Justin's family and I really don't get along. They didn't flat out tell me that they hated me, and maybe it wasn't exactly hate, but I was always pretty good at reading people's feelings and this came across to me pretty obviously. They were nice enough, but deep down I could tell they were harboring some aversion.

I could tell when I first met Lynn. Justin was really young then. He was such a cute kid, with such curly hair and such big eyes and this attachment to me that I had to admit was mutual. I let him come with me places, I asked him to, and he really loved it. And he was really mature about everything too. All the time. That's one of the first things I noticed. He could handle almost anything, especially if you promised to be there for him. And I always was.

So when I first met Lynn and introduced myself, I caught that look in her eye. It was one of those 'Oh' looks. Like, 'oh, so you're the one'… I was the one she thought was pulling her son away from her. She and Justin did have a very strong mother-son bond. I was the one that was making her son grow up. Sure. I wasn't the one that dragged him into the business. I just took care of him.

But she welcomed me into her home, and she allowed Justin to tag along with me and my friends, but still I could tell she was harboring these thoughts against me. Okay, not against me. Not in a belligerent type way at least, but you know. I really don’t think she would have trusted me with her life. But she trusted me with Justin's, which was all I needed.

And Justin's other parents? Paul was a cool guy. He made a great dad. He was cooler than the typical step-fathers that I knew. Their respect for each other was reciprocated and they knew what boundaries were there, forbidden to cross. Which was good because Justin could be a really tough case when he wanted to be. I always loved that in him. It made him what he was. That's how he survives.

Randy and Lisa. I swear to God it was as though Lynn had told them all about me and my relationship with Justin, pulling him away and all that crap, before I ever even met them. Justin was still a kid when I met them too, not much had happened with our lives comparatively speaking. But they had that same kind of attitude; a 'welcome to the family, but by the way we're watching your every move' kind of attitude. Randy was great dad, and Lisa a great mom. She'd given Justin a little brother and was pregnant at the time with another one on the way.

But those looks. They had to know I noticed? Maybe they didn't.

Finally, I laughed at it. When I told my mom about it, she shrugged and just said they were protective of Justin. I answered that I was the one protective of him. Maybe I should look at them twice. But she just shook her head and laughed at me.

Not only was it like this with the parents either. It was instilled in Jon too, Justin's little brother. I remember when the kid was born. I had really just recently become buddies with Curly when Jon was born. Justin was twelve. I didn't go with him that first time back to Tennessee, but I did the second time.

I remember holding that kid, the little baby, and smirking to myself that he had that same look in his eye. The same look Justin's parents gave me. But I didn't mention it, I just looked at Justin and told him he wasn't the baby any more, congrats, kiddo.

Maybe it was my own guilt. But I shouldn't have had any guilt then. Because nothing was up then. Nothing came up until later.

I knew I was gay long before the group ever started. It had been obvious to me for a while that girls would never make me happy. Justin may have suspected, but I didn't think he did. And we never discussed it. I didn't want to influence him. He nearly copied everything else I did at that age. I didn't need him copying my sexual preference.

Justin grew up really quickly though. He got taller and stronger and more confident. Other things changed too. At about sixteen, the guys and I actually wondered a little to each other if Justin was gay too. He hung out with Britney when their schedules collided but he always treated her more like a boy and they spent more time making fun of each other instead of doing real boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. Justin would pull her hair and threaten to cut it off and she would scream about how ugly his curls were and how he couldn’t dress himself.

And he had attitudes too. Like you couldn't believe. I don’t really believe in the typical stereotypical gay guy. There are guys that are definitely are gay and do present that ultra-'flamey' exterior, but for the majority, you can't even tell. I like to think that I'm not very obvious. Most of my fans would never suspect. Although I think there are those few smart ones that just know…

But every now and then Justin would do things that screamed gay and I would try not to bug my eyes out wondering. I encouraged however he acted unless it was completely off, because otherwise it was just him. I wasn't going to mold him. I wasn't going to tell him what was wrong or right. That wasn't my job. He trusted me and so sometimes it fell to me, but I was just his friend. I would just keep him relatively in line without him thinking too much that I was his mother. But most of the time he only listened to me so I really didn't have a choice.

