We have a relationship with God because He loves us and thinks we were worth dying for, not because we behaved holy enough to deserve it. Paul says,"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us"(Romans 5:8). God hates how we live sometimes (our behavior), but "there is therefore now no condemnation for those [people] who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).

Characteristics of Shame-Based relationships

1. Out-loud shaming. The message communicated is: "Something is wrong with you"; "You are defective"; "You don't measure up"; "Why can't you be like...."
2. Performance-orientation. The focus is on doing certain good behaviors and avoiding others as a means of earning love, gaining acceptance, acquiring approval, or proving value. Failure to perform results in shame.
3. Unspoken rules. Behavior is governed by rules or standards that are seldom, if ever, spoken out loud, in fact sometimes the only way they are discovered is when they are broken. There is a "can't-talk-about-it" rule in effect--which means no one is supposed to notice or mention problems; and if you speak out about a problem, you are the problem. This forces people to keep quiet. There is also a "can't-win" rule in effect.
4. Communicating through "coding". Talking about feelings or needs leaves you feeling ashamed for being so "selfish". Talking about problems breaks the "can't-talk-about-it" rule and gets you ashamed for being the problem. Therefore, family members learn to say things in code, or they send messages to each other indirectly through other people.
5. Idolatry. Family members are taught to turn to things and people other than God's acceptance as the measure of their value and identity. The measuring stick becomes how things look; what people think; religious behavior; acquiring possessions.
6. Putting kids through a hard time. Kids are involved in the messy and imperfect process of finding out about life. But the family cares most about how things look and what people think. Therefore, just being a kid becomes a shaming thing. Children must learn to act like miniature adults in order to avoid shame.
7. Preoccupation with fault and blame. Since there is such a focus on performance in this family, lack of performance must be tracked down and eradicated. Fault and blame are the order of the day. The purpose of the question,"Who is responsible?" is to find out who is to blame. That way the culprit can be shamed, humiliated, and made to feel so bad that he won't do the behavior again.
8. Strong on "head skills". Family members become experts at defending themselves. Blaming, rationalizing, minimizing, and denial are just some of the ways people try to push away the shame message--usually in vain.
9. Weak on "heart skills". "Can't feel" is another rule governing this system. Feelings are wrong, selfish, or unnecessary. People in shame-based families don't know how they feel or how to respond to their feelings. These are emotionally reactive places.
10. Needy people. Because love and acceptance was earned on the basis of behavior, but never received apart from performance, shame-based families are characterized by members who are empty inside, filled-looking on the outside.

Characteristics of a Grace-Filled Family

1. Out-loud affirming(vs. out-loud shaming). In grace-filled families, members are told they are loved and accepted, capable, valuable, and supported out loud.. Don't expect people to be mind readers: It is not realistic to think that they "just know" that you care.
2. People-oriented(vs. performance-oriented). We all need and environment where we feel our needs are met because of who we are and not because of what we do. In grace-filled families, love and acceptance does not fluctuate depending upon how people act. People are affirmed for being who they are. In shame-based families, behavior is the most important thing. Who you are comes last.
3. Out-loud rules and expectations(vs. unspoken rules). In a grace-filled family, rules are there to serve people; people are not there to serve the rules. In shame-based families, the person who says there is a problem becomes the problem. In a grace-filled family the truth spoken or revealed is never the problem, nor is the person who speaks it. The problem is dealt with as a real problem, and a solution is sought.
4. Communication is clear and straight(vs. coding). If you want someone to take out the garbage, ask them to do so. Don't say,"Sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage," and then complain when people ignore or miss your coded message. If you'd rather have hamburgers than hotdogs, say so. Don't say,"I don't care, we can have whatever you want," and then pout when you end up with hotdogs.
5. God is the source(vs. idolatry). As Christians, God is our Source. He is our need-meeter, our vindicator, our defender, the one who has the last word on our value and acceptance. We are not valuable and acceptable because of how much money we make, the clothes we wear, our church attendance, or because we have been faithful in our giving. In supportive relationships, members are pointed towards God's grace, not toward their performance or how things look or what people think. God is always our only source of hope.
6. Children are enjoyed(vs. giving kids a hard time). In shame-based families, children must act like little adults in order to keep from being shamed. In grace-filled families, it's okay for them to act like kids. Normal, healthy kids are "messy" about this business of growing-up. As a parent, you do not need to be threatened or take it personally when your children mess-up.
7. Responsibility and accountability(vs. fault and blame). Fault and blame are used in shame-based families to punish children for their lack of performance. But the bible tells us "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us" (1 John 1:9). In many families, confessing to something gets you shamed, blamed, exposed, and humiliated. Not so in families where grace is in place.
8. "Head skills" are used for learning(vs. "head skills" used for defending). In grace-filled families, thinking is used for the purpose of learning. In shame-based families it is used to defend, blame, to make excuses, and to get out of being responsible. In shame-based families, the question,"Why did you do that?" is a trap. In grace-filled families people are pre-approved, and the question "Why did you do that?" is just a simple inquiry to understand the reason why something was done.
9. Feelings are valid and useful(vs. weak on "heart skills"). Feelings are not right or wrong, they simply exist. Grace-filled families recognize the feeling and expression of emotions as opportunities for family members to connect with one another.
10. It's okay for outsides to match insides(vs. empty people learning to act filled). In grace-filled families, what is real is more important than how things look. Life is seen with a process perspective rather than an event perspective. Unacceptable behaviors are about poor choices, not about our value and acceptance as people.

What kind of family did YOU grow-up in? - Test coming soon!

Jesus Be Glorified!!

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