Rated: PG16
I'm out of ideas. I just feel empty, like there is nothing for me to do anymore. Which is ridiculous, of course, considering that I'm the Slayer, so I'll be fighting vampires as long as I'm alive. That's something. But there should be more... Something that fills me.
No one should be alone on Christmas. Not that I'll be really alone, but I feel that way. Alone, and so very very tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of disappointments... And I've seen so many. Disappointments of my own, my friends, my mother, my Watcher. Merry Christmas. Yeah.
The phone rang, and interrupted my little pity party. I leaned over and snatched it up, grateful for something to tear me from my thoughts. "Hello?"
A cocky voice that I hadn't heard in months greeted me. "Hey, Slayer. Merry Christmas season, or whatever holiday you celebrate. Happy Hanukkah." There were traces of a smirk in his tone, and I shivered, thinking of the last time I had spoken to him.
"What do you want, Whistler? I'm not in the mood for any of your riddles, and I was perfectly fine just sitting here..." I stopped abruptly before I could say what I had wanted to.
"Hating life?" he suggested. "Wishing that you weren't who you are? Wishing that things had turned out differently?" He clucked his tongue sarcastically. 'Now, now, Slayer. That's not good for you!"
He was really annoying me. "Okay, so when did you go all psychic? Everyone hates life sometimes. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to doing it for a while." I nearly hung up the phone on him, when something he said caught my attention.
"I can help you have a good holiday." His voice was suddenly softer, and kind of compassionate. I pressed the receiver harder against my ear. "It would only last for the day, but it could happen. Think, Slayer... If you had one Christmas wish, what would it be?" His voice was seductive and tantalizing, as if he already knew my answer. He probably did. It was pretty obvious. He remained silent for a moment, letting me contemplate.
I wanted Angel. I wanted to be with Angel. I wanted to be allowed to love him with no repercussions. I wanted him to hold me, and I wanted to feel safe in his arms again. I wanted to be able to kiss him like I used to, innocently and passionately, not knowing how those innocent kisses would turn on me later. I wanted all of him.
Whistler cleared his throat. All traces of sarcasm were missing when he spoke again. "So? Your answer is...?"
"What's going on? What's the trick, Whistler? There has to be something, right?" I dreaded his answer, so I was surprised with what he said.
"Nope, no trick. It's just been decided to cut you two kids a break. For a day," he added, warningly. "We can't exactly put everything right, forever, but you deserve a rest from the life that you guys are starting to hate. Life should never be hated." I laughed a little, out of shock.
"So this is serious?" I couldn't seem to understand. Everything good so far had proven to have some horrible catch to it. "This is for real?"
"Yeah, this is for real. One day. That is the only catch to it. You only have one day. Starting at midnight." I looked at the clock by my bed. The glowing numbers read 11:46.
"Midnight?! Well, wait--! What are the rules? There have to be some rules. Does Angel... Does Angel know yet?" Whistler chuckled at me, approaching hysteria.
"No, I said no tricks. Which means no rules. Which means... He's human." I gasped, my mind reeling. "His soul is firmly intact. Sunlight can't hurt him, neither can... Anything else." He chuckled, insinuation coloring his tone. I caught his meaning, and my heart caught again. But no-- I didn't know yet, anything. Whistler continued.
"And, no, Angel doesn't know yet. I thought I would leave that part up to you," he finished. I licked my lips, which had suddenly gone very dry.
"Thank you," I managed to choke out. My mind was racing with possibilities. Everything that I had ever wanted I could have for one day. That seemed... Well, not fair, exactly, but so wonderful that I couldn't see straight. "Is there, you know, anything I have to do?"
"Well, if you don't kiss him at midnight, then it won't happen." My eyes got huge.
"You don't think you could have mentioned that a little *sooner*?" I looked at the clock again. 11:51. "I have to go!" I leaned down to hang up the phone, only to bring it back to my ear in a hurry. "Thank you so much!"
I didn't bother with trivialities like putting on shoes or something other than my boxers and tank top. I grabbed my jacket by the door and raced out.
I had never run that fast in my life.
