it's a bloody euphonium

010300

I've just been in a pissy mood all day. It had something to do with the band rehearsal I anticipated. That community band that I considered playing with? Remember?

I ended up not going, but not till after I'd begged John to go with me, wheedling and bribing until I finally did convince him to go. I didn't want to go to "Pus Band" by myself. (The term "Pus Band" comes from MSU, where the Campus Band is the lowest on the scale, the non-majors and marching band folk.)

I didn't know where the school was. I didn't want to play euphonium in a band where I'd feel out of place. I didn't want to tell anyone in the band that I play the "euphonium," because I know they call it a "baritone." Walking in and saying "euphonium" is the surest way to make them think I'm a snob, and nobody would talk to me and they'd hate me, but I can't bring myself to say "baritone."

And the first thing after they tell themselves "What a snob!" they'd ask me, "So what is the difference between a baritone and a euphonium?" (Either that or they say, and this is a much more likely thing to say, now that I think about it, "Euphonium, baritone, same difference.") That question is a double-edged sword. If I blow it off, if I say something like, "Well, not much...ha ha ha...." then I don't deserve to call it a euphonium, and I shouldn't have in the first place. If I tell them the difference, which is vast, I make them feel stupid.

The difference between a baritone and a euphonium: the euphonium is way, way bigger than a baritone. It has a bigger bore size (wider tube) and a much larger bell, and it's a conical tube, as opposed to cylindrical, therefore generating a much warmer, darker, fuller sound than the bright, cylindrical baritone. There is no American-manufactured euphonium. They're all made in Europe and Japan. The difference between a euphonium and a baritone is comparable to the difference between a violin and a viola, and what violist would allow their instrument to be called a violin? When I'm stressing the issue with my students, I pull out my Arban's method book and show them the pictures. The baritone is a foreign-looking instrument, with the teeny little valves sticking up there on top and the teeny little tubes all over. Nothing like the euphonium.

So can you see the look on the 45-year-old guy's face, the guy whose been first chair in the Buttcrack, Georgia Community Band for over 10 years, when the snub-nosed Yankee music student tells him he's been calling his own instrument by the wrong name his whole life? I've seen that look too many times. Chances are, the guy's even heard it before, so the minute I say, "I play the euphonium," it all comes rushing back, and he distrusts me from the start. Even before he finds out about my master's in performance.

So that was one problem with Pus Band. The other problem is that every time I mention the band to John or one of my friends, hinting—even blatantly asking—that they come play in it with me, they pretty much say they wouldn't do it for money. They heartily encourage me to play in the fucking Pus Band, but they would never do it themselves. Well, fuck you.

So I was stewing over this all afternoon, then John came home and I guilted him into saying he'd go with me. Then I was still upset, as I am wont to be, because I didn't want to do it, still, and John ordered me not to go. You don't want to play in the band, you're not playing in the band. Fuck the Pus Band.

I fucked the Pus Band. If I want to, I can always join it later, I guess. I know. I bitch about not having anywhere to play my horn, but I don't take advantage of the opportunity when I get it. I suck.

Another really shitty thing about Pus Band is that the conductor taps his baton on the stand. That is intolerable, worse than if he kept a chalkboard on his stand and scratched his nails on it. What if he calls his band "People?" I couldn't take that. I hate being called "people." And I hate being called "Band," too. Nothing, nothing is worse than a conductor tapping the stand with that stupid, too-long plastic baton and saying "Band! Come on, tune, people!"