So when he was sixteen I really started to wonder. The 'ew- girls!' stage usually didn't last this long. I blamed myself a little bit. I thought maybe he was copying me. Or maybe somehow our lifestyle had influenced this. He'd lived with me too long or something. Maybe it was being in a boyband, maybe it was the tour, or Europe.

I knew Lynn could tell. She wondered too. It was obvious. She was concerned. And I bet she also blamed me for it.

I pushed him to hang with Joey and Chris because they screamed testosterone. It was hard when Justin didn't even have a dad for ninety-percent of the year. How could he know how to act? Ironic since he had two back at his homes. But he looked up to us. We were his surrogate parents. We raised him. I pushed him to Joe and Chris. But he leaned on Joey like a big brother to tell him what was cool and he and Chris were just partners in crime.

But something like that can't be prevented. It can only become more manifested as time goes on.

He got drunk one time at a club and that one time convinced me that he was gay. It was not just him thinking about it because I was; he was innately gay. Justin was a very honest drunk. He'd tell you all his secrets and cry out his deepest fears. We didn’t have him drinking often. I mean, for God's sake, look at how old he was. But we couldn't always put a stopper on what he did or he'd go insane. Those times we let him splurge and I got used to cleaning up the mess and doing what was necessary so no one else found out outside our little circle.

Cleaning up the mess usually consisted of a moody Justin crawling on top of me wherever I was, and I'd be waiting for him because he was so typical. He claimed only I could make him feel better. On the bus, at the hotel, whatever. This particular time though, it was at his home.

Not only at home, but it was during the time when his parents were visiting. As in we were at Lynn's, but Randy, Lisa, and Jon were visiting. Justin was seventeen. Tall, lanky, sweet, and always full of love. We'd gone out that night. Chris and Joey were spending the night too. Lance was visiting his mother. At the time, Chris was in the shower and Joey had run home to grab some things before stopping back over. He'd mentioned grabbing more beer, even though we gave him the 'no more' message.

So it was Justin and me. We thought everyone else was upstairs. We'd partied hard. It was the end of a long schedule. We had a little hiatus to be thankful for, and we had promptly gone out to celebrate. Justin had followed his cool big brother Joey's lead and drank. In fact, Chris had even encouraged him do shots. 'The boy's growing up!' he'd explained. 'Let's see if he can keep up'. Chris really slipped up sometimes.

Justin had gotten woozy pretty quickly. He was still young and he didn’t have Joey's weight or Chris's perseverance to hold the liquor. We left at about twelve-thirty with tipsy Justin walking by himself, but laughing and becoming a real pushover.

I lectured Chris in the car. What if someone else got hold of Justin when he was like this? Look at him. He was seventeen, a teen idol, golden and precious, and ours. What if someone else got him like this? He would let us do anything to him in this state. It was scary. How could Chris let him get so vulnerable?

Chris just nodded and smirked and said 'You're right, dad', because he'd heard this before. And I didn’t worry too much because he knew I was right. He'd given the lecture to Joey too. Just like Joey had given it to him. And we'd given it to each other. And to Justin about doing it to himself. Because one day we wouldn't be with him and he couldn't act like we'd be there to carry him home. We didn't want to wait for some mistake to teach him.

I sat down on the couch with a heavy heart felt sigh upon reaching home. I stretched out my legs and watched Justin as he walked around the family room taking little steps and looking at the pictures on the walls. Pictures of him. Some of us. Of his family. Ones his mother had chosen to display.

"JC, look," he said loudly, saying my name in a slurred 'Jayzy' way that made me smile.

"Sh, Justin," I answered, looking up briefly at the picture he was pointing at. "I see it."

"How can you see from there?" he wanted to know.

"Hush, honey… You'll wake up your parents," I warned. "Be quiet… They'll be mad." At that point I was just thinking about what a zoo it was at that house, so many people were staying there.