I reached Angel's apartment in record time. Two minutes to spare. Not bothering to knock on the door, I opened it and headed for the bed where he was resting, reading a book. He still had a lot of recovering to do.
He looked up, a little startled, and raised his eyebrows. I stared at him, my eyes resting on his own. He had the most beautiful eyes. Dark brown chocolate, or maybe coffee. It depended on what mood he was in, I noticed. He wasn't wearing a shirt... He was half covered my the velvet blanket I remember so well from that night. It rested on my skin just right. The friction was wonderful as I clutched at it, then.
Angel opened his mouth to speak, and I realized that I had been looking at him for over a minute. I heard a clock strike and I panicked, rushing towards him.
He looked at me in shock. "Buffy? Wha--"
I stopped him with my mouth. I fell on the bed, my mouth easily plundering his own and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He was still for a moment before he gave into the kiss-- Not forbidden as the ones before. He pulled me closer to him, crushing his weight against my own. The clock stopped sounding.
I pulled away, hesitantly, to look at him. Had anything changed? His eyes were still closed and his arms still around my waist. He had a soft smile flickering over his face, and I saw color fill his cheeks and I felt his neck warm up under my palm. I grinned, relieved that it was true and not just another trick being played.
Angel opened his eyes and looked down at me, life lighting the beautiful orbs. They were almost hazel. He shook his head suddenly and released me from his grasp. I fell off the bed.
"Buffy, what are you doing here? You know that we can't... You know that we can't be together! And why.... Um, why aren't you dressed?" He gestured to my night clothes and bare feet. I grinned. I couldn't stop smiling. A ghost of the smile he wore just a moment ago in my arms passed over his face again.
I got to my feet, chuckling. I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Whistler called me a few minutes ago. He asked me what my Christmas wish would be if I could have one." Angel's eyes flickered in the dim light and I stopped speaking for a moment to stare into them.
"Was it what mine would have been?" He looked at me seriously and I nodded, ny heart filled with joy. "So... what, then? What does this mean, Buffy?"
I waved my hand, dismissing his worried look. "It's not long, but it's enough. We have one day. We have one day together to be everything we never got to be, everything that wasn't allowed. You're soul is in place, and won't get lost no matter what, today. And-- Angel?" I looked at him to see if he had noticed. "Do you feel any different?"
He flashed me a wicked smile that warmed my insides. "You mean, have I noticed that I'm breathing and that my heart is beating and that my mind feels lighter than it has since..." He trailed off, the smile gone.
I didn't want any sadness or regrets to interrupt a moment of our day, so I grinned. "Yeah, have you noticed any of that?" His brooding look disappeared.
"Yeah, I kind of have.... Buffy, is this for real?" I smiled. He sounded so hopeful, like a little boy. I nodded at him, and he grinned widely, jumping out of the bed and lifting me into his arms to swing me around the room. We laughed.
Angel's laugh is something I had rarely heard. It's beautiful. Warm, open. When he laughs, he holds nothing back. It's because he's really happy... I hoped today would hold a lot of laughs and smiles for him. He set me down on my feet, his arms still encircling my waist.
We looked at each other for a long moment before I broke the silence. "So... What do you want to do?" He eyed the bed before he could stop himself and I laughed. He looked back at me guiltily.
"Whatever you want to do. Do you want to go for a walk or something?" Always the gentleman, I knew that he would never suggest doing what I knew he dreamed about and remembered constantly. I knew this because I did, too.
"The 'or something' sounds good to me, Angel." I made my voice sound as silky and seductive as possible. He gave me a warm, soft smile and lifted me up, carrying me like a groom would carry a bride over the threshold.
He set me down on the bed and undressed me carefully. I closed my eyes and kept them closed until he was done. Then he lifted my chin and spoke. His voice was rough with passion... I had only heard it that way once before.
"Buffy. Look at me." I opened my eyes and fastened them on him. "I love you."
My heart beat hard in my chest. "I love you, Angel." Those words, so sacred and forbidden rolled off my tongue easily. I had wanted to say them again since... Since I said them that night, so long ago.
