tasting malt. The extra 6th of a percent was unnoticable in the taste department. The label is fucking badass. I could see me drinking this stuff on a regular basis if it were available 'round here. If you ever see it, I would recommend picking one up, but I would advise buying a solid Malt such as an OE to compliment it. I can't accurately guide the hang-over cause there were way too many other 40s involved in the equation the night I tried it. The swill tasted pretty good, but I was chugging it on the street so I hit it pretty hard and fast. Didn't want an open liquor charge on my permanent record.
Lando Rating: Hangover: ?????????????????????????????

Black Label Supreme- This bithc is 10% so as you can imagine the taste of alcohol becomes more noticeable. It kind of reminded me of a young Black Bear(which isn't a compliment). By the time I had started hitting this stuff I was quite drunk, so the details are a bit sketchy. I don't remember being impressed with the aftertase especially. On one swig I was brought to the verge of puking. If you are a pussy I would recommend avoiding this malt altogether. If it were available around here I would only buy it on ocassions that necessitate getting totally sewered. The hangover can't be accurately judged, cause I mixed it with a bunch of other shit.
Lando Rating: Hangover: ?????????????????????????????

Force 10- I'd read reviews of this malt over a year ago, and it was widely considered the worst of all the malts. So, when i got my hands on one I was very interested to see if the rumours were true and my answer is... kind of. Maybe it was cause I was expecting it to be so bad, I don't know. By no means is it a tasy malt though. It is among the worst in fact. Sort of reminded me of a bad batch of Extra Gold. I was pretty drunk at the time, so who knows how fucked up my perception of taste was. Definitely worth a try if only for the experience. One again the hangover is impossible to judge, but I think its pretty safe to say it would be quite bad. I have also tried the variant of this malt called Force 8. Basically the same but with 2% less alcohol. No point in drinking 8 over 10 that's for sure. Everyone knows that!
Lando Rating: Hangover: ??????????????????????????????????

Cyclone Power- This was a decent tasting malt liquor. Reaching the neck took me longer than it usually does, but once I got going it went down quite well. I only drank one, so the hangover was nothing at all. It had a particularly annoying swill as I recall. I kept picking up slight tastes of Extra Gold in this brew. Atthough this malt wasn't too bad, I doubt I would ever choose to drink another one.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

Camo Silver Ice (High Gravity) Purchased this 40 in the good ole US of A. As a result I have come out my 5+ year malt liquor retirement. My hiatus wasn't entirely by choice though. For some retarded reason you haven't been able to buy 40s in Manitoba for at least a few years. Not even OE or Colt 45. All liquor stores here are ran by the MLCC so something must have caused them to have a crusade against 40s. I should probably get a petition going to legalize 40s. I did a little research and all I could find was an article about high alcohol beer being banned in Edmonton because low lives get wasted all the time and cause trouble. Still think that's bullshit. I'd be willing to bet that it has no positive effect on crime or alcohol abuse. People are going to get fucked up one way or another, just might need to rob a liquor store if the booze isn't cheap enough for them to afford. Anyways, I was looking forward to the nostalgia factor but being out of the game for so long then diving into a 9% malt had me a little nervous. It tasted bad but not quite as bad as I imagined it would. I think it helped that I drank it fast and that it was ice cold. The 9% alcohol hit my blood stream very quick. Before I knew it my world was spinning. It's got some go man! Kind of wish I could still swill at will on 40s.
Lando Rating: Hangover:

MALT STORIES

Once again Reno comes through with new Albertan malts. All in all she brought Force 10, Cyclone Power, Extra Old Stock 7.1%, Black Label Supreme and Perfect 10. We decided to each drink an OE then share a bunch of the new Flavas. We all got quite nicely drunk. I ended up chuggin' the end of a Perfect 10 outside the Strand theatre. Check out the new reviews above.

On Friday night, I broke my friends and my personal malt record with 2 Black Bulls. Over a four hour period I put 2.36 Litres of Black Bull into my blood stream. Needless to say I was unbelievably drunk. The night was fun, unfortunately the morning wasn't as I threw up. After a snooze in the afternoon I felt almost normal. Now the question remains: Do I try and break my own record, or wait until someone else does then challenge them? It is a tough question that I will have to think long and hard about. Plans of me and Bayou Billy drinking 3 black bulls over a day are in the works. (I later witnessed my friend Jeremy destroy the 2 Black Bull record by drinking at least 3 OEs)

The picture below shows an older version of our 40 collection, it has since grown immensely. I would say there is a pretty good chance it is the biggest 40 collection in Canada.

GREATEST 40 OZ. SITE ON THE NET

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