"Sh…" Justin nodded and held his finger to his lips. "Sh… JC…"

I nodded and gestured him over. "Sh…"

He smiled at walked over. He sat right in my lap, facing me. His knees pressed into my sides. Justin never seemed to realize he was getting bigger. Especially when he was like this or tired. Because then people had to cater to him. He could be as small as he wanted.

"You're big," I told him, pretending the weight was painful.

"No I'm not," he replied.

"You can't drink for another four years, you know. Legally," I told him, patting his thigh.

"Are you legal?" He pressed his lips together and tilted his forehead into mine, breath strong with liquor.

"Just barely," I admitted with a smile. I hooked both my hands into the waistband of his jeans at the small of his back. He was heavy and I was afraid he'd lean back too far. "But at least I am."

"You am!"

"Keep your voice down, alright, babe?"

He grinned at my smile. "Okay. Whatever." 

"Good…" I reached my hand up to run my fingers through his curls. Little golden ringlets. He hated them most of the time. He threatened to shave them. But then Chris could reduce him to tears when he threatened to do the job. They were high maintenance. But then, so was Justin. So it fit.

I looked at him critically. "If your parents wake up we'll both be hanged. You reek of that club. It's disgusting."

"Disgusting," he echoed.

"You should shower before you sleep."

"JC?"

"Yes, dahr-ling?" I answered teasingly, glancing at the clock. Joey should be back soon. He didn't live that far away.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," I replied without a thought. Of course I loved him. I'd do anything for him. He'd become so important to me over the past years. Even moments like this where he was drunk out of his mind and willing to spill his soul, I loved him.

Just as I was thinking that, I felt his lips on mine. Hot and wet. Pressing against me so I could taste the aftertaste of liquor. I was too stunned to move. When I did it was to pull back, grabbing him by the waist and holding him hard. "Justin?"

He smiled and played with the collar of my shirt with his hand. He didn’t seem the least bit apologetic of his move. "I love you, JC."

Now he suddenly felt extremely heavy in my lap. I thought my knees would give way. I was waiting for something. Anything to interrupt that moment so that I wouldn't sit there stunned for another minute.

And then it came.

"Justin?"

A tiny voice. A child's voice. It was Jon. Five years old. Watching from the kitchen entrance in the shadows. Eyes wide.

I almost died.

I squeezed Justin's sides. "Down, Justin," I murmured, trying to push him to slide into the space on the couch beside me. He was hard to maneuver.

He leaned back and tilted his head. "Hey, Jon!" he said loudly. "What's up, my main man?"

"Jon," I started. "Justin," I said sternly, pushing him the rest of the way off my lap. "You have to be quiet."

He looked a little dejected for a second, but I patted his head as I got up and approached Jon. "Jonny-boy," I began.

Jon just stood there. He was perplexed by what he just witnessed.

"Isn't it past your bedtime, buddy?" I scooped him up as I got to him. The five year old that Justin doted on. Spent his money on for gifts and toys that he wound up playing with just as much.

I flipped on the lights to the kitchen and set Jon on the counter. He was a cute kid. Didn't have Justin's hair, looked a bit like Lisa, but you could tell they were brothers.

"I lost Bobo…" Jon answered slowly. He was looking at me strangely.

Bobo was a stuffed dog. He named a bunch of his stuffed animals. Justin had helped him. Bobo was actually named after DJ Bobo in Germany. I wondered where it was. Why'd he have to leave it downstairs?

"Well, we'll find him, won't we?" I answered.

Jon nodded carefully. He had eyes like Justin and they were wide and curious. They were also distrustful. "What's wrong with Jussin?" he asked. He had such an innocent voice.

"What do you mean? Nothing, man… Nothing." I stroked his hair. "Let's find Bobo, alright?"

The rest of that night was a blur. I went with Jon to find Bobo. I put him back to bed and when I came downstairs, Justin was with Joey watching TV on a low volume, half asleep on his shoulder. Chris was in the kitchen, freshly changed from his shower.

"Should we put him in his room?" Joey asked softly, nodding down at Justin.

"He kissed me tonight," I blurted it out.

Joey looked up. "What?"

"Yeah."