He kissed me, his lips and tongue teasing mine, and I responded by pressing into him. As he lowered me against the sheets, all I could hear were those words.
Afterwards, we laid together in awe. That was what I had missed the first time. We had fallen asleep so quickly last time, that when I woke up, he had been gone... He played with my hands, tracing the backs of them with his fingers. Angel was the first to break the silence, speaking hesitantly.
"Buffy?"
"Mmm?"
"I um, I never got to really explain the whole meaning of the ring to you that night." He cleared his throat and looked down and I started to get worried. "It doesn't just stand for those things I described to you. It was also a-- a wedding ring." He looked at me, expectantly. My heart seemed to bloom.
"Do you mean.... Angel, are we married?" I laughed at myself to cover if that wasn't what he had been talking about. If I was taking it too far.
"By the laws of my people, we are. Or-- I mean, if you have nothing against that. The marriage must be wanted by both for it to be a true binding of the hearts. That's always what was said to me when I was a boy." My head felt light.
"Angel?! I'm married to you!" I laughed and started crying. "Yes! This is what I wanted ever since I fell in love with you. I just never thought... I never knew it was possible!" He grinned and pulled me closer, almost possessively, kissing my forehead.
"Not only was it possible, it happened, my love." I smiled and snuggled against him.
I leaned up to kiss him again when something caught my eye. The clock read 7:58. I gasped and scrambled out of the bed, pulling on my clothes. He looked at me inquisitively and I nodded toward the clock.
He looked at it and shrugged, chuckling. "Buffy, you're not really going to school *today,* right? I mean, you don't even have school today! It's Christmas.... Oh... Is that it? What, you want to be with your family?" I looked at him, a surprised smile on my face. He hadn't figured it out yet?
"Angel, I *am* with my family." His confused and slightly hurt look softened. "But we only have one day, and I wanted to show you..." I nodded at the clock again.
A look of dawning appeared on his face. "The sun," he whispered. I grinned.
"You do want to see it, right?"
He looked at me, and I noticed that his eyes were slightly glassy. "Buffy.." He sounded choked. "Buffy, I get to see you in the sunlight. I get to feel it warm your skin." I nodded and smiled.
"Well, not if we both don't get up..." He sat straight up in bed.
"The sunlight..." He whispered again.
I kissed him.
After Angel pointed out that I planned to leave his apartment in my night clothes, I changed from them into something of his. I rolled up his long, black slacks and cinched them at the waist with a belt. His shirt was way too big for me, but after I rolled up the sleeves and unbuttoned the first few buttons, I thought I looked very chic.
Angel saw me admiring myself in the mirror in his clothes and grinned at me. "Still preening? Come on, I promised I wouldn't open the shades... Are you going to make me wait until the sun is gone?" I looked at him coyly, a thought occurring to me.
"Angel, come here."
He winked and got off of the bed to come up behind me, his arms circling my waist. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hair, inhaling it. I sighed, and then remembered why I had asked him over.
"Look up." I set my voice to firm, because I knew that him kissing my hair would be way too much of a distraction. He opened his eyes and looked over my shoulder.
As his gaze caught what I was gesturing to, his eyes widened and he partly let go of me in shock, bringing his hand up to his face in wonder. "Oh my God. " He made a sound between a laugh and utter disbelief. "I can see myself!" He let go of me completely and approached the mirror cautiously.
"Angel, you're not gonna bite yourself." He laughed at my cheesy pun. When he reached the mirror, he brought his hands up to the surface of it, touching the reflection of his face. I smiled. I suddenly felt like all of hurt was disappearing. A little voice in the back of my head reminded me that the hurt would come back, full force, at midnight, but I pushed it away, determined to be happy for as long as I could.
Angel spun around, color lighting his cheeks. He looked at me with a satisfied grin and sauntered over to where I was, a couple feet away. I laughed at his expression. "Now don't get too smug with yourself."
"Oh, I'm not smug because of that, though I will admit that I had almost forgotten what it was like to see myself. I'm smug because I have the *you* as *my* wife." He punctuated his words with kisses. I leaned against him, sighing. I suddenly didn't want to leave the apartment. He looked at me like he could read my thoughts and gave me a lingering kiss.
