Disclaimer: Joss owns them not me, so please don’t sue.
Author’s Note: This takes place ten years after “Amends” , it’s from Buffy’s POV. She’s looking back on how much her life has changed since she first moved to Sunnydale and met Angel.
Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better if I never knew him. I would have been saved the heartbreaking pain I went through each time I lost him. There were five times all together. When I found he was a vampire shortly after we met. When he lost his soul almost eleven years ago. A few months later when I sent him to Hell. When he moved to L.A nine and a half years ago. And when he was killed just a year ago. It feels like forever, but I know it hasn’t been. I’m just glad that in the end we were given some time together. I just wish it could’ve been more than just two short years. Every time I wish we had more time I remember that if hadn’t been for Willow we would’ve had only those few months 11 years ago. If she hadn’t found that cure, I would’ve been forced to live on those few happy memories from so long ago. Luckily she did find a way to make Angel’s soul permanent, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
The first time we officially met was when I knocked him on his back thinking that he was a bad guy. Looking back now I realise that I was attracted to him from the start, I just wouldn’t admit it then. I think I realised I was falling for him when he gave me his leather jacket. I wasn’t prepared to fall as deeply in love with him as I did though, I don’t think he was either. I knew things were out of my control the night I found out that he was a vampire. How horrified I had been, and so desperate to believe that he was good. Luckily I was right, but I remember how much I hated him when I thought he bit my mom. Most of my hatred was because I thought he had bit her, but part of it was because I loved him and I thought he had been using me. How happy I was when I learnt the truth, and how sad. Because although he was on my side I knew nothing could happen between us. But boy did I want something to happen. Avoiding him worked well for a while, but I still couldn’t get him out of my head. Then when I heard the prophecy I was so scared and confused. I felt like a little girl all over again. Afterwards I realised that the prophecy had shook him too, he didn’t want to loose me. the whole experience with the master really helped me grow up, it was the first major event that made me grow up big time. The others followed later.
When I came back from summer vacation I was so confused, I was trying to cope with something I had no idea how to deal with. Even years later Angel never let me forget that stupid dance I did with Xander, neither would Willow or Cordelia. It took a lot for him to admit he was jealous of Xander, it was also a big step for us as a couple. When Spike and Drusilla came to town I never guessed how much trouble they would cause. Or that I’d loose Angel to them, even if it was only temporary. I remember how happy I felt when Angel asked me out for coffee all those years ago. I thought I would die of happiness, but then the date that followed turned into a non-date. I think that was when I began to feel as if I couldn’t measure up to the woman from his past, so I did dumb stuff. Like that whole noble woman costume, THAT was brilliant. When I first learned about Drusilla I wondered if I would ever be able to truly trust Angel again. It scared me that he could do such a terrible thing, I would later learn for my self what a monster he could be. I loved him though, as much as I didn’t want to I did. I learned to trust him again and we started to become a serious couple. I remember how happy I felt when he asked me out to go skating all those years ago, I felt as if every dream I had ever dreamed was about to come true. Of course they didn’t, but I was happy. Boy was I confused when Kendra came along, but I learned to like her. Her death is something I’ll always regret, because I could have prevented it. Every thing that happened in the next few weeks just seemed to lead to the inevitable. I knew that Angel and I would make love, I honestly thought we were ready.
Boy was I wrong. Actually I think that if he hadn’t lost his soul we would’ve been okay, but that’s a big if. I loved him so much, and I was so happy when he finally said that he loved me too. Making love with him was amazing and horrible. Horrible only because of the events that followed. When Angel lost his soul I felt as if my heart was being ripped out. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t been able to tell myself that Angel and the demon were separate beings he would’ve killed me. I learned up close and personal what a monster Angel could be. And I finally understood why Angel had felt so much guilt. Ms. Calender’s death was what I needed to open my eyes and tell myself that Angel was gone. I honestly thought I could do it, but I don’t think I could have. I loved him too much to be able to kill him. Yet that’s what I ended up doing. I can still feel the horror that went through me when I realised that I would have to send him to hell. But I did it anyway, despite how painful it was.
When Angel came back I was shocked and a little afraid. Afraid that he would hate me for what I did, yet he still cared for me. I shouldn’t have kept his return a secret. I know that now, I was just scared that the others would act badly. And they did, not that I can blame them. Angel did do some horrible stuff, but it wasn’t him. I laugh now whenever I think about how dumb we were, believing that we could be just friends. It could never happen, we had to much of a past for that. After he tried to kill himself on Christmas something changed and we started dating again. Then things got to serious, he feared that we would become close again. So he left.
I remember how devastated I felt when he went to L.A. I tried to move on, but it wasn’t possible. We only saw each other every now and then. When Willow & Oz got married and Xander & Cordelia. At Giles’ funeral. Afterwards he comforted me, for he was the only one who knew how much pain I was in. After Giles died we became friends for the first time, and for a while I was actually content just being friends. That all changed three years ago when Willow found a way for us to be together. I knew as soon as she told me about the cure that I wanted more. So did he, and we fell in love all over again. When he asked me to marry him I gladly accepted. We never made it to the alter, he was killed before we had a chance. Even after a year his death still seems like a horrible nightmare. But it’s not, he’s truly gone, and for the first time there’s no way to bring him back.
It won’t be long until we’re reunited though. I know realistically I’m going to die soon. I’ll be 28 next month, I’ve lived longer than any other slayer. I’m not afraid to die, I had a good life. I was happy. I know most people don’t think you can live a full life in 28 years, but I did. I always knew I wouldn’t live long I was always aware of how young a slayer dies. And I’m not afraid. I just wonder how life would have been different if I hadn’t been the slayer. I would have lived some normal life, and never have known Angel. Would that life have been less painful? Probably. But Would it have been better? I don’t think though. One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t change the past. You also can’t change who you are. I had a good life, and I don’t regret a moment of it. For even the bad moments brought me to where I am today. I will miss my friends and family. But I’ll also leave them with a legacy, for I’ll expect them to carry on where I left on. I’ll expect them to carry on my memory, and the memory of my beloved. And I know in their own way they will. Willow will try to be the best watcher she can. Oz will continue on as one of the greatest guitarist in history. Cordelia will become one of the most famous fashion designers. Xander will become one of the most famous horror novilist ever, and I know he’ll immortalise me in a couple more of his books. Jenni will continue the slaying, hoping to one day achieve my goal of riding the earth of evil once and for all. And mom will continue at the gallery, making it big. I love them, and I hope that they enjoyed our time together as I have. For it is my time.