As Time Passes
Well the months have passed, and I can honestly say that on the whole I
actually look forward to getting up in the mornings. I still have my bad
days, and I don't think that they will ever go away entirely.
I learned some time ago to applaud myself for the little steps that I am able
to take, and to quit focusing on the steps back that are inevitable after loosing
a child.
I have also learned that things will continue to get different. People who haven't
been through a loss of a child might think that they will get "better", but to be
better I would have to have Derek with me, in my arms. And since that will never
happen while I am still on earth I know that it will NEVER be better, but my grief
will, over time, become DIFFERENT.
I have learned to be able to "put away" my grief, and store it in a place close to my
heart. I have also learned to accept those times when I NEED to "visit" my
grief again, and I am able to "pull it out" and spend time with it. It is amazing how
GOOD a really good cry can make me feel these days. In the first days, weeks, months I didn't
think that I would ever quit crying.....now I actually look forward to the days that I can
spend some time with my grief.
Derek's daddy and I have taken a BIG step! We have started the process towards adoption!! We have always been open to the idea, and we had infact pursued it before I became pregnant with Derek, but after Derek's loss, even though we were trying to conceive another child, we didn't feel that we were ready for the emotional ride of adoption. Now, 26 months after Derek left our world for the next we find ourselves emotionally ready for this step. We both know that Derek will be with us each step of the way of the adoption process, and, we know that any child that we are blessed with will know about their big brother!!!
Since we have just started the process we are months and months, and possibly years away from actually adopting, but I will update our progress as it is made
Derek's daddy and I were THRILLED to learn on June 1, 2000 that Derek had a baby brother or sister on the way!! We were in shock actually, because we had JUST finished all of the preliminary adoption steps! Unfortunately our joy and excitement was very short lived, on June 8, 2000 Derek's little brother (I am sure that this was another boy!) left to join him in heaven. "Little Sprout", as his daddy and I called him, had implanted himself into my left tube, and he had to be removed. Luckly we found out that he was in my tube before any damage could be done, and my tube was saved. Now we have 2 angels watching over us, and I know that Derek will do his daddy and I proud, and he will watch over his baby brother until we can join the both of them again!
We are still going to actively pursue both adoption and conceiving siblings for Derek and "Little Sprout", and I know that any future Thiessen's will have all the protection that they can have with 2 special guardian angels watching over them!
Derek's daddy and I were actively trying to give him a brother or sister to watch over, and since it took us 4 years to conceive Derek we are very surprised that his little brother or sister is already with us! To read more about Derek & Little Sprouts sibling go here ITSY BITSY
I know that Derek has been with me every step of the way as I have been travelling down
this VERY long road of grief and now he has his little brother with him, and I know that with each little victory that I had he was applauding the loudest! Derek will always be my first born, and he will continue to live on in my heart and my memory.......because just because I can now look forward to getting up in the mornings deffinately does NOT mean that I have forgotten about him!
On November 17, 2001, Derek greeted his Grandpa Johnson at the gates of Heaven. My daddy was diagnosed with a brain tumor on the 9th, and passed away 8 short days later. The shock of his sudden passing has been yet another hurdle that we as a family have had to face together, and we ARE facing it together! I know that Derek and his grandpa are having a wonderful time together, and I know that my daddy will watch over my angel boys until it's my time to meet them at Heaven's gates!
It has been FOREVER since I have updated anything about us and our lives on Dereks site. Must have something to do with being so busy with his baby brother Dustin!! As of this date, August 11, 2002, Dustin is 13.5 months old, and walking (I really should say running!) everywhere! He is a very busy boy, who is keeping his guardian angels VERY busy!!! He has absolutely no fear, and will try everything at least once! People automatically assume that since I have Dustin now that the pain of loosing Derek should be eased.......when in fact in some ways it is harder. Why you ask, because even though I knew in my heart all of the mile-stones that I missed with Derek I now have Dustin who SHOWS me the mile-stones! It won't matter how many children Doug and I have, Derek will ALWAYS be our first born, and there will forever and always be new mile-stones that we didn't get to see him pass!