Joey's eyes widened but he looked only slightly surprised. "You mean he is…"

"I guess. He usually doesn't just… do stuff… when he's drunk, you know?" I licked my lips. "He just gets honest."

"Wow, JC. I mean…"

"Trust me, I know." I sat down on the other side of Justin and sighed. "That's not all."

"What, then?"

"I think Jon saw."

"Jon?" Joey exclaimed in a whisper. "You've got to be kidding."

"Nope." I sighed again.

"Man…"

What could I say? I looked at Justin thoughtfully. My Justin. "Help me get him to bed?"

"Sure."

And that was my first experience with that. It was obvious the next day when Lynn told me she wanted to speak to me though. She took me into the den and shut the door, telling me to sit down.

I sat without a word and waited.

"Explain," she said, hands on hips.

It was that distrustful look she always gave me. Tenfold.

"Um… Explain what?" I replied slowly. Like I didn't know…

"Like you don't know."

"I don't," I lied.

She shifted her stance. "Well, I heard something very interesting about last night. You and Justin. From Lisa. Who heard from Jon."

"Jon?"

"What were you doing kissing my son, JC? And how do I explain to a five year old why two boys were kissing?"

I blinked. Yeah. So Jon had seen.

That was probably the longest conversation I had ever had with Lynn. All about corruption and lifestyles and the damn industry. How Justin had been so pure and innocent and golden and such a good boy before he met me. It was all coming out then.

How could I tell her that Justin was so pure before he met me because he was just a little boy? I couldn't force myself to be that facetious.

I didn't want to tell her what Justin would be without me. She couldn't understand.

I honestly think that she was more upset that Jon had seen it than the whole idea of it. Especially after I told her I hadn't initiated it nor expected it. Because she wasn't blind. I knew she'd questioned Justin's sexuality as we had over the past year or so.

"Is it a phase?" she demanded, regardless.

I told her I didn't know.

I think she kind of was happy that if anybody it was me he was 'experimenting' on. Though she wouldn't admit it. Never would. But she'd known I was gay. She also had to know I didn’t flaunt it or preach it. So as much as she had that deep down feeling, she couldn’t really blame me, right?

"Don't encourage him," she persisted. "Alright? He listens to you."

I promised her I wouldn't.

"Don't hurt him either," she answered.

Life with Lynn continued after that nearly the same as it had been before. I wasn't kicked out of the family but I still wasn't trusted either. Honestly, I don't think she ever confronted Justin about it. Even after he did it to me again and again until I finally acknowledged him.

"I love you," he kept saying, adding a quick kiss.

"I know," I'd reply. "I love you too."

And he'd give me this expectant look.

I never had responded to it. Finally, I said, "Maybe. If we take things slowly."

The return to that was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen on his face.

It was with Jon that things changed with. I mean he'd looked at me that way before, but now there was measure behind it. And it was deeper. Pretty damn observant child. I think he associated Bobo with Justin and me because the next time I saw him, he had a new favorite toy and Bobo was discarded. I associated Bobo with us too. The damn animal was pretty symbolic.

I told Justin about that night, which he just briefly remembered and hadn't known Jon had overseen.

"Oh, he's just jealous because I see you more," Justin answered.

"He gives me these looks," I answered. I wanted to tell him how his whole family did. That maybe they were crazy. But I didn't.

"He'll get over it…"

Bobo. If only there hadn't been Bobo. Then Jon wouldn't give me that accusing stare. I wouldn't feel guilty thinking I had corrupted a five year old. While it had been Justin kissing me, I still felt responsible.

Jon didn't seem to get over it.

"Just glare back," Justin would say.

I did. I glared at him like I was going to kill him. And he glared right on back like it was a game. He resented me in some five year old way that I couldn't understand. Resentful in the same way his parents were, as if he'd inherited it from them.

Then Steven was born. His birthday was just about a week from mine which Justin thought was the coolest thing. Steven was born ,and I held him a week later.

He looked up at me with the same look in his eye.

I swear it was instilled in the whole Timberlake/Harless family.

It was really kind of remarkable. But it didn't make much difference. Because like I had said, maybe Lynn would never trust me with her life, but she allowed me Justin's. And that's all that matters.