"Come on," he said, pulling away. "I want to see you in the sun."
We walked up the stairs to the exit door slowly. I made him stop before we went out so that I could blindfold him. He sighed and muttered something in Gaelic at me, but I just laughed and accused him of being a baby. His grin belied his tone.
When we got outside, I heard his gasp of astonishment at the feel of the sun hitting his skin. Like most California winters, this one was sunny and warm, with only a cool breeze to let us know it was Christmas. I was extremely grateful that it hadn't rained.
I led him out, until we were completely away from the shadows, and then took off his blindfold. He left his eyes closed for a moment, seemingly in prayer and then opened them, squinting. When his eyes had adjusted to the light, he looked at me in wonder.
"More beautiful than I could have imagined." I blushed, flattered and a little frightened by the intensity of his stare. He rushed at me, laughing and hugged me to him tightly.
I took his hand and he wound my fingers through his. We looked at each other, everything said in our eyes. I allowed him to see my worry over the tomorrow's and I saw it in his eyes, too. He squeezed my hand.
"Lets not think about that. That tomorrow's will come as they will, but right now I'm not going to let anything get in the way of how I feel... I haven't been allowed to feel this way in so long." His eyes twinkled down and me and I knew that there wasn't any one word that could describe what we were feeling. Happiness, joy, hope, anticipation, sadness, worry. Sunshine and rain together.
We started walking, leisurely, towards my house. Angel suddenly laughed and spoke. "Does anyone even know where you are?" I started giggling.
"Well... The Whistler..." We laughed and I couldn't stop smiling at the way everything thrilled him. He was taken with the trees, the wind, the birds, the people. He contemplated the white, fluffy clouds in awe.
"You know, when I just a boy, I would sit with my two brothers and we would have competitions on who could find the best cloud in the sky. We would see that it looked like something, and we would make up a story about it's backround.... Everywhere it had floated past. Our mother would listen, and decide who had won." I listened to him in fascination, hearing traces of an Irish accent. He never talked about his family.
"Were they older than you?" I asked, hesitantly. In the past, when I had asked him, he would close up and shut his eyes tightly. It hurt me to look at him like that, so I had stopped asking. He threw me a warm glance, letting me know that he was okay.
"I was actually in the middle. Michael was the oldest and Gabriel was the youngest. Gabriel would get into a lot of trouble, and our father would often punish Michael and I for doing things Gabriel blamed on us," he laughed. I grinned, happy to see him finally talking about something that used to be so close to his heart.
We had reached my house, and-- even from the sidewalk-- I could see a commotion going on inside. Angel clutched at my hand, and I squeezed his reassuringly. We walked up the path slowly, both of us not wanting our time together to end with people yelling and questioning and giving disapproving stares. When we reached the door, Angel turned to me and smiled, half lifting me as he pulled me into his arms. He kissed me long and hard, leaving us both out of breath and with kiss reddened lips. "To last us as long as it takes before we can do that again," he whispered.
We opened the door to be greeted by four angry faces. Cordelia and Oz were absent, I noticed sadly. Giles handed my mother some tissues and she dabbed at her tear streaked face. Her eyes caught mine and for the longest moment we just stared at each other, me pleading with her to understand. Her gaze swept over Angel and I felt him tighten. She knew everything now; I had told her. Everything abut his soul loss, and about his resouling. About how I had sent him to Hell. About how it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. She also knew he was a vampire. No wonder she had been staring at him so oddly, I thought. The sun was lighting his features.
I looked at the others who were also staring in shock. Giles was looking at him and averting his eyes over and over, like he didn't know what to think or do. I was painfully reminded of Jenny. Xander's mouth was hanging open, dumbfounded. Willow's eyes grew large and when I looked at her, she smiled hesitantly. A perfect Willow thing to do. It made me feel a lot better about everything.
I let my eyes go back to my mother. She walked forward slowly and pulled me to her, hugging me. When she pulled away, she had a nervous smile on her lips. She turned to Angel.