Speaking of how many children Doug and I have, I am actually 37 weeks pregnant right now with Derek's next sibling to watch over! Which may also explain why I haven't done so well in keeping Derek's site updated! Derek will have 2 siblings less the 14 months apart.....so he is going to be a VERY busy guardian angel, and his mommy is going to be a very busy mommy!!!! It took us 4 years to concieve Derek, then another 2.5 years to concieve Itsy Bitsy, and only 4 months to concieve Dustin (which Doug and I thought was a one time fluke!), so we figured that we weren't going to use any protection, and if I got pregnant again quickly then great, and if I didn't we weren't actually actively trying anyways.....well, when Dustin was almost 5 months old we found out that he was going to be a big brother......I think after this baby there WILL be protection used :o)
Well, it's now November 1, 2002, and our 2 month old DAUGHTER is napping with her daddy!! Yep, now Derek & Little Sprout have a baby brother and a baby sister to watch over!!!!! I will 'introduce' you to Reanna in the near future......
Well, I CAN NOT believe that it has been 2 1/2 years since I have updated here!!!! We have been VERY busy, since my last update we have moved 3 times (Derek's daddy is a banker......moving comes with the job!!!) AND we have had ANOTHER baby!!! Derek helped his baby sister Jennifer make a SCREAMING arrival on May 27, 2004!
The kids are ALL very active & getting bigger by the day! If you would like to see the children who keep Derek & little Sprout the busiest angels in heaven please visit our picture trail album Here
Dustin & Reanna both know about Derek & understand that he is in heaven (they have been exposed to a lot of losses in their short lives, loosing 4 great-grandparents, a grandpa, and an aunt in the last 3 1/2 years) Dustin's only request now is for a brother.....one that he can play with, who isn't in heaven!!!!
Well, here we are, it's November 19, 2005 & I have 3 children tucked into their beds for the night, AND another one on the way!!!!!!!!! Shortly after Jennifer turned 13 months old I found out that I am pregnant AGAIN! We are, of course very excited and shocked! I am due March 22, 2006, and since they usually induce me 2 weeks early that means that this next baby will have a birthday very close to Derek's.....it has been a more stressful pregnancy because I keep thinking about that, but with 3 children 4 and under running around I really haven't had much time to worry about it to much! Dustin does have a request for a brother, however, he has assured us that if this next baby is a girl he will still love her hehehehehe........I am sure that if it is a girl he'll be requesting his OWN bathroom when he's a teenager!!!!!!
It is now June 23, 2006 & I have 4 children tucked into bed for the night.........yep, Derek & Little Sprouts 4th sibling made a SCREAMING arrival into the world on March 14, 2006 (4 days after Derek's 8th heavenly birthday!!). We had another girl, Chelsea Leslie was born at 5:34 in the morning, and weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces & was 20.5 inches tall. She is completly & totally ADORED by her big brother & her big sisters!!!! Having her born so close to Derek's birthday was quite mentally taxing on me, but my doctor was on the same page I was with that, and he kept me very closely monitored!!!! We had some tense momented during delivery, Chelsea's heartrate dropped & we weren't able to find any positions for me to sit in that would keep it from dropping during my contractions.......thankfully my last stage of labour was VERY short, and I didn't have to many hard contractions........when she was born the reason for her decels was discovered......she had the cord around her neck, not just once, but TWICE!!!! SO, out of the 5 babies that I delivered 3 of them had their cords around their necks!!!!
Life is, as you can imagine, very busy around here!!! Dustin is becoming more & more curious about who Derek is, and what happened to him......we try to be as honest as we can, but we don't want to overload him with information that he's not ready for, and won't understand! He is going to be 5 on the 26th, Reanna will be 4 in August, Jennifer just turned 2 in May, and of course, Miss Chelsea is 3 1/2 months old.......things will quiet down a LOT come September, then I will have 1 in kindergarten daily, and 1 in preschool 2 mornings a week........I will be practically bored with only 2 to chase around at home!!!!!! It will be nice for Jennifer though, because Chelsea will still not be very mobile, so it will be the first time in her lift that Jenny with have some REAL 1 on 1 time with mommy!!!!!
If you are just newly bereaved, and you feel like there is no place to turn, please e-mail me,
I am always here, and ready to listen, and to share.
KEEP SHINING BRIGHT FOR ME MY SONS!!!!!!!!!!!
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