He looked at her nervously, obviously hoping that she wouldn't kick him out. She widened her smile and pulled an astonished Angel into a hug. After a moment, his arms tightened around her back and I felt the tears rise in my throat. She pulled away and looked at him steadily. "Merry Christmas. Angel, you are welcome to celebrate with us today. In fact, I ask that you please do." He looked at me for guidance but I merely nodded.
"Thank you, Mrs. Summers. I will." Willow beamed at me and I grinned back. Giles recovered himself to walk forward and briskly shake Angel's hand. Angel looked alarmed, but not displeased. Willow bounced a little before running to the both of us and pulling us into a three person hug. We laughed.
Our eyes met when Willow released us and we both looked simultaneously at Xander. He stood on the edge with his hands in his pockets, trying to decide what to do. After a minute, forced a smile and lifted his chin at Angel. Angel grinned back at him so easily that the forced part of Xander's smile almost disappeared.
My mom clapped her hands. "All right. It's almost 1:00. Let's do our Christmas stuff!"
The day flew by quickly--Too quickly. The thoughts of the rest of my life started to plague me as the afternoon wore on. I was too happy. Even as I was so, I knew it wasn't smart of me, to let go like that. We opened presents and talked, and everything was perfect for a while. But the thoughts wouldn't leave me alone.
Because our Christmas schedule was so off, we didn't start eating until it was dark, almost six o'clock. I kept glancing at the clock, in hopes that it would slow down or, preferably, stop and let us have this time together. It didn't.
Angel noticed me looking at the clock and leaned back against the couch to put his arm around me. I leaned against him feeling a small measure of security. He was warm and solid, and as he rubbed my arm affectionately, I couldn't help wishing for more. I hadn't thought at the beginning of this about the repercussions. About how much it would hurt later knowing that we couldn't be together.
At ten, Willow stood up, stretching. She glanced at her watch. "I think I had better be getting home... I hadn't planned to stay this long. My parents are probably worried sick," she added, grinning.
Xander looked up at her with pleading eyes. "But wait! Will, we haven't won Trivial Pursuit yet! We only need one more pie..." He gave her his little boy grin.
She laughed. "You play without me."
"But if I do that, I'll lose," he pointed out logically. We all laughed at him as he got to his feet resignedly. He made a point to sigh loudly.
I looked at them, their eyes lit with amusement. I was happy for them. All of the things that had transpired in the past few weeks were sure to do some damage to their friendship, but Willow explained to me in a moment of privacy that they were having an "old friend's truce" for the holiday. I just wished that Oz and Cordelia could have found some sort of a "jilted lovers" truce. I could see that Willow and Xander missed each of them terribly.
Shaking myself out of my thoughts I stood to walk them to the door. Angel walked with me, his hand on the small of my back. I loved the slight pressure there, it made me feel like I really belonged to him. At the door, I hugged Willow and Xander and gave them a little bottle of extra Holy Water to take with them on their walk home. They knew how to take pretty good care of themselves, but you could never be too careful. Willow hugged Angel and Xander shook his hand quickly, not wanting to admit that he had had a good time with Angel.
After they left, Angel and I rejoined Giles and my mother in the living room. Looking up at us, Giles realized immediately that we were going to make our excuses and leave. He stood up and we walked back to the door.
When Angel went to get my coat, Giles leaned in close to me. "You will explain this all later, won't you?" I grinned.
"Yeah. It's really not that complicated, though. I'll tell you about it in a few days." He nodded and gave a quick hug, surprising me.
"Happy holidays, Buffy." His voice warmed my heart. This man, so willing to give up his own instincts to hate for me, his instincts to hate the man I loved, was a really great guy. He protected me, and helped me and was there for me. My eyes started to tear up, and I pulled him into another, longer, hug.
"Thanks, Giles. For everything. Happy holidays to you, too." Angel came in with my coat. He slipped it on me, and we were off.
I noticed the clock on our way out. We had less than two hours.
Since my mother-- in an act of surprising trust-- had let me take the Jeep, we got to his apartment in no time. As we walked in the door, we both fell silent, realizing that there wasn't much time left. I looked at him sadly and he brushed my cheek lightly with his knuckles.
"I know," he said, reading my thoughts. "It's not fair at all. I wish that this could go on forever. It may not seem like it, but this has been the best day of my life. This normalcy, being with your family, being accepted. I don't want it to end, either." A tear slipped out from under my eyes and he caught it on his thumb, looking down at it for a long moment.
Keeping our gazes locked firmly on each other, we made our way to the bed. We sat down on it, undressing. His eyes never left my face. This was the last time, we both knew. This was the last time we could allow ourselves to be happy and in love. After this, there would be nothing. At midnight, I would rise from his bed and leave him forever.
He pulled me to him and kissed my shoulder, now bare. I trembled under his lips, and felt the wetness of his tears against my neck. I was crying, too.
Shortly before midnight, we laid together in quiet companionship. It was the kind we knew neither of us would ever have again. He spoke in whispered tones. "I love you, Buffy. I won't get to say it anymore after this, but I love you. You rule my heart." I sighed and nodded, my forehead against his chest. My tears started again, unbidden and he wiped them away with his lips.
"What I wouldn't give to never have you cry again," he murmured into my hair. My shoulders started to shake as I looked at the clock tick it's way to midnight.
The phone rang, interrupting our stillness. Angel let it ring, stroking my back. The answering machine picked up and a familiar voice rang out.
"Hey, you crazy kids. Someone pick up the phone. I know you're both there and you're gonna want to hear what I say," Whistler added, annoyed. Angel reached over and put set it on speaker phone.
"Yeah?" Whistler laughed.
"Is that any way to treat someone who helped give you this?" He asked snidely. Angel's eyes met my own. He had a point.
"Sorry. It's just-- There are five minutes left, and why are you taking them away?" Angel said, all in one breath. He pulled me closer to him.
"Well, it's been decided that you both deserve more than this. Today was sort of a trial run... A forbidden love seems more exciting at times, you know? So we kind of had to see what would happen if all of the tragedy out of your little star crossed romance. Am I boring you? There are still three minutes left, you could hang up and cuddle." He laughed, pleased with himself.
"No!" Angel and I shouted in unison.
"Sorry. What do you mean?" I continued in a calmer tone.
"Put simply, this. You get to keep it. No refunds. We took the bad out of your relationship to see if you would still want the love, and you did. It's yours." I could hear him smiling.
Angel and I looked at each other in shock and awe. I didn't believe it. He didn't believe it. So why were we smiling like idiots? "Are you sure? Is there-- Is there anything else we need to know?"
Whistler whistled, a long drawn out one. "Yeah, a couple things. Angel, you retain your physical strength. It just makes more sense. She's the Slayer, you're a guy. You're bound to be getting in the middle of some of her fights, thinking she needs protecting. Second, you guys are married and all, right?" We made quiet sounds of happy affirmation. "Well, unless you wanna ruin that figure, Slayer, you guys might want to start using protection. I have a feeling you're gonna need it." I looked at Angel with wide eyes and we grinned at each other. He planted an exuberant kiss on my mouth.
"So anyway, I'm gonna let you kids go. Merry Christmas." We heard a click and Angel pressed the button, disconnecting the phone.
I sat up, my mind reeling with the revelations of.. everything. It was wonderful. Angel sat up next to me, and looked at me. I could actually see the love shining out of his eyes. I looked at the clock. It was after midnight, and Angel was still breathing. His skin was still hot. I placed my hand on his cheek in wonder.
"It's true, right? Nothing is going to hurt us this time?" I asked him, a little uncertainly. He smiled reassuringly and I believed the look on his face before he spoke.
"Never again," he swore softly. He began to pattern little kisses down my cheek and to my neck. I made a little whimper of happiness and he pulled me even closer, if that were possible. "I love you."
"I love you too, Angel." How magic those words were!
"And you know what?" He continued his little kisses.
"Hmmm?" I was getting weak.
His voice was as soft and steady as his kisses. "I can spend the rest of our lives proving to you how much."